Reclaiming Jezebel #reclaiming

 

Who was Jezebel?  Aside from the trope of the evil, seductive woman or even an evil spirit, a slanderous name tossed about for centuries when someone, usually female, considered to be of lesser value tries to overcome her downtrodden role, or rather a 'get out of a jail free card' for a wandering man who blames the victim, 'That Jezebel made me do it", but historically...who was she? 

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The woman Jezebel is introduced in the Biblical book, 1st Kings, as a Phoenician princess who marries the Israeli King Ahab.  Or rather, she is sold into the slavery of marriage for the position of political power wrangling between her father's sea-faring successful country to that of the land of Israel, a simple dowry object passed from one patriarchal control to another.  How dare she speak up, forge her own path?  Doesn't she know her place?

A young woman traveling to a distant land from the comforts of her home, Jezebel brought much from the place of her birth, including that of the artifacts of her country's religion, so that she could continue to worship as she had always done.  Once there, she inquired of Ahab, her new betrothed, if she could display such artifacts of her faith and he gave her his permission.  Ahab, an ancient king, had many a wife and concubine, of which Jezebel was the newest, as many ancient kings did.  Women of the time passed back and forth, land to land, bed to bed, as a form of currency and an object of social status.  How dare Jezebel seek out and desire more?

It is said in the Biblical accounts of her life that her new husband, King Ahab, willingly began worshiping Ba'al, committing idolatry, he gave up the God of Israel.  However, when reading a historical, religious text such as the Bible, one has to recognize that all material and literature is of its time (or of any time), is written with bias based on the life of the one writing and what audience they intend to persuade.  Now, I am not anti-bible, even though a deconstructed Fundie Christian, I hold beautiful memories pouring through and still find value with such as a spiritual text among many, one rich with figurative stories to help make meaning and understanding unto one's life's journey and evolution. All that to say, in the interest of this study of Jezebel, let's do our best to set aside the religious teachings of the Bible, specifically that of 'literal', and any bias that teaching has created within and take another look at Jezebel.  

Jezebel's arrival in her new husband's land took some getting accustomed for both her and those around her.  Furthermore, her bringing artifacts of her faith along with her and not conforming to the religion of the land angered many, including that of the Jewish Prophets, Elijah, then Elisha.  Additionally, Jezebel was not acting appropriately in the traditional sense of the submissive woman and wife, she was curious, had a voice she wanted heard, and was hungry for interaction.  In short, she sought to align herself in equality with her husband.  How dare she?  

It is important to note that Jezebel was not innocent in her strong woman status.  She was a bit conniving in wrangling a piece of land Ahab wanted from the poor owner, Naboth, whom she wrongfully accused of blasphemy to God and country, bringing about his stoning.  So, yeah, definitely a 'dick move' if I ever heard one? Again, she vowed to have Elijah killed, but only after finding out that the prophet had caused the slaughter of hundreds of Ba'al worshipers and prophets in the name of the God of Israel.  An eye for an eye, am I right?

Examining the life and character of Jezebel through the lens of the Biblical bias, one that wants to esteem the Judeo-Christian God above all others, she is vilified as a pagan seductress as a warning for what occurs when one disobeys the most high.  Yet, within the confines of history and political striving through all time including present day, this back and forth one-uppance and vying to overpower is a factor of human nature.  Perhaps, the striving of such coming from a woman, who already did not conform to the standards of society, was the true sticking point.  If Jezebel had be a man, would we have the slanderous insult?  Yes, Jezebel ain't an angel, but I don't necessarily see her as this Satanic Spirt come to tempt and to destroy all her victims.  I am reminded more of current women of political power of our day, more than a sexual deviant. 

So, the warning of the spirit of Jezebel is not one of sexual seductress, nor should Jezebel be held up as reason for husbands to insist their wives submit, but rather that of the political striving of over-powering another for one's gain.  A reality of human nature, of all genders, striving to better oneself can swiftly swing to a competitive drive to dominate.  For example, if feminism becomes more about matriarchal rule, where men are dominated and subjugated, as seen in the Barbie movie, than the female gender is no better than the male.  

Yet, there is a positive spirit of Jezebel worthy of reclaiming, standing true to oneself amongst the unfamiliar, surrounded by the prejudices of others, and speaking up to be heard when others would wish to silence.  For a woman who voluntarily agreed to be a Fundie Christian in her twenties, who always had a busty Barbie Doll figure, surrounded by a culture encroached within the Purity Culture mindset, I felt often that my body, the 'God-given' figure, was a Jezebel like attribute that could cause the stumbling of my male brethren.  Adding to the experience wherein a pastor who was counseling me in the throes of my depression remarked, "lots of women that I have counseled have developed feelings for me", which caused me to question, then spiral deeper into body dysmorphia and shame, to anorexia with the hopes of de-sexualizing myself so as not to be a 'Jezebel'.  

