Ostara Awakens, My Story of Becoming #ostara #eostre #springequinox #wiccan #bornagain #goddess

Twenty years ago today USA went to war with Iraq because Saddam Hussein? Al Quada? 911? WMDs? Oil?

Twenty years ago today I met a group of friends at a cafe who challenged my budding religious beliefs, discussing pagan understandings over bottomless cups of coffee and wine, a guide revealing my heart reaching out to reclaim.

Twenty years ago today I locked eyes for the first time with the man I would eventually marry...ten years ago today I received divorce papers from him. The best revenge I could give him, and myself, was knowing now that it was the beginning of my path to real freedom.

Throughout my life, flowers have been representations of deepening my understanding of my spiritual growth and reality of my connection with the divine in nature, that of, both the masculine and feminine, the god and the goddess. In my years of romantic inclinations then later in the "Jesus Freak" years, the rose held strong significance and meaning upon my heart. Numerous meanings based on the different color of the flower, yellow for friendship, red for passion and romance, white for divine. The moment I "accepted Jesus as my savior", way back when in the flush of the newness of that religion, I imagined two long stem roses placed in my outstretched palms. Later on, caught up in the throes of singing in unison with the other churchgoers, I would imagine rose petals descending from the heavens upon all, imagining it to be a representation of the Holy Spirit. This figurative image in my mind may have been connected with the Christian religion at the time yet the rose has a long history of imagery among other spiritual practices and in literature. For me, it was a personal identification of connectivity with that which I longed for within, healing and unconditional love.

The Rose - by Bette Midler + lyrics

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snows

Lies the seed that with the sun's love

In the spring becomes the rose

Sacred Roses: The Spiritual Symbolism of Roses

What Do Different Rose Colors Symbolize?

I have always found the daffodil to be as much enchanting for my soul. Seemingly lighter, almost fairy and ethereal with its brighter colors of yellow and white, the daffodil embodies to me an awakening to new life, a beginning of spring emerging, light overcoming the darkness. Such a symbol was deepened unto my life when my soul sister, Katy, driving down from Portland for my wedding day, parked along the highway, a somewhat perilous undertaking, to pick daffodils for my event. A memory I cherish regardless of the memory of the darkness of the marriage as her love and loyalty towards me is reflected through the golden flower.

The reality of the flower emerging from the dark soil, as in Bette Midler's song, is one that reveals to me the awakening, the coming, the reality of the Goddess Ostara. Ostara, so-called by the pre-Christian Germanic spiritual practices, is the Goddess of Spring. She is known as the bringer of light, fertility, of new birth and new growth. The British Saxons translated her name to Eostre, later morphed into Easter. Then, the Christian holiday honoring the resurrection of Jesus has its connections in Pagan roots. In fact, with the story of birth and resurrection, so to, begins with the pagan tradition of the birth of the light during Yule, winter solstice, or even Jesus' birthday celebrated on December 25th, traveling towards the renewal and resurrection of life in the Spring. A long held belief and practice expanding all spiritual and religious practices throughout the ages. Noteworthy to honor regardless of spiritual or religious affiliation, or none whatsoever. The acknowledgment of the joy of feeling the return of the warmth of longer days is one that all can fully appreciate and find benefit.

Through it all, the moments of depression, gratitude, contemplating that in every ending there is always a beginning, thus this day, March 20th, Spring Equinox has always been and will always be a monumental day of transformation, release, and beginning anew, what lies ahead, I can only imagine, but if history is an indicator, then it will be what leads me further into authenticity. For me, being authentic means being real and accountable to every facet of myself, acknowledging all of me, faults and all, appreciating all the good and the bad that has come across my path, as it made me who I am. For freedom cannot become until acceptance of all, especially the darkness, once done, the cleansing occurs and true light emerges from within.

Twenty years ago today USA went to war with Iraq because Saddam Hussein? Al Quada? 911? WMDs? Oil?

Twenty years ago today I met a group of friends at a cafe who challenged my budding religious beliefs, discussing pagan understandings over bottomless cups of coffee and wine, a guide revealing my heart reaching out to reclaim.

