Once again, this entry may not seem to have much to do with the subject of my vagina but when it comes down to the more focused discussion of femininity and strength (See: the popular meme of the late 1990's of 'girl power!), it surely does. In fact, it appears to be a carry over from yesterday's blog about the realization in 'loving oneself'.
When I was fifteen, I was dealt a blow of extreme heartbreak and betrayal, one that has had lasting effects through every area of my life and relationships subsequently. During the early summer months of my Sophomore to Junior year of high school, my boyfriend, Matt, of the long term relationship of three months broke up with me, a heart-wrenching thing for any young girl whose new to the world of dating, but added to that was the even worse additional wounding of a supposed best friend. The best friend, Heidi, seemingly outdid the boyfriend by starting up a relationship with him at least an hour after he had broken it off with me, even after I called her crying in despair for comfort.
As I said, this left a resounding effect on the state of my heart for years to come and is still a battle I face today. It caused a major disturbance in my relationships overall and a lack of trust in women as 'best friends'. I started being known as the 'girl's guy', with many guy friends who would love to cross over beyond the friend zone and yet if they were lucky enough to do so, found a very jealous, insecure girl-friend on the other side, one who had the constant fear of having her boyfriend "stolen" by another girl.
So, this has been a life-long struggle, one of which I had some major victory over due to much time and money spent in therapy and various types of recovery programs. Then of which I have finally learned to love myself which follows the ability to be comfortable "on my own", truly not needing another person to help define my sense of security and self.
In my current relationship, I am glad to say I have a partner who I can trust completely and who really likes being with me, has no issues that keep him closed off from me, and feels he can completely trust me. All of this to say the effect of the high school trauma is weakening more and more with each passing day. In truth, I have finally found the ability to forgive both the high school "best friend" and the "ex-boyfriend."
So, last night I had a dream, one of which I made some snarky remark to a mutual friend of mine and my current partner about some lack of her ability as an actress, etc etc etc. It only made me look poorly in the eyes of not just my boyfriend but all present. In the dream, he approached me and urged me to apologize to her right away, which I did, of course. This resulted in my half-waking from the dream to turn to him for comfort when I suddenly stopped...
It dawned on me, once again, that I did not need him to comfort me, reassure me of his love, but could find that in myself. So, in my dream-self, I lay beside him and thanked the divine universe for healing me of this long-standing affliction and for also giving me finally a boyfriend who I could infinitely trust and who could help support me in this final healing.
Almost like a scene from one of my favorite movies, Inception, I found myself back in the world of the girl before the best friend betrayal, a girl who believed in the innocence that all people were really good and out for my best interest. A girl who with this aforementioned best friend would delight in sharing her secrets, desires, fears, and willing sit on the school-grounds after school hunting for four-leaf clovers while we waited for our mothers to pick us up and drive us home.
In that moment, the pain of the years pent up betrayal began to lift and I felt a freedom of heart that I hadn't felt in a very long time. I don't honestly believe that I am completely 100% healed and will probably still have to deal with issues like these in future, but the shedding of this reaction will become gradually easier and easier.
So, what does this have to do with my vagina? Simply put, an increasing development of my personal feminine strength of power and self, an ability to love myself, forgive myself, and trust myself. An ability also to truly love and forgive those who have wronged me and then to let it all go, to finally move on.
It is that discovery which I find surprising on this journey I am, already finding so much healing and empowerment for myself. I hope these words of truth and discovery are helping you, the readers, in some way as well.
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