Are you as excited for the 2020 election as me? Not just because we finally have the opportunity to oust the intruder from the White House, but because of the upheaval caused these last three or so years in our country, political candidates of all sorts and diversities are stepping up to the plate to take their swing at the highest office in the land, a good deal of them women too.
That said, I was very excited and intrigued when Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii announced her bid for office. Excited to see the competition throwing in their hat, the likes of her, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, in that their political views align more with the social revolution over-taking this country with the hopes of regaining the land for we the people.
But, in the midst of her announcement, Gabbard, who aligns herself as a progressive and more of a socialist democrat, controversy arose. It turns out in her past Gabbard held viewpoints quite contrary to what she believes today, anti-lgbtq, for one. In the wake of these revelations, Rep. Gabbard came forward apologizing for her past beliefs and expressing deeply how she changed.
How the general public will react to that and whether they will overlook, re-focusing on the issues she values today, remains to be seen. But, perhaps I can assist.
Ashamed and as hard as this is to admit, I am one that at one point practiced a similar belief as Gabbard once held. I spent several years, from about 2003-2010, in a very conservative minded, fundamentalist yet mainstream church that believed like all people, including homosexuals, were sinners. This church may not have been as vocal in their viewpoints as say, the Westboro Baptist Church was, but they did hold the same viewpoints. Everything the WBC espoused loudly and vehemently on the street corners across the nation, my church, Calvary Chapel, expressed the same sentiments, just quieter and more insidiously.
So, how could I, educated with critical thinking skills, raised in a community that valued love and acceptance, fall prey to this? Me, a girl whose college best friend had been the first to come out to?
It happened slowly. The church had to draw me in with promises of unconditional love, the family I had never truly held. Slowly, slowly, the control grew, with sugary sweet words of condemnation and shame when I didn't tow the line. At those times, I was in peril of losing not only my friends, but possibly my salvation, my good standing with God. I'd repent, fall into line, try to do better, read the bible more, pray more, come to church more. All the while, the control deepened and the loss of myself, my ability to think for myself, make my own decisions without fear of reprisal became a thicker weight around my neck.
The weight thickened, held me down more, until all I could feel was the heaviness of it and the unconditional love and joyous laughter from earlier church days was a mere memory. In my discomfort, my heart was longing for, crying out for freedom. Breaking free felt not like an option, wasn't walking with Jesus true freedom? And, wasn't I doing just that?
Of course the answer to this is no, I see that clearly now, but at the time I was a damaged and emotional shell of my once bright existence. I left the church one sunny early summer day, coffee cup and bible bound in hand, letting the back gate clang behind me. Inwardly, I knew I wouldn't set foot in again and outwardly, I felt terror, shame, a loneliness like I had never felt before.
But, through the years of my deconstruction and now reconstruction, I have been able to rebuild and find myself once again, now whole despite the years of being broken. Outside of the church and away from its confining ways, I am a new creation, which is odd because that is what the church had once promised me, "a new creation in Christ". It was only when I left and through years of restoration that that became a reality.
And, the family I thought I had found in the church have all faded back into the safety of their own confinement, shutting me out by slamming their metaphorical and sometimes physical door in my face, on my heart, on our relationship. Ouch, but its true. I can only pray for them and extend my gratitude for our time together, the memories shared, the lessons learned whatever they may be.
Today, I hold more enlightened beliefs and an open perspective. I look back, laugh, and shake my head at some of the craziness that I used to believe, from the rapture to anti-abortion. My beautiful LGBTQ+ friends smile at me, welcoming me back with open hearts. As I look in their eyes with shame and words of forgiveness falling from my lips, they shake off the past and hug me, holding me close, looking forward to a brighter future, together making the world better. Whether they are better people than me or they merely always saw the good in me even when I was deceived and delusional, I know not but it is no longer a concern.
So, I will give Rep. Tulsi Gabbard a fair chance because none of us our perfect and frankly all can be led astray, taken captive by the deceptive promises of unconditional love. But, like me, Tulsi can and has changed her viewpoints. We all can change, adapt, learn more how to be better humans, better stewards of our planet.
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