Sinners Every One Of Us #confession #spirituality

 

Few things accelerate the peace process 

as much as humbly admitting our own 

wrongdoing and asking forgiveness. 

- Lee Strobel

In the days after my leaving the church, as I stumbled through the painful path of deconstruction, I came upon the Hindu text, Srimad Bhagavatam, and read it throughout the year of 2016, some six years after my last Sunday morning church service.  What I found began to soften the wound from the church's failings and afflictions, widened my appreciation for the spiritual paths of others, and quickened the path toward healing.  For I discovered was that there more similarities rather than differences between the Hindu text and the Christian Bible as the phrasing of scriptures found in both seemed to reflect universal truths of a eternal connection with the divine.  This realization began the process of forgiveness for the hurts left over from my fundie connections and the healing commenced.  My belief suddenly revealed itself to be, if these texts reflected these similarities and other spiritual practices were alike, then perhaps the solution to my deconstruction is to reconstruct, now viewing that since many of all walks of life, religion, nationalities throughout all of time have sought something beyond understanding, there must then be universal truth.  Finally, all paths do, in fact, lead to God.

Recently, I was discussing with a co-worker about one of the ways that therapy has helped in my life  by giving me the desire to be radically and authentically honest.  She and I discussed how most of the general public do not practice this in their day to day life and instead choose to dwell within the stories created in their mind fraught with pain easily released if one should admit and ask for clarification.  However, this is easier said than done, and as my colleague pointed out, most find false protection in the barrier caused by the stories of their mind and once beaten down will leave to the afeard vulnerability.  However, scary this brokenness may seem from afar, once acquired the pieces lost lend themselves toward true freedom and peace.

This discussion led me back to pondering the similarities in spiritual beliefs and how they also relate to therapeutic method.  The practice of 'confession' sprang up to my mind as I began to seek out the many ways that religions and beliefs encouraged this.  Although there are many differences in how to confess, nevertheless, many of the world spiritual texts, such as the Bible, the Torah, and The Quran, have verses on the importance of confessing one's sins and shortcomings.  For instance, some religions, such as Catholicism believe that confession must be done in the presence of a priest, while others believe none are needed to intercede between God and self, both self alone.  Furthermore, although the Christian faith teaches that confessing sins allows for God's forgiveness, the Jewish belief is not of hell or purgatory but see the act of confession as one of cleansing and purification.  Within Islam, there are two forms of sinning, one against God and one against the religion, with the latter needing reconcialition and retribution to follow after the initial act of confession.  

The thesaurus of Merriam Webster shares that a synonym for confession is admission:

       confession:as in admission
            an open declaration of something (as a fault or the commission of an offense) about oneself
    a confession that he had been lying all along

So, if admission is akin to confession, then the act of therapy can align itself with spiritual practice in that one shares their struggles with a third, non-bias party, such as a counselor or social worker.  It is important in this regard that mental illness or struggles are not equated with the notion of sin, however, the therapeutic process of sharing is similar in relief to one's confession  within spirituality. 

Upon this revelation, I return to my earlier resolution that if all spiritual practices share similarities, adding now the process of recovery through the variety of therapy, finally there is universal truth in something beyond which aligns in unity the vast differences of those everywhere seeking for the freedom and peace found within confession. 

Confession is verbal humiliation.

- Richard Sibbes

Where To Find Me

When the lie is deeper than I know

You capture me and You carry me home

You see these wounds and rescue me

You always heal things beautifully

And I close my eyes

And You can still my heart

And I call out Your name…

‘Cause You always know

You always know where to find me…

You always know

You always know where to find me…

Links & Articles Used As Research In This Entry:

confession noun

24 Quotes About Confession

Confession: Is Dr. Freud at War with Religious Beliefs?

Confession (religion)

Confession In Religion

Confession varies among world's major religions

I'm not networking anymore!

Yesterday I had a post traumatic stress break, like an anxiety attack but so much worse. 

I know that I have mentioned before somewhat about my abusive past, but always with certain limitations.  In truth, I haven't really dealt with the inner issues and fall-out since I left my abusive ex-husband in 2013, and slowly realized the extent of all the abusive types I had allowed into my life since childhood, from friends, spiritual teachers, and boyfriends alike.  I imagined that if I forgave the abuser, not forgotten, that I had learned my lesson and could truly move forward.  But, there is a difference between moving forward and being healed.  Because moving forward can become akin to busyness, to forget, nullify, and distract. 

It has come to my attention these last several months that I have not truly overcome my post traumatic issues and, in fact, have learned that I am one that buries deep my feelings to run from, distract, avoid and can seem aloof to others.  Although I am indeed a deeply compassionate person with a ton of emotions right at the surface, my past traumatic experiences have taught me that it is not safe to reveal and have throughout a plethora of relationship styles (friend, lover, etc) lost my security in trusting.

So, due to my not having the insurance coverage, I was unable to see a therapist after leaving my abusive ex-husband.  I mean, I did have ways to cope and could have attended free support groups with other victims, beyond that of social media ones, but I did not.  It is true that I spent a good chunk of my younger days, twenty-six to thirty, in a myriad of therapy options so I had a good understanding of how to cope and care for myself.  So, with all that said, I imagined that I was doing quite well, in spite of it all.  

But, at the end of the day, I never truly grew, healed, or truly released myself from the past traumatic events.  I have lived as if the world around me and those I came into contact were still a constant threat.  I mean, yes there were certain element of healing through forgiving my past bullies but I never truly understood the extent the purpose of why I experienced all the abuse from so many different formats, why I chose to allow those individuals to hurt me the way they did or even why they chose to victimize me.  But, I'm starting to see clearly the answers therein.

