Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part Four. TW: Child Abuse

An Open Letter To The Children Of Kim Kardashian & Kanye West
(& all children with abusive parents & parents with mental health issues)

First off, I don't know you personally nor do you know me, but I have born witness to some drama between your parents through social media as many have, seen how your mother has fought for her safety as well as yours, and also have my own experience with childhood trauman and abuse that I feel a pressing need to reach out.  This is that way.

By now, you are old enough to have spent many years of your life on this planet and raised by your mother, father, various other relatives, and loved ones.  Most likely, you have born witness to many of your father's bouts with mania, depression, rage, and perhaps other mood variants.  I can imagine his instability leaves you in a place of uncertainty, perhaps fearful, confused.  As a young child, you look up to both your parents and need them to help guide you to become the person you were meant to be.  When a parent is unable to do so based on their own struggles, they are unable to be fully there for you, which, most likely, leaves you feeling lonely, lost, confused.  You see, adults' are humans too,  and just like children, some have yet to heal their own inner demons and childhood traumas before becoming parents.

Most importantly, what you need to know is:

It's Not Your Fault.

When you lie in bed at night, pulling the covers close, and hear your father yelling, when you are playing or watching TV during the day and you hear your father raging, when you read about online your father's rantings on social media:

It's Not Your Fault.

For your own health and to continue to grow into a thriving human, you must first take care of yourself.  Yes, love your father as you do, but you are not responsible for him nor are his savior.  Your mother did the right thing for herself and for each of you when she stepped out of the marriage.  She is not responsible for your father nor can she save him.  Her responsibility is for herself and, most importantly, to ensure that each of you grow up to feel cherished, loved, in an environment that is safe and enables you to truly thrive as who you were meant to be.

Throughout your life, your father will fluctuate throughout his mood swings, he may, at times, resume stability, but throughout it all, please take care of yourselves first.  Love him, encourage him to take care of himself, but love yourself and take care of yourselves first.

And remember always, his behavior and abuse towards your mother and others:

It's Not Your Fault.

This is my fight song

Take back my life song

Prove I'm alright song

My power's turned on

Starting right now I'll be strong

I'll play my fight song

And I don't really care if nobody else believes

'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Fight Song

 

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part Three. TW: Spiritual Abuse

It seems a decade ago when Kanye West's rampage against Pete Davidson and his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian on social media was all the talk replaced now with the infamous Oscar slap.  (For my thoughts, see here: https://artistthriving.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-slap-post-pandemic-trauma-recovery.html).  However, even if Kanye West's rantings are not currently in the mainstream dialogue, rest assured they will arise again, as recent history as well as the cyclical nature of Bipolar reflects, thus I still feel it pertinent to continue this blog series.

For today's entry, I want to focus on the spiritual abuse component of the relationship between Kanye and Kim.  If you have been following this blog, as well as other means of my content, you are most assuredly aware that I spent a great deal of time in my twenties as a practicing fundamentalist Christian, having started around the tender age of 22 (give or take) in the year of our Lord 2000 (er, sure, yeah, okay), to find myself exiting the church one noon Sunday never to return in 2010.  The years that tumbled forth from that departure were a-wash with dealing with an abusive spouse, trying to continue stability within my own mental health as well as survive in this 'material world', while beginning the awkward and alone-ness of deconstructing from Christian fundamentalism. 

Spiritual abuse is described as "Any attempt to exert power and control over someone using religion, faith, or beliefs can be spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse can happen within a religious organization or a personal relationship. Spiritual abuse is not limited to one religion, denomination, or group of people."  For me, my experience with spiritual abuse happened within the confines of intimate relationship as well as corporately within the church.   In addition, the depths to which spiritual abusers can go reflects the extent of time, closeness, and sway they have over their victims."  

For my part, I was fortunate in that my time within the fundamentalist worldview was under a decade and I did not experience any real physical or sexual abuse from being a part of it.  However, this does not negate the abuse I experienced as well as the pain and trauma I hold, nor does it for others as well.  Thus, I can say with much assertion that I am a person who has experienced spiritual abuse and therefore can claim an additional aspect of PTSD labeled "Religious Trauma Syndrome". 

Religious trauma syndrome is described as: "occuring when an individual struggles with leaving a religion or a set of beliefs that has led to their indoctrination, often involveing the trauma of breaking away from a controlling environment, lifestyle, or religious figure."

Despite having left the church a year before my ill-fated marriage, the effects of the church's indoctrination ran deep and I found my mind still succumbing to the controlling beliefs on woman's roles within  my abusive marriage.  Because of this,  I believed both that if I prayed for and practiced marital submission the marriage would be successful.  Moreover, I carried an inner martyrdom belief that somehow all the abuse that befell upon me was somehow a fault within myself.  In addition, being raised in a family that mirrored the marriage of which I found myself within played a significant role in my staying within the confines of this abusive situation.  

