And The Oscar Goes To...ME! #domesticviolencesurvivor #freedom #thriver #february24th #liberation #independenceday

 

Selena Gomez - Lose You To Love Me (Lyrics)

I've been dabbling in painting lately, I'm not very good, but I enjoy the process, of creating, exploring and learning a new medium.  Likewise, I find myself hanging out with, associating with fine artists more then other creative types these days, in and out of art studios and art classrooms and devouring book after book about life models in history where the famous artists who immortalized them people the pages.  Furthermore, as I continue my recovery journey, the whole span of my life unto this point becomes so vitally vivid, each moment a swash of paint on the canvas of my healing heart, moments that I took for granted, love given that I was not aware of at the time.  A friend on the phone ending a voice message with "God Bless" awkwardly and the paintbrush swishes upwards, freak-outs leaving me running in college chased by my friends, another brush-stroke, an heartbreaking conversation with a friend where neither knew how to express their truth yet still loved, a brush stroke, getting let go from my professional teaching job because of my mental health, brush, brush, brush, each moment paints a vivid portrait of my journey to wholeness. 

Thus, February 24, 2013, the day I had had enough., another brush stroke on the canvas of my soul. Moments before, on the phone sobbing with a friend who questions why I'm not watching the Oscars...because I couldn't take it anymore, not her, not the academy awards, but my husband's rampant, psychotic, narcissistic manipulation and abuse.  But more than him, the long chain of others, friends, boyfriends, family, a pastor, a therapist, so many throughout the course of my life, whose aim seemed to be to restrain me from being me, them getting off on the wounding, to darken my light so that theirs may shine...

No more, on that day in 2013, snot dripping, tears flowing, screaming, "Go, you say you want to, so go!" Fighting not to crumble as I watched the man I believed to be my true love leave.  In the weeks to follow, feeling empty yet strong, I began to fill my days with daffodils of hope, laughter, love, which buoyed me up for the hard things to come.  Two beautiful room-mates came into my life once I bravely filed the papers to restrain HIM, an adorable new fur-baby (a strong feminine spirit in her own right), a loving, patient new partner, so many meaningful, creative friendships who would lift up, even when I fell awkwardly or ashamedly made mistakes that wounded.  Again and again, that love would make it self a reality, spanning backwards in time before that fateful day in 2013 on forward and it's that love that ultimately helped me heal, helped me again and again to value and speak up for myself, realize my deserving of love, to truly loving myself and being my own best friend.  

And, it was that day, February 24, 2013, the catalyst of such upheaval, that overturned my world-view, an earthquake that awakened a volcano of emotion, release flooding outwards, finally, peace to be me.  

We honor dates throughout our lives, not just national or world holidays, or even birthdays.   But, personal landmark dates that solidify our soul's identity.  From anniversaries of long-term relationships spanning before the time of Facebook, dates of deaths of loved ones, vows of recovery dates, and dates of personal independence such as mine today, painted on the canvases of our souls vitally important  to meditate, ponder, and celebrate where we were then to who we have become. 

Billie Eilish - What Was I Made For? (Lyrics)

And, I have come far, am a completely different person that made that oh so brave decision that day, who I am and all that I would do is yet unimagined, as such so much of who the path she had followed before that date, a girl accepting her fate of being told, held down, controlled, lost in the throes of surrender, hoping to find peace.  For her, then, I share the victory of today, February 24, 2024, the paintbrush in my own hand, basking in the warmth of early spring sunlight, a feeling of freedom on my skin, a deep well of feeling everything amidst the stability of peace, union within.  All of this, I send backwards to her, to all of me, whoever wondered if her 'ship would come in' as she dutifully submitted, that, yes, freedom would arrive at her doorstep with the power of one word, "Go" banishing the hatred of destroyers, giving her the freedom to create and paint herself wholly.  Alive and Real. 

Katy Perry - Roar (Lyrics)

Narcissist: The Hill I Die On. WTF!?! #narcissisticpersonalitydisorder #npd

 

Odetari - NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER (Lyrics)

you don't want my love

you don't want my love

i'm so full of myself, i'm selfish

i'm so full of myself, i'm selfish

everybody want some help, can't help it

everybody want some help, can't help it

Okay, I know what you are thinking, this is the HILL I die on? Really? What the hell am I doing anyway, defending a narcissist, or rather, a person with narcissistic personality disorder?  A person, mind you, who would never, could never possibly do the same for me.  Or perhaps could, because, there are different types of, different degrees of NPD...wait, I'm getting ahead of myself here.

