A Letter To My Ex-Husband #intimatepartnerviolence #domesticabuse #survivortothriver

 

You held me down, but I got up (Hey!)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up (Hey!)

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

 Roar--Katy Perry

For My Ex-Husband,

I have seen you around town a couple times of recent, thus, I take it that you are now living here again.  Thus, it is vitally important that I express the truth of who I am and what you are to me now.

I am not who I was when I knew you before and during our marriage.  When we were together, you attempted to silence, nullify, control me.  In a blinding rage our of your sheer paranoia and low self esteem, you sought to undermine, use, and abuse.  All this, while I paid all the bills, kept the cabinets full of the food you requested, cooked, cleaned, tried my best to appease, console, your various medical complaints and concerns.  That's right, if you recall, I got you an MRI near Salem and took time off work to drive you there.  Yet, nothing ever was good enough.  The more I bent over backward, the more you raged on, blaming me for everything.  In the briefest of moments, you were the sweet man I fell in love with, suddenly sharply turning into the darkest of nightmares, feeling emotionally trapped akin to the time you physically pinned me against the wall screaming over me whilst I sobbed.

Yeah, that's the truth of it.  No matter how you try to lie it away, deceiving others, placing the blame on myself and others continuously, that won't work for me anymore.

After I, sobbing, kicked you out of my life, that fateful Oscar Sunday 2013, tears streaming down my face, on our doorstep, then a few days later, filed a restraining order, my life has continued upwards, despite minor setbacks of other emotional abuse.  . 

We'd always go into it blindly

I needed to lose you to find me

This dancing was killing me softly

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

For the last ten years and counting, I live with the most loyal, sympathetic, and lovingly patient life partner.  He has his share of struggles but he makes up for it in his willingness to grow, evolve, and I love him for that.  A few years ago, we came to a dark impasse in our relationship, which almost broke us, but a depth of love beckoned us to continue, to help each other heal, to listen, to hold, to grow, to evolve.  We have two adorable kitty cats, a beautiful home with an outstanding view many remark upon and I never tire of, and a wonderful community of creative and supportive friends, a chosen family.  

I have an amazing sporty, safe, little red Chevrolet sonic, as well as a little Kia Rio.  I have an active garden where I harvest food from the land.  

Since 2016, I have evolved from 'just' an actress to life as an indie film-maker and together with some beautiful friends have created a wide body of work, available far and wide, for viewing, including the story I talked about when we were together.  The character from that story, Jane, then Romana, helped me awaken, lost girl no more.  In addition, I have been actively a part of many theatre and film productions across Northern California and throughout Oregon.  I have made a very successful and budding career as a professional art model.  I could go on...

But, what I want to express is this, not only have I achieved my dreams, I have gone beyond all that I could ever imagine possible.  I have found my inner strength, purpose, and peace.  I know now completely I am worthy of love, of all types, that I am worthy of the positive loyal friends who have stood by me, walked with me, throughout all the highs and lows, whose presence is a reminder of that love, of never giving up.  No longer do I awake with night terrors, no more do I feel the need to look over my shoulder when going about my life, no more do I shudder when a door, a cabinet is closed a little too hard, or when a glass is accidentally broken.

I mean...I have changed so much, I am wiccan now...I've been on stage across this valley, I've been in films across this state, I am a youtuber now, I have a podcast, I'm an art model...what have they (you) done with their(your) lives(life)?--Alina from Real

At present, I am finally birthing the story of 'our time' together, a long sought hopeful intention.  But, this story is not for you, nor is it truly your story.  This is my story, for me, as well as for others that you both directly and inadvertently abused and thus continue to do.  This story is for them, for others in the world who have experienced love, heartbreak, abuse, and found themselves, and for me.  The lessons learned for me are just that, through the heartbreak, the abuse, I found love of myself, love from others, and the strength of will to persevere. No longer a survivor, a thriver.

Like Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz, I prevail, standing up against the abuser, liquifying their resolve, for my personal best and that of others. I will never fail to do just that, for my own good and for the benefit of society.

In therapy, I am working through my trauma, from you as well as others, to unlearn the lies you sought to wound with, to heal so that you, or any other abuser, will not live rent-free within my mind any longer.  Nor will the lies you screamed over me.  You don't deserve the time of anguish and anxiety any longer.  I am working so that when I see you again, you will no longer be an ongoing concern to me, no longer cause a fear reaction causing momentarily inaction.  No, I am working so that you will no longer exist to me.  Sure, I hold a space of love for you somewhere far away in a distant past, long ago, at that café, but that is all you will ever be.  Others from that time of life, I will always willingly make time for, re-connect with tenderness of love and gratitude.

Yet, you are not deserving of that treatment.  One who sought to destroy could not, did not, and will never. 

I have dreams, now that you're not lying
Next to me
I can sleep, I can rest in peace
I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails
I'm not burning up like I'm in hell
I can sleep
Now that I don't have you

Now that I don't have you
Maybe someday I'll love as others do
And wake up one morning to skies of blue
But I won't be with you

Now That I Don't Have You --Jill Sobule

You Can Leave CW: #domesticviolence #intimatepartnerviolence #dv #ipv

"If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, YOU CAN LEAVE, no matter what your abuser says or does, YOU CAN LEAVE".

