http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xzsY2vkEMM
Its so interesting how memories can be brought back by the simplest of associates; the way the air feels on an early Spring afternoon, the sunlight beaming like stars off a ripply lake brings up emotions from times past both good and bad.
Today, with the warm spring sun and soft breeze, I was reminded of high school days, spring days where we waited anxiously for summer, donned prom dresses, not wedding gowns, pinned on corsages, rode in limos, ate at fancy restaurants where the other guests fawned all over us as we reminded them of nostalgic times gone by (as I do now...). All this floated through my thoughts as I busied myself through the day, far away I was with the memory of a sort of high school sweetheart once love. John. Only I didn't know I loved him.
He was my best friend from 10th grade--12th grade. When we met as awkward new to the dating scene 15 year olds, he was new in the school, a small school where everyone had grown up together, and quickly developed a crush on me. We were kindred spirits and spent every night talking; after homework had been finished (sometimes during) about everything from high school gossip to making fun of, or rather analyzing the Power Rangers. (Yes, I watched that show. Religiously).
In a sense, we were falling in love and didn't know it, well, he thought he did and I didn't really want to see it.
Looking back over my 35 years of life, my one and only regret is that I spent too much time looking inward, dwelling on and ruminating on stuff I can't even remember now, and not truly appreciating what I had right before me, the friends more than the experiences.
Granted in childhood, I was in a fragile place with an unstable home life, which made going into myself a survival instinct and truly I cannot begrudge my past self of this, since I spent so much of that life berating and hating myself, thus don't wish to dump anymore unneeded garbage on her. Nor do I want to sit here and dwell on what could have been...
I only want to express the importance of just being, living in the moment. Getting out of our heads, as a good director of mine once advised, and to truly cherish the life and love given to us in the present. And to live a life focused on pursuing our dreams and not settling for what another's opinion of my life should dictate.
I believe now, whole-heartedly, in living this life, being fully connected, centered with self, the universe, my art, and those close to me that are on the same path at present. To learn from, teach, and be loved and love in return.
I have said before that it is best to say "I love you" more times than never because you never know when that loved one will be gone. But now to add to that, I think that my life's focus now even more than loving others (I think I've got that down) but now in taking the time to love myself, do what I want, follow my heart, indulge myself without feeling guilty....
It is this I leave the readers with, and myself: Be fully alive, fully present. Seek to enjoy life for all its gifts, good and bad, whatever the course it takes...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mwnoNVOj1Fs
For in the past, this cost me much, not in the least a lost love...
Yes. John, I get it now. What you were trying to tell me for so many years? So there it is. You are one of my biggest regrets.
And yes, at least I admit too late maybe but here it is:
I love you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUgwM1Ky228
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