First, as I described in a past entry, You Can Leave CW: #domesticviolence #intimatepartnerviolence #dv #ipv, the word "narcissist" or the slang "narc" is overly used as a blanket statement for any and everyone that acts abusively.  In addition, the word itself  is used whenever someone seems to behave in a selfish manner, as the general public does not know the distinction between a simple negative behavior or that of having an official diagnosis.  Some may not even know that there is an official diagnosis, narcissistic personality disorder, located on the Cluster B section of the personality disorders.  Regular people walking around probably don't even know or understand just what the hell even is a personality disorder?  But I do, yet I'm not even a therapist, rather just an overly curious mentally ill person carrying around the mantle of CPTSD who has been the victim of quite a few personality disordered individuals quite possibly, definitely, and who also finds reading the DSM a fun past-time.  But, that's me, and I never said I was anything else but "weird".  

So, here's the thing, when I hear the term "narc" or "narcissist" bandied about to describe any person that behaves manipulatively or wounds another in abusive, non-socially accepted ways, I tense and find in myself the need to launch into a long unending explanation that may start to seem a little 'lecture-y". I'd rather not do that, I'd rather perserve my friendships.  After all, who am I anyway, not a mental health profession of any sort that can diagnosis, that's for damn sure.  To reiterate, I'm just an overly curious mentally ill woman who seeks out knowledge hungrily with a desire to understand more with the hopes of recovery and impactful change.

It's important to me that those in the general population that find themselves victimized in anyway by a loved one or colleague that abuse has many different root issues and the reasoning behind such is myriad.  An abuser can be sociopathic (antisocial personality disorder, not gonna go there right now), someone with a substance abuse disorder, yes, npd or another personality disorder, or even a person struggling with depression or anxiety.  Manipulation and anger, factors of abuse, are often coping strategies used by a person struggling, unsure of how to get their needs met in any other way.  A person that behaves this way can be sociopathic, yes, but they could also be acting from a place of great pain, such as one with depression.  It's varied.  Using the blanket word "narc" is both ill-defining for those with APD and detrimentally harmful to those struggling with depression, anxiety, or other personality disorders and diagnoses.  In short, we all have the propensity to act in abusive, hurtful, and manipulative ways at times of our lives, whether situational or psychological or  a mixture of such.

 

Okay, so what the hell is Narcissism or Narcissistic Personality Disorder? anyway? The word "narcissism" stems from Greek mythology from the god, Narcissus, a proud and handsome young man, who upon seeing his own reflection in a pool of water fell madly in love and could not look away, remaining there until his death.  From those origins, many a philosophy and school of thought on psychology has been discussed on the theme of self-admiration leading to arrogance and haughtiness.  Finally, this led to the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, which is defined as a hyper fixation on their own importance, constantly needing attention and admiration, and seemingly an inability to care and understand the feelings of others. (See: History of Narcissistic Personality Disorder , Narcissistic personality disorder )

 

Understandably dealing with someone with NPD is fraught, difficult, emotionally draining, and damaging.  Self care is the most important part of living a happy life and at times that means extraditing oneself from the NPD individual.  However, for the importance of this entry, I want to take a closer look at one symptom of NPD which has brought a certain fascination and some empathy for one who seems to lack such, that of the "fragile self esteem" component of the NPD individual.  It is this reality that separates the NPD individual from one with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) as this fragility reflects a sense of conscious, thoughtfulness, and social awareness which is extremely lacking with ASPD.  The high likelihood of criminal involvement and violent behavior is prevalent with an individual with ASPD and not necessarily that of an NPD.  (See: Narcissistic and Antisocial Personalities: Similar but Different )

 Just as there are a multiplicity of reasons why one abuses or becomes an abuser, from depression to substance abuse to sociopathy (and many in between), there is also a multiplicity of types of narcissistic personality disorder.  