So, that's out of the way.  Let's talk about abuse, how it looks, how it happens, and how the abused can leave.  First, let's understand that all genders can be both abuser and abused.   I have known many a male that has come out of an abusive relationship as female, I support and applaud each for taking the steps needed for their freedom and recovery.  Second, the word used for 'abuser' is often simplified to "narcissist" or merely "narc".  This word comes from the official diagnosis of "narcissistic personality disorder" and is often misunderstood.  This word is thrown around even when a person does something that may seem to the outside as egoistical.  Rather the clinical definition of "narcissistic personality disorder is as follows: "is a personality disorder characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration and a delusional sense of status, diminished ability or unwillingness to empathize with others' feelings, and interpersonally exploitative behavior. Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the sub-types of the broader category known as personality disorders.  It is often comorbid with other mental disorders and associated with significant functional impairment and psychosocial disability."  Using the word "narcissist" or "narc" can both oversimplify or vilify the abuser.  That said, there are other reasons why a person can be an abuser ranging from such diagnoses as Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopath) to Psychopath to the aforementioned Narcissistic Personality Disorder down the line to an addiction problem and/or yet untreated mental and emotional disorders.  For myself personally, I have had a myriad of types of abuser from former partners to friends to bosses with a mixture of reasoning or diagnoses as to why they abuse, such as mental disorders like schizophrenia, drug addiction, and, yes, NPD.  Notably, I myself have been an abuser and know personally that it be a result of my mental health diagnoses of Bipolar and CPTSD.  Finally, I want to make it clear that I am not a certified therapist or psychiatrist so cannot officially diagnosis, thus for my part and for the purposes of this article, I use the word "abuser" no matter the reasoning.  In the end, the reasoning or diagnosis of abuser does not matter, only that the abused admit the crime afflicted upon them, realize their need to separate, and the actions done to be free.

Thus, we began.  Again:

"If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, YOU CAN LEAVE, no matter what your abuser says or does, YOU CAN LEAVE".

Maybe as you read this, you are still doubting whether you are in some form of relationship with abuser, you feel a sense of shame to admit, or may have no idea what you would do upon leaving or even how to do such.  The years of targeted abuse dealt upon you most likely has broken down your self esteem to such that there is an inability to see clearly.  For your benefit, let's lay out the tactics an abuser uses to control, manipulate, dominate.  

The first stage of an abusive relationship begins with love bombing wherein the abuser finds their next victim and overwhelms them with praise, adulation, and love.  The victim is made to feel special, as if they are the one that the abuser has been waiting for, the fairy tale romance.  At this stage, although red flags may be present, it is difficult for the victim to see otherwise, no matter how an outsider may try.  Once locked in, the abuser can begin their stages of control, thus becoming Jekyll & Hyde in their interactions.  They can be both abuser and victim, blaming you for their anger and insults.  Almost immediately, they can be once again the sweet and loving person you met, only to have that shift again.  Gaslighting is the act of causing you to question and doubt your words, your actions, your perceptions, your very self.  They will tell you something, then deny saying it, they will hide something and ask where you put it, they will tell you to do something, then ask why you did it, all examples but there are other ways as well.  Their overall goal is to break down your will so you do not question, you do not retaliate, they have total control of which they celebrate.  Often these tactics, among others, are used as precursors of any physical violence as well continued to use alongside.  

(This article references 'sociopath' but I feel the tactics described can be used for any type of abuser: https://www.yourtango.com/2018309953/love-bombing-gaslighting-8-more-warning-signs-sociopath).   (Another useful article for more information: https://beckysfund.org/ghosting-benching-gaslighting-lovebombing-tactics-emotional-abuse/). 

While in the relationship, the abuse may follow certain stages, however, not always in this order and at times there may be overlap.  The honeymoon or calm phase may suddenly shift to a building up of tension erupting into explosion followed by the feelings of remorse, then back to the honeymoon.  Does this spark a feeling of familiarity to your own life?  

In addition, as shown above, there are types of abuse, physical to financial and a myriad in between, that can be used solely or be combined, which is often the case.  Remember, the goal of the abuser is to control and all means will be taken to do such.  (For further information on types of abuse: http://www.choicesandavoice.org/blog/9-types-of-abusers-many-abusers-fit-into-more-than-one-category). 

Perhaps now you see yourself and your abuser in the above paragraphs and are questioning how "you can leave".  No doubt, your abuser has slung words of hate at you about what would happen should you attempt to leave.  From my past abusers, I was told such phrases as "No one will ever love you like me" to simply "You can't leave".  Do these sound familiar?  Perhaps your abuser has declared that they will make your life a miserable hell if you attempt to depart, so afraid are they of losing control.  They may have tried to question how exactly you would even live successfully without them.  What it all comes back to, aren't you in enough hell with them?  As an experienced abuse survivor, now thriver, I can tell you any hell you may experience without is by far better than any hell within.  Thus, the reality is, no matter what they say, you can leave, you can survive, you can thrive.

It is important to note that they will do several abusive tactics once you have removed yourself, with the attempt to gain control again.  At first, they may appear to discard you hoping their loss from your life will bring you back.  If this is not successful, they will hoover, like a vacuum, returning to your life doing what they can to suck you back to their control.  If neither of this works, I applaud you, but beware the "flying monkeys", those friends of theirs that will fly about you in aid of your abuser to confuse or undermine your beliefs about the abuse that occurred.  If at all possible, you may have to completely disengage and apply "NO CONTACT" furthermore.  In the event this not possible, due to children or during the divorce proceedings, do what you can legally and personally to protect yourself from your abuser's further targets.

