In my life currently, I am in a continuous place where the veil between reality and the ethereal is fluttering open, making me all the more aware and present of the truth beyond the visible. To help explain, last Sunday I had a both painful and profoundly growing experience.
Currently, I am a part of the first ever Vagina Monologues in Ashland (well, that not of any affiliation with the college). Its been amazing to be once again apart of such a beautiful production, fourth time is a charm, right? I love to see how the beautiful stories are spoken each time in a dynamic and different form through the different voices sharing the stage alongside me. The time before I felt a very tight kinship with the cast, one that continues strong to this day. Sisters for life, to be certain, myself being the big sister in that bunch.
This time around I am not the big sister, more like one of the middle sisters, or something of that fashion. Its been inspiring to see the words come forth out of multi-generational women, as the years enhance understandings of the truths on the page that bring out deeper meanings and layers.
Okay, back to my most profound and painful experience. Last Sunday, we had our dress rehearsal. It was the first time the majority of us were together. There we were under the lights and hearing the show play out fully, each monologue flowing after the other. Now, I had mistakenly forgot to call in a prescription (I have since then received it) on Saturday, so the effect of not having the medicine was enhancing my already sensitive soul. As the monologues tumbled together, the truths my sisters' shared were awash of emotions over me. By the end, I was felt as an exposed nerve, raw and fragile.
The girls around me were buzzing with activity and because of my current emotional state I kept fighting the trap of feeling wounded, doing the mental gymnastics of continually reminding myself, its all in my head. Now, I know truthfully that none were upset, that I was in that raw, emotional place and my sensitivity was not truly known to them or understood. I do not have any hard feelings towards them, rather my heart is all the more in love with each. Here's why.
After rehearsal, as I climbed into bed to sleep the night away, allowing my emotionally drained mind a necessary respite, I had a sudden revelation. Emotions are not scary but necessary lessons to awaken us to deeper truths. We all have the tendency to flee out of fear when the opportunity of being hurt rises up, for whatever reason, and in that to begin to distrust, devalue, even dislike. As I lay there in my bed, overwhelmed with feelings, I decided to accept my emotional state and in that to accept not only the girls of whom I share the stage, but all people as they are moment by moment. For, unless we are known narcissists lacking empathy, no one is perfect, all are capable of positive and negative emotions. All can love, all can hate. To truly be in relationship, we have to come together in honesty, accepting all parts of each other. In reality, "you can't pick the parts you want" (quote from the monologue, Hair).
I think the beauty of the Vagina Monologues is not only helping individual women find healing, wholeness, and empowerment, but bringing about true healing between the relationships women share. For my part, my interpersonal relationships with my gender have often been fraught. Each time I do the Vagina Monologues, my heart softens and not only am I able to forgive myself, the women in the past who have wounded, but open myself a little more to the beauty of authentic female friendship. In that, I began to rise to the full length of my being.
In the words of the monologue, "The Vagina Monologues", I believe knowing women can be reflected:
"The thing that surprised me the most was all the layers. Layers inside layers, opening into more layers...It was better than the Grand Canyon, ancient and full of grace. It had the innocence and freshness of a proper English garden. It was funny, very funny. It made me laugh. It could hide and seek, open and close."
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