Educating oneself on the variety of NPD as well as the overall diagnoses can help bring understanding and awareness of one who is abusive towards you.  As well, learning about the myriad of other reasons why a person abuses can help extradite from such and commence the healing needed.  Thus, learning about the types of abusers helps understand the reasons why someone becomes abusive, sheds light on our own toxic patterns and roots that led us to be victimized, and can be highly beneficial in our recovery.  Diving deep into one's own healing journey will be highly enhanced by continuous, vociferous learning and self advocacy.   In this self growth, one can develop the self confidence and skills to effectively deal with one with NPD as well as other abusive types.

10 Tactics to Put a Narcissist in Their Place

Ally #support #liftup #standfor

 

Taylor Swift - You Need To Calm Down (Lyrics)

You are somebody that we don't know
But you're comin' at my friends like a missile
Why are you mad when you could be GLAAD? (You could be GLAAD)
Sunshine on the street at the parade
But you would rather be in the dark ages
Makin' that sign must've taken all night

I am an ally, it means more than you think.

I am a person that stands up for and with my beloved LGBTQAI friends, of which I align myself with the "A" portion, as a matter of truth.  I honor all gender identities and allow others to live their truth authentically and freely.  Furthermore, I will continue to offer assistance in anyway so that they may continue in this freedom. 

I stand against racism and bigotry of any form.  I am completely against hatred and the infliction of violence on another based on the difference of ethnic background and color of the skin. 

As a person with a dual mental illness diagnosis and physical health issues, I act as an ongoing volunteer advocate for those unable to speak up or be heard for whatever reason or cause.  I believe that our illnesses are not disempowering but are vessels to guide us towards our utmost capability to thrive.  Mental illness, therefore, is an illness like no other and I will continue to fight to erase all stigma.

But, wait there's more!  

As a former Christian fundamentalist with less years in than out, I stand in the gap for those coming out of such life-style, am a proud Ex-Fundie Safety Zone, and hold space during the emotionally fraught process of deconstruction.  

As a survivor of domestic abuse and intimate partner violence from a myriad of sources, I align myself with other survivors whether within my circle of friends or without for the express purpose that together we may help each other heal, overcome, reign victorious, and truly thrive.

Katy Perry - Roar (Lyrics)

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (Hey)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up (Hey)

Get ready cause I had enough

Proceeds from the sales of this merchandise will benefit The Trevor Project & NAMI-Southern Oregon.

https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/

https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy/

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

https://namisouthernoregon.org/

You Can Leave CW: #domesticviolence #intimatepartnerviolence #dv #ipv

"If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, YOU CAN LEAVE, no matter what your abuser says or does, YOU CAN LEAVE".

So, that's out of the way.  Let's talk about abuse, how it looks, how it happens, and how the abused can leave.  First, let's understand that all genders can be both abuser and abused.   I have known many a male that has come out of an abusive relationship as female, I support and applaud each for taking the steps needed for their freedom and recovery.  Second, the word used for 'abuser' is often simplified to "narcissist" or merely "narc".  This word comes from the official diagnosis of "narcissistic personality disorder" and is often misunderstood.  This word is thrown around even when a person does something that may seem to the outside as egoistical.  Rather the clinical definition of "narcissistic personality disorder is as follows: "is a personality disorder characterized by a life-long pattern of exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration and a delusional sense of status, diminished ability or unwillingness to empathize with others' feelings, and interpersonally exploitative behavior. Narcissistic personality disorder is one of the sub-types of the broader category known as personality disorders.  It is often comorbid with other mental disorders and associated with significant functional impairment and psychosocial disability."  Using the word "narcissist" or "narc" can both oversimplify or vilify the abuser.  That said, there are other reasons why a person can be an abuser ranging from such diagnoses as Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopath) to Psychopath to the aforementioned Narcissistic Personality Disorder down the line to an addiction problem and/or yet untreated mental and emotional disorders.  For myself personally, I have had a myriad of types of abuser from former partners to friends to bosses with a mixture of reasoning or diagnoses as to why they abuse, such as mental disorders like schizophrenia, drug addiction, and, yes, NPD.  Notably, I myself have been an abuser and know personally that it be a result of my mental health diagnoses of Bipolar and CPTSD.  Finally, I want to make it clear that I am not a certified therapist or psychiatrist so cannot officially diagnosis, thus for my part and for the purposes of this article, I use the word "abuser" no matter the reasoning.  In the end, the reasoning or diagnosis of abuser does not matter, only that the abused admit the crime afflicted upon them, realize their need to separate, and the actions done to be free.

