This Moment In Time

All that matters is this moment, right here, right now.

Way back when I was in the fundamentalist church, the preacher would preach on forgiveness of sins with such a degree of ferocity that we were not only to accept this forgiveness but forget what came before.  At first, this concept is completely refreshing, the idea of being able to start over with a clean slate can be very freeing and invigorating.

But, the problem is, one can never truly forget their past, which if one remains in the fundamentalist lifestyle, leads to such shame for one's past.  The result being, a loss of identity and understanding of self.

Looking back over my past relationships with my lovers, eleven counting the one of whom I never did the deed (for indeed he was a lover), there are sweet memories lingering after the harsh reality of the break up descended into time.  Today, I'm not saying I would "take them back" as it were, I mean, they are exes for a reason, right?

But, for that moment in time, that unforgettable powerful moment in time, we were one, we were in love and that love, no matter how it is defined, never truly dies.  And shouldn't.

For it is in honoring our past that we can overcome and continue forward in the path of which we are destined.  Trying to push it away, to forget, leaves us in a place of stagnation and despair, I know, I've tried.

For that reason, I choose to forgive the broken-heart and the harsh endings, to remember and cherish always, that time we shared, the love between us.  Always.

Our Moment, Our Time.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekrzLtCKMJg

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Cafe Girl: A Story of Coffee, Sex, Cigarettes, & True Love

Torn

Act Two, Scene Eight

(James sits alone, on patio, sipping a cup of coffee. Deborah enters.)

Deborah:

James, hello.

James:

Hi.

Deborah:

(sitting)

You okay?

James:

Sort of, just thinking about some stuff Shaggy was talking about--

Deborah:

What about?

James:

Toxins in the environment, the air, the food we eat. Like they're out to get us..

Deborah:

James, you can't let this get you down--

James:

What am I supposed to do? Fight? But how?

Deborah:

(reaches across table and taking his hand)

I don't know but there's got to be away.

James:

(taking her hand)

Yeah, there's got to be some way.

(Their eyes meet.)

Do you want to get out of here, take a walk?

Deborah:

Sure.

(They get up and slowly walk downstage, holding hands.)

This feels nice.

James:

Yeah, comfortable.

(They walk in silence. Approach donkey)

You got any nickels?

Deborah:

Oh, god, yeah.

(They both pull wallet out of pants/purse and count out change. They cross to donkey.)

Deborah:

How did this get started anyway?

James:

I don't know, Shaggy and Matthew found it first, then took us all here. Its been a thing ever since.

Deborah:

Our thing!

(James laughs, finishes "feeding the donkey", then turns to Deborah. They share a moment.)

James:

Why do I feel so comfortable? With you?

Deborah:

I don't know, its just what is, I guess.

James:

Yeah, what is. But, I feel like I could tell you anything, like I've known you before we met.

Deborah:

Yeah, I feel the same.

James:

Thanks for, being there.

Deborah:

No problem.

(They kiss, she pulls away.)

I'm sorry...

James:

I'm not.

Deborah:

But Matt...

James:

He'll understand, I think he saw this happening anyway.

Deborah:

Really? I didn't think...

James:

I know.  It'll be okay now.

Deborah:

I'm just so overwhelmed.  How can I be feeling this? Just snuck up on me.  I like Matt, I think I love him, in away.  But then you are there...I feel like I need you but don't need you.  Its not a basic need for living, but a need of the...the heart.  Its like that line from Shakespeare I love so much..."My bounty is as boundless as the sea, my love as deep; the more I give to thee, the more I have, for both are infinite."

James:

Its more than just fire, bells, and whistles. It just is.

Deborah:

Like Wuthering Heights!

James:

Oh, yeah right, you were saying the other day. What about it?

Deborah:

I've always felt, well, that's always been one of my favorite books. And, now I kind of feel like I'm living it, sort of. You know that line, "if all else fails and he survives, I should still continue to be."

James:

Right. So, I'm Heathcliff and you are Catherine?

Deborah:

Yeah, something like that.

James:

So, you going to die and I'm going to go on, somehow?

(They both laugh.)

Deborah:

But, seriously, do you believe in destiny? Fate?

James:

Yeah, definitely.

Deborah:

What's the difference or are they the same thing?

James:

Fate is...the journey, destiny is the final destination, as it were.

Deborah:

Like fate is the people and events that get you where you are going, to your destiny?

James:

Yeah, something like that.

Deborah:

I'll buy that.

James:

(taking her hand)

I can see that we are cut from the same cloth.

(He kisses her hand. Lights fade in on Shaggy, stopping Matthew as he heads to patio with coffee.)

Shaggy:

I met someone.

Matthew:

Really?

Shaggy:

Her name's Ashlynn. So beautiful. I think she could be, you know, the one.

Matthew:

Really? That serious?

Shaggy:

Well, I mean, I just met her. But, I got a good feeling about this one.

Matthew:

Congrats, man. When do I get to meet her?

Shaggy:

Oh well, we'll see.

(They both laugh.)

Deborah:

I love you, James.

James:

I love you too, Deborah.

(They lean in and kiss.)

(lights fade out.)

V-Day Approaches!

Lately, I have been thinking about that funny little thing called "love", the four letter word that we can never truly explain but know without a doubt its real when its real...Its the age old question, really, what is love?

As I was going through all of this, it dawned on me that the fateful 14th fast approaches, so maybe thinking about the Love concept isn't so strange this time of year? (Remember my New Years' Eve entry?)

So, less than a week away from the "heart-shaped" day, and here I am in a new relationship and four exes stalking the town (well, one ex-husband, two ex-boyfriends who are now friends, and one "I don't know what the eff he is so I'll just call him an ex and be done with it" guy), and I think, why? why do we fall in love? Looking back over all my tragedy with past love affairs, why have I allowed my heart over the past 6, 7, 8 months (Has it been that long?) to fall in love with this new guy? (I'm asking in all seriousness now.)

I only know, without a doubt, what I told my dear friend, Monica, today in a text:

"he is like the best guy i have ever been with, helps me be comfortable with me."

I know that, in my knower, to be true.  And, that is part of what scares me.

It scares me that I am starting to feel I can trust someone again, ever more than before actually.  It scares me to see my life with this new person, if possible.  It scares me to think that I may lose another lover...and this one would really hurt.  Because this one is REALLY my best friend.

Falling in love with Michael has been the strangest form of "love at first sight"; when I first looked at him, really looked at him, that day in a cold warehouse community theatre when he broke down in front of us, something about him touched me, really made a difference.  I saw him.

As my character from Light Sensitive, Edna says , "When you fall in love with someone, there's a moment when you take a picture of that person with our hearts, an emotional snapshot, and if you're lucky, if you're very very lucky, that person you fall in love with will always resemble that snapshot."

Here's hoping this guy doesn't change, but always resembles that vulnerable, passionate man I fell in love with.  Because it was truly love at first sight, I just didn't know it then.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vZqcWwYPHuQ