I share this in relation to the Kanye/Kim saga because Kanye West has recently professed to be a fundamentalist Christian, having come out with his song, "Sunday Service" and trying to adhere to the regular practices of this religion.  One of those it would seem would be the theme of patriarchy and mysogyny within the confines of fundamentalist Christianity.  

Fundamentalist Christianity uses the scriptures below as means to subjugate and dominate women: 

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."  --Ephesians 5:22-33

"I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.  A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.  I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.  For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.  But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety."-- 1 Timothy 2:9-15

"But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."--1 Corinthians 11:3

I share all these,  (at risk of being triggered and spiraling backwards in my recovery) because of the below posts from Kanye West's instagram ravings:

In each of these exchanges, Kanye West, backed by his followers, uses the tactic of spiritual doctrine based on the beliefs on the above scriptures, to enforce his control over Kim Kardashian and his children.  His followers, most likely believers in the fundamentalist Christian version of God, assert his right as father to have utmost control and to dictate what his children should do because he is the spiritual head of the family.  In doing this, they ignore the blatant abusiveness of Kanye's words and actions, only wanting their worldview to be dominate and to continue to keep women and children, like Kim Kardashian and her children, in the place of subordinate.  

Because of this, I see Kanye West using spiritual abuse tactics as another means of controlling and abusing his ex-wife.  In addition, this may have been tactics he used to force her to stay with  him while they were still "happily and biblically" wed.  

Dear reader, if any of this rings true and you feel as you have experienced spiritual abuse, please know you are not alone.  No matter the abusive indoctrination of the supposed religion, you do have value and are deeply loved.  Please reach out for support during your deconstruction process: https://www.1800respect.org.au/violence-and-abuse/spiritual-abuse 

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed (I would pray)
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Breakaway

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part Two. TW: Domestic Violence

Part Two: Kim Kardashian and Domestic Abuse

My last entry on this story was based purely on the side from Kanye West's viewpoint as a person living with Bipolar.  However, today I want focus on the nature of how mental illness can bleed over into domestic abuse and intimate partner violence.  Presently, we are now seeing the Kanye West commit domestic abuse against his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian.

As I have been pondering the words to write this entry, I've been thinking over my past history with domestic abuse and intimate partner violence, mainly coming from that of my ex-husband, of who I was married to for two years, together for three.  My husband's rage over me, pinning me into a corner and screaming absurd accusations, throwing various items in my direction, including a telephone book that left a bruise upon my leg, circulated around his undiagnosed schizophrenia.  For years, especially during the marriage, I used that as an excuse for the abuse he perpetrated.  It was only in recently, some ten plus years since we divorced, that I can recognize that the domestic abuse stands on its own and is not made right because of his mental illness. 

Abuse is abuse, no matter the means. 

As I have been writing this, I have been scouring over the internet looking at photos of Kim Kardashian with her aforementioned ex-husband, in times of supposed "wedded bliss".  I have been thinking of past interviews she did and public posts, seemingly trying to support him and explain away his rampages as part of his mental illness, expressing his 'genius' in relation to his suffering.  At times, even when she was in the cross-fire of his social media rants, she stood by him, while seeking out ways to get him some psychiatric, emergency treatment.  

Now, I much express that I haven't paid much attention to Kim Kardashian or the world that surrounds her.  I think I have watched a bit of Keeping Up With The Kardashians once, for a few minutes only.  Looking at the photos of the two of them, they begin to tell a different story in light of recent affairs; there is a tension, forcing a sense of togetherness and marital bliss, yet the body language expresses a different, inner reality. In recent years, as Kanye West's bipolar mood swings seem to be overflowing increasingly in the public eye, I have felt much empathy for the suffering and concern that must plague her.  

She, like me with my husband, tried to stand by, support, and find ways to get him the help he needed.  

As we reflect upon the rants Kanye is currently spewing forth on social media, we are now visually seeing proof of domestic violence towards his former wife.  For me, that gives me pause to reflect and ponder.

In past years, Kanye has chosen his targets outwardly towards a variety of people, such as Taylor Swift, in a roundabout fashion.  Up until recently, we haven't seen much instances of his turning on Kim herself.  But I wonder...

Trevor Noah on Kim & Kanye

I conjecture that, at times, when he wasn't on the rampage towards someone else, if he turned that vitriol, that paranoia, that bipolar rage, on his wife, and that in actual verbal rants.  Possibly more, I cannot really say.  The times when the abuse was outwardly focused, when Kim felt more like an ally than an enemy, perhaps that was a brief moment of reprieve for her.  The reality is, abuse is abuse whatever the form and most often physical is the final result of days upon days, months upon months, years upon years of the victim being broken down with verbal insults, manipulations, gas-lighting, and other emotional and mental abuse tactics.  

