Funda-MENTAL-ist: Not Just For Religion Anymore

 "Words, words, words," William Shakespeare proclaimed through his character, Hamlet.  And, indeed, words have such power and such nuance as the definition of such are not always exact, but often based on the world view and experiences of the speaker.  Merely, examining the specific definitions of words in a dictionary shapes our perspective on self, others', and the circumstances we find ourselves therein.  

A Fundamentalist is described as "a person who believes in the strict, literal interpretation of scripture in a religion" whereas an evangelist is defined as "zealous advocacy of a cause."  Because of the behavior and vocal presence of contemporary conservative Christianity, the two are often inter-mixed and mis-used.  However, I would venture to insist that both these words need not be utilized singularly in the realm of religion but can be recognized in other arenas, such as political whether one may profess to be on the side of red or on the side of blue.  

From what I see whether one portrays themselves as an overly zealous progressive left or a hyper-infused conservative right, all religious or spiritual practice aside, their political and social beliefs can find themselves careening into the negative when the dysfuntions of their mind, the undealt with darkness of their souls, takes the reign.

If the word "evangelism" taken by itself with no religious or idealism imposed means to express something positive with the message of bringing hope, ie those who loved a political leader such as Barack Obama or Donald Trump were such evangelists for their cause, the word's meaning alone does not impact the end result caused by the one importing the message.  Someone with the expressed intent of evangelizing can become fundamentalist, nay possibly militant, in their cause when the root of anger and control, the dysfunctional soul, takes ahold.  

In my life, I have friends and acquaintances, those I love and cherish, on both sides of the spectrum of fundamentalism.  Friends that consider themselves evangelistic Christians whose method is increasingly becoming fundamentalist in approach as they are infused more with fearful rhetoric of the world's supposed hatred towards them.  Then, on the left, I have friends who proclaim freedom in opposition towards what those on the right project, yet underneath a marked degree of hatred for what is opposite takes root and spurs on a fundamentalist mindset. Neither side is aware of this, however, as the lack of critical thinking and an over-saturation with media images and an inundation of readily available news has inspired an emotional outcry leaving the masses unable to slow down, ponder, before spewing out a reaction that results in a backlash of anger further and further deepening the divide, plunging each side harder into their own rigid mindsets.

On both sides, whether you be a political progressive, a conservative, a fundamentalist Christian or Muslim, the wordings used are seemingly more important that the intention.  Taking a view at the recent release of Dave Chapelle's latest special, he is found guilty of bigotry towards the transgender community yet without listening to his intentions rather only hearing the incorrect wordings he is vilified.  

Furthermore, during my time of FundaMENTALism, one aspect that led me to leave and reject that chosen path of spirituality, was the emphasis on using the right wordings to express one's faith, mostly led by the wordings the male senior pastor was using at the time, and if one's wordings strayed from that one's walk with God was called into question.  

Neither worldview is aware truly of this lack, getting lost in the outcry of their own voices rather than silencing themselves long enough to truly listen.  The result causes a separation, not just politically, socially, or idealogically, but from each other.  Isolation becomes the norm as each individual presses their face further into the screen, not grasping the nuance of the speaker on the other side, feeling depressed but unable to express and receive adequate help, anger ensues and continues unabatedly.

This lack of true connection leads to always needing to be right and moreover to be better than the other.  Yet perfection for any whatever the belief of such can never be attained.  A person with a left mindset will never fully reach their true perfection if that is what they are seeking rather than allowing themselves to revel in the highs and lows of the journey of their soul's purpose and evolution.  Thus, on the side of the right religious, the same occurs with a rampant fear of expressing one's failures and such deepens the separation.  

Recently, in my local region, a well-to-do church was besought with a scandal that I believe was caused by this needing to be perfect, to fall in line, and consequential division.  The Senior Pastor faced a result of his isolation and lack of authenticity with self by his extramaritial dalliances being exposed forcing his position within the framework of the church to be changed.  In my past, during my deconstruction, I would be angered by this hypocricy and want to use it as fodder to fuel others to leave said church.  However, as I read the article, I found myself feeling an expressed degree of sadness for those attending the church, the pastor's wife and children, the other woman involved if that be the case, and, moreover, for the pastor himself.  For each involved were never allowed to truly discover, choose, and express the fullness of who they are rather had to fall in line with that which was imposed on them by a fundamentalist system.

This illness is not something subject only to the Conservative Christian with the other side immune in their supposed enlightenment.  No, indeed, rather any belief structure that becomes rigid in its enforcement and wordings loses its freedoms and causes those that believe such to lose their ability to discover their true selves and pathways. 

Are you addicted?

In the world according to Google, the definition of addiction is thus: the fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.

