Yet Another Blog About PTSD

Sunday evening it happened again. 

I had an anxiety attack triggered by a traumatic occurrence; a reminder of abuse.  I spiraled, spiraled until I was unable to feel anything but the fear and sobbed.  All I could do was go home and retreat to my safe place.  Increasingly, in the last 7 years, I have retreated more and more from the world, actively choosing in a hyper-vigilant way my daily life activities based on what may impact my perceived physical and emotional wellbeing whether positive or negative, however slight or massive.

But, I'm getting ahead of myself.  I want to first start by showing the symptoms of PTSD, otherwise known as "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder". 

Taken from the website: https://blackbearrehab.com/mental-health/ptsd/signs-and-symptoms-of-ptsd/

Some of the most common symptoms of PTSD include the following:

• Intense feelings of distress when reminded of a tragic event
• Extreme physical reactions to reminders of trauma such as a nausea, sweating or a pounding heart
• Invasive, upsetting memories of a tragedy
• Flashbacks (feeling like the trauma is happening again)
• Nightmares of either frightening things or of the event
• Loss of interest in life and daily activities
• Feeling emotionally numb and detached from other people
• Sense of a not leading a normal life (not having a positive outlook of your future)
• Avoiding certain activities, feelings, thoughts or places that remind you of the tragedy
• Difficulty remembering important aspects of a tragic event

I don't want to unpack each of the symptoms listed above and how they are reflected in my life.  Nor do I want to re-hash the various causes of my PTSD, that runs the gamut from domestic violence at the hands of my spouse, religious trauma, toxic friendships, and even more.

This is not the time or place for me to openly detail the horrors of my past, but I must say that I frequently relive the horrific events of my past, the effects of which run through my mind like a depressing theatrical play bent on maintaining my belief in my unworth and lack of self confidence.  This leads to a wide plethora of the above symptoms such as loss of interest in life and activities I once enjoyed, otherwise known as a pervading depression that just has become my normal way of being, thus detaching from relationships and friends due to an overwhelming degree of lack of trust and belief that I will be hurt again, and an avoidance of certain activities and places due to my categorizations of "good" and "bad" people and places, or rather "safe" and "unsafe". 

All of this has led my life to become increasingly rigid with overly strict boundaries.  It is difficult for me to be as spontaneous as I once was, a fact that saddens me.  I once self-described myself to some degree, and I think my friends' would agree, as carefree and zestfully on the quest to find the comedic aspects of life and enjoy it to the highest possible degree.  Not so anymore.

Now, I plan any social events weeks in advance, often finding myself dreading the activity as the date grows closer, praying and hoping fervently that the plans will be postponed or, even better, cancelled. It is a frequent joke of comedians this idea  such as "Cancelled plans are like heroin" quips John Mulaney, but for me they are even more so, they are an active sigh of relief that I can retreat within to the safety of my own secure boundary of protection, no threat of harm when my world is increasingly enclosed.

And, in the moments when I cannot evade the panic attack of a ptsd triggered event?  It is just as mentioned above and more, the extreme physical reactions for me come out as increased breathing, sobbing, racing mind full of fear, and flight more often that fight.

Why am I sharing this today? Because it helps to share, to let my own darkness be dispelled by the light of truth.  For not living in the darkness and stepping into that truth is the truest pathway to peace and healing. 

Furthermore, as I step into this life as an entrepreneurial small business owner running an independent film production company, I ask myself, "what is my brand?"  For a good time, I could not answer the question or sought out arenas that felt not easy to articulate, let alone flourish.  Why? Because they were not truthful to me nor who I am. Then, finally the answer of my brand, my speciality for my business, came fluttering into my mind, with the realization of this blog and the notion of "Thriving Artist", as well as the Facebook group: Artist Thriving Network .  My brand is me, my story, my struggles to survive and even more so, to thrive.  It is in the openness to speak and share how I overcome that brings the most traction and connection.  So to, my mission in this brand is to help others to live in that light of truth by actively and boldly (despite the trepidation of their own fears) share their stories of learning to thrive through a variety of medium available to them afforded to them within the construct of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.

So, what do you think? Want to share your story? Comment below and I will respond.  Or email us at: cafegirlproductions@gmail.com

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions