A Letter To My Ex-Husband #intimatepartnerviolence #domesticabuse #survivortothriver

 

You held me down, but I got up (Hey!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up (Hey!)

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

 Roar--Katy Perry

For My Ex-Husband,

I have seen you around town a couple times of recent, thus, I take it that you are now living here again.  Thus, it is vitally important that I express the truth of who I am and what you are to me now.

I am not who I was when I knew you before and during our marriage.  When we were together, you attempted to silence, nullify, control me.  In a blinding rage our of your sheer paranoia and low self esteem, you sought to undermine, use, and abuse.  All this, while I paid all the bills, kept the cabinets full of the food you requested, cooked, cleaned, tried my best to appease, console, your various medical complaints and concerns.  That's right, if you recall, I got you an MRI near Salem and took time off work to drive you there.  Yet, nothing ever was good enough.  The more I bent over backward, the more you raged on, blaming me for everything.  In the briefest of moments, you were the sweet man I fell in love with, suddenly sharply turning into the darkest of nightmares, feeling emotionally trapped akin to the time you physically pinned me against the wall screaming over me whilst I sobbed.

Yeah, that's the truth of it.  No matter how you try to lie it away, deceiving others, placing the blame on myself and others continuously, that won't work for me anymore.

After I, sobbing, kicked you out of my life, that fateful Oscar Sunday 2013, tears streaming down my face, on our doorstep, then a few days later, filed a restraining order, my life has continued upwards, despite minor setbacks of other emotional abuse.  . 

We'd always go into it blindly

I needed to lose you to find me

This dancing was killing me softly

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

For the last ten years and counting, I live with the most loyal, sympathetic, and lovingly patient life partner.  He has his share of struggles but he makes up for it in his willingness to grow, evolve, and I love him for that.  A few years ago, we came to a dark impasse in our relationship, which almost broke us, but a depth of love beckoned us to continue, to help each other heal, to listen, to hold, to grow, to evolve.  We have two adorable kitty cats, a beautiful home with an outstanding view many remark upon and I never tire of, and a wonderful community of creative and supportive friends, a chosen family.  

I have an amazing sporty, safe, little red Chevrolet sonic, as well as a little Kia Rio.  I have an active garden where I harvest food from the land.  

Since 2016, I have evolved from 'just' an actress to life as an indie film-maker and together with some beautiful friends have created a wide body of work, available far and wide, for viewing, including the story I talked about when we were together.  The character from that story, Jane, then Romana, helped me awaken, lost girl no more.  In addition, I have been actively a part of many theatre and film productions across Northern California and throughout Oregon.  I have made a very successful and budding career as a professional art model.  I could go on...

But, what I want to express is this, not only have I achieved my dreams, I have gone beyond all that I could ever imagine possible.  I have found my inner strength, purpose, and peace.  I know now completely I am worthy of love, of all types, that I am worthy of the positive loyal friends who have stood by me, walked with me, throughout all the highs and lows, whose presence is a reminder of that love, of never giving up.  No longer do I awake with night terrors, no more do I feel the need to look over my shoulder when going about my life, no more do I shudder when a door, a cabinet is closed a little too hard, or when a glass is accidentally broken.

I mean...I have changed so much, I am wiccan now...I've been on stage across this valley, I've been in films across this state, I am a youtuber now, I have a podcast, I'm an art model...what have they (you) done with their(your) lives(life)?--Alina from Real

At present, I am finally birthing the story of 'our time' together, a long sought hopeful intention.  But, this story is not for you, nor is it truly your story.  This is my story, for me, as well as for others that you both directly and inadvertently abused and thus continue to do.  This story is for them, for others in the world who have experienced love, heartbreak, abuse, and found themselves, and for me.  The lessons learned for me are just that, through the heartbreak, the abuse, I found love of myself, love from others, and the strength of will to persevere. No longer a survivor, a thriver.

Like Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, I prevail, standing up against the abuser, liquifying their resolve, for my personal best and that of others. I will never fail to do just that, for my own good and for the benefit of society.