Kim stood by him, explaining his actions away as related to his mental illness, until she, for the safety of herself and her family, no longer could.  Until his rages and accusations on her from Wyoming a couple years back, most likely, forced her to see how unsafe she was, that whatever the root cause, abuse is abuse and this marriage was no longer a healthy partnership.

A few days ago, in preparation for this entry, I was reading an article about Kim's appearance on Ellen promoting her new reality series.  The article was detailing how Ellen and others were remarking on how happier and at peace she seemed, commenting that Pete Davidson must be good for her.  That may be, Pete seems like a stand-up guy who is radically transparent on his journey with his own demons through his art and comedy, but I would go further that Kim's new found peace and joy comes from doing what was right for herself, her family, from standing up for herself and removing a toxic element, finally, being able to find the freedom and spaciousness to truly "Begin Again"

If you or someone you love is in a situation of domestic violence and intimate partner violence, please contact: National Domestic Violence Hotline

.

 

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part One. TW: Mental Health, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse

 

Part One: Kanye and Bipolar Disorder

Over the next several days, I will carefully and thoughtfully recount my experiences being one with bipolar and ptsd rage as well as a victim of such as spouse and child.

Over the past several weeks, I have kept a loose eye on the Kanye/Kim saga and let its impact bring reflection my own history with mental illness, domestic violence, and child abuse.  For each of these, I have a personal connection and understanding, as I have been both perpetrator and victim. To begin with, I must assert that the violence I perpetrated and have had done towards me was mostly verbal, emotional, and mental, however, that does not lessen the impact and in someways it makes it worse.  Abusers use the mental and emotional abuse with an aim to control and silence their victims, even when situations become physical.  Finally, the most valuable take-away in all of this, is the reality that hurt people hurt people.  Dwelling within our pain can cause us to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously.

In my desire to express full transparency, I must begin with myself and the violence I enacted on others.  I am a person living with Bipolar Type 2, Celiac Disease, and CPTSD.  Because of this, I have lived a long life with frequent reactive, explosive anger outbursts and emotional breakdowns, that are more prevalent during times of intense stress.  Due to being an abuse victim myself, I never learned how to care for myself, to stand up for myself, to express myself, but instead, learned it was safest to keep it all inside.  Not knowing how to do any of the aforementioned, caused the emotional upset to flow outwards like a raging volcano, wounding those who came into its path and to whom it was addressed, killing any future relational connection.  

Okay, quit the flowery language, I'll tell it to you straight.  In my past, now over a decade ago, I have raged at others in the very same ways I see Kanye doing such.  I have screamed curse words and other obsenities violently over the phone at people, left abusive voice messages in this state, sent abusive emails and text messages, as well as social media posts.  

Why do I say this? Not to condone my actions or that of Kanye's, but to express an understanding of the fear and pain within someone who is on this rampage, the lifelong hurt that must have caused such, and the anguish felt when the episode has passed and the realization of just what was done and the negative impact resulting.  For my part, the results were losing my teaching job, getting a restraining order against me, losing dear friends, and a long-term boyfriend.  

I have come so far since these days yet I still have impulses of rage that flare up.  I am learning every day further and further about practicing self care, surrounding myself with healthy connections, forgiveness, and actively practicing mindfulness.  Making amends helps me greatly yet this is not to rekindle the friendship but to lessen the guilt and pain caused by my actions.  

I say all this to shed light on the reality of suffering someone living with Bipolar, in all its variety of mood swings, from mania to anger, has to contend.  It's more than just a chemical reaction, one that can merely be healed with medications, but so much more must be put into effect.   For this reason, I constantly work on myself and help to erase the stigma of mental illness through my transparency so that diagnoses aren't pariah makers or death notes, but one that causes others to look within, to be a witness and a healing agent within their own brokenness, so that outwardly we may all find healing.

Admitting to myself my own dysfunction is the the first step in my recovery, the journey life-long.  Knowing the signs of my illnesses and taking the medication provided is only the first step.  There is a deep well of discovery in digging through the years of pain inflicted upon my younger self, unraveling, releasing, forgiving, healing, truly moving forward and finding my thrive.  

Dwelling within our pain can cause us to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously.

https://www.bphope.com/4-things-about-bipolar-anger-you-might-not-know/

What is Bipolar Disorder?

0:11 / 9:44 Bipolar Disorder and Aggression

Bipolar Girl

Section Two: Mental Illness & Domestic Violence (Coming later this week)