"If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, YOU CAN LEAVE, no matter what your abuser says or does, YOU CAN LEAVE".

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

https://www.wikihow.com/Leave-an-Abusive-Relationship

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard, Part One: My Thoughts TW: domestic abuse, Intimate Partner Violence

 

You are not alone, your abuse is real, you do not deserve to live this way, you have done nothing wrong. 

Because Of You

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Yesterday, June 1st, 2022, was a day of victory not just for Johnny Depp, but for all victims of intimate partner violence/domestic abuse, specifically that of cis-male survivors perpetrated by their cis-female counterparts. 

By now, I have shared numerous times that I am a victim of IPV, specifically from my ex-husband, but also from previous romantic entanglements as well as, some degree, family, friends, colleagues, and church.  The degree of which occurred in my relations pertaining to my abusers is not what I want to further share at this moment, have in the past, but don't dwell on or over-share because it's not what defines me.  However, I do feel it significant that I accept my past history in order to be an authentic outspoken advocate for domestic abuse as well as a support of those also suffering so that they can reclaim.  With that, I have an active facebook group, Survivors Of Emotional Abuse, with group members of all genders have come together to share and support one another in their journeys towards healing.  (I also have a group pertaining towards spiritual abuse for similar purposes.)  Through these conversations and connections, I have been able to witness firsthand the stigma and invalidation cis-male victims of female perpetrators have experienced once leaving the relationship.  The disbelief that a cis-male could be the victim in a domestic abuse relationship is difficult to perceive and therefore discredited.  More often than not, the woman perpetrator proclaims herself the victim, and as we have seen with  Amber Heard, society, in general, believes her and vilifies the male victim.  

As seen in the chart above, the percentage of male victims who have reported their abuse is lower than female victims.  However, this does not mean that women are abused more often than males, rather, this reflects what has been reported.  

Long before the abuse becomes physical, many other tactics are implemented to control, subdue, dominate, as well, there is a cycle to the abuse: tension building, violence, honeymoon, finally, calm.

In each phase, the abuser uses the tactics described above as a means to ensnare and keep their victim hostage.  During the honeymoon and calm phase, the victim is expected to forget the abuse and forgive, thus done, the abuser once again has the power and the cycle continues.  

As seen in the chart above, the prevalence of abuse used from cis-female to cis-male appears to be higher in the non-physical in a variety of ways than physical.  This facet has been shared with me by my cis-male friends that have experienced domestic violence from their cis-female partner or spouse.  However, this does not signify that cis-female to cis-male is never physical, but may be demonstrated in different ways than in cis-male to cis-female.  As we have seen documented in the case of Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard, there were elements of physical abuse used throughout the tactics of manipulation.  

TW: All the Times Amber Heard Admits to Violence / Hitting Johnny Depp Audio Recordings

The reasoning behind abuse often given is that the perpetrator wants to hold power and dominance over their victim.  This week I read an article by a woman claiming that Johnny Depp could not be the victim because his older age and role in society puts him in a higher place of dominance than Amber Heard.  Evidence shared during the trial proves otherwise as well as Johnny Depp's re-telling of his history of violence perpetrated by his own mother.  (Johnny Depp reveals childhood abuse from ‘violent’ and ‘cruel’ mother and says drug-taking was to ‘numb feelings’)  In addition, a person's status in society may not resemble how they interact and behave within the confines of private relationship.  The reality of past trauma, possibly not dealt with, affects how a person reacts to current relationship instability leading them to become the submissive, fearful victim.  

In conclusion, I do not believe that Amber Heard set the #MeToo Movement back, however, I believe Johnny Depp brought it forward by revealing to the world that cis-males, "Men" too can be victims of intimate partner violence.  That said, if you are a cis-male victim and believe you are an IPV victim, here is a resource: https://www.facebook.com/mentoomovement/

You are not alone, your abuse is real, you do not deserve to live this way, you have done nothing wrong. 

Breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part Two. TW: Domestic Violence

Part Two: Kim Kardashian and Domestic Abuse

My last entry on this story was based purely on the side from Kanye West's viewpoint as a person living with Bipolar.  However, today I want focus on the nature of how mental illness can bleed over into domestic abuse and intimate partner violence.  Presently, we are now seeing the Kanye West commit domestic abuse against his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian.

As I have been pondering the words to write this entry, I've been thinking over my past history with domestic abuse and intimate partner violence, mainly coming from that of my ex-husband, of who I was married to for two years, together for three.  My husband's rage over me, pinning me into a corner and screaming absurd accusations, throwing various items in my direction, including a telephone book that left a bruise upon my leg, circulated around his undiagnosed schizophrenia.  For years, especially during the marriage, I used that as an excuse for the abuse he perpetrated.  It was only in recently, some ten plus years since we divorced, that I can recognize that the domestic abuse stands on its own and is not made right because of his mental illness. 

Abuse is abuse, no matter the means. 

As I have been writing this, I have been scouring over the internet looking at photos of Kim Kardashian with her aforementioned ex-husband, in times of supposed "wedded bliss".  I have been thinking of past interviews she did and public posts, seemingly trying to support him and explain away his rampages as part of his mental illness, expressing his 'genius' in relation to his suffering.  At times, even when she was in the cross-fire of his social media rants, she stood by him, while seeking out ways to get him some psychiatric, emergency treatment.  

