I am twenty-three years old, currently taking a break from college with the attempt to get my head on straight. I realized that up to this point in my life I have never been such a nice person, keeping people out rather than letting them in, to see the real me was scary mostly for myself. What was even scarier was letting someone in, then losing them in betrayal, pain, and hurt.
Then, only a few years back but what feels like a century now, it all came crashing down and I was unable to run anymore, run from myself. In terror and sheer loneliness, I began the slow journey upwards into healing and wholeness, letting go of the past hurts and finally opening my old wounds to be cleansed with the balm of love.
Into my life at this time came James, who with his love has helped me learn to love myself. Finally being allowed to let another person in, has allowed me to work past the fears of intimacy.
No doubt, I still have setbacks along this path, such as the other night in the motel coming back from Reno, moments where I want to end it all, to be free from the unending relentless pain and despair. The very fact of losing myself in the unknown, the oblivion of no longer existing, is appealing.
Yet something holds me back from actually going through with it. As if I have one last shred of hope keeping me here, one remaining sense of purpose for this life I'm living.
Its this fear of death that keeps me alive, albeit in a dreary, soul-draining poor excuse of a life...
And then that one night I experienced in that dingy motel coming back from Reno changed everything.
Ruth is based on a character from a short film directed and written by Zach Sutton.
No comments:
Post a Comment