For years, I've had an in-built mistrust and strong dislike bordering on hatred for other women. This stemming from the young age of 15 when my trusted supposed best friend "stole" my boyfriend right out from under me, well, rather less than an hour after he broke it off with me, she swooped in (right after I called her sobbing.) So, you see how the mistrust and, well, okay, hatred came about.
I am fairly certain many women and young girls have this over-riding issue, a fact of femininity I find the most disturbing. The idea of the tribal warrior-women binding together for the greater good of the unit became replaced with the onset of the patriarchal community which dictated a girl's need to compete with her kind. Sad, indeed.
To be quite fair, I have had a few close female friends that have remained faithful and true along the path of my life, most notably M1, M2, and S, friends from the high school and college days. And, for them I am most grateful.
However, lately I've been reflecting upon the presence of six amazing ladies whose appearance into my life, although mostly tumultuous and confusing to them, brought about an amazing amount of healing during the Crazy California years, or rather the Bipolar Breakdown Diagnosis years. I see now that each of these girls were brought into my life as part of the Divine Will to bring about healing and freedom in my heart, from the past best friend abuse. Despite this, the overwhelming similarity in each of these friendships is my efforts to push them away.
It all started with Amber, the closest of the room-mates I had while at Sonoma State and a hot little lesbian to boot. Together, we laughed a lot and supported each other through scholastic and life's journey the way room-mates do best. After the year ended and we moved out, we stayed close the year after but then separated when I, buying into the Conservative Christian views on homosexuality, pushed her away. Although I have searched, I have yet to find her, apologize, and hopefully reconcile the spark of love and friendship we once had. I do hope she is well, thriving, and am eternally grateful for her divine presence in my life during that time.
Next and running concurrent to my life with Amber was my 'sister in Christ", Karissa, my fellow student-teacher friend who wore a cross the first day we met. She happens to be possibly the one who got the closest to a true friendship and thus one of the worse examples of my attempts to "flee the scene" due to fear. Years spent I trying to understand why and to effectively apologize to Karissa for the abuse she suffered at my hands, finally finding freedom in releasing that, knowing that I am not that person anymore and thankfully that time is past.
Thirdly, and also present during the Karissa years, was Suzanne, a dear friend that try as I might did not "flee" but rather stayed diligently by my side through the darkest of moments. Why? I can only see that she could truly understand, being one with a diagnosis of depression herself. She stayed by my side offering love, support, and constructive criticism whether I wanted it or not, in turn standing up for herself, until she moved away to study nursing in Santa Barbara. Before she moved, she met me for coffee and handed me a silver ring with the inscription, "Hope", because as she said, clutching the ring to her face with a smile, "There is always hope." A valid message and one I am glad she reflected to me purely. (I re-sized and wore the ring faithfully until I married.)
Then, along came Jessica, the hair-dresser turned park ranger, the one who read "Purpose Driven Life" and gave her life to God and away from drugs. She came into my life and played the part of "unbiological little sister" for a season until meeting a guy in her school program and running off with him, after I told her she "wasn't walking with God." I thought I was doing my part to "save her", as the church I was going to would do, but alas it was just my attempt to once again "push away".
(I did call her a few years back and apologize for this.)
Along into my life came Fay, my Iranian friend I met at church. (I remember most fondly about Fay is her large welcoming smile and laughter.) I have always had many friends from different parts of the world, starting way back from childhood when I met a girl at camp from Germany with my same name, and when I met Fay I found an instant kinship. I was fascinated to learn about Iran (pronounced by her "Ee--Rahn", the correct way) from her point of view, and not that of the contemporary American viewpoint of Iran as enemy. I attempted to "flee" from our relationship by psycho-analyzing her and thus scaring her off. I did apologize, she ran off with her now ex-husband and we became friends again.
Lastly, into my life came sweet Monica, a friend also of the Bipolar persuasion. We met through a NAMI class and quickly became coffee shop pals, sharing in a mutual love of the caffeinated buzz. We remain close comrades to this day, although went through a brief spell when first married and quickly becoming an abuse victim, I turned that against her in an attempt to once again psycho-analyze. (Of course, we did eventually make-up and have been closer friends since.) It was her that played the part of "maid of honor" at my wedding and she was the one who I re-gifted the "hope ring" (given to me previously by Suzanne) with the same promise of forever hope. She wears it to this day.
Each of these girls, despite my best futile attempts to flee, remained steadfast and true bringing healing into the heart of that 15 year old betrayed by her best friend young girl. It is because of each of them that I now have many loving relationships with women and girls, an amazing blessing in itself. (And, a great addition to this story is each of these women's roles in my lives, but for the sake of you, the reader, I will abstain...for now.)
So, today in this entry of the Vagina Diaries, I honor the above six women and thus all friendships the female kind. It is a necessary truth that all Vaginas must set aside their differences, past slights and betrayals, forgive, and come together....
Vaginas Unite!
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