Now, I much express that I haven't paid much attention to Kim Kardashian or the world that surrounds her.  I think I have watched a bit of Keeping Up With The Kardashians once, for a few minutes only.  Looking at the photos of the two of them, they begin to tell a different story in light of recent affairs; there is a tension, forcing a sense of togetherness and marital bliss, yet the body language expresses a different, inner reality. In recent years, as Kanye West's bipolar mood swings seem to be overflowing increasingly in the public eye, I have felt much empathy for the suffering and concern that must plague her.  

She, like me with my husband, tried to stand by, support, and find ways to get him the help he needed.  

As we reflect upon the rants Kanye is currently spewing forth on social media, we are now visually seeing proof of domestic violence towards his former wife.  For me, that gives me pause to reflect and ponder.

In past years, Kanye has chosen his targets outwardly towards a variety of people, such as Taylor Swift, in a roundabout fashion.  Up until recently, we haven't seen much instances of his turning on Kim herself.  But I wonder...

Trevor Noah on Kim & Kanye

I conjecture that, at times, when he wasn't on the rampage towards someone else, if he turned that vitriol, that paranoia, that bipolar rage, on his wife, and that in actual verbal rants.  Possibly more, I cannot really say.  The times when the abuse was outwardly focused, when Kim felt more like an ally than an enemy, perhaps that was a brief moment of reprieve for her.  The reality is, abuse is abuse whatever the form and most often physical is the final result of days upon days, months upon months, years upon years of the victim being broken down with verbal insults, manipulations, gas-lighting, and other emotional and mental abuse tactics.  

Kim stood by him, explaining his actions away as related to his mental illness, until she, for the safety of herself and her family, no longer could.  Until his rages and accusations on her from Wyoming a couple years back, most likely, forced her to see how unsafe she was, that whatever the root cause, abuse is abuse and this marriage was no longer a healthy partnership.

A few days ago, in preparation for this entry, I was reading an article about Kim's appearance on Ellen promoting her new reality series.  The article was detailing how Ellen and others were remarking on how happier and at peace she seemed, commenting that Pete Davidson must be good for her.  That may be, Pete seems like a stand-up guy who is radically transparent on his journey with his own demons through his art and comedy, but I would go further that Kim's new found peace and joy comes from doing what was right for herself, her family, from standing up for herself and removing a toxic element, finally, being able to find the freedom and spaciousness to truly "Begin Again"

If you or someone you love is in a situation of domestic violence and intimate partner violence, please contact: National Domestic Violence Hotline

.

 

Pondering Gabby **Content Warning: Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence**

 

This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

Absolutely(Story Of A Girl)

Over the last several weeks, like the rest of America, I have been enthralled with the case of lost girl, Gabby Petito and her fiance', Brian Laundrie.  I have restrained myself from commenting, from making assumptions about what happened and why, merely for my own safety and sanity, because I was afraid to look back, remember, and reveal to myself and others just what I experienced specifically in intimate partner violence, as a survivor of domestic abuse.  In truth that has become a label that I carry with me as a token of understanding and solidarity with the wonderful friends I have connected with in my journey of healing, however, rarely do I take the time to truly remember the nightmare itself.  

Looking at the above picture these last few weeks have left me feeling stymied, as I know truly and personally the overwhelming craziness of which Gabby is in in that specific moment.  I have sought to block it out, to not think about it.  In truth, I thought of posting another photo of her, one of a happier moment, in fact, throughout this entry, I shall scatter a couple throughout of happier moments of Gabby, but I needed to post the above as the entry photo because I, personally, needed to look, to remind, to recall, and in that, to continue my healing journey, see the vastness of strength of myself and others who are victims of DV, feel gratitude for their companionship and support, and, finally,  help others.

I married him in 2011, he came back into my life in a whirlwind in 2010, I met him in 2003 at a small and infamous to my heart, cafe in my college town, wherein I spent a year with him and several other ragtag friends being young, carefree, exploring the far regions of our souls together.  He, not knowing what the hard reality of my battle with mental illness I had been through the years we were apart, the heartbreak of losing my youthful hope and idealism shattered with the truth of my dysfunction, and he, never keeping his own demons very much a secret yet only revealing that which he could use for a tool of manipulation, came back into my life in full force of love-bombing.  Although I had learned a lot in those early days of my recovery, I still had a journey to come in dealing with my issues related to traumatic abuse throughout my life, relationship addiction, and such still, at 30, romanticized love as the end-all be all, the American Dream of the Hollywood and Disney combined, to rescue me out of my darkness.

Our relationship lasted for just under a year before we decided to get married during which we spent much of it long distance, I was swept away by the idealistic love story, the one I believed him to be, us reuniting after several years of distance.  The first few months of our marriage seemed to be awash in wedded bliss of the newly married.  All things seemed to abruptly change, almost over night, in August of 2011, when after due to his paranoid delusions of undiagnosed and untreated possible schizophrenia, he had been convincing me that the world as we knew it was set to end on August 2 with a full government take-over.  And I, having spent the last several years in a fundamentalist Christian church that heavily taught the end times theology, was easily deceived.  But, when I woke up on August 2nd, ready to see what happened, with nothing occuring, I questioned him about this.  He, being caught in his own lie, used the tactic of gas-lighting to say, "I said it might, it might, I didn't say it actually would".  (A side note: he was completely convinced it was to happen.)  Thus, my first step in not believing him, that reality of what really happened or did not happen, on August 2, 2011, was the moment when the magic ended and the darker side of his persona was finally revealed.  (In a way, that day in August, a month I have had bad memories with, was my first step away from toxicity, a first alarm attempting to wake me up.)

