Demi/Grey/Sapio--ACE! #asexualpride #asexualcomingout

 

14 Asexual Spectrum Identities | Different Ways to Be Ace

Along my journey of recovery, I am continously in awe of the personal soul growth and realizations of inner self.  As I begin to embrace the feeling of wholeness and true health, I recognize how that which I discover that defines not just who I am becoming, but who I always was.  Thus, in these discoveries, I find healing for the pain carried with me from every phase of my life.  

As I unravel the history of traumatic abuse, I face the truth of my toxic past relations and through examination begin to learn how healthy interaction looks and feels.  This path guides me to the realization of my forever relational inclinations, mentioned before, such as always being polyamorous even though trying to hide and conform. (Coming out. #truecolors)

Deepening that, I come to realize the inner workings of my heart and how it engages without.  The various labels of today, mere words on paper, however, when one discovers that one that signfies an answer to the longheld inner confusion, a light dawns upon the darkness and a feeling of acceptance warms within.  That is what happened when I discovered the terms 'demi-sexual/romantic', 'grey-sexual/romantic', and 'sapio-sexual/romantic'.  

All of my life in this  modern age of romance, I thought I was a strange duck, hever quite seeming to fit in or now how to interact appropriately.  I have never logged onto the variety of dating sites nor connected with someone through those, in fact, I have never desired or needed such interaction.  The majority of my goings-on in life I am in no need of any sort of physical sexual encounter, unless in the throes of new relationship energy, whether it be limerence or infatuation.  Recognizing this helps me understand why the required abstinence of the purity culture in my fundie years worked just fine with me (however, I reject the basic premise of purity culture and now see that as blatant control, shame, and abuse.) Without making any effort or outward proclamation, I can happily live a life of abstinence, as I find myself so energized by the sensual act of creativity in my various projects.  I must add here, that romantic or platonic relation is distinct here from the physical, as for much of my life, I craved the addictive high of new relationship as a means of escape from myself and the drudgery, however, that mindset is dysfunctional and has no connection to healthy interaction, whether physical or emotional.

For these reasons, I never fully resonated with the term 'asexual' for in my limited understanding of such term, I felt quite sure I was, in fact, a sexual being.  Even during the fundie years, when made to feel shame for my past sexual encounters, I felt sure I was flawed because of my illicit (but not really) sexual cravings.  In recent years, with the dawn of the openness of body and sex positivity and recovery found in deconstruction, I've been able to explore the true defintions of a variety of terms and have learned that there is a spectrum of asexuality.

asexual: not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; non-sexual. (of a person) having no sexual feelings or desires, or not sexually attracted to anyone. (of reproduction) not involving the fusion of gametes. without sex or sexual organs.

The spectrum of asexual identity was an awe-inspiring, eye-opening revelation which led me feeling more self aware and comfortable within.  For my personal self understanding, I add 'romantic' to the above terminology because for me, a proud demi-sexual first and foremost, romance and the physical are interlinked and never separated.  

That said, the foremost term that defines all of me is that of the demisexual, the first on this list followed very closely by greysexual, then lastly, up comes a newer term, sapiosexual.  For me, this reveals itself to me in not desiring or seeming to need a romantic engagement unless under specific circumstance and once a tight bond has formed.  

The majority of this bond is formed through emotional connection, as my soul leads itself overall towards emotional intelligence first.  In the quest for knowledge, I do find myself hungering for all, both intellectual and emotional, but personally always fall back on the latter.  In any encounter, I detest the mere pitter patter of small talk and crave the deep interactions of truly knowing another on the soul level. 

At last, I find myself wrapped up within all of these.  Labels alone can only go so far and one will find themselves within the context of a variety.  Thus, the use of labels is not to rigidly define, but to find truth in the fluidity of self with the intention to remain open to the evolution of the soul's journey towards healing and wholeness.  Find what rings truest to oneself and let the rest dissappiate, for knowing one's self is the true path to empowerment. 

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

Here I am in younger days star gazing
Painting picture perfect maps
Of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass: faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should've seen

My thoughts Included

As I come to the conclusion of the series of interviews and articles based on the stories of my now sisters, I think it pertinent that I share my own story and understanding of why I choose fine art modeling and photography as a main source of revenue as well as to reflect upon the influences of what I have gleaned from the previous week's entries by the art models, dancers, and such that willingly allowed me to share their stories.