Truth be told, because of this, I was and still can be quite reactive and defensive in the face of presumed threats to my security, both physically and emotionally.   Others that have not experienced the layers of abuse that I have experienced may have found this confusing, this over-reactions I have had at times.  For my part, I was constantly under the delusion that I was being taken advantage of and that ultimately I was not loved.

Although there have been some healing throughout the last several years, it wasn't until last December that the scales of hiding fell away from my eyes and I began to clearly see myself.   That was when I finally did a psychiatric intake for mental health counseling that I realized I still needed to work on my trauma issues. 

In reality, I used my abusive past as a crutch to hide, to run away from relationships, from getting to close to my friends.  I expected those that cared for me to hurt me so I made it so they did.  I never fully explained my reasoning, from the outside I can look fully sufficient, competent, and dare I say, happy.  For the most part, I am.  Through therapy, I have realized that it's not healthy to put up barriers and avoid certain places and people that I deem unsafe and threatening.  You mean, I could someday attend these places without feeling like I need to have an escape route at all times. 

This is still a novel concept as I have been living with the way of super-protective boundaries for almost a decade, if not longer, now.  And, its a daily norm for me that I run through the voices of my abusers' lies and tactics to destroy and keep me submissive. And sometimes try to talk back, defensive now when I couldn't speak up then as the victim.

This is all to say that my look at socializing or being with people has been altered. (And not just in the light of COVID-19 and all that implies either.)  When we do get around to opening our world again, my take on all that has transformed, evolved, if you will.

Yes, it is true that with the onset of starting my production company and still having to work several part-time survival gigs, and with balancing all of that, it gives me little time to unwind and relax.  I am a self professed, proud introvert, always have been and always will be.  I love more than anything being by myself and as I continually heal, I find more and more comfort being with me. 

Yes, I have to stay busy, I have to be productive or my life isn't worth anything, is a constant thread running through my mind.  I often have trouble watching a TV show or movie, because I feel guilty even doing that, relaxing by myself, at times.  

Also, due to the bullies of my past, I find myself feeling guilty if I decline to participate in their invites. Its not a personal attack or an insult to them, but more to myself, when I decline or not show up.   I recognize that it may appear that way but its due to my own feeling of not being safe that leaves me wanting to stay home.  But, because I believe that getting healthy requires me to be comfortable with myself and my decisions, I will not be afraid to set my boundaries and to say no when I cannot attend.  However, I will do my best to attend those I can and show support of my friends and colleagues. 

But, I must dig even deeper in my personal revelations here, showing why "I'm not networking anymore" as the title states.  Truth be told, when I wrote the first draft of this article, the following paragraphs were very accusatory, possibly insulting.  I stepped away from the computer, went on a walk, and realized that wasn't my intention.  As I grow healthier in my journey, I realize that the majority of the folks I come across are not narcissistic abusive types and in fact have their own pain that causes reactive outbursts and misunderstandings.  My intention in writing this is not to wound but to be authentic.  As I begin to release those toxic individuals who have abused me, even more so I must release those that do not willingly want to cause me harm.  And, thus I do.  We are all on the journey towards our own wholeness, a path that is truly singular to ourselves. At times, we may cross paths and help each other in a variety of ways.  Some may be a friend, others foe but regardless we learn and grow more fully into who we truly are.

That said, though, when I choose to accept an event from a friend, to a play, a party, or what have you, it will no longer be to play the game political of "quid pro quo, you scratch mine, I scratch yours, tit for tat", that is so insidious and present in the theater and film world.  I personally see that as inauthentic and detrimental to myself as a friend and artist.  I choose to attend to show my love and support of my friend, not for any gain of myself.  Because if I attend, it is with many an hour of fretting, concern for my emotional safety, planning my eventual release (ie, how long will I stay, etc), before I ever set foot in the door.  And, that said, if a person chooses not to attend an event of mine, I will not take it personal, nor shun them from my life or future events.  

No, I don't play those games and nor will I be bought. And, neither, dear ones, do you have to be bought by me.  My love remains, whether we remain side by side or our paths diverge, my love remains.  Circumstances change, life pushes us forward, but my love stays with you.  I am learning to expect no less for myself.

Furthermore, I am realizing that the power of forgiveness extends only so far.  Yes, I can forgive all that have wronged me, but I do not have to accept back into my life those that continue to inflict.  The most important key factor here is, I have a choice and so do you.  If your choice requires you to depart from me, my love remains as I have said and travels with you.  I see now that it is my decision to pursue the positive rather than dwell on the negative, thus by doing so the positive becomes abundant.  No, I do not want to exclude any dissension in my surroundings, but do expect complete honesty and, if needed, constructive criticism from my loved ones, still I choose that element that uplifts rather than tries to destroy.

Lastly, I do not seek an abundance of praise for my creative pursuits any longer.  I do hold gratitude in my heart with abundance of appreciation for those that give support and encouragement, as I give to them.  But, I realize now that its not in the quantity, but the quality.  Whether one person reads this blog or a hundred, the effect is still the same.  Did I enjoy the act of writing and creating? Did this creative endeavor bring me pleasure, make me smile, build me up in someway? If I can answer yes to that, I know that I am successful.  From that, I can see that those that are meant to read or view my creative outlets will be those that need and find the most value from it.  

Life is not about quantity, but quality.  I hope we all grow further into a deeper understanding of that reality.  

I have dreams, not that you're not lying

Next to me

I can sleep, I can rest in peace

I'm not tossing and turning on your bed of nails

I'm not burning up like I'm in hell

I can sleep

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s6Wc1QICflo

Whether you are or disagree with the above writings, feel free to leave your comments below. I do read them and will respond! 

Also, The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a small business that seeks to bring awareness to a variety of social issues that will impact the world for the better.  Consider supporting us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions  And, thank you.