What's on the Inside?

The ol' meme tells us: "It's not about what's on the outside, it's what's on the inside that matters." --As of this, truly is what keeps our minds from the superficial.

Until recently, I believed myself wholeheartedly that I followed this form of thought.  Until I met someone and found myself not attracted to the physical, insomuch, as to who I perceive they are inside, the beautiful person and passionate creativity that inspires me, touches my soul, and, in a sense, gets me.  I didn't allow myself to admit this attraction because admittedly I was hung up on the exterior, an idea that I discovered in myself to be humbling.

Strangely though, I have discovered, of recent, friends that value me not for my exterior but for the who I really am inside.  In past relationships (primarily with men), I felt objectified by my 'barbie-doll' physique and made to feel unintelligent.  With women, I was immediately seen as a threat to their relationships as soon as I walked in the room and before I even opened my mouth.  Because of this, I strove to hide the blatantly obvious physical, masking it with a sarcastic, sometimes witty, sense of humor.  It often didn't work: guys, at least my assumption says, saw me as not only sexy but funny!  A win for them, I guess.

Fast forward a few years when I started going to church where I was seen as some kind of seductress because of my figure (one that I inherited from my lovely Grandma).  I would walk up to my male "brothers" of the flock to have a friendly conversation and be looked at as if I was trying to jump their bones.  This made me feel so low for the way God built me that I began trying to cover up so much of my body that I was practically wearing a burka and started massively dieting to an extreme so that my body would become more childish, in affect, I would lose my sexuality.  No matter what I did in the church, men saw me as sex-object and thus the enemy.

Until recently, when I started acting and hanging out with the crazy theatre folks, did I begin to accept how I look and finally allow my whole self, the inner me, the real me to emmerge.  And, it is in that that I find healing and acceptance.  You would think with a bunch of actors and theatre folk one would have to be more superficial yet strangely this is not the case.  With my circle of theatre and film folk, I feel as if I am really being looked at, not examined as a possible lay or an immoral enemy, but for the truth of my heart and soul.

For this reason, I am thankful that not only can I finally achieve a healthy sense of mind, heart,  and body but through that I can express myself through creative expression and emotion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LFRm2srRC64