You Can't Pick The Parts You Want!

 In my life currently, I am in a continuous place where the veil between reality and the ethereal is fluttering open, making me all the more aware and present of the truth beyond the visible.  To help explain, last Sunday I had a both painful and profoundly growing experience. 

Currently, I am a part of the first ever Vagina Monologues in Ashland (well, that not of any affiliation with the college).  Its been amazing to be once again apart of such a beautiful production, fourth time is a charm, right? I love to see how the beautiful stories are spoken each time in a dynamic and different form through the different voices sharing the stage alongside me.  The time before I felt a very tight kinship with the cast, one that continues strong to this day.  Sisters for life, to be certain, myself being the big sister in that bunch.

This time around I am not the big sister, more like one of the middle sisters, or something of that fashion.  Its been inspiring to see the words come forth out of multi-generational women, as the years enhance understandings of the truths on the page that bring out deeper meanings and layers.

Okay, back to my most profound and painful experience.  Last Sunday, we had our dress rehearsal.  It was the first time the majority of us were together.  There we were under the lights and hearing the show play out fully, each monologue flowing after the other.  Now, I had mistakenly forgot to call in a prescription (I have since then received it) on Saturday, so the effect of not having the medicine was enhancing my already sensitive soul.  As the monologues tumbled together, the truths my sisters' shared were awash of emotions over me.  By the end, I was felt as an exposed nerve, raw and fragile. 

The girls around me were buzzing with activity and because of my current emotional state I kept fighting the trap of feeling wounded, doing the mental gymnastics of continually reminding myself, its all in my head.  Now, I know truthfully that none were upset, that I was in that raw, emotional place and my sensitivity was not truly known to them or understood.  I do not have any hard feelings towards them, rather my heart is all the more in love with each.  Here's why.

After rehearsal, as I climbed into bed to sleep the night away, allowing my emotionally drained mind a necessary respite, I had a sudden revelation.  Emotions are not scary but necessary lessons to awaken us to deeper truths.  We all have the tendency to flee out of fear when the opportunity of being hurt rises up, for whatever reason, and in that to begin to distrust, devalue, even dislike.  As I lay there in my bed, overwhelmed with feelings, I decided to accept my emotional state and in that to accept not only the girls of whom I share the stage, but all people as they are moment by moment.  For, unless we are known narcissists lacking empathy, no one is perfect, all are capable of positive and negative emotions.  All can love, all can hate.  To truly be in relationship, we have to come together in honesty, accepting all parts of each other.  In reality, "you can't pick the parts you want" (quote from the monologue, Hair). 

I think the beauty of the Vagina Monologues is not only helping individual women find healing, wholeness, and empowerment, but bringing about true healing between the relationships women share.  For my part, my interpersonal relationships with my gender have often been fraught.  Each time I do the Vagina Monologues, my heart softens and not only am I able to forgive myself, the women in the past who have wounded, but open myself a little more to the beauty of authentic female friendship.  In that, I began to rise to the full length of my being.

In the words of the monologue, "The Vagina Monologues", I believe knowing women can be reflected:

"The thing that surprised me the most was all the layers.  Layers inside layers, opening into more layers...It was better than the Grand Canyon, ancient and full of grace.  It had the innocence and freshness of a proper English garden.  It was funny, very funny.  It made me laugh.   It could hide and seek, open and close."

Vagina Monologues

With A Little Help From My Friends

Hair: What Is It There For?

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Nine

So, its me, Tiffany Kimberly Ryan.  I went back to my maiden name after divorcing the fabulous Timothy Armonds.  Sarcasm implied.

At present, I am 31 years old, single with two cats, living and working in San Francisco for an advertising company as the head receptionist to the big man on top, who leers sexually at me.  I've done my best since I started working there two years previous to distract his come-ons.

A year before moving to San Francisco, I divorced my husband, the what turned out to be the not so fabulous Timothy Armonds.  I moved here to find myself, or rather to get away from my past, you decide.  I guess I've been sort of drifting, filling a space in the void of my own existence, going through the motions as it were.  I guess I've pretty much given up on life and love.

I studied marketing and business in college but dropped out just shy of a year to graduate when the not so fabulous Timothy came into my life and we quickly married.  I should have known better, but live in learn, I guess.

See, one of my husband's pleasures was the "shaved pussy" look; the porn star or stripper appeal, at best.  At first, I tried to please him by shaving it myself and then allowing him to, if I didn't, he cheated.  Can you imagine the types of girls he "stepped out" with? Yes, the aforementioned stripper types!  After awhile, the high discomfort of the hairless exposed vagina became less of a desire for me than trying to please my husband and I learned a valuable lesson.

