Okay, today's entry may not seem to be in any way related to that female body-part we are now getting to know, well at least I am, but in fact it does. Yesterday, some amazing discoveries happened to me while taking part in some external risks.
When I was a little girl, I was a tap dancer and loved it, along with my good friend, Rinnie. I never forgot the powerful sensation of gliding over the dance floor with the sound of the tap tap tap ringing out, along with my fellow dancers. I always longed to get back into it. (In college, I took one class in it but that was quite awhile ago.)
Later on that night, I played two rousing games of "Magic, The Gathering" with my boyfriend and proceeded to kick his ass royally. This, too, I used to play somewhat halfheartedly in college with an ex-boyfriend.
What I discovered about picking up both these old hobbies, if you will, is that former pathways in my brain that had been strengthened with these skills were suddenly revisited. In both activities, I felt a sudden surge of memory recall as I participated in each of them.
But, more importantly, what occurred to me, and most especially while tapping to my delight, was that I was doing something for myself, in short, loving myself. And, that is the most powerful realization that I am taking away from this Vagina study and the reason for doing this play, the ability to love myself first.
Love myself....first? This flies in the face of all that I have learned in society and is by far contrary to my church background. Indeed, my Christian friends who may read this will see this viewpoint as some form of controversy, in the least. Or in the most extreme, blasphemy. And, indeed, the years of mind control and oppression make it a necessary medicine I find hard to swallow. But it isn't either of these, its the most important thing I can ever learn and develop.
For only in learning to love yourself can you truly love others, as the meme says. But, now I see that focusing on the goal of 'loving others' loses its purpose in the first. By doing so, I fall back on placing more importance on others than myself, then falling back into the path of self-hatred and others' abuse. I can look past what I see as flaws of my external self, can let go of my insecurities finally, and at last find healing and freedom.
But, when it comes down to it, in the last several years I have taken active steps in loving myself, without really knowing it (its just what had to be done at the time) and been the most happiest I've been in all my life because of it. From kicking out my abusive ex-husband to taking dance lessons, I've found value and strength inside myself, not just following after my true calling but in learning to value myself, trust my intuition, and enjoy the path on which I am being lead. I've learned to let go of being overly concerned with others' wellbeing, that it is not my responsibility to 'save them', and trust the Universe to guide them and support them as needed. In doing this, I've found more connection with others' in the value their presence in my life teaches me as well as mine in theirs. By letting go, I learn to love myself more.
This may sound weird to you or wrong but in time I hope you learn to find this truth as well. I may sound selfish but I really don't care, for I know, at last, I am not.
I love me. Forever.
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