It is important to note that domestic violence and abuse comes in a myriad of forms, not just singular to that of physical violence or even intimate partner.  Furthermore, it is a cold reality that women are not always the victim and men the abuser, it is at times the other way around yet it appears differently and male victims have a much harder time proving their abuse.  In addition, abusers can be from all forms of life, for my part, I have experienced abuse from church leaders, colleagues, friends, lovers, and more.  Today, though, in pondering Gabby, I wish to reflect upon the horrors I experienced while marriage, though I must admit that my ex-husband was not the only abusive partner I have experienced in my past.

After that fateful August 2nd, the abusive control steadily ramped up.  There were long days wherein he yelled at me for hours, accusing me of such atrocities like poisoning him, of being incapable, of being crazy.  These days I would sit frozen while his anger showered over me, cowering against the wall, sobbing for him to 'please stop', evading the various objects he threw about.  And, finally, as hours past, I was weakened to the place of complete passivity, he would hold my hand as we sat outside, him smoking, me feeling as if I was more at fault than I was for the days long rampage.  Other times, I would watch him sit, days and nights on end, barely moving to shower or eat, at his computer, diligently working on some random project or scouring the internet over and over for proof of his conspiracy which only ramped up the flood of abuse he would rage against me and others.  Moments of bliss were few and far between, and sadly at times, I reveled when he turned his rage against another, those times were rare but I was then his allie again, his support against the world, a reminder of what our love and promises we had shared in happier times, times of ignorant bliss.  There were times too still and all too quiet, the energy in the house so thick with the waiting...times when in discussion he would calmly state, "when I yell at you," as if it was just normal, once again something I had caused.  The happier times grew fewer and farther between.  Unlike Gabby, I, thankfully,did not have much physical abuse, if you don't count the times he threw items at me that caused bruising, both physical and emotional, although it was quickly increasing towards that.  I have a memory of him yelling at me in the kitchen, I turned around, and a hand fell hard on my back, I turned back to him and demanded to know what was that, he frightened claimed his hand just slipped...a time when his back to our room-mate, my reaching for him in tears over the loss of my grandfather, he pretending as if he lost his balance stumbling back but swiping his hand near me barely missing, yet somehow it looked as if I had pushed him...him pinning me down on the bed claiming that my comfort towards him was suffocating and thus he had to show me...then me, running to my neighbor's house, seemingly day or night, fleeing from him but seeing him stalking by out the window while I sobbed inside...him blaming me completely for his cat's death...I could go on...

The nights after I had kicked him out, my poor room-mate (not the same one mentioned previous) would often comfort me from nightmares where I would scream or cry out in my sleep, "it's okay," she would whisper, gently reaching over and touching my arm.  

All this is very real demonstration of the manipulative tactics I have experienced from my ex-husband as well as the myriad of other abusers who have come into my life.  I wonder if they study these or if its just a fact of their brain and thus psychologists have come up with these based on studies.   Nevertheless, each of these I have experienced in my marriage and in the variety of other relationships.   

Gas-lighting: This is a type of emotional abuse wherein an abuser lies or downplays the impact of an event or something they say. It could include phrases like “It’s not that bad” or “you’re over-reacting” or even, “I never said that”. All of this can create doubt in your mind, and the end goal is to ensure that you’re the “crazy” one for ever questioning his behaviour.

Isolation: Not only controlling where you goes and who you talks to, but controlling what you read, listen too, and watch on TV or online.
Over-Protection: Like refusing to let you go anywhere or do certain things because he’s “worried” for your safety.
Blaming Others: This is a classic abuse tactic. Perpetrators rarely take responsibility for their actions – often placing the blame on you for causing the way they acted.
Separation Abuse: This could include forms of stalking, especially after the relationship has ended. The perpetrator will continually send flowers, gifts, or other trinkets, which shows that he can always find her. This can be a particularly effective tactic, because from the outside, the gestures seem kind and caring.
Manipulation of Social Systems: Such as court systems or CAS. This is a way of wielding systemic power over you, and the consequences are dire (such as custody of children).
Emotional Manipulation: Being on a “roller-coaster” emotionally with him. One moment he’s loving, kind and caring; the next he’s angry and aggressive. Women often say they feel like their “walking on eggshells” in their own home, to keep from trying to set off the abuser. This could also include things like degradation and undercutting your achievements, making you feel bad about yourself.
Threats: Making threats to harm your family, friends, and pets (this is extremely common, and is a huge barrier for women trying to leave the relationship).
Financial Abuse: Making sure you have zero control, knowledge or access to finances. Also a large barrier for women leaving the relationship. Often women must choose to stay, and live in violence, or leave and live in poverty.
Cyber Abuse and Cyber Stalking: This is such a wide topic, and has many different ways of appearing. It can include things like abusers posting your personal information online (address, phone number, etc), spreading rumours or photos, creating fake email addresses so you can’t block him, etc. All of these tactics are designed to humiliate, as well as take away your sense of security and privacy. Cyber abuse can also include hacking, stealing passwords, reading emails, forcing her to be available to him at all times, telling her who she can and can’t interact with through social media. (https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/cyber-bullying ) It’s important to know that it’s impossible to keep yourself safe online. However, there are some things you can do to mitigate risk. If you are experiencing any of these types of abuse, please give us a call and we’ll support you in whatever way you need.