Hair is there for a reason but more so, the importance of myself and my choices for my body.  But, I'm still alone.

I've been seeing a therapist these last few years.  Due to her encouragement, I finally enrolled in a community college class to "begin again" as it were.  It is there that I met Steve, a recent divorcee himself.

After four dates, I can tell he's hungry for something more.  I have to admit I am attracted to him but will he turn out to be another fabulous Timothy? (Sarcasm implied!)  I feel as if men are really out for one thing and one thing alone; themselves.

To find out the answer to this and more fun facts about Vaginas, come to Women's Resource Center's presentation of the "Vagina Monologues" tonight and tomorrow night at 7 pm in the Rogue River Room on the Southern Oregon University campus.  Doors open at 7:30.

Vagina Monologues 2015

Caroline couldn't say it!!!!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Six!

It is the fact of my existence that I came of age in the grand ol' decade that is the 90's.  Thus, I like to think of that era as a time of immense progressive thinking mingled with a wide variety of choices in the culture at large.

That is, until I watched this episode of "Caroline In The City":

Caroline & the Cereal

Now, I am definitely a major fan of this show and spent the majority of my teen years on Thursday night, obsessively watching, lusting over the fabulous "Malcolm Gets" (who unfortunately is not into girls) and dreaming with hopeful expectations that my life could someday be as idyllic as Caroline's.

So, if you haven't watched the link by now, I can briefly give you a synopsis of the show.  Caroline, the comic-strip artist, gets offered to have her character on a cereal box.  Upon accepting the contract and receiving the cereal, Caroline and her "sincere amor", Richard discover that the cereal itself is in the shape of, well none other than, a 'Vagina'.

What is shocking now is that no one on the show could say that very word!  I would let it slide if Caroline was unable to say it, seeing as how she grew up in the Midwest and this could be a character choice, but none of the characters, mind you not even Annie, could bring themselves to let that word out of their lips.  Weird, huh?

Okay, I'll give them that the whole way it was played out was comedic, for sure.

And, also this was probably normal back then, back then being the far far reaches in time of the mid-nineties, which isn't really that long ago, really!

Therefore, my conclusion is this: we've come along way in our openness as women and girls of all ages to proclaim loudly the value of our vaginas and the freedom to be who we are, what we want to and can be.

Maybe, if it weren't for shows like Caroline In the City, Eve Ensler and the like wouldn't have set out to be reclaim the word and set us free.

So, thank you, Caroline, well played, indeed.

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie!

Vaginas Unite!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Four

For years, I've had an in-built mistrust and strong dislike bordering on hatred for other women.  This stemming from the young age of 15 when my trusted supposed best friend "stole" my boyfriend right out from under me, well, rather less than an hour after he broke it off with me, she swooped in (right after I called her sobbing.)  So, you see how the mistrust and, well, okay, hatred came about.

I am fairly certain many women and young girls have this over-riding issue, a fact of femininity I find the most disturbing.  The idea of the tribal warrior-women binding together for the greater good of the unit became replaced with the onset of the patriarchal community which dictated a girl's need to compete with her kind.  Sad, indeed.

To be quite fair, I have had a few close female friends that have remained faithful and true along the path of my life, most notably M1, M2, and S, friends from the high school and college days.  And, for them I am most grateful.

However, lately I've been reflecting upon the presence of six amazing ladies whose appearance into my life, although mostly tumultuous and confusing to them, brought about an amazing amount of healing during the Crazy California years, or rather the Bipolar Breakdown Diagnosis years.  I see now that each of these girls were brought into my life as part of the Divine Will to bring about healing and freedom in my heart, from the past best friend abuse.  Despite this, the overwhelming similarity in each of these friendships is my efforts to push them away.

It all started with Amber, the closest of the room-mates I had while at Sonoma State and a hot little lesbian to boot.  Together, we laughed a lot and supported each other through scholastic and life's journey the way room-mates do best.  After the year ended and we moved out, we stayed close the year after but then separated when I, buying into the Conservative Christian views on homosexuality, pushed her away.  Although I have searched, I have yet to find her, apologize, and hopefully reconcile the spark of love and friendship we once had.  I do hope she is well, thriving, and am eternally grateful for her divine presence in my life during that time.

Next and running concurrent to my life with Amber was my 'sister in Christ", Karissa, my fellow student-teacher friend who wore a cross the first day we met.  She happens to be possibly the one who got the closest to a true friendship and thus one of the worse examples of my attempts to "flee the scene" due to fear.  Years spent I trying to understand why and to effectively apologize to Karissa for the abuse she suffered at my hands, finally finding freedom in releasing that, knowing that I am not that person anymore and thankfully that time is past.

