An Ex-Fundie On Easter Weekend

Last weekend, April 15th-April 17th, it was Easter Weekend, you know, the Christian holiday wherein they celebrate the raising from the dead of their beloved Jesus.  In truth, I ain't got no beef with the J-Man, nor do I have any with his followers of any creed or following.

Because of this, last weekend went a lot more quiet and serene then years previous.  Years where I professed openly my adoration of Jesus The Christ and all his teachings, where I hungrily read the bible at coffee shops, and dutifully trotted off to church (Calvary Chapel) every chance I could, hoping for some shred of friendship from that which I referred to as 'eternal family', all being blind to the fact that this lifestyle which I professed, this church which I hoped would be the answer to my aching heart, was swiftly becoming a cult.  The years that tumbled after were fraught with the agony of deconstruction from such faith, as it can be called, shifting between that of anger, sadness, bargaining, betrayal, then, at last, a sense of acceptance for what was and what is, finally, appreciating the good memories and letting go of the bad, forgiving and venturing forth.

In that place, I ventured into the Easter Weekend 2022, choosing to focus on the child-like joys I enjoyed as a child, that of the fun of dying easter eggs, the wonderment of waking up on Easter Sunday to discover what treasures the Easter Bunny left behind, the delight of looking deep within my Easter basket for all the goodies, and the yummy scrumptiousness that is the Easter morning breakfast and Sunday night family dinner.  

I chose that and in the peacefulness that flowed out from that joy, messages from whatever the divine may be, made their way into my heart, not enforced by the external but from an internal and eternal knowing within.

I began the weekend on Friday, April 15th, celebrating the birth of my beloved furbaby, the fabulous Leo Meister Meyer:

Leo's 22nd Birthday

That weekend, I also spent some much needed time with my special friend, Ada, the american eskimo pup:

The connection I have to many a furry friend or baby is the most special of my life, their unconditional acceptance and love is a value that strengthens, upholds, and teaches me the value of giving and receiving love merely for my existence and nothing more.

On that Friday night as well, I spent a delightful time with my "Facebook Room Party" family, painting my nails, eating dinner and sipping wine, and enjoying the chatter of catching up and loving these dear souls of who I have grown closer to during the craziness of pandemic life.  Truly, throughout these last few years, I have found peace in finally choosing only to surround myself with and honor that which is uplifting and healthy in my personal connections.

The revelation of the true power of my intuition was the guiding light behind every choice made, from insisting on my worth of my right to raise my rates as an online model (okay, cam-model), from being led to the friend who would drive me to my surgery appointment, to watching a TV show I have yet to experience only to discover that the screenwriter was none other than Eva Anderson, the daughter to Harry Anderson, of whom I connect with as soul father. 

In truth, these days, and perhaps all of my life mostly un-recognized, he seems to find his way into every facet, every life lesson, every evolution.  In times of sadness for that which I never have or will ever, I feel him whispering, "Daddy's little girl" to strengthen and calm my broken heart.

Discovering thus about his daughter, Eva, this weekend was even more meaningful when I realized that Saturday, April 16th, was the fourth anniversary of his passing in 2018.  It was, as if, in a strange way this was his gift for me, his guidance or, perhaps, my intuition guiding towards this connecting point.

In the same vein of the name, I began to read a biography I had picked up many years ago, that of the life of Evita, or Eva Peron.  A woman I have always found of such interest, desiring to know the true reasoning behind her, why she was loved and adored, the nuance of her, both the good and the bad.  Finally, the meaning of names began an insightful lesson of the weekend itself.

The meaning of Eva, then, is truly that of 'life, living one, and mother of life', to put it more succintly:

Eva Peron orchestrated herself to be the mother of life and a very real 'refuge' for her beloved descamisados. Such then, the connection with Eva Anderson may be also a reminder of a refuge within.  It is an interest to note that on the weekend wherein the religious look toward an eternal father, I, too, meditated and found value in the true power of what a real, loving father could have been for me and what my life could have become if I had such.