Taken from the website article: https://wrrcsa.org/education/how-to-hide-your-tracks-online/

Several of these, such as gas-lighting, isolation, blaming, and emotional manipulation, my ex-husband used to control me. Others have been used to some degree in other abusive relationships. Admittedly, I do see these used in Gabby's relationship with her abuser, most notably is that of isolation, continuously separating her from her loved ones whether it be to Florida or the van life. The saddest thing to note in this is that Gabby never got herself out, she never escaped. She will never know the true joy in life of healing from such horror, seeing the beauty of life in the simplicity of every day, of the connections made through the recovery journey through facebook and social media groups, connections with those walking the path out, and, for me, the dear sweet connection I have with my friend, my co-ex-wife (my partner's first wife), and his ex-girlfriend. There is such power in connecting with someone who knows almost completely what you experienced.

In the last few weeks I have been thinking upon my journey out of domestic abuse and that of those who have recovered with me and helped in my healing process. I have thought about my co-ex-wife and how she was of the same age range Gabby was when she got away from our mutual ex-husband. I think about the reasons she was able to do so was that she had this great source of love given to her by those around that developed in her an inner strength and resolve that helped her break free, and still does to this day. Not just her, but many, at whatever age that have broken free from the confines of abuse whatever it may be, it's the real love that may not be readily seen that provides the strength to be free. It's with such sadness that Gabby was never able to realize that and her death brings to mind the truth that myself, my co-ex-wife, my mutual ex-boyfriend friend, the many others who I have met through social media support groups, and so many could suffer the similar fate of Gabby Petito.

Upon writing this, I ask myself, why? why was I freed when she was not? Whatever you believe about life and what comes next, one source of some comfort comes in the notion that we choose a soul contract, a purpose for this life. I look at my relationship with my ex-husband beginning with our wild days at the cafe along side some other dear souls, including that of my other crush, the red-headed barista. At that time, I almost chose to go down the path of romance with the barista and often ponder how my life would have differed if I had. But I believe that my soul had a contract with my ex-husband, that his demons were refuge for me to hide from my own, and by being united with him for a time, I was able to discover that which I was afraid to look at and find the strength to heal and break free. It is only now that my light shines bright after years and years of recovery from trauma (with more to follow) that I am able to sit with the light of the red-head, to be able to explore those feelings I ran from for so long, in this little poly hinge triad situation we find ourselves within. What is the soul contract I have with him is something far more positive than the ex-husband and yet still to be known.

It was with that that perhaps Gabby had a soul contract alongside her fiance' to be a source of awakening, a chain breaker, an alarm clock finally ringing.  It is my hope that her life and the bright light she shone forth will not be in vain, that she will raise awareness for the many other women, men, and children gone missing in that region and beyond, as well she will become the face of domestic violence awareness, perhaps helping someone trapped in a similar relationship see that what occured for Gabby is highly probable for them.  

Let It Be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

National Domestic Violence Hotline

National Missing & Unidentified Persons System

https://gabbypetitofoundation.org/

I'm not networking anymore!

Yesterday I had a post traumatic stress break, like an anxiety attack but so much worse. 

I know that I have mentioned before somewhat about my abusive past, but always with certain limitations.  In truth, I haven't really dealt with the inner issues and fall-out since I left my abusive ex-husband in 2013, and slowly realized the extent of all the abusive types I had allowed into my life since childhood, from friends, spiritual teachers, and boyfriends alike.  I imagined that if I forgave the abuser, not forgotten, that I had learned my lesson and could truly move forward.  But, there is a difference between moving forward and being healed.  Because moving forward can become akin to busyness, to forget, nullify, and distract. 

It has come to my attention these last several months that I have not truly overcome my post traumatic issues and, in fact, have learned that I am one that buries deep my feelings to run from, distract, avoid and can seem aloof to others.  Although I am indeed a deeply compassionate person with a ton of emotions right at the surface, my past traumatic experiences have taught me that it is not safe to reveal and have throughout a plethora of relationship styles (friend, lover, etc) lost my security in trusting.

So, due to my not having the insurance coverage, I was unable to see a therapist after leaving my abusive ex-husband.  I mean, I did have ways to cope and could have attended free support groups with other victims, beyond that of social media ones, but I did not.  It is true that I spent a good chunk of my younger days, twenty-six to thirty, in a myriad of therapy options so I had a good understanding of how to cope and care for myself.  So, with all that said, I imagined that I was doing quite well, in spite of it all.  

But, at the end of the day, I never truly grew, healed, or truly released myself from the past traumatic events.  I have lived as if the world around me and those I came into contact were still a constant threat.  I mean, yes there were certain element of healing through forgiving my past bullies but I never truly understood the extent the purpose of why I experienced all the abuse from so many different formats, why I chose to allow those individuals to hurt me the way they did or even why they chose to victimize me.  But, I'm starting to see clearly the answers therein.

Truth be told, because of this, I was and still can be quite reactive and defensive in the face of presumed threats to my security, both physically and emotionally.   Others that have not experienced the layers of abuse that I have experienced may have found this confusing, this over-reactions I have had at times.  For my part, I was constantly under the delusion that I was being taken advantage of and that ultimately I was not loved.