I've been thinking about the nature of addiction, in my life and those around me.  I've been made aware of the disastrous effects addictions to certain substances, such as alcohol, can have on an individual's physical as well as interpersonal lives, numerous times over.  Its both painful to watch and very awe-inspiring when the individual finally admits their weakness and enters recovery.
But addiction isn't just that of a dependency on an illegal substance.  Legal substances can also be an addiction, such as alcohol and for that  matter, coffee and tobacco.  
But, what does it really mean to have an addiction? And, can we have an addiction on anything else besides a substance? Can we be addicted to a TV show, a movie, a certain story, certain concepts we latch onto, a way of being we formulate as the right way, religion, even for that matter, people? Can even love, or rather the idea of it, be an addiction?
So, what does it mean to have an addiction? For my part, I do not claim to have an addictive personality, but I do believe I have had addictions, mainly to relationships of my past.  Illusions of what I desired my life to be, an escape from what I saw as lacking in my current life situations.  I even for a time sought out religious practices as a form of addiction, an escape.
Because I feel that addiction is just that, an escape.  We can surround our addictions, not substance related, with reasonings up the wazoo of why this particular item or focus is beneficial to us and to others.  And, in a sense it is.  Every addiction has its benefits, even tobacco and alcohol can have medicinal purposes.  But the sad fact becomes apparent that in abundance the addiction can become fatal, not to just our physical but also our spiritual or emotional selves.
In the abundance of our addiction, control takes over and we lose ourselves.  We lose the ability to self-analyze ourselves, to truly overcome and find healing for that which led us to the need for the addiction.  When I was attending Calvary Chapel, the draw to join and continue membership became a desire to fit in, to disappear from myself, to find the easy answers for my struggles.  Did it work? No, not entirely.  There were some benefits to that addiction.  I found some friends with whom I have sweet memories, but I still needed to sacrifice that addiction in order to find true healing and freedom from the dangerous despair of my own inflicted pain.  For years, I tried to hide within the confines of organized religion, my drug of choice at the time, to escape from the reality of my own detriment.
Now, I am not saying that religion is bad, nor am I saying that all drugs or devices are bad.  I do have many friends that have spiritual beliefs, likewise friends that partake in certain substances.  But the fact of the matter is, by allowing these aforementioned items into their lives, they are merely enjoying and not escaping.  An addiction appears when something becomes more of a reason to hide than truly allow ourselves to delve into the root of our pain, release, overcome, and find true enlightenment, as such.  But, this can be daunting and thus the addiction, whatever it is, can look more appealing, a comfort.  
So, what's the solution? For my personal life experience, recovery is an ongoing path we all partake.  We all get better with age and grow more fully into ourselves with each experience.  Thus, my path is not your path, nor is  my addictions your addictions, or my issues yours.  I won't try to rescue or save, or steer you away from something I seem detrimental.  I have seen friends fall off the wagon, seen friends make negative choices based on their need to escape, and also seen how my trying to enforce their change proved the opposite.  
So, I focus on doing what's right for myself, even if that is sacrificing a certain relationship or releasing an individual into their own despair.  I know that ultimately focusing on my own health will catapult itself to a better life for myself and those I come across.  
In actuality, that's all any of us can do.   To quote Shakespeare, "To Thine Ownself Be True."

The Reason

Reviving the "Inner-Me"

For the past few months, I have been intensely doing character and monologue work, carefully choosing and selecting my five or more different variety of monologues for future auditions.  I realized I needed to choose some good Shakespearean monologues and that, truthfully, I wanted to do something different than the aforementioned Lady M monologue/scene I had done in college.  Without really knowing why, I felt led to Ophelia.

So, thus I began reading perhaps the most Shakespearean of works, the infamous Hamlet.  (Funny, I talked to a majority of my theatre/acting colleagues about this character choice, with the concern that I was too old, and all seemed to encourage and think that I was right for the part.)  So I continued forward...first revelation was that, always the relational actress/human being, I found the relationship between Hamlet and Ophelia to mirror that of mine and my (soon-to-be-yet-not-quite-yet) ex-husband, what with Hamlet's supposed "madness" spilling over onto abuse of Ophelia like that of Bill's illness to mine (which brings up a whole spin-off on the nature of romance and mental illness and how we often abuse the ones we love the most).

So, studying Ophelia then brought on this realization that I needed to study a little about her age-group since some time had passed from my pre-adolescent and adolescent days.  I decided I needed to read "Reviving Ophelia", a book in fact I have longed to read for many a year.    At first, I found that reading the first few pages would help me relate and support my teenage nieces, specifically my precious Teagan, but also Ari and Deborah (beyond Doctor Who conversations).

But, then I continued reading and began to discover how 'playing Ophelia' could help me to revive my own image and self-worth, that which I had lost through the effects of that age and societal and cultural pressures.

This past few weeks I have been subbing in a local middle school.  The teachers and I were discussing how sad it was to think about how the students were going from the innocence and excitement of being a kid to that of a moody pre-teen, and that somehow we wanted to stop that from happening.  I then realized that this was not, in fact, beneficial and that in a way would harm the student if we tried to halt the change.  Furthermore, that if we did somehow succeed in this, we would deter the natural course of growth in their becoming an individual.  We also commented on how separating from childhood is exactly the opposite of what we adults would like; to go back to that innocence we desire to reclaim.

Finally, that is what I believe is my sole purpose in studying and getting to know Ophelia; in reclaiming and reviving that part of myself that was stifled and thus murdered by society, the church, and my former husband.  That this girl mirrors the emphasis of what my life should be at present, one of being completely selfish, practicing self-love as it were, learning to make the right choices for my highest good, not sacrificing that which is dear to me.  Thus, finding and truly healing the inner child within.

That I believe is the real purpose we, actors (in a sense pure artists) invest so deeply in a character, for the personal growth and healing found in discovering that character and healing part of ourselves.