Thirdly, and also present during the Karissa years, was Suzanne, a dear friend that try as I might did not "flee" but rather stayed diligently by my side through the darkest of moments.  Why? I can only see that she could truly understand, being one with a diagnosis of depression herself.  She stayed by my side offering love, support, and constructive criticism whether I wanted it or not, in turn standing up for herself, until she moved away to study nursing in Santa Barbara.  Before she moved, she met me for coffee and handed me a silver ring with the inscription, "Hope", because as she said, clutching the ring to her face with a smile, "There is always hope."  A valid message and one I am glad she reflected to me purely.  (I re-sized and wore the ring faithfully until I married.)

Then, along came Jessica, the hair-dresser turned park ranger, the one who read "Purpose Driven Life" and gave her life to God and away from drugs.  She came into my life and played the part of "unbiological little sister" for a season until meeting a guy in her school program and running off with him, after I told her she "wasn't walking with God."  I thought I was doing my part to "save her", as the church I was going to would do, but alas it was just my attempt to once again "push away".
(I did call her a few years back and apologize for this.)

Along into my life came Fay, my Iranian friend I met at church.  (I remember most fondly about Fay is her large welcoming smile and laughter.)  I have always had many friends from different parts of the world, starting way back from childhood when I met a girl at camp from Germany with my same name, and when I met Fay I found an instant kinship.  I was fascinated to learn about Iran (pronounced by her "Ee--Rahn", the correct way) from her point of view, and not that of the contemporary American viewpoint of Iran as enemy.  I attempted to "flee" from our relationship by psycho-analyzing her and thus scaring her off.  I did apologize, she ran off with her now ex-husband and we became friends again.

Lastly, into my life came sweet Monica, a friend also of the Bipolar persuasion.  We met through a NAMI class and quickly became coffee shop pals, sharing in a mutual love of the caffeinated buzz.  We remain close comrades to this day, although went through a brief spell when first married and quickly becoming an abuse victim, I turned that against her in an attempt to once again psycho-analyze.  (Of course, we did eventually make-up and have been closer friends since.)  It was her that played the part of "maid of honor" at my wedding and she was the one who I re-gifted the "hope ring" (given to me previously by Suzanne) with the same promise of forever hope.  She wears it to this day.

Each of these girls, despite my best futile attempts to flee, remained steadfast and true bringing healing into the heart of that 15 year old betrayed by her best friend young girl.  It is because of each of them that I now have many loving relationships with women and girls, an amazing blessing in itself.  (And, a great addition to this story is each of these women's roles in my lives, but for the sake of you, the reader, I will abstain...for now.)

So, today in this entry of the Vagina Diaries, I honor the above six women and thus all friendships the female kind.  It is a necessary truth that all Vaginas must set aside their differences, past slights and betrayals, forgive, and come together....

Vaginas Unite!

Vagina Monologues 2015

Help Jackie!

Embraceable Vagina!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Three

That's right, go ahead and give yourself a big bear hug.  You deserve it, why? Because you are alive and breathing and a divine being of the Universe.  No other explanation needed!

I've been thinking of late that these entries are focusing too much on the physical aspect of the Vagina and not the emotional aspect of knowing and loving thyself, that which is indefinitely more important than its physical counterpart.

I just did it, wrapped my arms tightly around my chest and squeezed, and found myself not only enjoying the process but unable to let go, my heart swelling to degrees of warmth and love never before felt by myself directed towards myself.

This activity is a new discovery and one of which I hope to partake it at least once, if not more, daily.

I think another aspect of this and one that I feel strongly impressed on me is that of trusting the Divine's work in me to guide me where I need to go, prayerfully asking for strength to not doubt or waver in my determination and faith.

The key thing here is to believe that I am, every part of me, Vagina included, an aspect of the Divine, a Divine creation.  And, in that, I am love and deserving of that love.

So, embrace it, Lia!  And, embrace yourself!

Vagina Monologues 2015

Give Jackie a Virtual Hug!

Would You Whack It?

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-Two

My boyfriend and I were flipping through RoKu and an advertisement popped up for a TV show called "Bush-Whacked".  I immediately made a joke in reference to President Bush and, well, hopefully you get the gist of it, in case there are secret Government agencies watching my Internet activity.  My boyfriend, however, made a pun referencing to whacking "the bush" as in the pubic region, asking me if I would.  I reminded him not only of the monologue I am working on but my ever-increasing belief that hair is there for a reason.  Whereas I don't see hair in the "down-there" part of the body as cluttered and dirty, I do think grooming and keeping it neatly trimmed is necessary.  For example, I do not desire the 1970's bush but nor do I want the modern day 'porn-star' look.  Ouch!

