In this episode, I begin by updating on my recovery status from breast reduction surgery, then launch into the journal, giving a basic day to day on life as a young 12 year old heading into middle school, but then take a turn when I reveal my heart for Night Court and acting, and the loneliness that comes from not being able to voice who I really am, which began even way back then.
FanGirlHour: https://anchor.fm/fangirling
Wedding Dress: https://www.mercari.com/us/item/m59506542035/
Elizabeth Suzanne: Help Elizabeth Return To Her Thrive & Pursue Her Dreams: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-return-elizabeth-to-her-thrive
DJ Michael J. Hearne: DJ Michael J. Hearne, funds go to help secure ongoing housing so focus can be on job stability:
https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-michael-and-meme-thrive
Showing posts with label childhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childhood. Show all posts
Saturday, May 7, 2022
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Youth IS Wasted on the Young!
Love's Discovery...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xzsY2vkEMM
Its so interesting how memories can be brought back by the simplest of associates; the way the air feels on an early Spring afternoon, the sunlight beaming like stars off a ripply lake brings up emotions from times past both good and bad.
Today, with the warm spring sun and soft breeze, I was reminded of high school days, spring days where we waited anxiously for summer, donned prom dresses, not wedding gowns, pinned on corsages, rode in limos, ate at fancy restaurants where the other guests fawned all over us as we reminded them of nostalgic times gone by (as I do now...). All this floated through my thoughts as I busied myself through the day, far away I was with the memory of a sort of high school sweetheart once love. John. Only I didn't know I loved him.
He was my best friend from 10th grade--12th grade. When we met as awkward new to the dating scene 15 year olds, he was new in the school, a small school where everyone had grown up together, and quickly developed a crush on me. We were kindred spirits and spent every night talking; after homework had been finished (sometimes during) about everything from high school gossip to making fun of, or rather analyzing the Power Rangers. (Yes, I watched that show. Religiously).
In a sense, we were falling in love and didn't know it, well, he thought he did and I didn't really want to see it.
Looking back over my 35 years of life, my one and only regret is that I spent too much time looking inward, dwelling on and ruminating on stuff I can't even remember now, and not truly appreciating what I had right before me, the friends more than the experiences.
Granted in childhood, I was in a fragile place with an unstable home life, which made going into myself a survival instinct and truly I cannot begrudge my past self of this, since I spent so much of that life berating and hating myself, thus don't wish to dump anymore unneeded garbage on her. Nor do I want to sit here and dwell on what could have been...
I only want to express the importance of just being, living in the moment. Getting out of our heads, as a good director of mine once advised, and to truly cherish the life and love given to us in the present. And to live a life focused on pursuing our dreams and not settling for what another's opinion of my life should dictate.
I believe now, whole-heartedly, in living this life, being fully connected, centered with self, the universe, my art, and those close to me that are on the same path at present. To learn from, teach, and be loved and love in return.
I have said before that it is best to say "I love you" more times than never because you never know when that loved one will be gone. But now to add to that, I think that my life's focus now even more than loving others (I think I've got that down) but now in taking the time to love myself, do what I want, follow my heart, indulge myself without feeling guilty....
It is this I leave the readers with, and myself: Be fully alive, fully present. Seek to enjoy life for all its gifts, good and bad, whatever the course it takes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwnoNVOj1Fs
For in the past, this cost me much, not in the least a lost love...
Yes. John, I get it now. What you were trying to tell me for so many years? So there it is. You are one of my biggest regrets.
And yes, at least I admit too late maybe but here it is:
I love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUgwM1Ky228
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xzsY2vkEMM
Its so interesting how memories can be brought back by the simplest of associates; the way the air feels on an early Spring afternoon, the sunlight beaming like stars off a ripply lake brings up emotions from times past both good and bad.
Today, with the warm spring sun and soft breeze, I was reminded of high school days, spring days where we waited anxiously for summer, donned prom dresses, not wedding gowns, pinned on corsages, rode in limos, ate at fancy restaurants where the other guests fawned all over us as we reminded them of nostalgic times gone by (as I do now...). All this floated through my thoughts as I busied myself through the day, far away I was with the memory of a sort of high school sweetheart once love. John. Only I didn't know I loved him.
He was my best friend from 10th grade--12th grade. When we met as awkward new to the dating scene 15 year olds, he was new in the school, a small school where everyone had grown up together, and quickly developed a crush on me. We were kindred spirits and spent every night talking; after homework had been finished (sometimes during) about everything from high school gossip to making fun of, or rather analyzing the Power Rangers. (Yes, I watched that show. Religiously).
In a sense, we were falling in love and didn't know it, well, he thought he did and I didn't really want to see it.
Looking back over my 35 years of life, my one and only regret is that I spent too much time looking inward, dwelling on and ruminating on stuff I can't even remember now, and not truly appreciating what I had right before me, the friends more than the experiences.
Granted in childhood, I was in a fragile place with an unstable home life, which made going into myself a survival instinct and truly I cannot begrudge my past self of this, since I spent so much of that life berating and hating myself, thus don't wish to dump anymore unneeded garbage on her. Nor do I want to sit here and dwell on what could have been...