In therapy, I am working through my trauma, from you as well as others, to unlearn the lies you sought to wound with, to heal so that you, or any other abuser, will not live rent-free within my mind any longer.  Nor will the lies you screamed over me.  You don't deserve the time of anguish and anxiety any longer.  I am working so that when I see you again, you will no longer be an ongoing concern to me, no longer cause a fear reaction causing momentarily inaction.  No, I am working so that you will no longer exist to me.  Sure, I hold a space of love for you somewhere far away in a distant past, long ago, at that café, but that is all you will ever be.  Others from that time of life, I will always willingly make time for, re-connect with tenderness of love and gratitude.

Yet, you are not deserving of that treatment.  One who sought to destroy could not, did not, and will never. 

I have dreams, now that you're not lying
Next to me
I can sleep, I can rest in peace
I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails
I'm not burning up like I'm in hell
I can sleep
Now that I don't have you

Now that I don't have you
Maybe someday I'll love as others do
And wake up one morning to skies of blue
But I won't be with you

Now That I Don't Have You --Jill Sobule

A Very Open Letter To My Frenemies

Okay, here's the thing, I'm titling this letter "VERY OPEN" because if any reader happens to imagine themselves in the rank of "frenemy" of mine, for reasons either known between the two of us or imagined in their own head, then by all means this letter is open to counter with your comments below.  

And, yeah, I'll say it.  I have frenemies, even dare I say, enemies, which when it comes down to it anyone who is not a true friend is just that, an enemy.  But the cute little catchy "frenemy" has grown in popularity to define a sort of subset between not quite friends, not quite enemies.  How Junior High Adolescent like we can be all the way through the varied years of our lives!

So, yes, I admit I have a frenemy or two or three or four or....who knows?  And, you know what, I am pretty damn proud and unashamed to admit that.  Why, you ask, could you ever be so proud to admit you are perhaps hated by another that you once called friend? 

Well, for the very reason there is an "enemy" in fre-nemy because they were never truly a friend. Instead, they were someone with whom came into my life for the select purpose of their own gain, providing nothing in the relationship only that which will benefit them, and once they have received said item, away they go.  Unless, of course, you have the good fortunate, as I have in very recent times, to catch them at their game.  Frenemies do not like to be called out, they will pout, they will throw hissy fits, angrily they will go behind your back to gossip and turn others against you.  Be not afraid, true friends will never leave despite your changing behavior and mood, come what may, despite any rumors that may be spread.  True friends will come to you and address said rumors, seeking out your side of the story.  True friends are the ones that, in the end, will remain.

But, this is not about friends, nay, but about my frenemies and the reasoning behind why I am damn proud of having such individuals in my life at significant time periods.  Frenemies vary from narcissistic types bent on full abuse and control (a church leader might fall here, or a parental figure, or a lover of a sort), to acquaintances through work or other activity who suddenly bind themselves to you when they feel they have something to gain, and those that fall somewhere in between.  So, yeah there is a big gamut of what can be seen as 'abusers' in our lives and I feel that I have experienced the that full arrayed assortment.

But, I am getting better at noticing it sooner and therein lies the crux as to why I am thankful for these receivers and takers, never giving unless it will benefit them.  I am thankful because they're unending taking and abuse led me down the path to discovering my true worth based on that which I do not deserve.  Furthermore, the strength I discovered from walking away from the connection to the abusive frenemy, that which followed months upon months, even years, of my being the blunt end of the manipulation, feeling unheard, under-appreciated, and invalidated, so much that there was a constant fear of misstep and facing their wrath, has empowered me again and again to do what's right for me in seeking my freedom and my mental well-being.  

In addition to stepping back from the toxic, I now notice how at peace I feel in all my encounters.  The daily struggle of life, sometimes that temporary "oh fuckin shit" moment where even the slightest error occurs doesn't rock me nearly as frequent or as long.  I have noticed clarity in my connections and relations to others, that an abundance of healthy souls are coming into my life, who give just as much as they take and insist that I receive as well.  I am now in a myriad of relationships where I feel heard, appreciated, validated, and able to express myself more and more to the fullest of who I am.

Lastly, my creativity soars to new levels as I finally feel the freedom to explore avenues of life I was afraid at one point to venture upon, lest it hinder my connection to certain frenemy types or cause insult.  Furthermore, I am not out to gain the numbers, to head to the top of the class, to reach fame, fortune, stardom, and 'trendsetting', no, if I get two readers on this or 2,000, the act of creating is the same.  I create because I feel the inspiration and need to do just that.   How many view said item is not up to me nor is it in my power or worthy of my time to agonize over, I must simply create and in that realm I truly enjoy the imagination-fueled artistic process. 