For starters, I began my life as an art model roughly in about 2012, but it was a rocky start.  I wasn't sure why I really wanted to try art modeling, other than that I needed a means of making some money.  Additionally, I had a friend in college that had done art modeling and I had always been inwardly envious that she could do such a thing.  Also, I had a husband that as well as being verbally and emotionally abusive, he manipulated me in ways that made my choices about him, whether positive or negative.  So, my choice of becoming an art model somehow reflected on his influence on me to express myself as a woman...in short, it led back to him, although while his tirades enveloped me in an increasing lack of my own self worth.  He looked good on the outside, I felt devalued on the inside.  Not a good relationship foundation, am I right?

Yes, it was a rocky start.  My first ever time way back in modeling, I felt so nervous and exposed, found sitting still for a prolonged amount of time painful and harder than I had imagined, kept having those reflective itches that I had to scratch so thus kept moving making it difficult for the artists' to focus...I wasn't asked back for the second modeling opportunity that year.  I was devastated but I told myself, despite my debilitating self worth, that I wouldn't give up.  I had found my calling and purpose in life as an actor and art modeling was an extension of that.  But it was a seemingly uphill battle during those early days with the effects of an abusive husband constantly in my life, dragging me downward both physically and emotionally.

Once I had kicked the jerk out and yet despite the heartbreak felt a renewal and strength emerging plus a clarity of thought, I decided to try again at art modeling.  Awhile back, after a clothed modeling gig of which I had walked away with 30 dollars after only sitting for an hour an a half, I said to myself, "If I could do this on a regular basis, it would be the best lucrative job ever."  (Well, one of the best I believe now!)  I have found in my life since the great awakening of my soul, reflected in kicking the ex out and so much more, that thoughts inspire action.  The very ability to get in touch with my inner desires through a spoken thought leads to the intention to pursue that and eventually make that a reality.  As the tagline of this blog reads, "What You Visualize Becomes Your Reality".

So, I was fortunate to get an ongoing gig starting in 2014 working for the local community college 3 to 4 hours a day, twice a week.  It became a substantial part of my income and a regular source of revenue that afforded me that sigh of relief to know that it was reliable.  Beyond that, I found a deeper love for and appreciation for the work, that I would never have dreamt possible.  To start with, although I model for local studios, I work primarily for the colleges.  It feels very empowering to be of service to the students' learning process.  Even more so, being nude in front of strangers has become less and less fearful but more and more comfortable.  In addition, to the years of healing and self growth awareness I have undertaken, modeling helped me develop an appreciation for myself, to learn to love myself, and, in short, to truly feel comfortable in my own skin as well.  In fact, I would go so far as to say that modeling has been a huge factor in my healing and ability to grow and love myself.

I have recently now started doing art model photography, an area that I was very leery of, however, in these early stages, I am learning that mostly photographers are not, NOT, the creepy guy just wanting to take photos of naked girls to masturbate to as well as to possibly take advantage of, but rather are the same as the artists' that I model for in the figure drawing classes.  They are, in fact, artists' with a unique vision that can be expressed through photography.  That helps me take the bold steps into this new artistic venture.

In addition, modeling has enhanced my ability as an actor and artist.  As Rosalind Russell once said,

I have come to truly believe that in my art abilities as a whole.  Being able to be fully exposed physically helps me to fully expose myself in other ways, allowing myself a full transparency, openness, and willingness in all my interactions, both onstage, on film, or throughout life, for the business of life requires an artist's mind to truly exist.  As my one of my interview guests, Burlesque Dancer, Darby McCue joked, "Art modeling is the least sexual of all of these jobs yet shows the most nudity."  And, that is an actual fact.  I have never once felt sexually objectified or taken advantage of from an artist whether figure or photography as an art model.  Furthermore, in the art classes at the colleges, I feel very safe and supported by the teachers', who after years of working with them, I can truly call more than colleagues, but friends.

Despite my own personal growth and healing coming forth from art modeling, I have experienced some backlash, mostly stemming from a misunderstanding about what it is I, in fact, do.  Most people believe art modeling to be an aspect of sex work and thus see my work as such.  Ultimately, these individuals are not truly comfortable and at peace with their own bodies and sexuality.  For this, I can relate as I was once where they are.  In my past, in addition to being dealt the diagnosis of bipolar, I struggled with a variety of body issues, such as body dysmorphia and anorexia nervosa, stemming from an overall inability to see myself as worthy of love and thus to truly love myself.  So, this misunderstanding or judgment on their part does not deter me from being proud of my career choice, working in a variety of ways as an art model, but truly inspires me to continue, not just merely for myself, but to impact change in a society that views nudity as shameful and wrong.