It is said that when those intent to murder her were approaching, Jezebel put on her finest attire, painted her face, and stood proudly looking out her window.  Was she waiting for her approaching 'paying customers' as a harlot? My feeling is she was continuing her bravery of standing fast in her own power and strength in the face of great adversity.

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle 'neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave
With what you want to say
And let the words fall out
Honestly, I wanna see you be brave

Brave - Sara Bareilles (Lyrics)

Research materials used for this article:

Jezebel: The Bible's Ultimate Femme Fatale | Naked Archaeologist | Parable

Blaming Jezebel | Belief It Or Not

Is Jezebel The Most Reviled Woman In The Bible? | Notorious Women Of The Bible | Parable

Bible Story of Jezebel

Imposter-Shmoster!

 

What is Imposter Syndrome?

Here's a definition according to google:

 Imposter syndrome can be defined as a collection of feelings of inadequacy that persist despite evident success. 'Imposters' suffer from chronic self-doubt and a sense of intellectual fraudulence that override any feelings of success or external proof of their competence.  

As I was launching into the world of 'film producer', I suffered with this syndrome, without really knowing it.  I just felt like I wasn't taken seriously or respected for my efforts.  Part of it, could be that I was surrounded by the type of folks that were trying to weigh me down, narcissists in some fashion, manipulative takers, who were only with me for their own gain kinda sorta person.  Without being able to see the healthy folk around me, being overwhelmed with the toxic, I constantly felt a struggle to see my own worth and value.  Due to this, I was constantly pouring outward, helping others, loving others, until at the end of the day, nothing was left to give, thus I neglected myself.  Pushing myself to attend all the right parties and events, a smile on my face that felt hollow, left me feeling even more invalid.

In late 2019, bowled over with a massive load of post-production editing past due to release, I sat down at my computer with one line traveling through my mind, a small form of encouragement, "you don't have to be perfect, you just have to begin."  Rather, experience comes from pursuing that which you are calling.

Furthermore, in late 2019, faced with a huge financial crisis, I started reaching out and receiving more paid work, those beloved special folk who found value in me merely because I existed and wanted to help lift me.  Receiving financial compensation, helped drag me out of the dehilibating hole of debt, both outwardly and inwardly.  My self worth expanded as I began to regularly pay my bills, watched the debt decrease, and my confidence began to expand .  Added to that, in 2019, I made the empowering decision to step back from relationships toxic, as painful as it was, to give out continuously and when standing up for myself feel the loathing of those I thought loved me, the heartbreak of the break-up even in friendships was devastating, yet in that good-bye a learning lesson leading to my further developing my strength of character.  Yes, some friends left me, choosing to wallow in their anger and tell their stories of me, I stood and continued forward, realizing that many more than those few stayed with me and even more healthy relations began to come in, and slowly, slowly, I am learning to trust.

All of these factors, from developing my editing skills to releasing the toxic, helped lessen the feelings of fraud and imposter.  I stopped thinking outwardly about how to impress and focus more on how I was being led.  Started realizing that self worth and inner strength comes when you discover your calling, that of your passion and purpose; experience, then, develops as you take the first, perhaps, small steps towards that such calling.  Rather I started worrying less about how to impress, about who was viewing, but more of creating what I felt led to, whatever that may be, enjoying the process of creating and finding joy in the release of such.

With that soul development, as well as focusing on my mental health through self help book galore and private therapy, the feeling of fraud, that of having the imposter syndrome, began to release itself.  In fact, it wasn't until a few months ago, when a friend expressed that she hadn't felt the imposter syndrome for some days that I even started to learn that that was a thing and was something I had experienced.  

Labels are not the end all be-all.  My having bipolar, PTSD, and Celiac Disease are not the catch-all, like, "you got the answer now, you are saved" kinda thing.  Rather, labels help bring clarity that help lead one to begin the steps needed for recovery.  And, dear ones, recovery is the most wonderful thing ever!

In the case of "Imposter Syndrome", several factors had to begin before even discovering that label,  not being easily swayed by the external and the toxic, but grounding myself within.

If you find yourself, dear reader, struggling with this syndrome, trust in your calling, your passion, and your purpose.  Know that experience in that is not given, but will come as you take that first step.  

It doesn't have to be perfect, you just have to begin.

