Lately, I've been pondering over my life and recalling all the darkness within, the times I exploded with emotional outburst of rage, seemingly a plethora of times throughout and with much shame and destruction of some friendships along the way. However, many remain and they have become more than friends but family as I am grateful for their camaraderie and companionship. Why, I ask myself, are they still by my side, as it were, whether be it near or far, I remain in their heart?
Due to my struggles with Bipolar and PTSD, I find in myself these times of both light and dark as reactions to the exterior world as well as internal beliefs that shaped my thinking causing the reactions. This has been a lifelong struggle with the forces of light and dark, good and evil, within my being. The struggle to understand why, to decipher out who I am, and to be at peace from the tumult of the storms within.
It is of such shame that I think of all the pain I inflicted while acting as my Hyde persona, the trauma I might have inflicted on so many that I may never be able to resolve or repair. In that, I extend my apologies to the universe in hopes that it will reach my victims that they find healing and freedom. With that, I do my best to persevere, work through my own myriad of traumatic experiences and unravel their effect.
For so many years not having a real causation for this dark part of my soul, my Hyde, that when I would explode, I thought nothing of it as it was just a normalcy that was quickly covered over and the subject avoided. A scant amount of healing, working through, or repercussion was brought upon me. Thus, I had to learn the hard way of dealing with the difficulties of the wild swing of mood disorder built in with the abuse causing the reactivity of PTSD. My emotional darkness exploitations were varied between the fight or flight depending on the relationship and circumstance. Furthermore, flight would be a form of freeze as I would disappear into the safety of my own mind, spacing out away from the attack of the external. Fight would come later, when approached by someone who was not as threatening to me, and as a resulting factor of the previous abuse flung at me.
Thus, it is really for all of us. In the end, we all are capable of being a Jekyll and a Hyde, have the nuance of black and white, good and evil, light and dark within. Often times, we judge others too harshly when confronted with the darker side, feeling their dislike, distrust, and paint ourselves in the light, as the victim of such reproach. I can attest that I am guilty of this. Other times, we judge ourselves the more harsh with the bitterness of self hatred and loathing, falling into the despair of depression. Yes, I, too, am very guilty of this.
Since, this propensity in all of us to light and dark, to be a Jekyll and a Hyde, we must then decide to work towards healing within and healing without. Beginning within, ironing out the wrinkles and tarnishes from the stain of trauma on our soul, allowing us to heal, forgive, and resolve ourselves to admitting openly all of our facets. Willingness to be open about our strengths and our flaws affords the ability to step back from the heat of the drama of attacking another and recognize that they too are confronted by the source of their own pain and reacting from that. So, in the heat of the moment, pausing, stepping back and further outward almost as if the situation were a small speck in the grand scheme of the Universe, for it is, will bring about the realization that none are inherently good or evil.
So, with that I acknowledge my crazy within, resolve to not paint myself good or evil, light or dark, but embrace the nuances of my mind, whatever the causation, brought upon by all the circumstances and relations of my life knowing that all were lessons to shape my evolutionary journey towards wholeness and freedom.
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