Twenty years ago today I locked eyes for the first time with the man I would eventually marry...ten years ago today I received divorce papers from him. The best revenge I could give him, and myself, was knowing now that it was the beginning of my path to real freedom.

Happy Equinox! Happy Ostara

Happy anniversary to me.

Lisa Thiel - Ostara (Spring Song)

We turn from the darkness and the wise Crone within
We turn to the Maiden and creation begins
It's a time for things growing and time now for flowing
A time now for sowing the seeds of your dreams.

For more on Ostara:

https://www.pagangrimoire.com/ostara-celebrate/

https://otherworldlyoracle.com/ostaras-meaning-traditions-ritual/

https://www.learnreligions.com/history-of-ostara-the-spring-equinox-2562485

https://www.sagegoddess.com/holidays/ostara-and-spring-equinox-where-everything-begins/

https://teaandrosemary.com/spring-equinox-ostara-rituals-traditions/

https://www.learnreligions.com/all-about-ostara-the-spring-equinox-2562471

 

Love In The Time Of Covid

 

As we head into the weekend famously known as the weekend of love, for some excitement of sharing the special day with their beloved, for others sadness over feeling the loneliness, (even more so this year with the Covid19 restrictions in place), so thus in today's entry I want to examine how the influence of media, film, tv, and music, has shaped how we view love and hyped the commercialization of February 14th. 

First off, a brief run-down on the history of February 14th, or rather, the mid-point of February.  It stems back to 496, with the Roman holiday of "Lupercalia", as the start of spring and a day when young boys would pull the name of a young girl out of a box, signifying that they were boyfriend and girlfriend during the festival which would sometimes lead to their marriage. 

Later, Christianity co-opted the celebration, as per usual, by honoring St. Valentine.  It is said that Emperor Claudius 2 had marriage outlawed due to his belief that it made men bad soldiers.  The priest, Valentine, found this ban severely unjust (rightly so) and thus decided to secretly wed couples.  When the Emperor found out about this, he had Valentine condemned to death. During his time in captivity, Valentine fell in love with the jailer's daughter and before his death sentence on February 14th, he penned a note to her signing it, "From Your Valentine", thus it begun.

Years tumbled forward and we have Hollywood and American society once again culprits of co-opting the holiday, Love Itself, for commercial purposes.  And, yes, many may dive into the Hollywood love and romance stories, the chick flicks as they are famously referred to, and that is just fine.  (Full transparency, season two of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc romantic comedy, Nate & Laura & How They Met premieres this Sunday evening, so I guess I'm on that bandwagon as well.  A little bit.) However, there is nothing inherently wrong with watching those types of stories, if one can remember that it is just that, a story.  Furthermore, love is a universal need, perhaps more valuable to our soul well-being than food, water, and sleep.  So, it makes sense then that absorbing this content would help to fill that desire.

But, my friends, these movies, TV shows, songs, and such did a great disservice to our souls.  Because not only did they preach that love is the ultimate answer and solution to our despair, but kept it one-sided focusing on the aspect of love that is Eros-related, i.e. Romance.  This media filled our tender minds and hearts with the desire for a grand love story of epic proportions complete with the meet-cute meeting, the rivalry and/or mistaken confusion, the grand race down the street in the freezing rain, confession of undying 'happily ever after' forever.  We leave the movie theatres, turn off the TV, the radio, wipe our eyes, and wonder when...starry eyed hopes lead to anguish in disappointment, bitterness in anger.  Hollywood forcing us to remain as Eponines but all too often end up as Fantines, never the Cosettes we were born to be. 

For even though romantic love is important, it is not the only part of love that is needed for our wholeness and completion.  

During this time of Covid-19, I find myself relishing the minute details of each holiday, regardless of whether another will view my decorations and festivities or not.  And, this weekend is no different in that aspect.  For me, it's in fondly recalling the Valentine's Days of my past, the elementary school parties, like in first grade when we had the massive flood and had to go home early, my friend, Corinne, carting off my special V-Day treats, the first middle school dances, the first date and first kiss, and, you know, everything else.  But, it's more than just a celebration of the memory and romantic love, but a celebration of all aspects of love, as I joyfully dart about town flitting from friends' houses, dashing away as I leave their cutesy little cards on their doorsteps.  