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Brave

Defining Bravery

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words doWhen they settle 'neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

It is a very heartwarming that the reality of mental illness within us all is now becoming more acceptable to speak upon, yet sometimes at the extent of using for one's own personal gain.  I have seen this in my life and friendships, using one's mental health as a 'get out of jail free' card when it comes to set obligations.  

Recently, Olympic athlete, Simone Biles, was lauded for her bravery of stepping back from competing due to her mental health issues. While I agree that speaking out about one's issues in a culture that until recently has stigmatized, silenced, and pushed back into darkness that of mental illness, is an act of bravery, I see her decision to return to compete and stand up holding the bronze as even more brave.  Because despite her suffering, she did not quit, she did not use the 'mental health get of jail free' card, but persevered onward.  That will be more vital to her mental health recovery as well as to that of others in the world in the erasure of stigma and encouragement of others to bravely perserevere in their recovery journeys. 

That said, recently in my local area, another individual stepped forward in a very brave way that, in my opinion, advanced the cause of the erasing stigma and raising awareness for mental health advocacy.  A young 24 year old man, Kristopher Clay, who worked as a janitor at a local high school and was already suffering with a mental health condition, took himself to the police station before committing a heinous crime.

It is the fact of our present day reality that mass-shootings are a common horror, including that at our schools, ranging from elementary through university.  Kristopher Clay was, as he put it, having 'homicidal thoughts' and had made plans and stockpiled weapons to commit this heinous crime at his place of employment.  However, it was obstructed and did not occur, why, because he stepped forward, destraught with immense fear of his own inner demons, nonetheless he bravely fought against.  

Now, I do not want to equate homicide with that of athletic competition, but the fact of the matter is, mental illness is a varied package, from mere anxiety to delusional thinking, and yet all are under the umbrella of psychological disorder.  

Therefore, before others may seek to downplay the step that Clay took and want to label him as 'crazy', which is no doubt understandable due to his thoughts and plans, I assert the positive step he took, in his own act of bravery, to halt the duranged thoughts in his mind, to seek help not just for himself but for those threatened.  

For very personal reasons, I know fully how difficult it is to fight against the darkness of  your own mind and demonic thoughts, to not give in, but strive each day for wholeness and health.  For this reason, I applaud Kristopher Clay as brave.  He will and is facing consequences of the preparation for the crime, but it will be not as drastic as what could have been had he succumbed to his weakness.  Not only that, in addition, he will be able to continue his journey toward recovery and, in that, this moment of his life will be a beacon of light shining out of the darkness that mental illness no longer shall be hidden or perceived scary and that recovery is possible.

Brave

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle 'neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Unconventional Normalcy

 Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Lately, my deepest desire is for normalcy, that is, to gather myself finished with my work day in the early evening, have a nice dinner, relax in front of the tv or with a book, and go to bed.  But, in all truth, this change in me was slowly emerging back in the Before Times (pre-covid19) of 2019, when I was gradually becoming increasingly worn out from the culture and rat-race of the local theatre scene and although not admitting it to myself was ready for a change.  I recall saying this to myself and to my friends, "don't you ever just want to be normal?" 

I desired that, partially, yet at the same time I thought there was no way I could be content with that lifestyle.  Yet, in these times post-covid19 (perhaps), I feel a sense of normalcy has descended upon my life and my desires of my heart both personally and professionally have shifted to a slower pace.

Now, when I say I desire the normal day to day, in no way am I am referring to the 9-5 job, yes, this desire comes from a girl who logs online to certain websites for discreet modeling services, works diligently as a fine art model for the local colleges and a variety of art studios as well as a simulated patient at the local nursing college, dashes about town as a dog walker and house-sitter, among a smattering of other employment duties.  

Basically, I'm a ultra busy gig worker and with the onset of the time of Covid-19, I took the time to step back from the rat-race, re-prioritize, look within, heal, became centered, found myself, and thus here I am.  Finally, the gig work is increasingly lucrative as I set and attain my intentions slowly I rise, as it were.  But, albeit the busyness, I have learned the all to valuable lesson to close up shop for the night.  

As I take a pause from the life of a theatre actress, it has opened up new avenues for my creativity to expand.  With that, an increase of my abilities, finances, and overall self worth.

I was made for such a life of 'unconventional normalcy', I see that now.  But it was a long pathway to accept this in myself. 

During the time of Covid19, I took the time of quarantine 2020 and on into 2021, to focus inward on the recovery of my traumatic issues and examine how that has affected who I am, my bipolar diagnosis, and my relationships throughout my life.  It is not super comfortable to look back in time at the ugliness, the times my broken brain believed itself to be correct when it was in error, but one thing assures me with strength is the friends and other close ones who were about me then and many still to this day, a fact that astounds me.  Why, I wonder, am I really that special, worthy of such love unconditional?  I find in myself an embarrassment for how I treated such when in these episodes.

Yes, all of my life I would have these episodes, that I now recognize stem from a dual diagnosis of Bipolar and PTSD, the emotional reactivity of the latter influenced by the mood instability of the former, be it they outbursts of anger, intense sadness bordering on suicidal ideation, or somewhere in between.  In those times, I can recall that my mind honestly believed the thoughts racing through which perpetuated the outward reaction, which now I see the thoughts were that of dysfunction.  The majority of my life I carried within an overwhelming dislike of myself, a running commentary on my unworthiness of love, and an ever diminishing self esteem.  Putting aside the conversation about why this went un-examined for so much of my life until the age of 27, when due to a mental breakdown from the stress of working as a school teacher, I was forced to stop running and face myself.  Therein, was handed to me the first diagnosis correctly given, Bipolar.

Now, I can bemoan this in that I spent a good percentage of my youth in and out of a variety of recovery, trying to conform and increasingly feeling a failure because I couldn't, as well as mournfully comment on the reality that I missed out on that time of life...or I can realize the truth of who I am.

I am unconventional and that is just fine. My purpose here on this planet, I now see, is to be a catalyst of change, to strike against the status quo of social norms, and forge my own path, one that is about increasingly finding security within mental health and wholeness as well as that for others.

And, thus I am, at last, discovering my own version of the good life, more and more, true success is found in the little moments of joy.  The purr of my kitty, Tansy, the thrill of seeing my garden grow and eating the fruits (or veggies) of my effort, the friendship of good and loyal friends who have weathered the storms with me, whose encouragement has never wavered, and are more likened to family of sorts.  

With their strength, I find my own, to step out on my journey full of love and excitement for what shall unfold.

Brave

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody's lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

You Are Essential!

You Matter To Me

Chances are, this blog article will not be what you think.  The words "essential" and "nonessential" have been tossed about a lot recently in light of the COVID-19 pandemic.  And, my words today do not seek to lessen the importance of these standards and rules set in place meant to help us overcome and heal from this current world's blight.

But in fact, my truest desire today is to shine a little hope on those readers, whether they be in the essential category of work or non-essential category of work (as I am), with the simple reality that you, as well as everyone, are essential.  

That's correct.  You, my friend, are essential.

   

You are!

So, what does it mean if something is essential? 

Well, Google's definition is as follows: Adjective. essential, fundamental, vital, cardinal mean so important as to be indispensable.

That's right, you, my friend, regardless of your social or career status in the current world plight according to the needs of curing the Covid-19, are indispensable.

Why?

Because you are loved and have infinite value to your family, friends, colleagues, those you come across daily, and even more so, to the world.

We are all brought to this planet for a reason beyond our understanding and at times can catch a glimpse of this true purpose.  Embrace that knowledge as you find yourself struggling with worry and concern over the future for yourself, your family, your children, the planet.  

Know this, what you do, matters and makes a difference.  Even if it seems small and insignificant, it isn't.  The small things matter and have a ripple effect outwards indeed truly making the world a better place.

So, to the nurses, doctors, and hospital workers tirelessly fighting to end this virus, you are essential. You matter.  You are making a difference and impacting the change the world needs.

To the retail and grocery store workers, putting themselves in harm's way so that we may have our needs met, you are essential. You matter. You are making a difference and impacting the change the world needs.

To those working from home, caring for the needs of their children, driving themselves crazy with the excess needs of their children with no break, you are essential.  You matter.  You are making a difference and impacting the change the world needs.

To those single folk, all alone in your apartment, working from home or not able to work, you are essential.  You matter.  You are making a difference and impacting the change the world needs.

To those marching on the streets, gathering together, some with fire-arms and some without, you are essential. You matter.  You are making a difference and impacting the change the world needs.

To the politicians of all degrees of this country and others, you are essential.  You matter.  You are making a difference and impacting the change the world needs.

Now, I am not saying I agree personally with the actions of all of those listed above.  The truth of the matter is, I don't.  However, I am increasingly of the belief that all on this planet are here for a certain reason and purpose.  I am beginning to see that those that cause the most ire and irritation to a boiling point are those that will effect the most inward change to our soul.  Thus, we can thank those supposed enemies for enacting their intended purpose for the betterment of our enlightenment and growth.

That's right.  Thank those that hurt. It may seem counter-intuitive or opposite of what you feel, but from that you will see true forgiveness and openness of soul develops. I admit this isn't easy for me either.  It's a new thought that I am at present working on developing further into my psyche.  But the more I explore the concept and allow it to take root in my soul, my perception of the external circumstances and actions of others changes.  I see now that it's not a singular event meant merely for the here and now, but a series of experiences impacting change on a cosmic level.  We are all put on this planet for the spiritual growth and enlightenment for all and those whose paths cross, whose relationships are deeper than the mere momentary connection, are those that have the most impact.  These connections may last for this lifetime or they may be fleeting.  The time we spend side by side on the journey may last a day or for years, only to seemingly fall away from each other.  This separation can and will cause pain but know that it is for an intended reason of growth and healing, that the purpose of the connection has come to the fullness of its experience.  Release, then, with gratitude.

The most important thing to note in this current world situation is that fear is the strongest influence on a person's development and decisions.  It is the inward driving point behind every person's actions.  When you see a person acting in such a way that is counter-intuitive to what you believe is needed for the world's healing and theirs as well, remind yourself that they are operating from a place of anxiety.  Discomfort is a hard pill to swallow and an even more harder place to dwell.  We, as a country, have become so used to the status quo, the comforts of distraction, that when our reality is shattered and we are forced to change, we react with fear.

It comes down to that then, fear, and the realization that our time in this life-time is fleeting, that the material things of this world are inconsequential and not lasting, are not where we can find true comfort.  It leads to the downward spiral that maybe nothing matters, most importantly us. It is unsettling but if the fear is embraced with the loving patience of those around, it can effect true change and healing.

So, that is the true intended purpose of this current world upheaval, for you, for me, for all of us.  Embrace the uncertainty, have patience with yourself and others.  

And, hear me when I say truly from my heart, you are essential.

You Matter To Me

Because you matter to me
Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody
You matter to me
I promise you do, you, you matter too
I promise you do, you see?
You matter to me

Thoughts on what you read? Comment below.  I like to read what you have to say and try to always respond!

A Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company that seeks to raise awareness on social issues to impact real change.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Deconstruct/Reconstruct

Deconstruct/Reconstruct: The Story of My Personal Spiritual Transformation

It has come to this at last.  A place I would never thought I would be when I started the journey to deconstruct, freedom from the entrapment of mind control that at one time held me captive within the confines of mainstream Christianity.  For years after, as I have documented and shared openly in many ways, including this blog, I sought to understand, to explain, to find connection, to heal.  At last, I did.  The process was tiring, at times I felt more lonely than I had ever been in my life previous, but finally I can say that all that travail was worth it because I have found connection, understanding that I am not alone in the mind control and repression that occurred, and throughout that healing that came forth, I have been able to forgive my captors, as it were.

So, I do not want to focus on that, rehash all of that.  For the most part, its in the past.  

Today, I want to focus on this new phase of my journey into my spiritual identity.  At present, I am defining my own belief structure, one based on a myriad of other practises and personal studies.  Like the meme above says, I have read many a book that stimulates and soothes my soul, helping to release the painful bondage from my past captivity, and bringing fresh insight to who I am.  These studies range from a vast repertoire of spiritual religions and practises,to books on psychology and self-growth, all which have slowly helped to regain my sense of self and more so healed me to become better, to become truly whole.  My skin is a place I feel increasingly comfortable and at last my heart is truly where I am home.  

The journey has led me to a deeper understanding of myself, helping to describe outwardly what I have been carrying with me inwardly for all of my life.  Empath, is one external term that explains myself and with gratitude I bear that title.  Through an abundance of new found faith not found in the confines of the church, I have cast off my the restrictions of social norms of work and life and moved fully into self-employment guiding me towards creative and financial freedoms.  

What is this spiritual walk I now follow? It is difficult to say nor do I seek to convert and conform others to my way of life.  There is no need to define or seek any sort of teacher to lead, guide.  Perhaps its my own sense of the divine that is all I need, I'm not sure, I'm still reconstructing inwardly what I believe that divine is,  male, female, nature, myself.  

But, as I take this journey, I realize now that I do not need to define or explain myself.  I walk quietly with focus in the ways I am being led.  And, being led, I am.  That is all I truly know, that I am being led, something within or without, perhaps both, is guiding me, is showing me that I have a purpose and a place in the Universe, that I am loved and that I matter.

I am glad that I am here and am thankful for what came before, even the fundie years.  All of it shaped my understanding of the divine, of spirituality, what it is and what it isn't, for me personally.  In the end, our spiritual reality is unique to every one of us and we are the only ones that can define our path.  I believe now the journey to wholeness and peace is life-long, to accept ourselves fully and find ultimate peace within.  

For now, that's all I really need as I journey through reconstruction. 

Brave