Thus, we began.  Again:

"If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, YOU CAN LEAVE, no matter what your abuser says or does, YOU CAN LEAVE".

Maybe as you read this, you are still doubting whether you are in some form of relationship with abuser, you feel a sense of shame to admit, or may have no idea what you would do upon leaving or even how to do such.  The years of targeted abuse dealt upon you most likely has broken down your self esteem to such that there is an inability to see clearly.  For your benefit, let's lay out the tactics an abuser uses to control, manipulate, dominate.  

The first stage of an abusive relationship begins with love bombing wherein the abuser finds their next victim and overwhelms them with praise, adulation, and love.  The victim is made to feel special, as if they are the one that the abuser has been waiting for, the fairy tale romance.  At this stage, although red flags may be present, it is difficult for the victim to see otherwise, no matter how an outsider may try.  Once locked in, the abuser can begin their stages of control, thus becoming Jekyll & Hyde in their interactions.  They can be both abuser and victim, blaming you for their anger and insults.  Almost immediately, they can be once again the sweet and loving person you met, only to have that shift again.  Gaslighting is the act of causing you to question and doubt your words, your actions, your perceptions, your very self.  They will tell you something, then deny saying it, they will hide something and ask where you put it, they will tell you to do something, then ask why you did it, all examples but there are other ways as well.  Their overall goal is to break down your will so you do not question, you do not retaliate, they have total control of which they celebrate.  Often these tactics, among others, are used as precursors of any physical violence as well continued to use alongside.  

(This article references 'sociopath' but I feel the tactics described can be used for any type of abuser: https://www.yourtango.com/2018309953/love-bombing-gaslighting-8-more-warning-signs-sociopath).   (Another useful article for more information: https://beckysfund.org/ghosting-benching-gaslighting-lovebombing-tactics-emotional-abuse/). 

While in the relationship, the abuse may follow certain stages, however, not always in this order and at times there may be overlap.  The honeymoon or calm phase may suddenly shift to a building up of tension erupting into explosion followed by the feelings of remorse, then back to the honeymoon.  Does this spark a feeling of familiarity to your own life?  

In addition, as shown above, there are types of abuse, physical to financial and a myriad in between, that can be used solely or be combined, which is often the case.  Remember, the goal of the abuser is to control and all means will be taken to do such.  (For further information on types of abuse: http://www.choicesandavoice.org/blog/9-types-of-abusers-many-abusers-fit-into-more-than-one-category). 

Perhaps now you see yourself and your abuser in the above paragraphs and are questioning how "you can leave".  No doubt, your abuser has slung words of hate at you about what would happen should you attempt to leave.  From my past abusers, I was told such phrases as "No one will ever love you like me" to simply "You can't leave".  Do these sound familiar?  Perhaps your abuser has declared that they will make your life a miserable hell if you attempt to depart, so afraid are they of losing control.  They may have tried to question how exactly you would even live successfully without them.  What it all comes back to, aren't you in enough hell with them?  As an experienced abuse survivor, now thriver, I can tell you any hell you may experience without is by far better than any hell within.  Thus, the reality is, no matter what they say, you can leave, you can survive, you can thrive.

It is important to note that they will do several abusive tactics once you have removed yourself, with the attempt to gain control again.  At first, they may appear to discard you hoping their loss from your life will bring you back.  If this is not successful, they will hoover, like a vacuum, returning to your life doing what they can to suck you back to their control.  If neither of this works, I applaud you, but beware the "flying monkeys", those friends of theirs that will fly about you in aid of your abuser to confuse or undermine your beliefs about the abuse that occurred.  If at all possible, you may have to completely disengage and apply "NO CONTACT" furthermore.  In the event this not possible, due to children or during the divorce proceedings, do what you can legally and personally to protect yourself from your abuser's further targets.

"If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, YOU CAN LEAVE, no matter what your abuser says or does, YOU CAN LEAVE".