Love is multi-layered, multi-faceted, but all too often we forget that when this weekend tumbles around, we forget the excitement we had in childhood over the holiday, of just giving little gifts and cards to our classmates.  Recall that, hold those special memories whatever they may be, grieve if you need to be, for even heart-break and good-bye is a facet of love, release expectations of the shoulds from society, Hollywood anything else, and, finally, just be with yourself, truly experiencing the fullness of love.

That is, Love In The Time Of Covid. 

The Rose

I would love to hear your thoughts, including your love story experiences, both positive and negative, in every aspect of love, romantic, platonic, career focused, parental.  Share how these relations transferred your heart, mind, and soul, despite whatever heartbreak came.  

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  You can find the links beneath this entry if you want to know more about Cafe-Girl!

Cafe Girl: A Story of Coffee, Sex, Cigarettes, & True Love

Act Three, Scene Two

(As she talks, all five of the boys appears behind her, as they say their line. When she speaks, each boy takes turn arranging the coffee shop and disassembing the apartment on the platform.)

Deborah:

So, what's the story about? A story of...of what...too much caffeine?

Thomas:

Seen you at the coffee shop, sometimes, Deborah.

Deborah:

Of the Golden Road? Of Youth?

Ray:

King of the lawn gnomes, they call me.

Deborah:

How does the story end? A story of a journey? Of friendship?

Matthew:

First snows are the best times for walks.

Deborah:

A story of regrets? A story of the search for true love?

James:

I'll meet you in my dreams tonight.

Deborah:

A story of pain, or strength?

Matthew:

You're all right, yourself, Deborah.

Deborah:

A story of hope, or nothing?

Matthew:

Live your life, Deborah, and be happy, no matter what, be that.

Deborah:

A story of truth?

Shaggy:

Never give up the fight.

Deborah:

A story of forgiveness, of letting go? a story of redemption? "I started going to a coffee shop recently, never thought I'd be a cafe girl, you know, but I always wanted to be....I just wish there was some book, something to explain and help navigate. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad. Endings."

James:

When I look into your eyes, I see the reflection of my own soul.

All boys:

One of us, one of us, one of us.

(As the boys chant, Deborah crosses downstage to donkey and feeds the donkey, as she speaks the boys stop.)

Deborah:

A story of love.

The Rose

(Black out.)

And Finally, A Healing

Vagina Diaries Day 9

Once again, this entry may not seem to have much to do with the subject of my vagina but when it comes down to the more focused discussion of femininity and strength (See: the popular meme of the late 1990's of 'girl power!), it surely does.  In fact, it appears to be a carry over from yesterday's blog about the realization in 'loving oneself'.

Wannabe

When I was fifteen, I was dealt a blow of extreme heartbreak and betrayal, one that has had lasting effects through every area of my life and relationships subsequently.  During the early summer months of my Sophomore to Junior year of high school, my boyfriend, Matt, of the long term relationship of three months broke up with me, a heart-wrenching thing for any young girl whose new to the world of dating, but added to that was the even worse additional wounding of a supposed best friend.  The best friend, Heidi, seemingly outdid the boyfriend by starting up a relationship with him at least an hour after he had broken it off with me, even after I called her crying in despair for comfort.

As I said, this left a resounding effect on the state of my heart for years to come and is still a battle I face today.  It caused a major disturbance in my relationships overall and a lack of trust in women as 'best friends'.  I started being known as the 'girl's guy', with many guy friends who would love to cross over beyond the friend zone and yet if they were lucky enough to do so, found a very jealous, insecure girl-friend on the other side, one who had the constant fear of having her boyfriend "stolen" by another girl.

So, this has been a life-long struggle, one of which I had some major victory over due to much time and money spent in therapy and various types of recovery programs.  Then of which I have finally learned to love myself which follows the ability to be comfortable "on my own", truly not needing another person to help define my sense of security and self.