I only want to express the importance of just being, living in the moment. Getting out of our heads, as a good director of mine once advised, and to truly cherish the life and love given to us in the present. And to live a life focused on pursuing our dreams and not settling for what another's opinion of my life should dictate.
I believe now, whole-heartedly, in living this life, being fully connected, centered with self, the universe, my art, and those close to me that are on the same path at present. To learn from, teach, and be loved and love in return.
I have said before that it is best to say "I love you" more times than never because you never know when that loved one will be gone. But now to add to that, I think that my life's focus now even more than loving others (I think I've got that down) but now in taking the time to love myself, do what I want, follow my heart, indulge myself without feeling guilty....
It is this I leave the readers with, and myself: Be fully alive, fully present. Seek to enjoy life for all its gifts, good and bad, whatever the course it takes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwnoNVOj1Fs
For in the past, this cost me much, not in the least a lost love...
Yes. John, I get it now. What you were trying to tell me for so many years? So there it is. You are one of my biggest regrets.
And yes, at least I admit too late maybe but here it is:
I love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUgwM1Ky228
Thursday, March 15, 2012
The Beauty of Childhood
A little too much gingko yesterday and so much got done, laundry, brownies, healthy dinner, garbage, litterbox....but truly I have found much success from taking my gingko biloba, my memory has definitely sharpened!! Funny thing is, I think I took an extra one because I forgot if I had taken it or not, so what does that say? I don't know...
So, finally, when I laid down to sleep, my mind started drifting off with the swirling cacophony of dreams, somehow I got on those firecrackers we used to have when we were younger, the ones that sparkle and you have to shake in order to keep lit. Which reminded me of a 4th when I was a child, about two or three ( a fact that the gingko is working, if I can remember that!), my mom or dad handed me one of those sparklers and I didn't know what to do with it, until they told me to shake it, so it went out pretty quick-style. The fact is, they didn't tell me before they handed it to me that I needed to shake it, but probably in their eyes, as most adults think, that I didn't understand...and I have to admit that my thought of children is that they need a little extra instruction, and perhaps, as a teacher, that is what is needed in some categories, as shall we say "contemporary education"...but in other ways, the child is actually more present, more aware, and more pure than what we are...and isn't that what we all strive for? (I am speaking, in regards, to all spiritual backgrounds and interests!) In my perspective, it is what Jesus was referring to when he said, "let the little children come to me", as only the child is pure enough to completely yield themselves to loving him fully, honestly, and completely.
But, what I remember about that moment, is that I was completely in the moment with the sparkler, I was completely absorbed in the beauty of the sparkling light, something that those around me were unable to see...because, perhaps, in my childlike innocence and faith, I was able to see...and in that moment, I was closer to my creator than I am in these days!
I always had an innate interest in the spirituality, even in a family that claimed to be agnostic, even atheist. And, yes, I was the only child raised without a religious education, in some degree, yet they only one that openly sought out any form of aspect of the divine. Perhaps, it was because of my creativity, or my affinity to the craziness, but the spirit-world always called to me. I was intrigued by nature and once kneeled in the midst of a fairy ring ( a ring of mushrooms) and felt the magic soaring through me. I remember always believing in a God, saying he lived in the clouds, but He was there. As a child, I read the Narnia books and believed wholeheartedly in that other realm, used to search for it in my backyard. As I grew, I read The Tao of Pooh and Deepak Chopra. I studied Buddhism, after we traveled to Thailand when I was a child. Later on, my sister gave me a book on Astrology (Linda Goodman's Sun Signs) and I read it from cover to cover, would discuss it with my friends. This led into Wicca and I started dabbling in spells and rituals that awakened my understanding of the spiritual and natural realm, and how they combined. Because of this, I was constantly aware of the unseen. I could understand and relay meanings of my friends' and my own dreams, with accuracy. A friend got me interested in tarot cards, and that too helped understand myself, my future, and the direction I needed to take in choices and relationships.
Through all of this, God called to me, and mostly through nature. He called me closer and closer to the sparkling light I saw that 4th of July with the firecracker. It was his unconditional love that I desired and it was what I found in Jesus. Please know this isn't a plug for Christianity; I honestly see myself, in a sense, as a Pagan-Christian, and with that, I must emphasize my need and craving for Jesus. In my heart, I cannot see life without him. Through all my travelings in the spirit realm, His love was calling for me and it was to him I sought after; that endless love and forgiveness. Yet, I haven't forgotton or truly given up my so-called Pagan background, it is what enriches and clarifies, in some fashion, my love for the divine.
My message for all of you, whatever your spiritual inclination, is to give Jesus a try. Please don't let yourself be offended by him and please know that whatever bad thing you have done that may keep you from him, please know that he forgives you and loves you where you are at, no matter what you have done or been through...and that is my prayer and hope for myself, that I would remember. And, also that presence of mind and heart that I had as a child, that childlike wonder and faith, would manifest itself in my life in my now grown-up world. Whatever your background, insights on spirituality, faith, remember that beauty of childhood that awakened your senses to the other realm...