Now, as I conclude this subject, I take a pause to reflect on the deeper appreciation and understanding I have gained from those individuals that have shared their stories with me.  Some of them, the art models, I understood, others were mystifying to me and I admit, I had some sense of discomfort and misunderstanding of their profession.  Because of their willingness to share and openness to be honest, I no longer hold those beliefs.  Even more than a deeper love for each of those that shared, I have a new desire to understand and even to try my hand at some of these professions.  (Can you see me as a burlesque dancer?)

So, to finalize, I want to thank each of those that shared their stories and offer my heartfelt gratitude for the time they took to do so, as well as to feel honored that I have a new sense of appreciation for them and a deeper friendship with each of them.

For them and for the readers of these articles, I express the hope that our society will advance by becoming more willing to embrace body positivity as a life-style, and not feel shame for who you are and how you look.  With them, I share the belief that society can and will change to become more embracing of nudity as art, and even more so, help to enhance the freedom and healing that so many need.

That said, I dedicate this song to those that shared their stories, my dear friends, and to you, the reader:

Try by Colbie Caillat

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to, give it all away

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

You don't have to try so hard

You don't have to bend until you break

You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up

You don't have to change a single thing

Making Her Way In The World

Way back in her past,  Alyssa Lyes, used to be a cam girl.  For about three years of her life, she lived a fictional life of her own creation before the camera, keeping her true identity of herself and her family separate.  This was because she never wanted anyone to know what she did for a living.  In fact, she never saw this as a career, but a job, a means of making money and a sustainable living for herself and her family.  She started the gig because at the time reliable personal transportation wasn’t always available for her and this afforded her the convenience of working from home.

Alyssa said that she always felt comfortable with her body while she performed this job, which she states that although she performed a lot of what she deems as ‘sex stuff’, she never masturbated.  Most of the time, she admits laughingly, she watched Netflix on silent while men ‘threw money at her’.  It allowed her a flexible schedule and it made good money.

Nowadays she doesn’t talk about this time of her life or job much, adding that only her closest friends and husband know of this part of her past, because they do not cast any shadow of judgment towards her.  One time, she mentioned that she had worked as an art model at the college, and was called a "whore" by a cast member of a show she was in at the time.  A highly religious in-law she recalls attacked her for revealing just a hint of a corset underneath one of her shirts in a photograph.  That same photo, she explains, was later used as a headshot for a theatre award.  The few times she's been nude in film work have been treated as 'bad gossip' in the theatre world of which she works as an actor, but she never feels overly harshly judged for her it within that circle.  Once she did a Facebook friendly photo shoot of which she found herself the target of hate, being called 'whore', leading her to block and unfriend many.  This is why she never talks about her past as a cam-girl, because that job is seen as 'sexual con artist'. 

However she does see rays of hope for society as a whole.  In the true crime world, murder victims are no longer referred to as "hookers" or even "prostitutes", but as sex workers.  So, this gives her hope for her own value of self and for her sisters, as well as the next generation.

                            

Lacy Knickers: Self Discovery Adventure Leads To A New Life

Over five years ago, our heroine, Lacy Knickers, ventured to take a class on Burlesque Dancing.  This was after seeing a Burlesque performance previously where she loved how inclusive it was as well as incorporated the facets of  being truly sex positive and body positive, including being truly theatrical and artistically creative.  As a writer, her thinking for taking the class was that she would write about her experience taking the class and how it shaped her self perspective.  With humor, Lacy says this venture might have been seen as a mid-life crisis as having just turned 41 at the time and having only just begin exploring long-hidden aspects of her sexuality.

This class led her to her first performance which led to more, she says she performs several times a month non-stop since then.  This art form has become her true passion and has led her to incorporate burlesque into other creative and artistic avenues.

Lacy first ventured into life as a producer when her friend and writer friend, Amber Keyser, approached her to help co-produce a burlesque show that would help launch Keyser's upcoming book, The V-Word: True Stories of First Time Sex.  The show was designed as a mix between reading aloud a short story from the anthology with burlesque acts between it that highlighted the emotional intensity of the piece.  Riding on the success of that show, Lacy was led to start the Booklover's Burlesque, which has now become an extremely successful show to be seen four times a year in Portland, Oregon.  Furthermore, Lacy is extremely excited to announce that Booklover's Burlesque will be having their second show in Seattle, Washington bringing the city their very special "Shakespeare Edition" on September 7th.  She is thrilled that these two aspects of art have taken flight as she herself loves both writing and burlesque.

 Lacy has enjoyed the aspect of expressing herself, her sexuality, and her identity through the art form of burlesque/draglesque, which includes writing scripts and producing shows, shows that inspire viewers on a visceral, emotional and physical levels to awaken to their own value and need for self growth and healing.  Making art in this way, she says, is a dream come true for her.  She goes on to explain that although intensely rewarding, it has also been the scariest and hardest job she has ever done in her life.