In my current relationship, I am glad to say I have a partner who I can trust completely and who really likes being with me, has no issues that keep him closed off from me, and feels he can completely trust me.  All of this to say the effect of the high school trauma is weakening more and more with each passing day.  In truth, I have finally found the ability to forgive both the high school "best friend" and the "ex-boyfriend."

So, last night I had a dream, one of which I made some snarky remark to a mutual friend of mine and my current partner about some lack of her ability as an actress, etc etc etc.  It only made me look poorly in the eyes of not just my boyfriend but all present.  In the dream, he approached me and urged me to apologize to her right away, which I did, of course.  This resulted in my half-waking from the dream to turn to him for comfort when I suddenly stopped...

It dawned on me, once again, that I did not need him to comfort me, reassure me of his love, but could find that in myself.  So, in my dream-self, I lay beside him and thanked the divine universe for healing me of this long-standing affliction and for also giving me finally a boyfriend who I could infinitely trust and who could help support me in this final healing.

Almost like a scene from one of my favorite movies, Inception, I found myself back in the world of the girl before the best friend betrayal, a girl who believed in the innocence that all people were really good and out for my best interest.  A girl who with this aforementioned best friend would delight in sharing her secrets, desires, fears, and willing sit on the school-grounds after school hunting for four-leaf clovers while we waited for our mothers to pick us up and drive us home.

In that moment, the pain of the years pent up betrayal began to lift and I felt a freedom of heart that I hadn't felt in a very long time.  I don't honestly believe that I am completely 100% healed and will probably still have to deal with issues like these in future, but the shedding of this reaction will become gradually easier and easier.

So, what does this have to do with my vagina? Simply put, an increasing development of my personal feminine strength of power and self, an ability to love myself, forgive myself, and trust myself.  An ability also to truly love and forgive those who have wronged me and then to let it all go, to finally move on.

It is that discovery which I find surprising on this journey I am, already finding so much healing and empowerment for myself.  I hope these words of truth and discovery are helping you, the readers, in some way as well.

The Rose

Become the Rose

Vagina Diaries Day 5

Awhile back, about a month ago, I must admit now, shamefacedly, I laid on the floor, spread my legs, and looked at my vagina through a mirror.  I must admit this was the first time in over ten years since I've done this looking, and since then my idea of what my vagina really looks like was somewhat of a mirage, I had a crazy image of something pink, in many ways like the younger pre-adolescent version of my pussy, or ones that the girl babies have whose diapers I have changed in the past.

Thoughts, well, first shame that I must admit this and that its taken me ten plus years to get down and dirty and look, really look.  The realization of years spent in fear of what I would see or feel, as if my own power, strength and femininity is a sign of weakness or source of sin and not that of a personal attribute I should wholeheartedly claim with utmost righteousness.  And, in the looking, I finally claim that victory at last.

So, what did I see? Well, besides an old shrivelled man wearing a turban, a flower, more specifically a rose bud about to bloom.  Yes, it went back and forth between the turban man and the rose and I tried to force myself to see the rose, as if that would be more spiritual.  Then, found myself reprimanding myself for forcing myself to feel or think anything, just let the thoughts, feelings, or what have you come naturally.

So, I looked.  And what I saw was that that the vagina I see today is a lot more cleaner and healthier than it was so many years ago and with that I feel a source of pride increasing swelling within me.

The image of the rose stays with me.  So many years back, in college, with my first true experience with the divine (or as I called it then "came to know the Lord), laying on the bed in my apartment with my boyfriend, I saw a vision of two long stem red roses placed in my hands...and then since that moment the rose has been a beacon of the divine, a source of true abiding love.  As I discover a deeper sense of my spiritual understandings, continue to mine deeply my source I look within, and see in so many capacities how I am 'the rose', this year setting forth already that as focus, the new desire to love myself first and the ability to love myself truly as a vessel of light, truth, and real love. 

In the passage of the time, in all I have been through, pain and laughter, tears and love, I find healing in finally finding my true self, my calling, the divine rose.

The Rose by Bette Midler