Recently, a local long-time drug store in my town, that has been around for longer than anyone can remember, moved into another location, this only a minor shock that caused an earthquake of wonderment throughout the community. OMG, Ashland Drug is moving! Why?
For me, I have more personal history with this city locale, for it was my first official place of work while in college, every Tuesday evening from 4:45-9:00, I would stare blankly into space trying to think of something to do, this after dusting the entire front part of the store, my section, and, of course, re-arranging the beanie babies (so very very popular at the time) into a myriad of different combinations on the shelves, then staring out into the inky black night of the city, passersby flowing by reveling in their freedom while I counted the minutes slowly to mine. (It is a fact of my life that as an actress my fall-back job is childcare but even more of a fall-back is retail, try as I might to break into some form of food services, this is true.) Also, on Saturdays I worked the 8 hour day shift, hey, it was a college job.
So,with the aforementioned history, I utilize Ashland Drug as my drug store of choice, where I pick up my medications monthly, sometimes bi-monthly. Because of their new move (which is actually just right around the corner from their old location), I have had to find a new "pathway" or route to this new place. As I walked down-town (yes, walked) to retrieve my medication of the lovely "Paxil", I was thinking about this new route I had to take when it dawned on me, how easy it is to change course in our physical lives but how difficult to change those pathways in our minds. You know, those thought processes that are in built through time and experience, relationships throughout the journey of our lives.
For me, the new pathway of my mind that says I need, should, have to love myself, first and foremost. That I need, should, have to ensure my safety, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, first and foremost and at all cost. Why is this difficult? For so many reasons related to how I was raised, past relationships, church abuse, etc etc etc
So, now as hard as it is, I admit to the world and to myself mostly, I love me. Forever. I am worthy of loving myself and worthy of love that comes to me. I do not need in any way shape or form to deny myself of this love of myself. I can delight in nurturing and cherishing myself in small and large ways, without guilt.
The first step is always the hardest but once done, it gets easier and easier to love thyself first.
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