This led me finally to ponder and share the meaning both literally and spiritually of the personal identity and moniker I have chosen for myself: Why Me

Reflecting first on the name I was given at birth, "Julia" meaning "youthful one", I recognized how that shaped my sense of self to remain trapped in a personality that was pleasing to those who wanted to control and subdue me.  Thus, Lia, who I always felt within, is that of a "bearer of good news, languid, relaxed, finally finding rest."  In a very real sense, this sense of repose and rest were the most real in this personal 'vacay' of my own selected spiritual Easter weekend. 

Then, the second part of my first name, Elizabeth, a long held deep connection that of is almost like an alternate universe identity (explained further in the above vlog), brings the meaning of 'abundance, royalty, promise, assurance, trust, comfort, and, at last, stability."  My chosen middle name, Rose, long since one I find a spiritual connection to, means that of the "miraculous love at work in the world"  My chosen surname, Dugal, is one of which I am still researching in many ways and will reveal when the time is right.  

Thus, my name, as of now, becomes fully:

Lia Elizabeth Rose:

 the bearer of good news, that of abundance, promise, and stability, which is the miraculous love at work in the world.

To myself and to those who read, those I love, those I shall reach, the world may seem dark and foreboding, the evil may appear to be rising and prevailing, but from what I have discovered in my journey, love abides, guides, heals, and, finally resolves to success.

Love is you, you and me

Love is knowing we can be

Love Is

  

 

What Being Poly Means To Me

 I recently wrote a blog entitled  Poly Girl Living In A Mono World, of which is my official coming out as polyamorous, a lover of many.  Today I wanted to dive in a little deeper and explain further what that means to me.  First, I must confess that I still am relatively new and exploring my inbuilt natural tendency towards love and relationship, ie that of living openly a polyamorous lifestyle, I would tend to see myself somewhere in the tween years of my relationship leanings.  Thus, like everything in life, my beliefs and understandings will evolve as I grow deeper in my personal life story.

1.) Polyamory equates lots of sexual partners, sleeping around, down to party whenever with whoever.

No, not for me, perhaps for some.  I tend to lean more towards the idea of lover of many aspect as well as find myself in the range of demi and sapio sexual.  Demisexual is only feeling sexually attracted to someone when I have an emotional connection as well sapiosexual is being attracted to intelligence.  Furthermore, I do not have the time or the interest in multiple sexual affairs.  There are times I can go months, even years, without sexual encounters, yet feel very sensually and romantically fulfilled.  I do not feel any connection with asexuality, but rather I can find sensuality in a good deep conversation with a loved one, heart to heart connection with dear friends, regardless of the relationship style, working in my garden, writing, walking in nature, reading, watching a deliciously good movie, revisiting a favorite old TV show, celebrating good friends' successes with their creative projects as well as my own.  

I do not mean to negate or condemn those that may practice their relationship styles, whether it be non-monogamy, polyamory, or something else, differently than I, to each their own.  I am merely expressing myself fully in the earnestness of being authentic and open.

2.) I don't believe in commitment.

Another false statement for me as I, a steady Taurus, have a fierce loyalty to those I care for, whether friendship, chosen family, kitty cat, or significant other.  However, what I do not believe and am coming to realize more fully, is that being in a relationship with anyone does not bind them to me or I to them.  We all have our journeys and seasons per which we are meant to be in one another's lives, meaning that the relationship held today may shift to the extent that we may depart from each other for a season or even forever.  As painful as that is, I am learning I do not hold control over another and, in fact, trying to control another is in no way a form of love, but rather is abusive.  

Once again, I am a person that loves many and must have an emotional and intellectual connection with whoever I am in relationship.

3.) You are just looking for a chance to cheat and get away with it.