This next Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate our first annivarsary and truly it has been a year of growth, self-discovery, and connection. Bill is my best friend, lover, partner....and I cannot imagine walking through this life without him by my side. Marriage has helped me understand deeper the love my creator has for me, also the forgiveness. As I hang on every word and gaze at my husband, I strive to remember the love that He (or she) has for me, the love that knows no boundaries, no restrictions, and that will always and has always been there...to hang on his word and to gaze on him daily. I pray that that divinity will be between myself and my husband and fill our house, our lives, our individual paths...that each day both of us would awaken with that peace of mind and unending love....that is the gift He gives to me and I pass onto my love, my friends....and all the world
So, finally, when I laid down to sleep, my mind started drifting off with the swirling cacophony of dreams, somehow I got on those firecrackers we used to have when we were younger, the ones that sparkle and you have to shake in order to keep lit. Which reminded me of a 4th when I was a child, about two or three ( a fact that the gingko is working, if I can remember that!), my mom or dad handed me one of those sparklers and I didn't know what to do with it, until they told me to shake it, so it went out pretty quick-style. The fact is, they didn't tell me before they handed it to me that I needed to shake it, but probably in their eyes, as most adults think, that I didn't understand...and I have to admit that my thought of children is that they need a little extra instruction, and perhaps, as a teacher, that is what is needed in some categories, as shall we say "contemporary education"...but in other ways, the child is actually more present, more aware, and more pure than what we are...and isn't that what we all strive for? (I am speaking, in regards, to all spiritual backgrounds and interests!) In my perspective, it is what Jesus was referring to when he said, "let the little children come to me", as only the child is pure enough to completely yield themselves to loving him fully, honestly, and completely.
But, what I remember about that moment, is that I was completely in the moment with the sparkler, I was completely absorbed in the beauty of the sparkling light, something that those around me were unable to see...because, perhaps, in my childlike innocence and faith, I was able to see...and in that moment, I was closer to my creator than I am in these days!
I always had an innate interest in the spirituality, even in a family that claimed to be agnostic, even atheist. And, yes, I was the only child raised without a religious education, in some degree, yet they only one that openly sought out any form of aspect of the divine. Perhaps, it was because of my creativity, or my affinity to the craziness, but the spirit-world always called to me. I was intrigued by nature and once kneeled in the midst of a fairy ring ( a ring of mushrooms) and felt the magic soaring through me. I remember always believing in a God, saying he lived in the clouds, but He was there. As a child, I read the Narnia books and believed wholeheartedly in that other realm, used to search for it in my backyard. As I grew, I read The Tao of Pooh and Deepak Chopra. I studied Buddhism, after we traveled to Thailand when I was a child. Later on, my sister gave me a book on Astrology (Linda Goodman's Sun Signs) and I read it from cover to cover, would discuss it with my friends. This led into Wicca and I started dabbling in spells and rituals that awakened my understanding of the spiritual and natural realm, and how they combined. Because of this, I was constantly aware of the unseen. I could understand and relay meanings of my friends' and my own dreams, with accuracy. A friend got me interested in tarot cards, and that too helped understand myself, my future, and the direction I needed to take in choices and relationships.
Through all of this, God called to me, and mostly through nature. He called me closer and closer to the sparkling light I saw that 4th of July with the firecracker. It was his unconditional love that I desired and it was what I found in Jesus. Please know this isn't a plug for Christianity; I honestly see myself, in a sense, as a Pagan-Christian, and with that, I must emphasize my need and craving for Jesus. In my heart, I cannot see life without him. Through all my travelings in the spirit realm, His love was calling for me and it was to him I sought after; that endless love and forgiveness. Yet, I haven't forgotton or truly given up my so-called Pagan background, it is what enriches and clarifies, in some fashion, my love for the divine.
My message for all of you, whatever your spiritual inclination, is to give Jesus a try. Please don't let yourself be offended by him and please know that whatever bad thing you have done that may keep you from him, please know that he forgives you and loves you where you are at, no matter what you have done or been through...and that is my prayer and hope for myself, that I would remember. And, also that presence of mind and heart that I had as a child, that childlike wonder and faith, would manifest itself in my life in my now grown-up world. Whatever your background, insights on spirituality, faith, remember that beauty of childhood that awakened your senses to the other realm...
This next Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate our first annivarsary and truly it has been a year of growth, self-discovery, and connection. Bill is my best friend, lover, partner....and I cannot imagine walking through this life without him by my side. Marriage has helped me understand deeper the love my creator has for me, also the forgiveness. As I hang on every word and gaze at my husband, I strive to remember the love that He (or she) has for me, the love that knows no boundaries, no restrictions, and that will always and has always been there...to hang on his word and to gaze on him daily. I pray that that divinity will be between myself and my husband and fill our house, our lives, our individual paths...that each day both of us would awaken with that peace of mind and unending love....that is the gift He gives to me and I pass onto my love, my friends....and all the world
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)