Journaling Through The Years, Ep. 42: The Douglas Adams Edition & Night ...

In this episode, at long last, I figure out the meaning of life, the universe, and everything...42....well, maybe not. Instead I share a recent experience making amends and how it brought about even more healing & self-understanding of my empath abilities, then read an entry of my 11 year old self hoping a girl her age reads her words but she got something else instead, then share my two favorite Night Court Stars, yeah, maybe not. DJ Michael J. Hearne, funds go to help secure ongoing housing so focus can be on job stability: https://www.gofundme.com/f/please-help-michael-and-meme-thrive Help Elizabeth Return To Her Thrive & Pursue Her Dreams: https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-return-elizabeth-to-her-thrive

The View From 42

"Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything"

As the years come and go, and age creeps itself up, I ponder each year, the meaning of not just life, the universe, and everything, but in fact this whole age thing and what my role is in this life here bestowed to me on earth.  

One thing for sure is pause to think about what is age actually.  A few years back as I was winding my way through the not so flirty thirties, it dawned on me that I wasn't the "it" age any longer.  You know, the age that the media markets itself to in order to earn its buck.  This was surprising because in my youthful roaring twenties I never gave much thought but all of sudden when I wasn't the "target majority", I was like, "Hey, hold it right there, I'm still relevant, buster!"

All kidding aside.  Relevancy within the constructs of society is not an achievement, although my approval hungry low self esteem would warrant it, I am increasingly learning to be at home with myself.  And, that is the place I find myself in today, the day after my 42nd birthday.  Here I am, in the middle of my life, perhaps, with friends who have years I have yet to reach and friends behind whose time on this planet I have surpassed.   Perhaps I am not really in middle age, but with the aforementioned reasoning, it feels a little bit like that.  My friends with more life experience call me young, the ones with less shudder to use the O-word.  I smile graciously at both.  Age is increasingly becoming a mere number, life is more and more about the wisdom I am receiving and the overall health of mind I am daily coming upon.  

Basically, I feel the healthiest and best I have ever felt in my life, in fact, I feel the youngest.  It's this feeling of more and more comfortable and at home with myself, that causes this inner peace to vibrate outwards.  The journey still continues, I still have yet a lot of healing and growth to come as my journal entries reflect, but this thought does not dismay me, because I have a sense of profound calm in the journey, that despite the highs and lows of self-discovery, I shall prevail and arise stronger.

My goals for a better life will be attained, if I take each day as it comes.  Yet, I am learning to enjoy the moment I have now, falling in love with who I am today, instead of waiting for some far off perfection that may never arrive itself.   Because our hopes and dreams have a way of shifting as we follow the path, becoming better than we ever imagined.  I always dreamed of becoming a famous movie star, instead I am doing more than just working as an actor but pursuing the calling of the role of film producer and learning all that it means to run a successful business (from the ground up, baby.)

Increasingly more in my life, I desire balance and calm stability in my life.  Even in moments of exhilaration, like the fun of rehearsals, being on a late night set filming a movie, opening night of a play, I want the steady focus that comes from self care.  As a woman with bipolar, falling into the madness of mania may have its appeal in the moment but afterwards leaves me with an element of shame.  I want, in the end, to maintain the steadiness of both feet planted firmly on the earth, steps focused, heel to toe, touching the ground as I move along my path.  For it is in that place that I find my most creative expression guaranteed and satisfied, not in the place of exhilarating mania where I awaken with the embarrassment of uncertainty, causing my self esteem to spiral back downwards.   

So, I follow my routines daily, sometimes they alter in some ways based on the goals I need to accomplish in that day, but others are fixed, like my daily reading and journaling, my exercise and yoga practices, practicing my healthy ketogenic diet, and ensuring that I acquire the sufficient 8 hours of sleep needed to maintain that desired stability.  

And, in this path, I am viewing the idea of success from a different lens, not merely that of popularity and wealth (although having the upward climb of financial security gives a certain calm), but of an overall spiritual and/or emotional state of being.  The art of creating for me, whether it be acting, writing, working on and editing a web-series project, putting together a vision board collage, or even painting rocks (the list could go on, I know) is not merely for the increase of financial gain and the upward rising of my business but an uplift to my soul and, I hope, for those that partake.  More and more, I no longer worry about the quantity, the numbers that are viewing, but focus more on the quality, does this creative outlet inspire me, make me smile, laugh, and feel more at one with myself? If so, then true success has been reached and outwards it goes to those others that will find it inspiring, making them smile, laugh, and feel more at one with themselves.  A worthy goal for all, I believe and one that is a life-long achievement.