Although there have been some healing throughout the last several years, it wasn't until last December that the scales of hiding fell away from my eyes and I began to clearly see myself.   That was when I finally did a psychiatric intake for mental health counseling that I realized I still needed to work on my trauma issues. 

In reality, I used my abusive past as a crutch to hide, to run away from relationships, from getting to close to my friends.  I expected those that cared for me to hurt me so I made it so they did.  I never fully explained my reasoning, from the outside I can look fully sufficient, competent, and dare I say, happy.  For the most part, I am.  Through therapy, I have realized that it's not healthy to put up barriers and avoid certain places and people that I deem unsafe and threatening.  You mean, I could someday attend these places without feeling like I need to have an escape route at all times. 

This is still a novel concept as I have been living with the way of super-protective boundaries for almost a decade, if not longer, now.  And, its a daily norm for me that I run through the voices of my abusers' lies and tactics to destroy and keep me submissive. And sometimes try to talk back, defensive now when I couldn't speak up then as the victim.

This is all to say that my look at socializing or being with people has been altered. (And not just in the light of COVID-19 and all that implies either.)  When we do get around to opening our world again, my take on all that has transformed, evolved, if you will.

Yes, it is true that with the onset of starting my production company and still having to work several part-time survival gigs, and with balancing all of that, it gives me little time to unwind and relax.  I am a self professed, proud introvert, always have been and always will be.  I love more than anything being by myself and as I continually heal, I find more and more comfort being with me. 

Yes, I have to stay busy, I have to be productive or my life isn't worth anything, is a constant thread running through my mind.  I often have trouble watching a TV show or movie, because I feel guilty even doing that, relaxing by myself, at times.  

Also, due to the bullies of my past, I find myself feeling guilty if I decline to participate in their invites. Its not a personal attack or an insult to them, but more to myself, when I decline or not show up.   I recognize that it may appear that way but its due to my own feeling of not being safe that leaves me wanting to stay home.  But, because I believe that getting healthy requires me to be comfortable with myself and my decisions, I will not be afraid to set my boundaries and to say no when I cannot attend.  However, I will do my best to attend those I can and show support of my friends and colleagues. 

But, I must dig even deeper in my personal revelations here, showing why "I'm not networking anymore" as the title states.  Truth be told, when I wrote the first draft of this article, the following paragraphs were very accusatory, possibly insulting.  I stepped away from the computer, went on a walk, and realized that wasn't my intention.  As I grow healthier in my journey, I realize that the majority of the folks I come across are not narcissistic abusive types and in fact have their own pain that causes reactive outbursts and misunderstandings.  My intention in writing this is not to wound but to be authentic.  As I begin to release those toxic individuals who have abused me, even more so I must release those that do not willingly want to cause me harm.  And, thus I do.  We are all on the journey towards our own wholeness, a path that is truly singular to ourselves. At times, we may cross paths and help each other in a variety of ways.  Some may be a friend, others foe but regardless we learn and grow more fully into who we truly are.

That said, though, when I choose to accept an event from a friend, to a play, a party, or what have you, it will no longer be to play the game political of "quid pro quo, you scratch mine, I scratch yours, tit for tat", that is so insidious and present in the theater and film world.  I personally see that as inauthentic and detrimental to myself as a friend and artist.  I choose to attend to show my love and support of my friend, not for any gain of myself.  Because if I attend, it is with many an hour of fretting, concern for my emotional safety, planning my eventual release (ie, how long will I stay, etc), before I ever set foot in the door.  And, that said, if a person chooses not to attend an event of mine, I will not take it personal, nor shun them from my life or future events.  

No, I don't play those games and nor will I be bought. And, neither, dear ones, do you have to be bought by me.  My love remains, whether we remain side by side or our paths diverge, my love remains.  Circumstances change, life pushes us forward, but my love stays with you.  I am learning to expect no less for myself.

Furthermore, I am realizing that the power of forgiveness extends only so far.  Yes, I can forgive all that have wronged me, but I do not have to accept back into my life those that continue to inflict.  The most important key factor here is, I have a choice and so do you.  If your choice requires you to depart from me, my love remains as I have said and travels with you.  I see now that it is my decision to pursue the positive rather than dwell on the negative, thus by doing so the positive becomes abundant.  No, I do not want to exclude any dissension in my surroundings, but do expect complete honesty and, if needed, constructive criticism from my loved ones, still I choose that element that uplifts rather than tries to destroy.

Lastly, I do not seek an abundance of praise for my creative pursuits any longer.  I do hold gratitude in my heart with abundance of appreciation for those that give support and encouragement, as I give to them.  But, I realize now that its not in the quantity, but the quality.  Whether one person reads this blog or a hundred, the effect is still the same.  Did I enjoy the act of writing and creating? Did this creative endeavor bring me pleasure, make me smile, build me up in someway? If I can answer yes to that, I know that I am successful.  From that, I can see that those that are meant to read or view my creative outlets will be those that need and find the most value from it.  

Life is not about quantity, but quality.  I hope we all grow further into a deeper understanding of that reality.  

I have dreams, not that you're not lying

Next to me

I can sleep, I can rest in peace

I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails

I'm not burning up like I'm in hell

I can sleep

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6Wc1QICflo

Whether you are or disagree with the above writings, feel free to leave your comments below. I do read them and will respond! 

Also, The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a small business that seeks to bring awareness to a variety of social issues that will impact the world for the better.  Consider supporting us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions  And, thank you. 