In my baby baby first steps of realizing I have a propensity towards polyamory, whilst in the throes of the magical infatuation stage of new relationship energy (NRE), it may have appeared as such.  But, once the magical cloud fairy love dust and the mania of my bipolar brain subsided, I returned to my stability with the mess I had created in the wake of my craziness and sought to redeem and heal the wounds I had inflicted.  Thus, I turned to the podcast, Multiamory, and ran to my local library, checking out book after book on the subject.  My favorite being, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy.  (That's a recommend right there, guys!)  What I have gleaned from this study as well as my personal journey in my recovery from relationship addictions and CPTSD, is that the best way to live amongst those we love and work is to be ethically mindful.  

So, armed with that knowledge and with an inbuilt sense of wanting to do what is right, to heal the wounds I caused on those I love, I am fully making steps towards living the life of one that is ethically mindful in my intimate romantic partnerships as well as in friendships and with colleagues.

4.) You are against monogamy. 

Not in the least.  In fact, I am coming to see and believe increasingly that love is love and is full of nuance, like everything in life.  Relationships of any sort have their phases.  As of today, my overall understanding of self is one that is more polyamorous, however, that does not mean that one day I cannot ever return to a relationship that is monogamous.  

5.) So, you, like, don't ever get jealous?

You know, that's what I was thinking before I opened myself up to the life of polyamory as being a part of me.  Yeah, how do you deal with jealousy or do you just not feel it?  The short answer, yeah, I do and others do too.  Feelings are a part of our human nature but its how we deal that is the power of our personal growth and strength.  All too often, we allow our emotions to sway our thoughts and actions without realizing that feelings are just feelings, not facts.  Feelings, then, if allowed to exist do not have to rule us.  The trick is in not judging them as good or bad, fact or fiction, but allowing ourselves to feel whatever the emotion at the time, watching as it approaches, lives, and then fades away. 

You recall, I am a woman with a mood disorder, relationship addictions/codependency, as well as CPTSD.  I'm a wash with overwhelming emotions of highs and lows, as well as traumatic pain that sways my thinking.  But, this relates to a dysfunction to be worked on throughout my recovery journey and is not based on any of my romantic preferences.  Rather, if I were purely monogamous or purely polyamorous, I would experience these regardless.  

Thus, the emotional disorders are a pathological dysfunction that I work on in order to improve my overall health throughout my recovery journey which affords a more positive experience in all of my relationship styles.  

That being said, the key here is honesty within self and with others.  Sitting down and self-examining and taking the time to connect with your partners and friends through deep discussion that helps support others process towards healing and authenticity individually as well as collectively. 

6.) You are a sinner and have strayed from the Righteous Christian Path.

Aw, hello there, my fundie friends of old.  How are you doing? Thank you for your concern for me and my wellbeing.  I need not try to prove to you that I am at peace and quite happy, in fact am more so than when I fellowshipped along side you, although those times remain very cherished within my heart, as I know that I cannot due to where you are at in your life journey's evolution.  

What I do believe at present, both about love and spirituality, is that it is not easily defined or controlled.  Looking over my life in my past relationships, I see now that by falling in love with one, then to feel the pain of heartbreak, did not wreck me entirely, leaving me in shambles, rather with every gift of love I gave and received, including the break-ups and good-byes, my heart grew larger, fuller, more able to love others that came into my path.

At this moment, that is the extent of the answers I can give to bring more clarity to the new stage of my life awareness.  This discovery is new for me but as I increasingly become more comfortable being open and honest, I feel more grounded and complete, comfortable within my own skin.  Furthermore, I do not have the desire to seek out salvation from another or external source, but find that fullness and security within, which affords me to truthfully see and love those brought into my path.

Love

The View From 42

"Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything"

As the years come and go, and age creeps itself up, I ponder each year, the meaning of not just life, the universe, and everything, but in fact this whole age thing and what my role is in this life here bestowed to me on earth.  