National Domestic Violence Hotline:

https://www.wikihow.com/Leave-an-Abusive-Relationship

2013 Then, 2023 Now: How I Went From Survivor To Thriver #intimatepartnerviolence #domesticviolence #recovery #codependency

 

In scriptwriting, be it for stage or screen, there is a moment wherein the story bursts forth, the drama continuing to deepen, grow, build until the rush of the climax, resulting in the resolution of the denouement.  This moment is referred to as the "inciting incident". 

 In my life looking back, I can visualize my own 'monumental inciting incident', wherein from that moment forth all sense of who I am and how I orchestrated within my life changed.  The day itself, February 24, 2013, an Oscar awards Sunday, yet I was not watching for I was giving the Oscar award winning performance of mine own on my front porch, tearfully with the pain repressed from over two years of an embittered battleground of a marriage involving a domestic abusive partner, I released all anguish, watching as what I once believed to be my first and truest love descend backwards and outwards of my life.  

For my personal 'inciting incident', I knew of it not at the time, but rather knew only that I was finished, could no longer willingly receive the crazy-making, toxic abuse from my wedded partner in my own home, in my own heart, his torrent of abuse and psychotic lies pouring over me seemingly without provocation.  No, on that Sunday in 2013, all I wanted was a relief, to breathe, to sigh, to sleep without fear...and so I did what I never imagined myself possible: I kicked my first love out the door of my life, my heart, and lived to tell the story.

Looking back now, I can see what I was unable to see then, the amount of steadfast and supportive love from new friends and faithful old who came around me in large and small ways.  A neighbor holding me whilst I sobbed out tears, saliva, snot, a mess of all the build up from two years of trauma and torture, a friend sacrificing her Oscar viewing to listen and encourage, an old friend who I thought hated me on the phone encouraging me with kindness, emails pouring in from others.  Then, in the days and weeks unfolding, an adventure of both high and low, laughter and sobbing would unfold.  New room-mates would take over the apartment with me, whose presence in my life was filled with late night chats, living room dance sessions, laughing until all hours of the night, and encouragement of warmth when I sobbed, a kind hand on my shoulder when I awoke from a night terror, a leftover shred from the nightmare.

But, that moment of breaking free from my abusive ex-husband was larger than what it seemed at the time.  In the weeks and months that followed, I began to see the other connections of which I had once held important and yet were at best toxic, at worst abusive.  It was then in those early days after the dramatic monologue on Oscar Sunday 2013, that I began the painful process of deconstructing from the teachings of Christianity, fully seeing this fundamentalist worldview for what it was, what it became, and seeing that the practices they preached which would save were more barriers towards my freedom and fully knowing myself.  Thus, I began the slow process of exploring, questioning, dipping my toe into conversation with "I was part of a cult", and finally finding connection with other like-minded souls who listened, who shared, and through our shared journeys laughing, we held each other finding shared healing. Sunday mornings were no longer a duty to be served, the Bible no longer the commanding truth, I no longer felt convicted for exploring my own wants or needs, and no longer labeling myself a "Jesus Freak" was not a death toll for my soul's march towards perdition.  Today, I can cherish as a part of my personal soul journey, lovingly gifting those I traveled with the gift of gratitude.

The years tumbled forth and I continuously began the process of finding my voice, on stage, on screen, and in real life, increasingly I found love from a variety of faces, from those who had witnessed my great, big monologue, from those whose presence in my life was before, and new ones who joined alongside, all becoming a beacon of my coming more fully into myself, my power, my self love.  

The truth I realize now is that it has been love that has sustained me throughout my life, even in the darkest of times, through times I could not see, that love was ever available.  If for a season, it came from outward, those faithful who have walked with me, seen me at my darkest when I seemed unworthy, their belief in me and my worthiness of love never ceased.  They saw me when I could not.  

It was the greatness of love throughout all of my life that kept me persevering, kept me alive, gave me strength upon strength to overcome abuse, whether it be a toxic partner, a world-view, a friend, that love was great enough to sustain, to uplift, patient to wait.  

Now, here I find myself, ten years later, feeling younger than I was previous, for I feel lighter and I find within myself that love, not only from an external source, but bubbling up from within.  

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Israel Kamakawiwo'ole - Somewhere Over the Rainbow (with lyrics)

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard, Part One: My Thoughts TW: domestic abuse, Intimate Partner Violence

 

You are not alone, your abuse is real, you do not deserve to live this way, you have done nothing wrong. 

Because Of You

I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Yesterday, June 1st, 2022, was a day of victory not just for Johnny Depp, but for all victims of intimate partner violence/domestic abuse, specifically that of cis-male survivors perpetrated by their cis-female counterparts. 

By now, I have shared numerous times that I am a victim of IPV, specifically from my ex-husband, but also from previous romantic entanglements as well as, some degree, family, friends, colleagues, and church.  The degree of which occurred in my relations pertaining to my abusers is not what I want to further share at this moment, have in the past, but don't dwell on or over-share because it's not what defines me.  However, I do feel it significant that I accept my past history in order to be an authentic outspoken advocate for domestic abuse as well as a support of those also suffering so that they can reclaim.  With that, I have an active facebook group, Survivors Of Emotional Abuse, with group members of all genders have come together to share and support one another in their journeys towards healing.  (I also have a group pertaining towards spiritual abuse for similar purposes.)  Through these conversations and connections, I have been able to witness firsthand the stigma and invalidation cis-male victims of female perpetrators have experienced once leaving the relationship.  The disbelief that a cis-male could be the victim in a domestic abuse relationship is difficult to perceive and therefore discredited.  More often than not, the woman perpetrator proclaims herself the victim, and as we have seen with  Amber Heard, society, in general, believes her and vilifies the male victim.  

As seen in the chart above, the percentage of male victims who have reported their abuse is lower than female victims.  However, this does not mean that women are abused more often than males, rather, this reflects what has been reported.  

Long before the abuse becomes physical, many other tactics are implemented to control, subdue, dominate, as well, there is a cycle to the abuse: tension building, violence, honeymoon, finally, calm.

In each phase, the abuser uses the tactics described above as a means to ensnare and keep their victim hostage.  During the honeymoon and calm phase, the victim is expected to forget the abuse and forgive, thus done, the abuser once again has the power and the cycle continues.  

As seen in the chart above, the prevalence of abuse used from cis-female to cis-male appears to be higher in the non-physical in a variety of ways than physical.  This facet has been shared with me by my cis-male friends that have experienced domestic violence from their cis-female partner or spouse.  However, this does not signify that cis-female to cis-male is never physical, but may be demonstrated in different ways than in cis-male to cis-female.  As we have seen documented in the case of Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard, there were elements of physical abuse used throughout the tactics of manipulation.  

TW: All the Times Amber Heard Admits to Violence / Hitting Johnny Depp Audio Recordings

The reasoning behind abuse often given is that the perpetrator wants to hold power and dominance over their victim.  This week I read an article by a woman claiming that Johnny Depp could not be the victim because his older age and role in society puts him in a higher place of dominance than Amber Heard.  Evidence shared during the trial proves otherwise as well as Johnny Depp's re-telling of his history of violence perpetrated by his own mother.  (Johnny Depp reveals childhood abuse from ‘violent’ and ‘cruel’ mother and says drug-taking was to ‘numb feelings’)  In addition, a person's status in society may not resemble how they interact and behave within the confines of private relationship.  The reality of past trauma, possibly not dealt with, affects how a person reacts to current relationship instability leading them to become the submissive, fearful victim.  

In conclusion, I do not believe that Amber Heard set the #MeToo Movement back, however, I believe Johnny Depp brought it forward by revealing to the world that cis-males, "Men" too can be victims of intimate partner violence.  That said, if you are a cis-male victim and believe you are an IPV victim, here is a resource: https://www.facebook.com/mentoomovement/

You are not alone, your abuse is real, you do not deserve to live this way, you have done nothing wrong. 

Breakaway

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky

And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change

And breakaway

Kanye/Kim: I've Been There. All Sides. Part Three. TW: Spiritual Abuse

It seems a decade ago when Kanye West's rampage against Pete Davidson and his ex-wife, Kim Kardashian on social media was all the talk replaced now with the infamous Oscar slap.  (For my thoughts, see here: https://artistthriving.blogspot.com/2022/03/the-slap-post-pandemic-trauma-recovery.html).  However, even if Kanye West's rantings are not currently in the mainstream dialogue, rest assured they will arise again, as recent history as well as the cyclical nature of Bipolar reflects, thus I still feel it pertinent to continue this blog series.