So, I thank you, dear frenemy.  I thank you for the happy memories we shared.  I thank you for the toxicity I endured from you, for from both gave me the strength to realize what healthy relationships are and the courage to make the choice to leave that which was not.

Thank you. For in leaving, I have finally entered into the deepest of soul's inner peace that comes from truly knowing and receiving only that which I deserve, not based on what I can do for another, but love unconditional.  From that, I have discovered life's most truest victory, that of the confidence developed when one falls in love with themselves.  

I have hope, now that I don't have you
I have faith, now that I'm alone
I'm not bashing my head against the wall
I'm not waiting forever for your call
I'm not wasting time
Now that I don't have you

Now That I Don't Have You

Find what I said interesting? Are you a frenemy? Comment below and I will respond.  

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company.  Support Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

I'm not networking anymore!

Yesterday I had a post traumatic stress break, like an anxiety attack but so much worse. 

I know that I have mentioned before somewhat about my abusive past, but always with certain limitations.  In truth, I haven't really dealt with the inner issues and fall-out since I left my abusive ex-husband in 2013, and slowly realized the extent of all the abusive types I had allowed into my life since childhood, from friends, spiritual teachers, and boyfriends alike.  I imagined that if I forgave the abuser, not forgotten, that I had learned my lesson and could truly move forward.  But, there is a difference between moving forward and being healed.  Because moving forward can become akin to busyness, to forget, nullify, and distract. 

It has come to my attention these last several months that I have not truly overcome my post traumatic issues and, in fact, have learned that I am one that buries deep my feelings to run from, distract, avoid and can seem aloof to others.  Although I am indeed a deeply compassionate person with a ton of emotions right at the surface, my past traumatic experiences have taught me that it is not safe to reveal and have throughout a plethora of relationship styles (friend, lover, etc) lost my security in trusting.

So, due to my not having the insurance coverage, I was unable to see a therapist after leaving my abusive ex-husband.  I mean, I did have ways to cope and could have attended free support groups with other victims, beyond that of social media ones, but I did not.  It is true that I spent a good chunk of my younger days, twenty-six to thirty, in a myriad of therapy options so I had a good understanding of how to cope and care for myself.  So, with all that said, I imagined that I was doing quite well, in spite of it all.  

But, at the end of the day, I never truly grew, healed, or truly released myself from the past traumatic events.  I have lived as if the world around me and those I came into contact were still a constant threat.  I mean, yes there were certain element of healing through forgiving my past bullies but I never truly understood the extent the purpose of why I experienced all the abuse from so many different formats, why I chose to allow those individuals to hurt me the way they did or even why they chose to victimize me.  But, I'm starting to see clearly the answers therein.

Truth be told, because of this, I was and still can be quite reactive and defensive in the face of presumed threats to my security, both physically and emotionally.   Others that have not experienced the layers of abuse that I have experienced may have found this confusing, this over-reactions I have had at times.  For my part, I was constantly under the delusion that I was being taken advantage of and that ultimately I was not loved.

Although there have been some healing throughout the last several years, it wasn't until last December that the scales of hiding fell away from my eyes and I began to clearly see myself.   That was when I finally did a psychiatric intake for mental health counseling that I realized I still needed to work on my trauma issues. 

In reality, I used my abusive past as a crutch to hide, to run away from relationships, from getting to close to my friends.  I expected those that cared for me to hurt me so I made it so they did.  I never fully explained my reasoning, from the outside I can look fully sufficient, competent, and dare I say, happy.  For the most part, I am.  Through therapy, I have realized that it's not healthy to put up barriers and avoid certain places and people that I deem unsafe and threatening.  You mean, I could someday attend these places without feeling like I need to have an escape route at all times. 

This is still a novel concept as I have been living with the way of super-protective boundaries for almost a decade, if not longer, now.  And, its a daily norm for me that I run through the voices of my abusers' lies and tactics to destroy and keep me submissive. And sometimes try to talk back, defensive now when I couldn't speak up then as the victim.

This is all to say that my look at socializing or being with people has been altered. (And not just in the light of COVID-19 and all that implies either.)  When we do get around to opening our world again, my take on all that has transformed, evolved, if you will.