One thing for sure is pause to think about what is age actually.  A few years back as I was winding my way through the not so flirty thirties, it dawned on me that I wasn't the "it" age any longer.  You know, the age that the media markets itself to in order to earn its buck.  This was surprising because in my youthful roaring twenties I never gave much thought but all of sudden when I wasn't the "target majority", I was like, "Hey, hold it right there, I'm still relevant, buster!"

All kidding aside.  Relevancy within the constructs of society is not an achievement, although my approval hungry low self esteem would warrant it, I am increasingly learning to be at home with myself.  And, that is the place I find myself in today, the day after my 42nd birthday.  Here I am, in the middle of my life, perhaps, with friends who have years I have yet to reach and friends behind whose time on this planet I have surpassed.   Perhaps I am not really in middle age, but with the aforementioned reasoning, it feels a little bit like that.  My friends with more life experience call me young, the ones with less shudder to use the O-word.  I smile graciously at both.  Age is increasingly becoming a mere number, life is more and more about the wisdom I am receiving and the overall health of mind I am daily coming upon.  

Basically, I feel the healthiest and best I have ever felt in my life, in fact, I feel the youngest.  It's this feeling of more and more comfortable and at home with myself, that causes this inner peace to vibrate outwards.  The journey still continues, I still have yet a lot of healing and growth to come as my journal entries reflect, but this thought does not dismay me, because I have a sense of profound calm in the journey, that despite the highs and lows of self-discovery, I shall prevail and arise stronger.

My goals for a better life will be attained, if I take each day as it comes.  Yet, I am learning to enjoy the moment I have now, falling in love with who I am today, instead of waiting for some far off perfection that may never arrive itself.   Because our hopes and dreams have a way of shifting as we follow the path, becoming better than we ever imagined.  I always dreamed of becoming a famous movie star, instead I am doing more than just working as an actor but pursuing the calling of the role of film producer and learning all that it means to run a successful business (from the ground up, baby.)

Increasingly more in my life, I desire balance and calm stability in my life.  Even in moments of exhilaration, like the fun of rehearsals, being on a late night set filming a movie, opening night of a play, I want the steady focus that comes from self care.  As a woman with bipolar, falling into the madness of mania may have its appeal in the moment but afterwards leaves me with an element of shame.  I want, in the end, to maintain the steadiness of both feet planted firmly on the earth, steps focused, heel to toe, touching the ground as I move along my path.  For it is in that place that I find my most creative expression guaranteed and satisfied, not in the place of exhilarating mania where I awaken with the embarrassment of uncertainty, causing my self esteem to spiral back downwards.   

So, I follow my routines daily, sometimes they alter in some ways based on the goals I need to accomplish in that day, but others are fixed, like my daily reading and journaling, my exercise and yoga practices, practicing my healthy ketogenic diet, and ensuring that I acquire the sufficient 8 hours of sleep needed to maintain that desired stability.  

And, in this path, I am viewing the idea of success from a different lens, not merely that of popularity and wealth (although having the upward climb of financial security gives a certain calm), but of an overall spiritual and/or emotional state of being.  The art of creating for me, whether it be acting, writing, working on and editing a web-series project, putting together a vision board collage, or even painting rocks (the list could go on, I know) is not merely for the increase of financial gain and the upward rising of my business but an uplift to my soul and, I hope, for those that partake.  More and more, I no longer worry about the quantity, the numbers that are viewing, but focus more on the quality, does this creative outlet inspire me, make me smile, laugh, and feel more at one with myself? If so, then true success has been reached and outwards it goes to those others that will find it inspiring, making them smile, laugh, and feel more at one with themselves.  A worthy goal for all, I believe and one that is a life-long achievement.

As my dear friend, Corinne, once told me in my youthfully naive twenties, "recovery is life-long".  And, its true.  We rise from ashes to ashes, as it were, phoenixes ever being improved and transformed.  With one release of a struggle, we are healed and able to climb another mountain, to heal another wound, to forgive, and become more of who we were meant to be.  