But, to each is own and every woman has the right to choose how she'd like her vagina to look.  See: Designer Vaginas, the New York Runway look of Fall 2015.  So, my question is to you readers,
How do you want your pussy? Trimmed? Bushy? Hairless?

I hope the above picture, plus my entries over the last few months, do not sway your opinion.  So, please answer honestly in the space below, whether or not you want to say "why" is up to you.  I'm just curious, plus am hopeful this entry, as well as the ones previous, have got you thinking more about how to love yourself and your beloved 'V'.  

Southern Oregon University's production of "Vagina Monologues" opens March 5th

Help Jackie Design Her Vagina!

Just As You Are!

Vagina Diaries Day Twenty-One

So, sorry that its been like more than a week since the last entry but still count this as Day Twenty-One, forgiving the time lapse.  (I was out of town on vacation through most of that time.)

The day before Valentine's Day, which ironically being the Friday the 13th as to the nature of its detrimental subject, I discovered this article on my facebook feed:

http://www.theonion.com/articles/20000-tons-of-pubic-hair-trimmed-in-preparation-fo,2909/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=LinkPreview:NA:InFocus

With my recent studies and being the focus of one of my monologues, the topic horrified me true to the factor of the date it appeared.  Not only because the idea of committing the "act between the sheets hairless" brings up memories of painful chafing, but the idea that one has to alter themselves from their naturally ordained self to please others sexually flies in the face of what I am coming to see as true.  

Our vaginas are ourselves, furthermore, our pubic regions, hair and all, are vital to our self-appreciation and worth as human beings.  Choosing to remove this for the supposed benefit of another conflicts with your ordained Divine right and true self, in so doing, becoming a great limitation from loving yourself completely.  

In addition to this, a dear friend and Vagina Rock-Star shared this article on the backlash of pubic shaving:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/02/06/pubic-hair-grooming-injuries_n_2632907.html

Thanks Katy!  Pay special attention to what Dr. Emily Gibson says: 

Pubic hair does have a purpose, providing cushion against friction that can cause skin abrasion and injury, protection from bacteria and other unwanted pathogens, and is the visible result of long awaited adolescent hormones, certainly nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

Furthermore, the first article's last quote by a Donna Spaulding is the one of most importance:

"We all want to look good and feel desirable, but it's important to keep things in perspective," Spaulding said. "In the end, you want people to love your pubic region for what's inside, not just for how it looks."
Truth, Ms. Spaulding! So, all you ladies out there, be proud of your hair, be proud of all of you, for you are wonderful and complete and perfect 'just as you are!'

Southern Oregon University's "Vagina Monologues" opens March 5th in the Rogue River Room and runs through March 6th.  

https://www.facebook.com/events/1563122447294253/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

Please help Jackie find her true self!

There's Power in the Pussy!

Vagina Diaries Day Fifteen

Sorry for the delay but I have been a bit under the weather the last two days, am still recovering, from the shivering affects of the flu.  Dagnabit!  Thus, its been a struggle to string coherent words together to form sentences as I lay shaking underneath the covers waiting for the fever to subside.  Today, I am a bit better and able to write something, even if the sense of it is not too clear.

Is it just mere coincidence or a synchronicity but recently on facebook I've noticed a lot of quotes and posts referring to the great V; comments of which are helping me gain insight into this reflective study I am on.

The other day I found an interesting post on facebook of a quote by the Great Betty White.  It referred to the weakness of the male anatomy and the strength of it's female counterpart.

After reading the entire book, The Vagina Monologues", written, comprised (originally performed by) Eve Ensler (the actual book, not the script), I can actually understand just what the "pounding" the Vagina does indeed take.  Its not just a mere sexual reference either, although that thought did cross my mind, dirty that it is, with delightful glee and longing.  But, so much abuse is forced upon women both physically and emotionally, as I am sure in other ways, throughout every society and in every country.  Even more than rape, there is the practice of clitoral circumcision, women in some countries such as Afghanistan are forced to hide their bodies or face severe beatings,  and so many more emotional disturbances that affects the entire psyche and life of the woman, thus perpetrating itself into the very heart and soul of every women kind, for we all are connected.

And, it is together, we fight.  And in that, together we survive.

For coming out of an abusive marriage myself, I have looked around and become acquainted with other woman of similar past situations, all of them seem not only to have a sense of resignation but also one of vast internal strength.  Yet, if asked, they wouldn't think of themselves as having strength, but really in just doing what needed to be done at the time.  And, in that there is strength.

So, yeah, the vagina takes a beating.  As our favorite Golden Girl said,

"If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina!"

Help Jackie Grow A Vagina!