All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

 

All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

Yesterday, April 29, 2022, marked another milestone of my life, leaving behind year 43 and beginning a new with 44 (& many more on channel 44).  Over the last year of intensive trauma-related therapy, I've had what seems like an intense reflection upon all of my past occurrences, flying quickly to the fore-front of my mind in a vivid recall, both happy but moreover the unhappy, darker times of my life, where impulse control ruled and poor decisions were executed.  I recall these moments to such a fine pointed degree that I can feel the emotion beyond my reactivity, the response of those around, the end result within, and then suddenly, I am once again in the present moment, reflecting upon all that transpired that caused me to react in that past moment.  

They say when you die, you realize all of your life flash before you as you transcend upwards toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  Perhaps, though, that is a metaphor for the therapeutic recovery process one undergoes during trauma work, causing a death to the old self, a thorough understanding within, and, finally, a deeper appreciation for the simplest aspects of life and all its lovely beauty.

So, here I am at 44, experiencing the fullness of the expense of all my life at once, recognizing at last that of every season, every decision, every high, every low, made me who I am today, leading me nearer and nearer towards the fullness of myself.  This revelation came about after taking advantage of the time off brought about by Covid19 restrictions shutting us down, going deeper within myself than ever before, and doing the hard work necessary, not just upon my creative projects (however, everything done, whether inner or outer, works to achieve soul wholeness), but upon healing, to find true freedom and enjoyment of life. 

"You are so full of life," a friend said of me, "I can't imagine what age you might be."

To her, I responded, its through the patient and steady efforts of healing recovery that true joy and love of life is acquired, nothing less will suffice. 

 Not the manic self my Bipolar brain falls into at times, for that is not at all akin to true joy and peace.  Only the steady and sure steps towards fully knowing, healing, and forgiving oneself is what will garner one towards inner prosperity.

Finally, the biggest gift given to me on this birthday was, in fact, not the breast reduction I received one week and a day before (although that was quite substantial, pun not intended), but the most vital gift of such healthy and fulfilling connections with true friends that uplift and finally give love towards me that is without conditions.  In so much of my life, I have quoted the message of my favorite movie, "The Wizard Of Oz", that being, "There is no place like home and home is of the heart", but truly the fullness of that was never realized until I took the painful but necessary steps to separate myself from that which was toxic, energy draining, the 'friends' that were more 'frenemy', and allowed the fullness of true friendship and pure love to surround and overwhelm.  From that well, I dove deep into my own self-love, continuously finding healing and strength to persevere, to once again, trust, and find the pure joy of living.

As I set forth on this first day of 44, wondering what experiences will become vivid memories in the years that tumble forth, hoping that it will be that which is the simple, the enjoying laughter of my trusted loved ones celebrating with me yesterday and last night, the taste of the three yummy coffee drinks I received for my day, the beautiful walk I took this morning with the few, soft drops of rain falling onto my hair, my cheek, my coffee down my long driveway of which I love to walk, but hate to drive upon in my small blue Kia that hits every bump dramatically no matter how slow and meticulously I drive, falling asleep mid-morning in bed reading with my beloved fur-daughter, Tansy, near by, such simple bliss will come in the days to come as well as those with more grandeur, but each I will take with the steady steps of one filled with love within and surrounded by the blessing of pure, unconditional without. 

Nothin' you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All You Need Is Love

Day Eight: God The Healer: His Love

                                                          Day Eight

                                                     "In Love..."
                                                           Ephesians 1:5


As we seek the Lord every day, morning and night, and turn our faces to him in our distress, my prayer is that we can come to know him and the power of his love for us.  As I set aside time to write this entry, I think of my friend, Amie, who walks down the aisle towards holy matrimony, the love she seeks is a righteous love but it is not a love that saves, although as it refers she is "in love".  Without trying to discredit her heart, I want to impress upon my heart and you readers that the love the Bible speaks of here is the unconditional, all-surpassing love that God has for each and everyone of us, no matter the incident we find ourselves in.

His love is so far-reaching that it can extend itself into the deepest, darkest place of our souls and penetrate the walls of shame, pain, and hardness and bring new life and light.  I pray that in your brokenness, and mine, that that love can manifest itself to you today.

As you go today, say the words "in love" to yourself over and over again, as a reminder of the infinite and unconditional love that God has for you.  Let that love wash over you with the healing power of his touch and wash away the grime of your past and  your pain.

"that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have the strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."
Ephesians 3:17-19

Black Friday or Good Friday?

Wait, has anyone ever really thought about that? That the day after Thanksgiving we call Black Friday, but the day that we honor Christ's death on the cross we call "Good Friday"....hmm, interesting?  But, really, Christians call it Good Friday, because it is the day our sins are washed away, completely, one hundred percent forgiven, and as I read today gives us the ability to enter into intimacy and complete union with the Father.  Did you know God's complete purpose in sending his son is redeeming us so that we could have complete intimacy with him, unbroken, unconditional love?