My Version of "#MeToo"

As long as I have been alive, I have faced a great deal of sexism and abuse, mostly emotional, from the opposite sex (and sometimes the same sex) with the attempts to silence, subdue, and cause me to become submissive.  For a good part of my life, I accepted these abusive influences as truthful fact and went along with their control in an attempt to not rock the boat and to just get along.  I never rose my voice and if I ever did I faced some form of punishment.  This form of sexist abuse came from many a source; boyfriends, male employees and bosses, my husband, and a smattering of church issues.  Whatever the reason or root cause, each individual and organization was bent on enforcing the common societal belief of patriarchal rule, or at leat wanting to maintain it.

The overwhelming inner reality and truth was that I was not happy, not being truthful with myself, my desires, needs, and ambitions.  Thus follows, my story of how I overcame this systematic social abuse and reclaimed my life and self worth, my version of "#MeToo".

The first recollection I have of any sort of sexual assault, if it were, was my freshmen year of high school.  I am riding home on the boss, the last of two students.  Behind me sits a sophomore boy, who was always believed to have come from some kind of  of negative influence.  He was often seemingly dirty,  not showered, clothes not laundered, hair and beard unkempt, with just an overall sense of anger and unhappiness, a disregard.

On this day, he is sitting kitty corner and a seat down.  As we near my stop, he says to me, "Hey."  I glance back and am immediately overwhelmed with horror at the sight.  His pants were pulled down around his legs, his penis out; I, a virgin at this time, had never seen a man naked let alone a penis.
The bus driver stopped a block away from my stop, an often mistake.  I didn't care to tell her to move on to the next.  I hurried off the bus and ran down the street, not looking back, and collapsed on the pavement, shaken.  A few days later, I confided this to my best friend at the time, who encouraged me to tell the vice principal and thus I did.  Although the boy received punishment from the VP, the damage was still done.  The idea that he would think doing such a thing was somehow acceptable and would warrant a positive reaction from me is something I cannot understand or realize to this day.

I have memories of boys leaning to closely in the halls, trying to grab my breasts, me covering myself with my arms in repulsion and fear.  Another time in my early twenties, when I was helping my friend close the cafes, another "friend" followed me into the bathroom, blocking me from leaving, leering at me suggestively.  I was speechless with horror.

There was the time my college best friend and I were walking down a city street in San Francisco. I looked to the side to see a man, sitting in the driver side of his car, pants pulled down, penis erect.  Horrified, I looked away and told my friend, who groaned in disgust.  A memory I cannot erase.

Then, there is the times at Calvary Chapel, being shuttled off to "Purity Conferences", separated from the boys as a male pastor lectured us not to wear any sort of revealing clothes as we were causing our brothers to stumble into sin.  It was our fault if they fell, not any fault of theirs.  Afterward, trying to talk to a male friend at church, having them step quicker and quicker away from me as I approached with a simple "hi".  I grew more and more shameful of my body, allowing the anorexia and body dysphoria to take over.  Maybe, I thought, if I become child-like in form again I won't be such a threat.  It has taken me years to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, and only after surrounding myself with like-minded sufferers and spiritual abuse survivors, who poured out love over me as I shared stories that they, too, could relate to and understand.  Laughter spilling over the incredulous of what happened to us and a real close-knit friendship formed, a family of sorts, an anti-religious fellowship formed as a result of the deconstruction of our faith and loss of trust in the church (even if we have yet to see each other face to face).

Then another memory, my now ex-husband screaming at me, about not completely washing the dishes the right way, not cooking the food the right way, slamming his fist into the wall, throwing a tea kettle across the room, breaking glasses, plates, etc.  To this day, the sound of shattering glass raises my anxiety level.   I can still feel the horror of having him flatten me against the wall, screaming obscene accusations in my face, pushing me down on the bed, shoving his fist in my face as I fell on the couch....

All of these memories and more compounded onto one another to develop an inward self loathing and lack of love for myself.  Until recently, I have never believed myself worthy of love.

Yes, I have forgiven myself and moved on from this, but its been a long struggle and journey to healing, to getting to that place of "no fucks given".  What I have found is that even though I have reached this point, the sexism and abuse has not ended.  The patriarchal rule still seeks to drag me down, give me that disparaging look of "who do you think you are, lady?" The difference now is I don't let it affect me.  It's a reality and a fact of life that plagues every women in our society, regardless of her social standing or profession.

This is why the #metoo movement is such a wonderful movement for me. It's the first time that we, of the female variety, can unite together and express the silent struggles we have faced.  Because men don't often know that it is happening or even that they are the cause of it.  Men, in a very real way, are also victims of this patriarchal influence, as its how they have been taught and raised, however subliminal.  Yes, well meaning men are somehow unaware of how their behavior continues the sexist influence.

For that reason, I am very excited about seeing the birth and creation of the thriller film trilogy, Make Me Smile.  As the story unfolds, a female protagonist will seek revenge in a similar fashion to the abuser, the reality of women rising up to empowerment remains the truthful message and theme of the entire story.  The general population of women who boldly stated "Me Too" on social media would not attempt or do need to react violently to their male abusers, but for the purpose of a thriller the end result of the same that of a woman standing up for herself and her sisters in the face of sexism and abuse.

And, for this I can relate.

Help make "Make Me Smile" a reality.  Donate at: https://www.gofundme.com/f/makesmile
Follow on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/selfinflictedsmile/