At times, I look back with shame at the choices of my life, even as soon as 2019, and want to hang my head.  However, if I hadn't made those errors, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I am discovering that there are no failures in life, but lessons to help us to grow and deepen our connection with self and source (Divine, God, Goddess, Universe, choose your title).  

Life has an interesting way of taking us seemingly backwards and thus at times this seems to be a way to teach us the most essential lesson needed in that particular instance.  I found myself once more with the above actress, Shannen Doherty, in the foreground of my mind and viewing.  I believe pop culture has its place within the realm of our spiritual and emotional healing.  That said, way, way back in the far off nineties, Shannen was the star of "Beverly Hills, 90210", and she was my role model, of sorts, I deeply admired and loved her.  On the other hand, there were those that held hatred in their hearts in as much degree as I loved.  I find that interesting that there are individuals whatever the career or degree that cause that intense of emotions, whether positive or negative, and I feel its a facet to not just admire, but ponder.  For whatever reason, Shannen is one of those individuals that has been equally loved and hated at an intense level.  A goddess I call her, but whatever she be or not, she has proven herself to be strong, able to persevere, and stay true to herself.  This is the true reason I admired her then, although as an awkward teen struggling to figure out how to fit in and define myself, I would not have described it that way.  "She's so pretty," I would say, but inwardly I admired the confidence.  

Yes, she was and is brave.  She maintained working as an actress after being fired from two popular tv shows for alleged bad behavior, being slandered with the 'bitch' title during the shaky women's rights of the nineties, and then more recently fought the battle of breast cancer (and basically won.)  So, it was with excitement and gratitude that I saw her return to her roots on last summer's reboot, BH90210, and as I was pleased with the version of herself she played (and basically only watched for her), I was more impressed with her red carpet and publicity shots.  From the girl who used to dash about in such outfits as the above photo displays, along came Shannen in cute slacks, a fitted t-shirt, a leather jacket, and flat soled shoes, or some variety of sorts similar to that.  While the other actresses, Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth, smiled in front of the camera in their cute dresses and heels, Shannen strutted herself proudly, without any awkward worry about how she looked, laughing with her friends.  And, even though she wore these clothes, she looked beautiful, classy, and, dare I say, even sexy.  But, she wasn't trying...that's big here....she wasn't trying.  That's what impressed me the most.  The most sexiest and appealing thing about her today is that she is and isn't afraid to show it.  

So, thus in recent months, I have been following her lead.  It's funny to me that at 42 and her 49 I am still taking dress advice (or now rather life advice) but as I said before, she's special.  From what I see of her through her social media posts and interviews, she is teaching me more than who to date and what to wear as she once did, but more about how to be at peace with yourself, which battles to fight and which ones to let go, and how to live (and die, yes, I'll say it, she has terminal cancer) with grace.  

Which is basically the view I see it now from 42, the meaning of life for me is more about me and in that I feel an authentic love for those that come along my path.  I desire to help them find, love, and appreciate themselves as I seek mine.

When I say that I'm okay, well they look at me kinda strange

"Surely, you're not happy now, you no longer play the game"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6YnizK2LZs

Got something to say? Comment below.  I would love to hear your thoughts.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media production company with the intent to raise awareness through quality entertainment meant to enlighten, uplift, heal, and inspire.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Nate & Laura & How They Met

Act One, Scene two

Exterior: Lucy's backyard

(Same day)

(Lucy and the kids are playing together in the backyard.)

NATE3

Hey, Lucy! Hey kids!

LUCY

Nate? You're back?

NATE3

For a bit, yeah.

LUCY

What happened with...um...Kim?

NATE3

Well, she left.

LUCY

She left?

NATE3

For another guy.  Yep.  Sucks, huh?

LUCY

Yeah, sorry to hear that.  She doesn't deserve you!

NATE3

Heard you have made some...changes to, huh?

LUCY

Um, yeah.

NATE3

For the better, Lucy, for the better.

(Nate exits granny unit.)

If it isn't my buddy, my name-sake, Nate!

NATE

Hi.

NATE3

Why the long face, man?

LUCY

What's up, Nate? You okay?

NATE

Just got some really weird news earlier and...you know, kind of miss Laura.

Adam

Nate, push me on the swing!

NATE

Okay, buddy, here I come.

LUCY

Weird news?

NATE

Yeah, I don't think I should say.

NATE3

Suit yourself.

NATE

How are you doing, Lucy?

LUCY

Hanging in there, best I can.  Just trying to get some time with my little men.

NATE

Yeah, that's awesome.

LUCY

The only men I really need in my life! They'll never let me down.

NATE

True.

LUCY

Well, there's you.  My Stephen, My Adam, and My Manny.  That's all the guys I need.

NATE3

And me?

LUCY

Oh, yes, my neighbor.

CUTAWAY: Kiyah's living room.

(Kiyah sits in arm-chair, reading.  Samantha lays on the couch, looking at her phone.  There is a knock at the door.)

KIYAH

Who is it?

ASHLEY

Its me!

KIYAH

Come in, Ashley!

(Ashley enters and collapses on the floor near the couch.)

You okay, hon?

ASHLEY

I just had to do the hardest, weirdest thing ever.

SAMANTHA

Yeah? Was it waiting for the guy you've been sleeping to text you while pretending you aren't waiting?

ASHLEY

Um, no. Not that at all.

SAMANTHA

Oh. I see.

KIYAH

You want to talk about it, hon?

ASHLEY

I don't know...no, not really.

KIYAH

Okay. But if you do?

ASHLEY

Got it.

SAMANTHA

We could do some pre-production stuff on the show.  Laura should be back in a few days, we'll be able to start shooting some scenes with her and Nate--

ASHLEY

Her and Nate.

SAMANTHA

Yeah, they're like a thing now.  Its pretty awesome.

ASHLEY

Well, that's just swell.

SAMANTHA

Yeah, it is.  So, I was thinking we could start with all the interior scenes, using this place here for the main living area, what say you?

ASHLEY

How long have they been a thing?

SAMANTHA

Not long. I mean, its really new and then she had to go down south for her dad's funeral.  But, yeah, whatever, I thought you were cool with it.  You don't think you like him now, do you?

ASHLEY

No, no.

SAMANTHA

Then?

ASHLEY

Um, yeah...I don't know.  I'm happy for them, I guess.

SAMANTHA

Okay.  So, anyway, I was making some notes and came up with a shot list

(She sits up and picks up binder on coffee table, opens it.)

So, if you want to just check this over and let me know what you think.

ASHLEY

(looks over notes in binder for a few minutes)

I think I'm pregnant!!!!

KIYAH

What the hell?

SAMANTHA

Yeah, what the hell?

KIYAH

Is it...Nate's?

ASHLEY

Who else would it be?

KIYAH

Right.  That little bastard.

SAMANTHA

Does he know?

ASHLEY

Yeah, I told him. Just now.

KIYAH

And?

ASHLEY

He seemed kind of like he wanted to just take care of it, you know.

KIYAH

That little---

SAMANTHA

Guess the praying the Nate away wasn't that effective.

Fade into: Lucy's backyard, kids are playing in the backyard, Nate is pushing Adam on swing, Nate3 is standing behind fence, watching and laughing with them.

(Kiyah's car pulls into driveway. Kiyah gets out, along with Samantha, and then after a minute, Ashley.)

KIYAH

Where is he? Where is that little---

LUCY

Who? What is it, Kiyah?

(Kiyah sees Nate pushing Adam on swing.)

KIYAH

Nate, come over here this minute.

NATE3

Me?

NATE

Me?

LUCY

What is it, Kiyah? Why are you talking to my manny like he's a misbehaving kid?

KIYAH

Why don't you tell him, Nate?