So, really, today is Black Friday, because people forget what to be thankful for and hurry to be bombarded with Christmas musak, commercialized Santas, and oh so many people just for that deal.  I worked in retail, so I know the drill.  Really, I am one to go to little out of the way bookstores, or pick up things throughout the year, that just speaks to me about that person.  So, really, today can be called Black Friday, because of the emphasis on commercialized capitalism and not what the true meaning of the season is.  And doesn't this season begin Sunday for Catholics?  I forgot what that is called, my Catholic friends can remind me.  But, my husband and I went to the first Sunday mass after Thanksgiving with my Grandma last Thanksgiving and the Lord truly met us there.  Say, what you want about Catholic churches, you closeminded evangelicals who think you know the right way to seek the Lord, Jesus does show up there.

So, after spending my Christmas holidays in college shucking through Black Fridays, I am very happy to note that I will not partake of that.  Maybe because its in Medford, and if you are an Ashlander, you try to avoid the Medford scene as much as possible...some people feel like they have to take a shower after they return from Medford or do some spiritual ritual to cleanse away the demons.  And, I already have a stack of books that I have been collecting at local bookstores for friends and family, little gadgets for others, and such.  And thinking about helping out at a food pantry or such for the Christmas season, helping those less fortunate, because my husband and I may seem to be "one of the least fortunate" we've got more than some, so as the Bible keeps saying "whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed".  And my heart's prayer is always that I may not do it for the repayment for the Lord, but that it needed to be done, except sometimes the repayment from the Lord is just the joy and peace of the Lord, ie the Holy Spirit.

What I have been learning from my reading of scripture, of reunion with friends, healing wounds with my father, books, is that salvation is a gift that enables us, just not eternal life, but true intimacy and relationship with the Father and, of course, Jesus.  I have learned that because of my crazy times my mind goes berzerk, I am not condemned by the Father, his love is always open to me.  It is me that runs away because of self-condemnation, not the Father, who wants to hold me and wipe away the tears.  So, either because of the crazies or the racing thoughts or just the time of year, I can find rest in knowing my security is in Christ, my relationship with the Father is secure.  Is yours?

This Christmas I hope to give more than I receive, in some small ways.  For those of you who have been following my reading, Bill and I met a military man during our layover in San Francisco.  I am trying to get his address so that Christmas cards can be sent to him from many, and maybe a package from my church.  Since all this combat, I haven't used my emotion to have anger towards Bush but have felt an amazing heart and need to reach out to those in service, through prayer...seems like a door has been opened.  So, anybody who reads this who wants to help by sending a Christmas card or what have you? Send me an email and when I get his address, if I can, I will send it to you...juliacweston33@gmail.com

Also, I plan on tithing the little that I have, especially for my child in Central America.  Her name is Roxana and she is a gift from the Lord.  Because of financial troubles, I have been wonton to fork over the 32 dollars to pay for her needs, but something convicted me in that I needed to start doing it, after all, God blesses our obedience and God seems to be opening up doors for us to be able to do things like this, like food stamps, health plans that pay copays and such, a potential work situation for me, what have you....and hopefully if work does come through this year, I will try to buy her a little gift, or maybe, just send her a Christmas card...

For any of you interested in reaching out to an orphan or a child less fortunate (Roxana is not an orphan), look into Compassion International, its a very honest organization and seems to be doing some good for God and for children.  There have been several opportunities for me to do mission trips, but, alas, I always lacked the finances...maybe in the future...and hey 32 dollars is really not a lot, come on, you can go without that coffee, to provide shoes, clothes, food, good schooling, and spiritual education for a young one....a future that they may not already have.

I mean, when we think of the gift that was given to us in the form of a baby, that humbled himself to sleep in a manger, in a barn, really, that would offer us security and eternal communion with the father, unbroken, unconditional...it seems like nothing that we can give the little that we have to help out another....and as I have heard, it doesn't have to be with our money, it can be our time, or physical presence....

Prayer is a big part of reaching out to the world and definitely I have seen prayers answered.  I believe God is answering big prayers this Christmas season for my family, especially my dad.  Maybe I was too close to see and was too inundated with his anger to really see beyond that, the pain he was feeling...but the very hunger that he had to read all those Billy Graham books, he's humbled and may not be able to hide anymore....God speed into that house, I pray.  Anyway, come what may, God has entered my heart and removed the root of bitterness towards my father, and I accept him for who he is and who he was in my life, may the healing between us begin and may God be our head.  And, that is the one of the best gifts I could receive this Christmas, isn't it?

So, remember the meaning of this season; the true gift of salvation that offered us, not just entrance into heaven (that's pennies according to the reality) but lasting, unconditional love and intimacy from the father, his sole purpose before the fall of man.  His sole purpose for creating you.

I leave you with this, the greatest commandment that Jesus spoke:

"Love the Lord your god with all your heart, mind, soul, and body"

"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you."