Part of this comes from the backlash she has faced from both family and society based on this career choice.  Most external sources in the overall society are  not apt to discuss or talk about this life-style endeavor, choosing to remain in a state of fear, misunderstanding and ignorance.  This saddens Lacy as she desires always to talk about such a favorite aspect of her life, one that has brought so much joy and love into her being.  However knowing how repressive society can be and how uncomfortable it is to discuss this type of thing, she never forces anyone to engage in a conversation.  However, she happily reports, many of her neighbors have attended her shows and have been not only very supportive but found them very entertaining and enlightening.

Sadly, due to extreme mental abuse, she has not had an open and satisfying relationship with her parents in a long time.  Consequently, she has not been able to share this new facet of her life and career with them, in addition to having any sort of familial ongoing connection.  She recalls in her younger days her mother chastising her to 'suck' in her stomach, reminding her that she was only attractive when she 'cleaned herself up' yet the rest of the time ugly, and informed Lacy regularly that her teeth and smile were unattractive.  At times she may suffer from the results of this abuse, she has found immense healing through burlesque and now draglesque, which has helped her to find the freedom to see herself as beautiful and sexy, in her own way of expressing herself, regardless if it fits society's or her mother's definitions.  Her value and her voice matters no matter how she looks, even if she isn't "cleaned up".

Even so, she very often deals with push back from society based on her career, saying it is like taking two steps forward only to have to take one step backwards.  She finds society's prudish views on sexuality (women, POC, the LBGTQ community, those over 30, and those with disabilities) the norms of the patriarchy, and even burlesque performers who do not like her particular brand of performance to be the most frequent enemies of her artistic endeavors.  Although this comes from a place of those who are afraid of change, Lacy believes it is her personal life mission to bring down that wall and usher in the realm of body positive and sex positive freedom.

It is a source of celebration for her to announce that after a five years, she has been able to 'come out' to her brother in law and sister in law about  her life style and career choice.  Their support and loving presence has helped her to finally begin healing from the pain that the absence of family connection has left in her heart and has allowed her to truly feel seen by a family member.

Find out more about Lacy by following her on Instagram @lacyknickers123.
You can find out more about upcoming performances at either: https://www.facebook.com/bookloversburlesque/ or on the soon to be released website: www.bookloversburlesque.com.  In addition, Lacy Knickers has a facebook page with detailed information about other performances she produces: https://www.facebook.com/lacyproductions/.

A Family Of Her Own-Making; An Exotic Dancer's Story

"As long as you are both legal adults and there is consent and you are safe, go for it!"

Alex was twenty one years old, working a dead-end job as a care-giver, when she discovered the world of exotic dancing.  Always having been open with her body and sexuality, she heard from a friend about an amateur dance contest at the local strip club and quickly she signed herself up. In that contest, she tied for first place and was offered a job at the club on the spot.  Looking back, she recalls how she shook like a leaf that first week, finding the real nature of being naked and dancing before an audience to be more than just exposing physically but also emotionally. 

In her younger life, she struggled, like many girls, with debilitating low self esteem and self worth.  But as she continued with this line of work, she increasingly found more respect for herself and has seen her self-confidence and love of self, of her body, sky-rocket. 

A big part of this empowerment has come from those she works with and alongside.  The girls, albeit at times dysfunctional, are her family and she knows wholeheartedly have her back no matter what as she, in turn, has theirs.  They are there for each other both in performance, at work, and in other areas of life.  The rest of the staff, bouncers, managers, and the like, are also there for the dancers ensuring they feel safe, respected, and heard.

It is also empowering, Alex admits, to be admired and looked at by the male viewing audience while dancing, knowing that they will pay to have that pleasure.  In addition, this has helped Alex to be in tune with her body's needs, from regular exercise, eating healthy, and maintaining adequate self care in order to ensure her performance remains high quality.

She has experienced some backlash and misunderstanding from the outside world when it comes to her profession.  A former boyfriend's mother was concerned that Alex would flirt with and steal her husband, because of her line of work.  How preposterous to think, seeing as how Alex was dating her son at the time and not there to flirt!

Although she has experienced some negativity at her work from audience members, overall she feels very safe and at home.  She sees her club as her happy place, her second home. She goes on to say, that the main reason she loves her club so much is that the power and control rests with her, with the dancer.  Its about being safe and having consent, if there is none on both sides, then its a no go.

In this way, Alex has learned not just to be body positive, but to be sex positive as well.  She embraces all sorts of different kinks as she expresses the club motto:

"As long as you are both legal adults and there is consent and you are safe, go for it!"