For today's entry, I want to focus on the spiritual abuse component of the relationship between Kanye and Kim.  If you have been following this blog, as well as other means of my content, you are most assuredly aware that I spent a great deal of time in my twenties as a practicing fundamentalist Christian, having started around the tender age of 22 (give or take) in the year of our Lord 2000 (er, sure, yeah, okay), to find myself exiting the church one noon Sunday never to return in 2010.  The years that tumbled forth from that departure were a-wash with dealing with an abusive spouse, trying to continue stability within my own mental health as well as survive in this 'material world', while beginning the awkward and alone-ness of deconstructing from Christian fundamentalism. 

Spiritual abuse is described as "Any attempt to exert power and control over someone using religion, faith, or beliefs can be spiritual abuse. Spiritual abuse can happen within a religious organization or a personal relationship. Spiritual abuse is not limited to one religion, denomination, or group of people."  For me, my experience with spiritual abuse happened within the confines of intimate relationship as well as corporately within the church.   In addition, the depths to which spiritual abusers can go reflects the extent of time, closeness, and sway they have over their victims."  

For my part, I was fortunate in that my time within the fundamentalist worldview was under a decade and I did not experience any real physical or sexual abuse from being a part of it.  However, this does not negate the abuse I experienced as well as the pain and trauma I hold, nor does it for others as well.  Thus, I can say with much assertion that I am a person who has experienced spiritual abuse and therefore can claim an additional aspect of PTSD labeled "Religious Trauma Syndrome". 

Religious trauma syndrome is described as: "occuring when an individual struggles with leaving a religion or a set of beliefs that has led to their indoctrination, often involveing the trauma of breaking away from a controlling environment, lifestyle, or religious figure."

Despite having left the church a year before my ill-fated marriage, the effects of the church's indoctrination ran deep and I found my mind still succumbing to the controlling beliefs on woman's roles within  my abusive marriage.  Because of this,  I believed both that if I prayed for and practiced marital submission the marriage would be successful.  Moreover, I carried an inner martyrdom belief that somehow all the abuse that befell upon me was somehow a fault within myself.  In addition, being raised in a family that mirrored the marriage of which I found myself within played a significant role in my staying within the confines of this abusive situation.  

I share this in relation to the Kanye/Kim saga because Kanye West has recently professed to be a fundamentalist Christian, having come out with his song, "Sunday Service" and trying to adhere to the regular practices of this religion.  One of those it would seem would be the theme of patriarchy and mysogyny within the confines of fundamentalist Christianity.  

Fundamentalist Christianity uses the scriptures below as means to subjugate and dominate women: 

"Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.  For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."  --Ephesians 5:22-33

"I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.  A woman should learn in quietness and full submission.  I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet.  For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner.  But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety."-- 1 Timothy 2:9-15

"But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God."--1 Corinthians 11:3

I share all these,  (at risk of being triggered and spiraling backwards in my recovery) because of the below posts from Kanye West's instagram ravings:

In each of these exchanges, Kanye West, backed by his followers, uses the tactic of spiritual doctrine based on the beliefs on the above scriptures, to enforce his control over Kim Kardashian and his children.  His followers, most likely believers in the fundamentalist Christian version of God, assert his right as father to have utmost control and to dictate what his children should do because he is the spiritual head of the family.  In doing this, they ignore the blatant abusiveness of Kanye's words and actions, only wanting their worldview to be dominate and to continue to keep women and children, like Kim Kardashian and her children, in the place of subordinate.  

Because of this, I see Kanye West using spiritual abuse tactics as another means of controlling and abusing his ex-wife.  In addition, this may have been tactics he used to force her to stay with  him while they were still "happily and biblically" wed.  

Dear reader, if any of this rings true and you feel as you have experienced spiritual abuse, please know you are not alone.  No matter the abusive indoctrination of the supposed religion, you do have value and are deeply loved.  Please reach out for support during your deconstruction process: https://www.1800respect.org.au/violence-and-abuse/spiritual-abuse 

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed (I would pray)
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

Breakaway