As my dear friend, Corinne, once told me in my youthfully naive twenties, "recovery is life-long".  And, its true.  We rise from ashes to ashes, as it were, phoenixes ever being improved and transformed.  With one release of a struggle, we are healed and able to climb another mountain, to heal another wound, to forgive, and become more of who we were meant to be.  

At times, I look back with shame at the choices of my life, even as soon as 2019, and want to hang my head.  However, if I hadn't made those errors, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I am discovering that there are no failures in life, but lessons to help us to grow and deepen our connection with self and source (Divine, God, Goddess, Universe, choose your title).  

Life has an interesting way of taking us seemingly backwards and thus at times this seems to be a way to teach us the most essential lesson needed in that particular instance.  I found myself once more with the above actress, Shannen Doherty, in the foreground of my mind and viewing.  I believe pop culture has its place within the realm of our spiritual and emotional healing.  That said, way, way back in the far off nineties, Shannen was the star of "Beverly Hills, 90210", and she was my role model, of sorts, I deeply admired and loved her.  On the other hand, there were those that held hatred in their hearts in as much degree as I loved.  I find that interesting that there are individuals whatever the career or degree that cause that intense of emotions, whether positive or negative, and I feel its a facet to not just admire, but ponder.  For whatever reason, Shannen is one of those individuals that has been equally loved and hated at an intense level.  A goddess I call her, but whatever she be or not, she has proven herself to be strong, able to persevere, and stay true to herself.  This is the true reason I admired her then, although as an awkward teen struggling to figure out how to fit in and define myself, I would not have described it that way.  "She's so pretty," I would say, but inwardly I admired the confidence.  

Yes, she was and is brave.  She maintained working as an actress after being fired from two popular tv shows for alleged bad behavior, being slandered with the 'bitch' title during the shaky women's rights of the nineties, and then more recently fought the battle of breast cancer (and basically won.)  So, it was with excitement and gratitude that I saw her return to her roots on last summer's reboot, BH90210, and as I was pleased with the version of herself she played (and basically only watched for her), I was more impressed with her red carpet and publicity shots.  From the girl who used to dash about in such outfits as the above photo displays, along came Shannen in cute slacks, a fitted t-shirt, a leather jacket, and flat soled shoes, or some variety of sorts similar to that.  While the other actresses, Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth, smiled in front of the camera in their cute dresses and heels, Shannen strutted herself proudly, without any awkward worry about how she looked, laughing with her friends.  And, even though she wore these clothes, she looked beautiful, classy, and, dare I say, even sexy.  But, she wasn't trying...that's big here....she wasn't trying.  That's what impressed me the most.  The most sexiest and appealing thing about her today is that she is and isn't afraid to show it.  

So, thus in recent months, I have been following her lead.  It's funny to me that at 42 and her 49 I am still taking dress advice (or now rather life advice) but as I said before, she's special.  From what I see of her through her social media posts and interviews, she is teaching me more than who to date and what to wear as she once did, but more about how to be at peace with yourself, which battles to fight and which ones to let go, and how to live (and die, yes, I'll say it, she has terminal cancer) with grace.  

Which is basically the view I see it now from 42, the meaning of life for me is more about me and in that I feel an authentic love for those that come along my path.  I desire to help them find, love, and appreciate themselves as I seek mine.

When I say that I'm okay, well they look at me kinda strange

"Surely, you're not happy now, you no longer play the game"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6YnizK2LZs

Got something to say? Comment below.  I would love to hear your thoughts.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media production company with the intent to raise awareness through quality entertainment meant to enlighten, uplift, heal, and inspire.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Cafe Girl: A Story of Coffee, Sex, Cigarettes, & True Love

Thank You By Dido

Act Two, Scene Three


Lights show the end of the day, early evening as the rise on cafe. Matthew is busy closing up shop, putting chairs up on tables, vacuuming (miming with real vacuum but silent, the audience will get the idea, one beat and Deborah enters, knocking on the door. Matthew doesn't hear for a moment, so she knocks louder, yelling his name over the din. Then finally she enters, crosses to him, touches him on the shoulder. He turns, startled.

Deborah:

Hi.

Matthew:

Good to see you!

Deborah:

(entering, looking around)

Closing for the day?

Matthew:

Doesn't it look like it?

Deborah:

Need any help?

Matthew:

No. But thank you. I just need to put this away.

(gestures towards vacuum)

And, then how about a walk?

Deborah:

It looks like snow?

Matthew:

First snows are the best times for walks.

