Ally #support #liftup #standfor

 

Taylor Swift - You Need To Calm Down (Lyrics)

You are somebody that we don't know
But you're comin' at my friends like a missile
Why are you mad when you could be GLAAD? (You could be GLAAD)
Sunshine on the street at the parade
But you would rather be in the dark ages
Makin' that sign must've taken all night

I am an ally, it means more than you think.

I am a person that stands up for and with my beloved LGBTQAI friends, of which I align myself with the "A" portion, as a matter of truth.  I honor all gender identities and allow others to live their truth authentically and freely.  Furthermore, I will continue to offer assistance in anyway so that they may continue in this freedom. 

I stand against racism and bigotry of any form.  I am completely against hatred and the infliction of violence on another based on the difference of ethnic background and color of the skin. 

As a person with a dual mental illness diagnosis and physical health issues, I act as an ongoing volunteer advocate for those unable to speak up or be heard for whatever reason or cause.  I believe that our illnesses are not disempowering but are vessels to guide us towards our utmost capability to thrive.  Mental illness, therefore, is an illness like no other and I will continue to fight to erase all stigma.

But, wait there's more!  

As a former Christian fundamentalist with less years in than out, I stand in the gap for those coming out of such life-style, am a proud Ex-Fundie Safety Zone, and hold space during the emotionally fraught process of deconstruction.  

As a survivor of domestic abuse and intimate partner violence from a myriad of sources, I align myself with other survivors whether within my circle of friends or without for the express purpose that together we may help each other heal, overcome, reign victorious, and truly thrive.

Katy Perry - Roar (Lyrics)

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (Hey)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up (Hey)

Get ready cause I had enough

Proceeds from the sales of this merchandise will benefit The Trevor Project & NAMI-Southern Oregon.

https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/

https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy/

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

https://namisouthernoregon.org/

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part One. TW: Mental Health, Domestic Violence, Child Abuse

 

Part One: Kanye and Bipolar Disorder

Over the next several days, I will carefully and thoughtfully recount my experiences being one with bipolar and ptsd rage as well as a victim of such as spouse and child.

Over the past several weeks, I have kept a loose eye on the Kanye/Kim saga and let its impact bring reflection my own history with mental illness, domestic violence, and child abuse.  For each of these, I have a personal connection and understanding, as I have been both perpetrator and victim. To begin with, I must assert that the violence I perpetrated and have had done towards me was mostly verbal, emotional, and mental, however, that does not lessen the impact and in someways it makes it worse.  Abusers use the mental and emotional abuse with an aim to control and silence their victims, even when situations become physical.  Finally, the most valuable take-away in all of this, is the reality that hurt people hurt people.  Dwelling within our pain can cause us to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously.

In my desire to express full transparency, I must begin with myself and the violence I enacted on others.  I am a person living with Bipolar Type 2, Celiac Disease, and CPTSD.  Because of this, I have lived a long life with frequent reactive, explosive anger outbursts and emotional breakdowns, that are more prevalent during times of intense stress.  Due to being an abuse victim myself, I never learned how to care for myself, to stand up for myself, to express myself, but instead, learned it was safest to keep it all inside.  Not knowing how to do any of the aforementioned, caused the emotional upset to flow outwards like a raging volcano, wounding those who came into its path and to whom it was addressed, killing any future relational connection.  

Okay, quit the flowery language, I'll tell it to you straight.  In my past, now over a decade ago, I have raged at others in the very same ways I see Kanye doing such.  I have screamed curse words and other obsenities violently over the phone at people, left abusive voice messages in this state, sent abusive emails and text messages, as well as social media posts.  

Why do I say this? Not to condone my actions or that of Kanye's, but to express an understanding of the fear and pain within someone who is on this rampage, the lifelong hurt that must have caused such, and the anguish felt when the episode has passed and the realization of just what was done and the negative impact resulting.  For my part, the results were losing my teaching job, getting a restraining order against me, losing dear friends, and a long-term boyfriend.  

I have come so far since these days yet I still have impulses of rage that flare up.  I am learning every day further and further about practicing self care, surrounding myself with healthy connections, forgiveness, and actively practicing mindfulness.  Making amends helps me greatly yet this is not to rekindle the friendship but to lessen the guilt and pain caused by my actions.  

I say all this to shed light on the reality of suffering someone living with Bipolar, in all its variety of mood swings, from mania to anger, has to contend.  It's more than just a chemical reaction, one that can merely be healed with medications, but so much more must be put into effect.   For this reason, I constantly work on myself and help to erase the stigma of mental illness through my transparency so that diagnoses aren't pariah makers or death notes, but one that causes others to look within, to be a witness and a healing agent within their own brokenness, so that outwardly we may all find healing.

Admitting to myself my own dysfunction is the the first step in my recovery, the journey life-long.  Knowing the signs of my illnesses and taking the medication provided is only the first step.  There is a deep well of discovery in digging through the years of pain inflicted upon my younger self, unraveling, releasing, forgiving, healing, truly moving forward and finding my thrive.  

Dwelling within our pain can cause us to hurt others, whether consciously or unconsciously.

https://www.bphope.com/4-things-about-bipolar-anger-you-might-not-know/

What is Bipolar Disorder?

0:11 / 9:44 Bipolar Disorder and Aggression

Bipolar Girl

Section Two: Mental Illness & Domestic Violence (Coming later this week)

 

Chronic

 I have openly spoken in the past about my struggles with my mental health conditions, namely Bipolar Type II as well as CPTSD, not to mention having Celiac Disease which affecting physical, mental, and emotional.  However, recently, for reasons unknown to me, I have begun to experience frequent physical chronic issues, such as fatigue and flu-like symptoms.  Due to these physical issues, cause yet unknown, I have often found myself within the last year, if not longer, days on end, struggling to motivate and needing far more rest, weakening my productivity and ability to work for financial increase.

However, due to this unknown physical strain, lessons have been learned upon my mental and emotional that have strengthened a sense of peace and resolve within.  If the pandemic life taught me anything, it is such that time is what we decree it to be, there is no need to rush through life, always striving to succeed, never fully reaching satisfaction.  During the time of quarantine, both personal and corporate, I have realized the value in trusting in the flow of my inner guidance to help reach my chosen intentions and in such have achieved a sense of peace in prosperity, success being now something vastly different than what it was some two years ago, if not ten or even twenty.  

Thus, due to the issues of chronic illness of any variety, I have found the value in learning and listening to my body and soul's needs for self-care and rest and in that I find the strength to accomplish what is needed for that day, resting in the truth that all else will be achieved in its time. My purpose is to focus in on this present moment and rest in the fullness of that alone.

Moreover, I have discovered the beauty in the cleansing power of physical illness in such that it mirrors that of the spiritual dynamic.  In these last several years, I have witnessed a purge, or rather a cleansing, of a variety of relationship and connection that I once held dear yet proved to be toxic, that which the relation has exceeded its purpose and is necessary to drift away, the lessons learned from the time spent together.  Just as I witnessed both the positive and the pain from this removal, so to the feeling of a fever ravaging the body as it burns away the physical mirrors the cleansing of the soul.

In my deconstructive journey out of fundamentalism, I have come to the conclusion that, in a very real sense, all paths lead to God, something which my former fundie teachers would look at with dismay.  But, upon my journey from the trappings of fundie Christianity, I spent time looking into a variety of other spiritual practices and world religion, and what I discovered was that similar wordings, rhetoric, teachings, and methods were used across all variety of belief, whether pagan or organized.  Thus, my conclusion was such that the true purpose of living is seeking something beyond ourselves and such there is truth to the belief of the spiritual.  Thus, I see this time of chronic suffering, whether it be the physical fever or the pang of anxiety, as a means of cleansing, refinement, and clarity within.

In that, basing my intentions of purpose secured around my wellness journey, all is reached in the time it is meant to be.

Defining Bravery

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words doWhen they settle 'neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

It is a very heartwarming that the reality of mental illness within us all is now becoming more acceptable to speak upon, yet sometimes at the extent of using for one's own personal gain.  I have seen this in my life and friendships, using one's mental health as a 'get out of jail free' card when it comes to set obligations.  

Recently, Olympic athlete, Simone Biles, was lauded for her bravery of stepping back from competing due to her mental health issues. While I agree that speaking out about one's issues in a culture that until recently has stigmatized, silenced, and pushed back into darkness that of mental illness, is an act of bravery, I see her decision to return to compete and stand up holding the bronze as even more brave.  Because despite her suffering, she did not quit, she did not use the 'mental health get of jail free' card, but persevered onward.  That will be more vital to her mental health recovery as well as to that of others in the world in the erasure of stigma and encouragement of others to bravely perserevere in their recovery journeys. 

That said, recently in my local area, another individual stepped forward in a very brave way that, in my opinion, advanced the cause of the erasing stigma and raising awareness for mental health advocacy.  A young 24 year old man, Kristopher Clay, who worked as a janitor at a local high school and was already suffering with a mental health condition, took himself to the police station before committing a heinous crime.

It is the fact of our present day reality that mass-shootings are a common horror, including that at our schools, ranging from elementary through university.  Kristopher Clay was, as he put it, having 'homicidal thoughts' and had made plans and stockpiled weapons to commit this heinous crime at his place of employment.  However, it was obstructed and did not occur, why, because he stepped forward, destraught with immense fear of his own inner demons, nonetheless he bravely fought against.  

Now, I do not want to equate homicide with that of athletic competition, but the fact of the matter is, mental illness is a varied package, from mere anxiety to delusional thinking, and yet all are under the umbrella of psychological disorder.  

Therefore, before others may seek to downplay the step that Clay took and want to label him as 'crazy', which is no doubt understandable due to his thoughts and plans, I assert the positive step he took, in his own act of bravery, to halt the duranged thoughts in his mind, to seek help not just for himself but for those threatened.  

For very personal reasons, I know fully how difficult it is to fight against the darkness of  your own mind and demonic thoughts, to not give in, but strive each day for wholeness and health.  For this reason, I applaud Kristopher Clay as brave.  He will and is facing consequences of the preparation for the crime, but it will be not as drastic as what could have been had he succumbed to his weakness.  Not only that, in addition, he will be able to continue his journey toward recovery and, in that, this moment of his life will be a beacon of light shining out of the darkness that mental illness no longer shall be hidden or perceived scary and that recovery is possible.

Brave

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle 'neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Mental Illness Ain't No Excuse!

"I'm sorry, my anxiety is too much for me, I can't make it!"

"But, I need this for my mental health, so I can't make it."

Its been twelve years since I received my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder Type 1, ten years since I found the magnet with the phrase, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail", and said to myself, I'd get better.  And, thus the journey began.

Throughout this journey, its been an adventure full of many highs and many lows.  I have learned how to face and fight against the stigma that comes from misunderstanding mental illness and wanting to keep it in the dark.  I have faced the the judgment of being an openly mentally ill individual, one who is increasingly living well as a person with bipolar disorder.  

I have learned to make healthy choices and set appropriate boundaries to maintain balance, stability, and positive health goals.  I have studied in many different ways and aspects to constantly improve and navigate what it means to be healthy, from therapy of all forms, learning about proper nutrition and exercise, actively promoting sufficient sleep patterns for myself, managing my time to ensure I have proper self-care, and reading ample amount of books on a variety of self-help focus, from spiritual to psychological, it runs the gamut.  

It hasn't always been easy.  I've gone for years where I felt lost, I've allowed toxic people and groups to over-run, control, and silence me.  I've had to experience my voice drowning out in the despair of abuse.  And, then despite these difficulties and the mood instability, I've broken free and grown better.  

I have learned, specifically in this last year, that I have developed, for a myriad of reasons, the ability to doubt and reject the love given to me.  Yes, I am a person that loves freely and gives it abundantly, but I have grown used to in years previous having my love taken for granted, smashed brutally on the rocky terrain of abuse, leaving my soul shattered in a wasteland of tragic depression.

But, I rise.  I get up through some force not fully known to me.  I keep on the focus, knowing I'm meant for more.  I continually study and analyze myself, learning to value and strengthen my self worth and ability to receive love.  

I do all this while not only pursuing my artistic ambitions, or rather, my true calling in life, but also by maintaining the various survival occupations I do in order to live, pay my bills, while waiting the next acting related opportunity or audition.  Do I complain? I try my hardest not to.  In contrary, I have learned to balance my life so as not to spread myself too thin and to communicate openly my needs in an honest, straightforward, non-manipulative fashion.

This has been my life for the last twelve years and will continue to be.  I will grow more and more comfortable and able to thrive, not merely survive, I know this.  Why am I saying this, writing this for all to read? Not to garner sympathy or to endeavor to create a victim mentality for myself, I assure you.  But, because as an actor and now a producer, I have witnessed many, mostly, younger actors expressing the excuse to not come to rehearsal or a film shoot because of their anxiety, they need to take the day off.

Now, I am not meaning to seem like I have a lack of compassion or understanding, because believe me I know all too well the effects of anxiety.  I do know how it feels to work tirelessly at a low paying job while trying to live a happy life, barely scraping by feeling like you are falling more and more into the perilous poverty line, sacrificing your dreams merely to exist.  I know the stress caused by having to go without.  I get it, I do. 

However...

Recall 2007? A very infamous pop star known as Britney Spears had a very public break-down and the word "Bipolar" was carelessly tossed around to describe her.  Whether she has that diagnosis has never publicly been proclaimed but it would appear to be appropriate, however, I will not label her as such.   Only to say that at the time of her emotional struggles, I was in the throes of my intense period of emotional struggle.  It felt as if there was no end in sight.  Despite not ever really being a fan of Britney, I hungrily devoured any information I could find about her at that time.  I felt a kinship with her like never before.  

What was the public reaction to Britney's break at the time?  Was it to come around her and empower her to make the choice to recover and heal? No.  It was mockery, shame, tabloid photos of her in all sorts of unflattering position, resulting in more of her unstable moments.  I feel for her now, I've been there.  Here was a woman, who from a very early age, had been subject to the stress of overwork and constant public exposure, having to maintain the right image while most likely hiding the increasing debilitation of her emotional struggles, until the heartbreak of the loss of her husband caused her the break that made her spiral out of control, until rock bottom occurred.

At the same token, I was finding my way into an organization called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and meeting with friends who like me had mental health conditions, as it were.  At that time, one of the topics we would discuss in our support groups was the stigma surrounding our illnesses in society.  "Mental Illness is an Illness like none other," we'd quote, in our diligence to fight against this debilitating reality.  But, constantly we'd express how when applying for a job, we could never explain long stretches of unemployment, having to give some excuse as "just couldn't find a job" and never "I took some time off to heal from a mental health break".  We could never call in to work because of "anxiety" without the recourse of losing our job or facing the judgment of boss and co-workers alike.  We'd have to happily take very part-time jobs, 2 or 3 hours a day, without explaining why so we could focus the rest of the time on our mental health and self care.  We could only express and be open about our mental health conditions with others who struggled and lived as such.

Knowing this, what are my friends and even Ms. Spears doing in our day to day lives.  Are we using our mental illness as an excuse and a crutch to not fulfill our responsibilities? No, we are merely living our lives day to day, with a quiet determination to pursue our best lives and create our most healthy selves.  We are not bragging or emphasizing our mental health discrepancies, we are simply living well with them.  They are not our identity, merely a part of us. 

Now, I know that some of this is still true today and that, despite advances in acceptance of mental illness, stigma still lives and we still have a fight ahead of us.  Yet, I am very elated by the advancements in the movements to overcome the injustices and biases, such as the Black Lives Movement, #metoo movement, and the semi-colon movement.  All of these have given individuals the ability to openly express themselves, their struggles and insecurities.

In this, I fear that the backlash has been an overuse of the buzz words as an excuse to get out of jail free card.  And, I want to express to these individuals the pathway that got us here and even more-so the detriment that applies when this reasoning is given.  For starters, by using this excuse and not honoring your own needs before committing to a project, you continually perpetuate your own suffering, for if you are always succeeding at the "getting out of jail free card" without any recourse, you won't be able to truly overcome.  Secondly, the stress that is caused when you don't show up for rehearsal, work, or what may be, on the rest of those involved causes a strain on their mental health.  This, then, returns back to you causing your anxiety to increase.  

Please understand now that I truly do empathize and also does society.  But, from what I have learned, the best lesson in life is experience.  Before committing fully to a project, look over your life, your needs and what you can do, examine these times of the past when you have over-committed and had to back out, recall how it made you feel and made others feel, and do the right thing, if you need to, and openly back out.  I promise you that in the long run more respect will be given to you and relationships will remain fully intact.  Not only that, but through this process of self-examination, you will develop a healthier life-style, one of which will enable you to overcome your difficulties and continue to help the fight to reduce the effects of stigma.

The saying goes, honesty is the best policy and its true, in life and in our mental health.  By doing so, we can come together to achieve a better world for ourselves and for future generations.  

The Way I am

Use Your Words

I am committed to writing once a week but this week I had a surge of thoughts that fueled the need for my creativity in the blog-world. 

I've been thinking a lot about words and how we use them for our benefit and our detriment.  (Funny enough, I'm a writer so this is a good thing.)

Often times, I hear people say "I'll worry about that later" in a casual way referring to a certain act or duty that they can focus on later.  But when you think about it, the word that stands out to me is, well, worry.  Are you truly going to "worry" about that later? Are you planning to have a major anxiety attack when such and such occurs where you have to finish that task?

That's what I'm saying.  The meaning behind worry is that of anxiousness, fretting, despair. We use it in such a casual way without thought.  But I think words have power in our psyche and those around us.  How about changing that sentence to, "I'll focus on that later".  Try it.  I have and I have found definitely more peace of mind in my daily activities.

Which brings me to another more important usage of wordings, one that is far more prevalent to my way of being personally and closely attached to a cause I feel strongly about.  I have been open about my mental health condition, that of Bipolar 2 and the journey therein.  This year I have once again joined forces with my local NAMI chapter, (NAMI-SO), and am an IOOV (In Our Own Voice) presenter, traveling from location to location sharing about my journey through recovery and that of finding myself.

Chances are, you have read or heard me express this statement, "I have Bipolar Type 2".  This is significant in that I do not say "I am Bipolar".  One wouldn't say "I am cancer" or "I am diabetes".  An individual is not their diagnosis, mental or physical.  My identity lies in who I am and how I choose to define myself.  My mental health condition is just one facet of who I am, not the whole picture.

The other key factor I'd like to express in the usage of words is the prevalence in our society today to blatantly misuse the diagnoses of mental health conditions as adjectives.  We hear frequently, "I'm being so OCD" or "She is so bipolar", or "its very schizophrenic of me".  Its hard to express how very wrong this is to someone without a mental health diagnosis of any variety.  How insulting and belittling it can be.  But, I will try.

Once again, we do not use the words of physical illnesses in this way. And, yes, I know that physical illnesses do not generally attempt to describe characteristics as mental illnesses do, but the same rules apply as above.  For reasons due to stigma, fear, and ignorance, society has separated mental illnesses from other illnesses entirely, even to go so far as to not consider it an actual illness.

Society has come so far.  Usages of words that were casually tossed around in my youth and before, such as comments based on sexual orientation, race, have been given the red mark of approval and a person who uses those in a flippant fashion is marked as bigot.  But, the wordings around mental illness remains very much alive.  Its the last frontier in finding true equality in my mind.

Here's my challenge: when you find yourself about to use a mental health condition, such as the ones listed above or others, stop yourself and think: Can I really imagine what it is like to be a person suffering with such a disorder? Would I want to hear my diagnosis passed around with such disregard if I were a person with such condition? and more so, What if there is someone in my surroundings that has this condition or another who is afraid to come out about it and this would lessen their recovery journey even more?

Questions to ponder.  I hope this blog gives you pause to think and that you begin to, in fact, use your words.

Begin/End

As I look back over my life, I'm amazed that my life has been a constant stream of beginnings and endings, death of the old and the dawn of the new life, as it were.  From entering preschool to the day I graduated high school or college, to the day I walked into Calvary Chapel, to the time I walked out of Calvary Chapel, my wedding day and that fateful day I received my final divorce papers, and on and on it goes.

A particular crushing beginning and ending is the moment I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.   Looking back at myself during that time,  it felt more like the end of it all rather than any sort of beginning.  The end of my career, the end of so many friendships, the end of my sense of self, and almost the end of my life; however today I realize it was, in fact, the dawn of a new sense of self.

A nearby Jewish temple has a "tree of life" stained glass window at the front of their sanctuary.  During the times that I have gone to this temple, for whatever reason, I always find myself transfixed by this image.  The Tree of Life is a design similar to a DNA strand, the bottom part being the beginning and the top part the final resolution.  It's the middle part that really fascinates me.  The middle part being the times of our lives when we struggle to persevere, work our way through hard times, and once we find our way out, find that by working through all of it, our new lives, our real selves, emerge.

The Climb

Today there is a new trend called the "semicolon" movement.  This thrills me completely.  The thought that this ; can signify a person's need to take a break for their mental health is a victory in my eyes.  For I have long sense seen myself as one who goes before, a role model as it were to future generations.  During my time of struggling with my mental illness, there was no such thing as the 'semicolon' movement.   My friends and I who were diagnosed and struggling during that time had to deal with the disapproval of family, friends, and society for having to pause from life.  In addition to dealing with debilitating depression, the rapid mood swings, the suicidal ideation, and sometimes the high highs, we had to face the societal stigma of mental illness.

So, what did we do? We fought.  We stood up and were open and honest with ourselves and the world around at us.  We did it for our own health, our own happiness, and our own futures.  We fought against the backlash of stigma.  And, in the end, we stand victorious with those struggling now showing that they too can overcome.  We stand as beacons of hope, those who have gone through it and survived, and even more so, are thriving.

So, the endings in my life are not always that.  They are also beginnings.

The Story of My Life

Divine Lunacy: Not To Sell, But To Tell

Divine Lunacy

It's not easy to write a play, let alone a musical, that not only entertains but has a meaningful and powerful message that impacts society as a whole but writer and director Peter Quince does a fine job with his "Divine Lunacy".  Along with the beautifully composed songs by David Gabriel, the delightful production is a masterpiece that strikes a deeper and more meaningful chord than that of "normal theatre".  Peter Quince and David Gabriel write just as the people that they are, honest, pure, real souls whose emotions are ever present and live a life of "what you see is what you get".  And that's just what Divine Lunacy, the musical comedy, truly is; blending musical theatre with truthful "straight" theatre that brings to light the issues behind mental illness, human suffering, and survival.  

In truth, general audiences and theatre-goers may find the storyline hard to comprehend.  But to suspend that judgment, knowing that what they're seeing is truly not the normal theatrical experience, but something more truthful, more profound, more necessary.  This is truly the reason theatre began in the first place to impact viewers with a life-changing message that alters society as a whole.

Each of the four actors, David Gabriel, Nathan Monks, Rose Passione, and Kaitie Warner, give inspiring and truthful performances.  Not only do they look like they are enjoying themselves but they really believe in the story and the message.  As Monks character says, its "not to sell, but to tell". Furthermore, Gabriel and Warner give scene-stealing performances.  Rose Passione's beautiful voice and truthful acting is a powerful force throughout the play.  Nathan Monks gives a compelling performance as Davy/Joey, the protagonist who spirals between mania, psychosis, and depression. The set, designed by Gabriel Ash, assists this in detailing the flashes between reality and delusion.  The songs add to the story by continuing this thread of the story-telling with compassion, honesty, and the effect of mental illness on all involved. 

It is then the audiences who are familiar with mental illness, either personally or as a loved one who will be the most profoundly affected by Divine Lunacy.  It is a story that should be told, a message that is greatly needed to bring light to the suffering of those with mental illnesses and their loved ones and to help bring about awareness for better resources, advocacy, and, most importantly, healing. 

Even with no diagnosis, one can find pause to see themselves in the journey of Joey or Davy.  As one of the characters quips, "Everyone is sane until you get to know them."  

Tickets for Divine Lunacy can be purchased here: http://www.divinelunacy.org/#div3

Like Divine Lunacy on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lunacydivine?fref=ts

Divine Lunacy is written by Peter Quince, with a musical score composed by David Gabriel.  The show stars Nathan Monks, Rose Passione, David Gabriel, and Kaitie Warner.  The show runs through October 25th at the Temple Emek Shalom in Ashland, Oregon. 

Cafe Girl: A Story of Coffee, Sex, Cigarettes, & True Love

Act One, Scene Seven

(James is in his apartment, frantically looking around, he's got a backpack and he's stuffing it with random articles, clothing, books, food, etc, Deborah enters through front door and stands watching for a minute.)

Deborah:

Hello.

James:

Hi.

(points to kitchen)

There's a note on the counter. We're through. (Deborah crosses to counter, reads note, looks at him)

Deborah:

James, let's sit down and talk.

(motions to couch)

James:

Talk? We've talked enough. We're through. I have to get out of here, Away from you. For my own safety.

Deborah:

Why? What have I done?

James:

(approaching her, backing her onto couch and leaning over her)

If you don't know by now, you're even more clueless than I thought.

(holds fist in her face)

You see this mark? You did this, when I was asleep, had them come in, put a chip in me.

Deborah:

Who? What? Why?

James:

Just like in New Orleans, its happening again...

(grabs head)

The buzzing.  The buzzing. Why are you lying to me? I know the truth now, Deborah. You are one of them.

Deborah:

I'm not. Remember, the cafe. End of the Universe. Its me.

(James moves to coffee table, picks it up and dumps it over, storms downstage, Deborah follows him and stands beside him, he doesn't look at her.)

James, calm down, you are not yourself...I know you.

(There is a knock at the door. Deborah moves to answer. James stops her.)

James:

If you really knew me, you wouldn't have done what you did.

Deborah:

I have to get the door--

(James grabs her arm. Knock again.)

James:

This is the end. All my friends see it, you're crazy---

Deborah:

What friends?

(Another knock, then door opens, Matthew, Shaggy, Ray, and Thomas stand in doorway, holding beer.  Neither James nor Deborah notice them.)

James:

Our friends, Matthew, Shaggy, all of them. They are so done with you.

(He faces audience.)

Deborah:

That can't be.

(She steps in front of him.)

James:

Its true. They are done with you, they don't believe in...fairy tales anymore. End of the Universe is over. Its over. We're over.

(after a moment)

We are through.

(He backs her up, but she trips and falls on the ground.)

Deborah:

James!

James:

YOU HEAR ME! WE'RE THROUGH. I'M DONE, WE'RE DONE.

(He holds up a fist in front of her, as if daring her to stop him, when she does nothing, he grabs a nearby chair, picks it up gets ready to throw it, but M, S, T, & R run over and pull him back.)

WE'RE DONE!

(M,S,T,&R hold James back.)

Deborah:

((quietly) )

Go.

James:

What?

Deborah:

Go, just go, then. You're...sick. You're not...yourself. There is nothing...I can't help you. This isn't working.

(She falls to the ground.)

James:

(breaks away)

Now you see.

Deborah:

You're sick, you know that.

(Matthew steps between Deborah and James, trying to stop him.)

James:

You're sick.

(to Matthew)

She's sick.

Matthew:

James!

Deborah:

(getting up and grabbing his backpack)

Go, just go. Go now, please. GO!!! JUST GO!!!!

(James looks at her, turns, opens door, slams his fist, and leaves, silence.  She sits on the ground, motionless.)

Matthew:

(crossing to her)

Deb?

Deborah:

(sitting on bed)

Matthew? He's gone.

Matthew:

I saw.

Deborah:

I...I...I...did it. I..kicked him out.

Matthew:

I know.

(He helps her stand and walks her over to the bed, sits with her.)

Shaggy:

Where do you think he's gone?

Deborah:

I...don't know.

Shaggy:

We should go after him.  Make sure he's safe.

Deborah:

Yes please, do that.

(Ray crosses to her and hands her a beer.)

Ray:

Here.  Looks like you might need this.

Deborah:

(takes it, but doesn't open it.)

Thanks.

Shaggy:

Come on.

(motions to M, T, R).

Deborah:

Matthew, can you...stay?

Matthew:

Yeah.

(turns to Shaggy)

Call me when you find out--

Deborah:

Guys?

(M,S,T,&R turn toward her.  Silence as she takes them in.)

Just wanted to say...Thank you.

Shaggy:

Yeah, well, you're one of us, right? Come on, guys.

(S,T,&R exit. Matthew crosses down to Deborah.)

Matthew:

How are you?

Deborah:

He said, you told him to leave me. He said you were on his side---

Matthew:

Well, no.  You can see that...I just said you guys should give each other space, that's all.

Deborah:

I did give him space. I did...I tried...

Matthew:

I know, I know.  Not your fault.

Deborah:

Now what?

Matthew:

What can I do?

Deborah:

Just make me feel...just sit here with me, okay?

Matthew:

(after a moment)

Remember...remember the first time we met? At the cafe? It was late, the end of the day, you came in wanting---

Deborah:

Coffee for my room-mate. You sold me moka java, your favorite. And, I said...nice to meet you.

Matthew:

So did I.

Deborah:

Yeah.  Then later I said, something like, I think this is going to be an interesting relationship.

Matthew:

And it was, it is. That was the night of the first snow, right?

Deborah:

Yeah, it was beautiful. All those walks we took.  They were all like that.

Matthew:

I took you to that look out.

Deborah:

Yes.  It was--

Matthew:

Yeah. It still is.

Deborah:

We should go there again sometime.

Matthew:

Yeah.

(silence, motions to her beer.)

May I?

(She hands it to him, he opens it and takes a swig, hands it to her.  She sips, hands it back.)

Deborah:

It's like Shaggy used to always say--

Matthew:

The government is out to get you.

Deborah:

No, no, no, not that.  Please not that. No, the other thing--

Matthew:

Never give up--

Deborah:

the fight.  Yeah, that's right. I never really understood that.  And, how he was always singing "Damn it used to be a gangster" like everywhere we went.

(They both laugh.)

You know, what is his real name anyway?

Matthew:

(laughing)

Oh, that's classified information. (zips mouth.)

Deborah:

So, what now, Matthew?

Matthew:

I don't know.  Maybe we take down the governmen--

(cringes)

Sorry.

Deborah:

You ever finish your pilot's license testing?

Matthew:

Yep, I can fly.

Deborah:

Really? You always said you would take me up.

Matthew:

You were always...busy.

(Silence, they sip beer.)

We can now.  We can go anywhere.  I've always wanted to see so many places, you know, like New Orleans--

Deborah:

No, not New Orleans.  Never New Orleans.

(silence.)

You said you'd take me to Mexico, is that still all right?

Matthew:

Yeah, sure. We can do that.

(Deborah leans against him.)

Deborah:

You know, I love you, right?

Matthew:

You're all right yourself.

Deborah:

You always used to say that, but I get it now. I know what you're really saying.

Matthew:

It's true.

(His phone rings. He stands, pulls it out of pocket, answers.)

Hello?

(listens.)

God, no.

(listens.)

Okay, um, just call me when you find out more.  Thanks.

(hangs up.)

Deborah:

What is it?

Matthew:

(after a moment, sits.)

It was Shaggy.  They found James.  He wasn't himself, you know, he was in the street and a truck hit him, like a semi or something.  Ambulance came and--

(Deborah screams, Matthew grabs her.)

Matthew:

I've got you.  I've got you.

(He strokes her hair as she sobs.) L

Lights fade.  End of Act One.

Falling In Love at a Coffee Shop

Cafe Girl: A Story of Coffee, Sex, Cigarettes, & True Love

Don't Speak

Act One, Scene Four

( (Downstage right, at the Bear, Matthew, Maggie, and Deborah sit together.))


Matthew:

So, what happened? You called at like the crack of dawn this morning?

((Deborah is silent, sits staring)

What's going on?

Deborah:

He left, last night late. I don't know where he is.

Maggie:

What? James, who?

Matthew:

What happened?

Deborah:

He was angry. He gets that way, sometimes. But, its getting worse. Sometimes its good, then its not. I never know when...I walk on eggshells, even when its good. Its not like I remember him.

Matthew:

Did you do anything?

Deborah:

I don't know, I don't know. He says the strangest things. Have you ever seen anything with him?

Maggie:

Honestly, yeah, I have. He hasn't been the same for awhile. But, then I thought he's always been a little, different.

Deborah:

He gets really angry at me, for little things....

Matthew:

Has he ever, you know, hurt you?

Deborah:

No, but he's thrown things at me...

Matthew:

Did they hit you?

Deborah:

( (pulling up leg and revealing bruise)

Yeah...

Maggie:

Oh my...

Matthew:

Wow.

Deborah:

What do I do now? What do I do? Its like Madonna sang in Evita, "What do I do for our dreams to survive?" What do I do? Tell me, please, because I don't know anymore.

Maggie:

You keep fighting.

Deborah:

Fighting? For what? There's nothing left of me, in me. What am I fighting for? Really, I don't know. For us? Its in the past, I see that now. You can't reclaim what once was...I wish we could go back to...the golden road, the good times. But, who am I fighting for now? What am I fighting for?

Matthew:

Deborah, I don't know what to say.

Maggie:

For yourself.  You fight for you, the only person that matters.

Deborah:

Yeah, yeah, fight. Never give up.  Whatever.

((Maggie reaches for her hand,takes it, lights fade. Lights fade in again to Matthew, at the Bear, now sitting with James, Shaggy, Ray, and Thomas.))

Shaggy:

((to Ray and Thomas))

Hey guys, how long you in town?

Ray:

Just for a few days. Got to pick up some more, um, supplies.

Thomas:

Supplies?

Ray:

You know, food, water, clothes, camping stuff, and you know, beer.

( (All laugh.))

Shaggy:

How's the wife and kids, Thomas?

Thomas:

Kids are fine.  But wife is...no more.

((looks at Ray. He holds up empty ring finger.))

Its like this.

Shaggy:

Oh shit I am sorry to hear that.

Thomas:

How's school, Shaggy?

Shaggy:

Oh, you know, going all right. One more year to go. Got a full-time job with NASA lined up once I get down. And the girl, of course, she wants to get married, then.

Thomas:

Well, it ain't all what its cracked up to be, marriage, that is.

James:

Hear, hear.

Thomas:

But, it ain't all that bad either, really.

James:

You're working for NASA?

Shaggy:

Yeah, isn't that ironic?

James:

But, don't you know about them? Don't you remember what you used to tell us?

Shaggy:

Oh well, now that I see it from the inside, it really isn't like that--

James:

But, the evidence---

Shaggy:

Is not really that important anymore. If you want to make a difference, you've got to get in the trenches, you know the inside out kinda thing, you got to stop believing in theories in order to fight--

James:

Really?

Shaggy:

In order to find the truth, not just theories, that is.  You can't live your life afraid, running away all the time.  You gotta get in there, and well, fight at some point.

Matthew:

Never give up the fight, right, Shaggy?

James:

I just can't believe it, man.

Shaggy:

How are things with you and Deborah, James?

James:

She is...crazy.

Shaggy:

Well, we all knew that but Deborah was, she was Deborah, you know, sweet.

James:

You don't know her like I do.

Shaggy:

Yeah, but that was always the case---

James:

Its not that, you just don't know.

Shaggy:

Um, okay, man, just calm down.

Matthew:

James, relationships are hard. You guys just need to take space is all---

James:

Space? Right, like that'll happen.

Matthew:

So, where is she...right now?

((James shrugs.))

Matthew:

You don't know, do you? So, proves my point that---

James:

That what? You on her side?

Matthew:

She'd give you space, is all. If you wanted.

James:

You don't know her like I do, is all.

Shaggy:

What has she exactly done? I want to know.

James:

You on her side?

Shaggy:

I'm not on anyone's side, but I just want to know--

James:

She come to you---

Matthew:

Yeah, Maggie and I talked to her--

James:

Listen.  I've tried to have patience with her but she just doesn't listen, you know.  I've tried to help her, to understand.  I swear I've lost so much weight because she can't really cook.  Its better if I just don't eat rather than die of poisoning or something..

Thomas:

Now, hold on--

James:

Even accidentally! I'm telling you, she's not all there.  Not like she was back in the day. She takes meds now, you know, from a psychiatrist. They've messed her up.  She's like one of them now.

Shaggy:

No, she's one of us.

((chants) )

One of us. One of us. One of us. (laughs) Come on, man,don't be crazy, you can't possibly believe that Deborah would do anything to hurt---

James:

((getting up))

You don't know her like I do!

((He exits, silence.))

Thomas:

What just happened? What is going on?

Shaggy:

Something isn't right there, man, not at all.

Matthew:

Yeah, I know, I know.

Shaggy:

Should we do something?

Matthew:

Like what?

Ray:

Have you talked to her?

Matthew:

A little.

Ray:

And?

Matthew:

She doesn't know what to do either. I'm trying to stay neutral, you know, but...I don't know.

Ray:

Why don't we go over there, then? You know, get some beer, play go, like old times?

(Lights fade out.)

We are the Alphas!

Alphas Theme Song

My boyfriend, Michael, recently got me into the TV show, Alphas, which I readily complied to do, as I continue my quest to become savvy in all things pop culture.

Alphas tells the story of 5 individuals with exceptional mental powers that makes them different than the general population and shows how they came to accept, control, and maintain these powers for the good of mankind.  With them for support both career-wise and therapeutically is their psychiatrist who runs the operation, as they seek to work as crime-fighters dealing with others of their kind out in the world who don't understand who they are or how to control their powers.

Watching it, I couldn't help find the comparison to a real life mental issues as well as struggles, those individuals, like myself, with documented and all too frequently undocumented mental illnesses.  Throughout my life, and those of my closest friends, we have struggled to understand why we are they we were, trying to fit into the mainstream society with the awkward and failed attempts to control our issues which all too soon resulted in 'the breakdown'.  But this breakdown, although hard and painful, became a blessing in disguise, as we learned gratefully that we are not alone and learned to appreciate our weaknesses and develop them as strengths for the betterment of the world.

One way we do this is by support and advocacy of those less fortunate than us, those in the throes of their illnesses, struggling to be set free as we have become.

A few years back, my friends and I gathered every Thursday around noon in a beautiful garden setting under leafing trees with sunlight spilling forth to discuss our lives, our struggles, and find healing.  Along the way, life-long friendships developed with the mutual life-purpose and understanding that we are, indeed, uniquely endowed with special gifts.

In that, I profess to you that my friends and I are truly...

The Alphas!

NAMI

Don't let life "Pass" you by...

Hi! My name is Angel Seraphina, but a lot of people call me Princess because I wear this funny crown on my head, including the bus driver who drives my bus to school every day.  I like it for a lot of reasons but mainly because it makes me feel good, like how I've always wanted to be treated.  The crown is a reminder of my ability to downgrade myself and as my psycho-shrink says, "it will remind me to find more value in my own worth" blah de blah blah blah.

I was diagnosed with severe depression a few years back, when I was 18, around the time my father had a heart attack.  Life seemed pretty easy going until then, or so it seemed.  There was more lying under the surface that I didn't know about, or didn't want to see, isn't that how it always is?

Anyway, my father used to call me "His Princess" when I was a little girl and drive me around town while I sipped on the best strawberry shake in town.  After his death, I spiraled quickly into a mental breakdown, increased even more by my mother's second marriage.  I started regressing and was put into therapy, which helped me realize my father was abusive sexually to me as a child, which, in turn, caused more regression, as I struggled failingly to hide that truth and return to a more "innocent time".

This brought on the intense depression which then was followed by a suicide attempt which landed me into the psych ward...when I was released from there, I began my life again with school, with promises to continue therapy and take my medications.  Not wanting to go back there, I decided to try...and find my place in the world.

Riding the bus at one point was a source of high anxiety but has now been a victory for me, brought on even more by the friends' I meet who care enough to really see my value and importance, ie my royalty. Case in point, my friend, Tommy, who carries a lawn chair for me to sit in, like the princess I truly am, while waiting for our bus to arrive.

And, so in turn, I want to help them.  Or see if I can...

Find out how I help them this Saturday, February 15th and Sunday, February 16th at 7 pm at Paschal Winery in Talent, Oregon at the Paschal Readings, directed by Michael Meyer.

http://www.paschalwinery.com/

Princess, ie Angel, is based on a character from local Rogue Valley playwright, Cynthia Rogan's play, Pass, showing this Saturday and Sunday.

https://www.facebook.com/events/703614122993149/?ref_dashboard_filter=calendar