Part One: Kanye and Bipolar Disorder
Over the next several days, I will carefully and thoughtfully recount my experiences being one with bipolar and ptsd rage as well as a victim of such as spouse and child.
Over the past several weeks, I have kept a loose eye on the Kanye/Kim saga and let its impact bring reflection my own history with mental illness, domestic violence, and child abuse. For each of these, I have a personal connection and understanding, as I have been both perpetrator and victim. To begin with, I must assert that the violence I perpetrated and have had done towards me was mostly verbal, emotional, and mental, however, that does not lessen the impact and in someways it makes it worse. Abusers use the mental and emotional abuse with an aim to control and silence their victims, even when situations become physical. Finally, the most valuable take-away in all of this, is the reality that hurt people hurt people. Dwelling within our pain can cause us to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously.
In my desire to express full transparency, I must begin with myself and the violence I enacted on others. I am a person living with Bipolar Type 2, Celiac Disease, and CPTSD. Because of this, I have lived a long life with frequent reactive, explosive anger outbursts and emotional breakdowns, that are more prevalent during times of intense stress. Due to being an abuse victim myself, I never learned how to care for myself, to stand up for myself, to express myself, but instead, learned it was safest to keep it all inside. Not knowing how to do any of the aforementioned, caused the emotional upset to flow outwards like a raging volcano, wounding those who came into its path and to whom it was addressed, killing any future relational connection.
Okay, quit the flowery language, I'll tell it to you straight. In my past, now over a decade ago, I have raged at others in the very same ways I see Kanye doing such. I have screamed curse words and other obsenities violently over the phone at people, left abusive voice messages in this state, sent abusive emails and text messages, as well as social media posts.
Why do I say this? Not to condone my actions or that of Kanye's, but to express an understanding of the fear and pain within someone who is on this rampage, the lifelong hurt that must have caused such, and the anguish felt when the episode has passed and the realization of just what was done and the negative impact resulting. For my part, the results were losing my teaching job, getting a restraining order against me, losing dear friends, and a long-term boyfriend.
I have come so far since these days yet I still have impulses of rage that flare up. I am learning every day further and further about practicing self care, surrounding myself with healthy connections, forgiveness, and actively practicing mindfulness. Making amends helps me greatly yet this is not to rekindle the friendship but to lessen the guilt and pain caused by my actions.
I say all this to shed light on the reality of suffering someone living with Bipolar, in all its variety of mood swings, from mania to anger, has to contend. It's more than just a chemical reaction, one that can merely be healed with medications, but so much more must be put into effect. For this reason, I constantly work on myself and help to erase the stigma of mental illness through my transparency so that diagnoses aren't pariah makers or death notes, but one that causes others to look within, to be a witness and a healing agent within their own brokenness, so that outwardly we may all find healing.
Admitting to myself my own dysfunction is the the first step in my recovery, the journey life-long. Knowing the signs of my illnesses and taking the medication provided is only the first step. There is a deep well of discovery in digging through the years of pain inflicted upon my younger self, unraveling, releasing, forgiving, healing, truly moving forward and finding my thrive.
Dwelling within our pain can cause us to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously.
Section Two: Mental Illness & Domestic Violence (Coming later this week)
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