(He smiles, she returns the smile)

Let me just--

(He moves to vacuum, placed where ever the director wants him, makes a show of rolling up cord, and dragging vacuum cleaner up stage to kitchen, exits, Deborah looks around, then Matthew re-enters).

All ready?

Deborah:

Yeah. Its so cozy here.

Matthew:

Yeah, I like it too. Its just a shame that--

Deborah:

What?

Matthew:

Business is slow, is all.

(She nods understandingly)

Ready? I know a great place.

Deborah:

Okay.

(They exit through door, Matthew locks it, lights fade on coffee shop as they slowly cross left across stage.)

Just beginning to snow. Its so beautiful.

(Does a ballet-type spin, stops, embarrassed.)

Sorry.

Matthew:

Why?

Deborah:

I just...

Matthew:

It was beautiful.

(She pulls coat closer to her, sticks hands in pockets, no gloves, pulls up hood.)

Hands cold?

(takes gloves out of his pocket.)

Hear, have mine.

Deborah:

But you need them....

(he pushes them towards her)....

Matthew:

Please, I insist. I'm used to it anyway.

Deborah:

Wait, I have a better idea.

(She hands him one, they put gloves on free hands and hold the bare hands, begin walk.)

Matthew:

Wow. Good plan.

Deborah:

You were telling me, on the phone, about your last girl-friend?

Matthew:

Yeah. Not much more to say. She cheated on me, with the whole town, you know. Girls and guys. So, its just messed up. I had the engagement ring ready and everything.

(He takes a few steps in front of her then turns)

You?

Deborah:

Me?

Matthew:

Your ex?

Deborah:

Oh, he was a real slob, drank too much, smoked too much, never completed anything. Lived with me without paying rent or anything...a big mooch. Lame.

Matthew:

Yeah. Looks like we've both been through the ringer!

(They walk a little.)

Deborah:

Yeah.

(They walk in silence. She pulls out hand, turns away.)

Kind of makes you wonder why you do it.

Matthew:

(He takes her hand in his, looks at her.)

It'll be all right. This time.

Deborah:

How do you know?

Matthew:

( He studies her, shakes his head.)

Because, you're all right, yourself, Debi.

Deborah:

Eh, don't call me that. I like Deborah, or even, Deb.

Matthew:

Well, then you're all right, yourself, Deborah.

(thinks)

What about Rah?

Deborah:

What about what?

Matthew:

DeboRAH!

Deborah:

(laughs)

What should I call you then, Hew? Or?

Matthew:

Just Matt. My mom calls me Matthew when she's mad at me.

(mimics mom)

Matthew William Downey!

(They both laugh.)

Deborah:

Sounds familiar!

(mimics mom)

Deborah Ruth Seller!

(silence.)

Where are we going?

Matthew:

You'll see. But, first a little detour, okay?

Deborah:

Do I have a choice?

(laughs)

Matthew:

Sure, you always have a choice, Deborah.

(Matthew crosses downstage center, where stands statue of a donkey.)

Few years ago, my friends and I randomly discovered this. Don't know who made it or even why its here? But, anyways, we started "feeding" it.

Deborah:

What?

Matthew:

It likes this, five nickels. Only five nickels.

Deborah:

Why "five nickels"?

Matthew:

See, they fit perfectly in his mouth. Look.

(He inserts nickels and gestures to them.)

Deborah:

Yeah, I see. So, five nickels?

Matthew:

Yep, five nickels!

Deborah:

Not quarters, pennies, dimes?

Matthew:

No, five nickels, only five nickels. Mr. Donkey here knows what he likes.

(They both laugh, grab hands, continue walking.)

Matthew:

So, you mentioned you finished school? Congratulations!

Deborah:

Thank you.

Matthew:

So, what's next?

Deborah:

Not sure yet. I mean, maybe more school to get a real degree. Seems like nowadays a bachelors doesn't mean much. A professor told me a bachelors is like a high school diploma these days...so what did I just do with four, no, five years of my life? I don't know. I don't want to live my life doing the 9-5, you know, going to work, coming home, paying the bills, feeding the kids, the house, the car. It all seems so pointless. There must be something more, you know?

Matthew:

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Deborah:

What do you want to do?

Matthew:

I don't know yet.

Deborah:

Work in the coffee shop?

Matthew:

Probably not.

(after a moment)

My parents want me to go into the family business, but I don't know. Thought about being a pilot once.

Deborah:

Really?

Matthew:

Yeah, took some lessons just had to finish the final before I got my initial license.

