Thriving Isn't Always Pretty

 

Human Race

The human race

I'm sick of running

Sick of running

Sick of running

The human race

The human race

I don't belong here

Not in this atmosphere

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

I don't belong here

Not in this atmosphere

I don't belong here

Not in this atmosphere

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

One of the arenas of being an entrepreneur has been trying to find the focus, theme, and brand of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, not just in our media projects, both online and off, but in the overall business as a viable and active part of the community, both locally and globally.  
Little did I know, that the brand of Cafe-Girl had been and is a part of me and has been active via social media and my blog for more than when Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc was established.  
I think perhaps since about 2014, I have had an online Facebook group entitled "Artist Thriving Network".  (Feel free to join: https://www.facebook.com/groups/artthrivestogether/)

In addition, I actively have a blog that is entitled "The Thriving Artist".  The idea behind that despite our circumstance, even if we do not have overwhelming material success and fame, we can still be thriving artists.  I decided then to marry the The Thriving Artist and Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, only to discover that they were already married.
Being a thriving artist means we actively pursue our artistic passions despite our circumstance, whether internal or external.  With the "new" brand focus of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, I will increasingly allow myself to be vulnerable, raw, and real.  I will be me, not just hold the business-woman mindset.  The following paragraphs detail my connection to my local theatre scene and the effects therein, my admitting why I have stepped back.  However, for those that are not local, I share this as well, with a hope to help those who read find their own healing and peace, as well as to bring openness and ability to share their stories.  
Together, we thrive beyond our circumstances.
Much Love,
Lia

For at least 3 plus years, I have stepped back from a considerable amount of activity in the Rogue Valley Theatre Scene. At the time, I referenced to a heavy workload both with my multiple normie jobs as well as Cafe-Girl. But, the truth of the matter is, I have PTSD and relationship trauma issues. An element of the theatre scene around here has become increasingly toxic to me, triggering to my emotional sense, and has led me feeling unsafe emotionally in certain theatres or around certain people. Honestly, it has led me to feel so emotionally despondent and upset that I am not "doing what is required of me" that I have contemplated suicide.
I have not felt the ability or freedom to express this, but with the change of 2020 that it is put upon us, it is now that I express myself.
I will no longer be made to feel bad if I don't attend a certain theatre event. If I do not feel emotionally safe in an environment or an event feels triggering to me, I need to take care of myself. I am in therapy now and have been working on this aspect of my life.
Relationships are give and take, but I feel too much of this element is giving with conditions. They give so they may receive, and if I don't give according to their desires, even if I give unconditionally in a different way, that isn't good enough. I will no longer support those that partake in this toxic practice. It is not good for me nor is it good for others, as well as those that are engaging in such activity. A way to change a behavior is to have a consequence. This is that consequence.
I am openly expressing myself, my pain, my trauma issues, not to shame anyone but to bring openness and understanding.
The truth of the matter is, I do support the local theatre and artistic community in a myriad of fashion. I attend events when I feel it is coming from a place of unconditional love on my part, as well as the receiver, that they will love me no matter if I attend or not, not "unfriend me" because I didn't attend. Yes, that has happened. Now, you all know why, not out of spite, but due to my PTSD. I share this, not to belittle, shame, or anger, but to open up the conversation and bring understanding.
I love you all and wish you healing, with hopes that you have and will take the enormity of the intensity of 2020 to reflect, process, prioritize, and make the changes necessary in you to become a healthy person and truly thriving artist.

Iris

And I don't want the world to see me

'Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming

Or the moment of truth in your lies

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

If you care to support, http://www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions
You are under no obligation to support Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc financially by following this blog or any of our social media sites. 
Your support is felt beyond the financial. 

What 2018 taught me

"Home is where the heart," my character, Romana, from my production company's Doctor Who fan fiction web-series quoted to the Doctor upon re-uniting with him.  Truth be told, this is a long-standing held belief of mine, and no wonder my character said it, I wrote the screenplay. 

However, this year the sentiment has become all the more vivid in the core of my being.  I started this year with the loss of not just a survival job but having a dear friend move away.  A friend whose dogs I had walked, whose house had become a second home dear to me, as I had house-sat there, filmed many a scene there for our modern day Macbeth, Daggers In Men's Smiles.  So, not only was I losing a source of income, but losing a place familiar to my heart and the constant connection of a dear friend. 

Another friend told me about the dog-walking site, Rover.com, and I joined.  Thus, my survival job as a dog-walker/dog sitter grew in leaps and bounds; I have house-sat in many places around the valley this year.   Because of this, I could take you all over the valley, from Ashland to Medford, pointing out various places where I have lived and for a time, a week or more, called home. 

On top of that, my boyfriend and I had to spend a week out of our apartment due to bathroom repairs, thus lived for a bit over a week in a local, lovely, motel called the Manor Inn.  (FYI: the staff was lovely, considerate, kind, and I strongly recommend the place!)  Thus, there is another place I can point to in my travels around town.  '

In April, we were given a no-cause termination notice on our apartment, but were very fortunate enough to move into a lovely three bedroom home outside of Ashland.  Its been a dream come true.

Added to that, there are the places I frequented, the places I once resided, worked at, from years of old that are still homes within my heart.  There have been the frequent travels north, back to Eugene and Portland, where I re-visited the familiar haunts in those places.  Thus, I can truly say that the notion of "home being of the heart", not a mere location, has become an even clearer reality. 

Which leads me to the next lesson of 2018:  Community.  Or as I like to think of it, Common Unity.  In today's world, there appears to be a lack of what is a vital need for our souls.  Thus, if we are not of the religious mindset, we lack a sense of community and without knowing any real place to discover it, to fulfill that need.  What I have discovered this year is that we need to empower ourselves to seek out and design that community for ourselves, looking back at the true meaning of the word, that is, as mentioned above, common unity.  For my part, I have found and reclaimed my own community, common unity, through various means, theatre, film, my own business being able to marry the ideas of work with relationships.  Because, in the end, all of life is just that: relationships.  In these relationships and common unity, I have been able to find the honesty to fully encounter my heart's home, finding peace, strength, and solace within which gives me the bold determination to do the like for my own created community, common unity, relationships.

Lastly, the connection of home within my heart, a state of being, and the true meaning of community has given me the strength to face myself, to stand up to the detrimental effects of hatred and bullying, to those that wish to hinder my way and those of my dearest kindred spirits, and through this empowered new life focus to find the healing release of the wounds of past emotional abuse. 

Through this healing, my own sense of community within the home in my heart has given me a peace that surpasses the external reality of my life, whatever it may be good or bad, with a renewed focus, clearly described and designed, leading me higher and higher into achieving my destiny.

In 2019, I do so hope that not only will I continue to thrive, to heal, to connect more deeply with my center, but I wish the same for you, gentle reader.  Go forth into the world and seek to know, to understand, to truly see and be seen, to connect, and to arrive home within your heart, finally, at peace.

My Heart Your Home