Yes, it is true that with the onset of starting my production company and still having to work several part-time survival gigs, and with balancing all of that, it gives me little time to unwind and relax.  I am a self professed, proud introvert, always have been and always will be.  I love more than anything being by myself and as I continually heal, I find more and more comfort being with me. 

Yes, I have to stay busy, I have to be productive or my life isn't worth anything, is a constant thread running through my mind.  I often have trouble watching a TV show or movie, because I feel guilty even doing that, relaxing by myself, at times.  

Also, due to the bullies of my past, I find myself feeling guilty if I decline to participate in their invites. Its not a personal attack or an insult to them, but more to myself, when I decline or not show up.   I recognize that it may appear that way but its due to my own feeling of not being safe that leaves me wanting to stay home.  But, because I believe that getting healthy requires me to be comfortable with myself and my decisions, I will not be afraid to set my boundaries and to say no when I cannot attend.  However, I will do my best to attend those I can and show support of my friends and colleagues. 

But, I must dig even deeper in my personal revelations here, showing why "I'm not networking anymore" as the title states.  Truth be told, when I wrote the first draft of this article, the following paragraphs were very accusatory, possibly insulting.  I stepped away from the computer, went on a walk, and realized that wasn't my intention.  As I grow healthier in my journey, I realize that the majority of the folks I come across are not narcissistic abusive types and in fact have their own pain that causes reactive outbursts and misunderstandings.  My intention in writing this is not to wound but to be authentic.  As I begin to release those toxic individuals who have abused me, even more so I must release those that do not willingly want to cause me harm.  And, thus I do.  We are all on the journey towards our own wholeness, a path that is truly singular to ourselves. At times, we may cross paths and help each other in a variety of ways.  Some may be a friend, others foe but regardless we learn and grow more fully into who we truly are.

That said, though, when I choose to accept an event from a friend, to a play, a party, or what have you, it will no longer be to play the game political of "quid pro quo, you scratch mine, I scratch yours, tit for tat", that is so insidious and present in the theater and film world.  I personally see that as inauthentic and detrimental to myself as a friend and artist.  I choose to attend to show my love and support of my friend, not for any gain of myself.  Because if I attend, it is with many an hour of fretting, concern for my emotional safety, planning my eventual release (ie, how long will I stay, etc), before I ever set foot in the door.  And, that said, if a person chooses not to attend an event of mine, I will not take it personal, nor shun them from my life or future events.  

No, I don't play those games and nor will I be bought. And, neither, dear ones, do you have to be bought by me.  My love remains, whether we remain side by side or our paths diverge, my love remains.  Circumstances change, life pushes us forward, but my love stays with you.  I am learning to expect no less for myself.

Furthermore, I am realizing that the power of forgiveness extends only so far.  Yes, I can forgive all that have wronged me, but I do not have to accept back into my life those that continue to inflict.  The most important key factor here is, I have a choice and so do you.  If your choice requires you to depart from me, my love remains as I have said and travels with you.  I see now that it is my decision to pursue the positive rather than dwell on the negative, thus by doing so the positive becomes abundant.  No, I do not want to exclude any dissension in my surroundings, but do expect complete honesty and, if needed, constructive criticism from my loved ones, still I choose that element that uplifts rather than tries to destroy.

Lastly, I do not seek an abundance of praise for my creative pursuits any longer.  I do hold gratitude in my heart with abundance of appreciation for those that give support and encouragement, as I give to them.  But, I realize now that its not in the quantity, but the quality.  Whether one person reads this blog or a hundred, the effect is still the same.  Did I enjoy the act of writing and creating? Did this creative endeavor bring me pleasure, make me smile, build me up in someway? If I can answer yes to that, I know that I am successful.  From that, I can see that those that are meant to read or view my creative outlets will be those that need and find the most value from it.  

Life is not about quantity, but quality.  I hope we all grow further into a deeper understanding of that reality.  

I have dreams, not that you're not lying

Next to me

I can sleep, I can rest in peace

I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails

I'm not burning up like I'm in hell

I can sleep

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6Wc1QICflo

Whether you are or disagree with the above writings, feel free to leave your comments below. I do read them and will respond! 

Also, The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a small business that seeks to bring awareness to a variety of social issues that will impact the world for the better.  Consider supporting us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions  And, thank you.