Deborah:

Can you fly?

Matthew:

Sort of. I'll take you up sometime, anywhere you want to go.

Deborah:

Anywhere? I've always wanted to go to Mexico.

Matthew:

Then, we'll go.

Deborah:

Right on! But seriously, you should just do what you love. That's what everyone says, do what you love.

Matthew:

Yeah, what do you love?

(She looks at him, smiles.)

Deborah:

Dancing, yeah. I love it. Unfortunately, according to my parents, you can't make money at that. But, I don't know, I just...when I dance, I feel free. Guess that's why I love it.

(Silence.)

So, where are we going?

Matthew:

Almost there, just a little climb.

(They walk hand in hand down stage left, there can be a small boulder big enough for them to stand on together to show overlook.)

Matthew:

This is what I wanted to show you.

Deborah:

(staring, transfixed.)

Its so beautiful.

Matthew:

Right?

(They stare together in silence, song plays softly.)

Deborah:

Thank you, for bringing me here.

(She turns to him and he to her. They look into each others eyes for a moment, then slowly, awkwardly lean in, and kiss.)

I think this is the start of a very special relationship.

(They kiss again, lights fade.)

Deborah:

(in blackout)

Once upon a time we all walked on the golden road. It was a fair highway, through the Land of Lost Delight; shadow and sunshine were blessedly mingled, and every turn and dip revealed a fresh charm and a new loveliness to eager hearts and unspoiled eyes.

Act Two, Scene Three

The bar scene, down stage right, Deborah and Matthew enter hand in hand, crossing up to table and chairs where James, Shaggy, Ray, Thomas sit with drinks. They are enthralled in a game of Go. As the two approach, they look up and all yell: Matthew.)

Matthew:

Hey, guys. This is Deborah. Deborah, this is

(gesturing to each)

Shaggy, Ray, Thomas, and James.

(All nod, Deborah looks at James. One beat.)

Deborah:

Hi.

James:

Hello.

(Matthew sits in chair down stage left, next to Shaggy. He takes Deborah onto his lap. Jame sits directly across from them, Thomas and Ray are next to each other, facing audience.)

Matthew:

(to Deborah)

So, Thomas, you know. And, he and this girl, Maggie, they used to be together, but not now. And, Thomas just converted to mormonism, so that's even weirder because we think he and Ray...He tried to get Maggie to convert, then Ray before...I mean, so yeah, just weird all around.  You know? And, that's Shaggy.

Deborah:

Shaggy? Strange name.

Shaggy:

(overhearing)

That's not my real name.

Matthew:

After the Scooby Doo character, looks like him.

Deborah:

What's your real name?

Shaggy:

Not Shaggy.

Deborah:

Mysterious. So, what are you guys playing?

James:

Go.

Deborah:

What? I just got here--

Matthew:

No, its the name of the game, Go.

Deborah:

  How do you play?

Shaggy:

Not really hard.  Kind of like checkers, try to get your pieces to the other side of the board, capturing your opponents.  Wanna play next game?

Deborah:

Okay.

Thomas:

Seen you at the coffee shop, sometimes, Deborah.

Matthew:

Thomas works there too, sometimes.

Deborah:

I see. So, what's with the name, 'End of The Universe' Cafe? I like it but where'd that come from?

Ray:

42!

Matthew:

Sounds esoteric, right? But, ever heard of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series?

Deborah:

Just reading it, right now.

Matthew:

Yeah well, you'll see, based on that.

Shaggy:

You know, there is documented evidence that says Adams reasoning for Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and further books were proof of the Illumati's power and influence in earth's impending destruction.

Ray:

Yeah, like 42?

Matthew:

(whispering to Deborah)

He's kind of crazy, that one.

(to the group)

Hey, Deborah, what does Ray remind you of?

Deborah:

(looking at him, they all stop and watch her amusedly)

I...don't...know.

(Ray has on a snowcap, pointed upwards, red nose, long face)

Matthew:

Give you a hint, lawn gnome?

Deborah:

Oh my god, yeah.

(They all laugh.)

Ray:

King of the lawn gnomes, they call me!

James:

That true, Shaggy? About Hitchhiker's?

Shaggy:

Oh yeah, man. There is tons of documented evidence on the internet about the Illumati's hunger for power and how they infiltrate all sorts of different media, art, what have you to influence and exercise their control. I'll show you sometime.

(finishing drink and getting up)

Matthew, you guys want something?

Matthew:

(bringing out wallet and handing some money)

Two guinesses? That all right?

Deborah:

Yeah sure, thanks.

Thomas:

I'll come too.

(Thomas and Shaggy exit upstage right, Deborah and Matthew kiss.)

Matthew:

(takes off fedora and places it on her head.)

Here. Looks good, why does everyone look better in my hat than I do?

(They kiss, James studies them.)

James:

Are you guys being cute?

Deborah:

(looks at James, unafraid)

Do you think we are being cute?

(James blushes, and nods, their eyes meet, Deborah looks at Matthew, then back at James, one beat.)

So, who are you, James?

James:

I am me.

Deborah:

What do you do?

James:

This and that.

Deborah:

Oh, I see, another mystery man.

James:

Computer programmer, sometimes. You?

Deborah:

Trying to figure that out, I guess. Just finished college, joining the ranks of the real world. Guess this is it?

(gestures all around, Thomas and Shaggy return with drinks.)

Thomas:

Real world? You could try...church?

Matthew:

Church?

(smirks)

Deborah:

Eh, no thanks, Thomas, I'm okay.

Thomas:

Well, if you change your mind--

Ray:

Cut it out, Ray.

Thomas:

Well,I...Don't worry, I'm not one of those Christians, I think, anyways.  Sorry, Deborah, I didn't mean--

Deborah:

Its okay, really.  We're all just trying to figure things out, the meaning of life--

Ray:

42.  The answer to life, the universe, and everything.

Deborah:

Something like that, yeah.

James:

I used to go to church, when I was a kid.

Deborah:

Yeah? What happened?

James:

Hypocricy, that's what happened. So, if Thomas can't convert you, then maybe, we will?

Deborah:

Excuse me?

(looks at James, then Matthew)

Maybe. Just maybe.

(thinks, looks at drink)

You know, never actually had guiness.

Shaggy:

Where have you been?

James:

Well, then I guess your indoctrination starts with this?

Deborah:

Huh, what? It's not like I'm a stranger to alcohol..

Matthew:

Not guiness. Come on, drink.

All chant:

Drink, drink, drink.

(Deborah takes a drink)

One of us, one of us, one of us.

Thomas:

(after a moment)

Crap, Maggie's here.

Ray:

Shit!

(drains drink.)

We got to get out of here!

(Thomas and Ray get up.)

Shaggy:

I'm with you.  I don't want to deal with her.

(He drains drink, James gets up too.)

James:

You comin with, Matt?

(Matt looks from James to Deborah.)

Matthew:

Um, no.  I think it'll be fine.  I'll catch up with you guys later.  Where you going to be?

Shaggy:

I don't know, the usual.  Out haunting! See ya.

(Thomas, Ray, James, and Shaggy exit.)

Deborah:

So, what's wrong with Maggie?

Matthew: Eh, she's...all right.  Just awkward because she and Thomas...you know, like I said.


(Maggie enters and crosses to Matthew and Deborah.)

Maggie:

You seen Thomas around?

Deborah:

Um?

Matthew:

You know, he left awhile ago.

Maggie:

Know where he went?

Matthew:

Couldn't tell you that!

Maggie:

Oh, okay.

(She collapses into chair.)

Matthew:

Think we need another drink?

Deborah:

Sure.

Matthew:

You want anything, Maggie?

(Maggie shakes her head no. Matthew gets up and exits.)

Maggie:

So, you guys are?

Deborah:

Yeah, I guess we are.  We just met, really.

Maggie:

Oh, I see.

Deborah:

You okay?

Maggie:

Not really, actually.

Deborah:

Sorry.

Maggie:

Not your fault. Just confused is all.  But, that's life, I guess.

Deborah:

You love him?

Maggie:

Not sure, really.  What is love, after all? Two people coming together...my mother always tells me, "Maggie, sometimes you fall in love at first sight, sometimes it takes awhile."

Deborah:

Smart lady.

Maggie:

So, what do you do?

Deborah:

Teach, sort of.  Well, day care.

Maggie:

But, what do you really want to do?

Deborah:

Um, dance, I guess.  You?

Maggie:

I love dancing. We should go out sometime.

Deborah:

Maybe I could teach you a few things!

(Lights fade. The boys are seen drunkenly by the donkey,mime laughter, mirth while "feeding donkey", when they finish, lights fade and in darkness we hear Deborah.)

Deborah:

On that road we heard the song of morning stars; we drank in fragrances aerial and sweet as a May mist; we were rich in gossamer fancies and iris hopes; our hearts sought and found the boon of dreams; the years waited beyond and they were very fair; life was a rose-lipped comrade with purple flowers dripping from her fingers.