(Ashley and Samantha get out of the car and starts walking towards them.  Ashley sees Nate3.)

ASHLEY

Nate?

NATE AND NATE3

Ashley?

Instant Karma

Easter. And We All Shine On!

This week I sat in a coffee shop writing.  I sat at the window looking out onto the patio.  A man on the patio was reading his Bible, enjoying the sunshine and the morning coffee. I laughed at him, no, let me explain, I didn't laugh at him directly.

I laughed at the life-style of which he is in, the life-style I used to prescribe to, try to conform myself towards.  A year ago or more, I might have packed up my computer and moved to another table so as not to see him, his activity bringing up flashbacks from that spiritually oppressive time of my life.  Even further back, I would have left the coffee shop entirely, unable to explain the uncontrollable shaking consuming me.

But instead on that day last week, I laughed.  As I recalled the controlling ways the church turned the loving words of God and Jesus into methods of dominating and submission, I laughed at all the absurd ways they did just that.  Instead of feeling that cold feeling of suffocation overwhelm me at the memory, instead of feeling the heartbreak over the friends I'd lost still in that life-style, I laughed. It's all rather absurd when you think about it.  And, after all, laughter is the best medicine, right?

A few days before this coffee shop encounter, a woman I work with, a teacher, had casually mentioned that Easter was first a pagan holiday, not primarily Christian.  It resonated within me as I reflect on how this last year I'm starting to embrace the earlier spiritual aspects of my younger self.

Then, Good Friday comes around.  A friend on Facebook requests assistance with what book to study in the Bible.  Without much thought, I answer him with what I recall being taught.  "Start in the New Testament and read a chapter a day," I post.  And truly, I was not bitter or sarcastic.

That night, at dinner, I talk to my boyfriend, Michael, about the Good Friday and Easter weekend packages of years passed.  I tell him about how on Good Friday we'd do our best to whip ourselves into some emotional feeling of contrition, remorse, while inwardly we felt nothing or at best, the opposite.  Instead of just attending the Good Friday service and allowing whatever was taught to hit us as it would, we had to fit ourselves into the mood of everyone else, conform so as not to lose points with the leadership and other attendees.  Then, come Sunday morning, high on coffee and jelly bean sugars, we'd praise Jesus with "He Is Risen" and you best hide any feelings of depression and unhappiness behind strained smiles of forced mirth.

I say to my boyfriend, "Was our faith genuine?" Yes, it was.  "Was the emotion genuine?" Most likely not.

But, still looking back there were times of sweetness even despite all the production that went into the Good Friday and Easter weekend package.  The Bible and its profound sweetness did hit me and did leave a lasting effect.

For when all is said and done, I bear no ill will or dislike to the Bible.  After reading other spiritual texts this last year, I have come to the understanding that it is one of the World's Spiritual Texts and should be honored as so.  ( A side note of import: This is my personal discovery and is not something I need to or will enforce on others spiritual paths.  I have had enough doctrinal viewpoints enforced upon me thus I won't do it to another. We all have our paths to spiritual and self-discovery, my path is not to dictate yours nor is yours mine.  Nor will enforcing one's views on another cause them to follow.)  Thus, when I saw this man at the coffee shop reading his Bible or my friend posting his request on Facebook, I can respond with love at that fond memory.  I recall mornings spent at coffee shops, my bible open, pouring through the words reaching down deep into my heart, penetrating and cleansing my soul, the sunlight hitting my face, the coffee warm to the taste.  I read other spiritual texts now with similar profundity.  I treasure those memories myself spent in personal bible study as a strong undertaking of my spiritual journey.  I will not condemn anyone else's personal study and reflection of that Holy Book despite my harsh experiences with the church and the organized religion of Christianity.

I forgive and in that forgiveness, I let go.  By letting go, I recall only the good memories, the sweet memories of deep Bible reflection and healing from it, sweet friendships over coffee, pizza, and other goodies, long, heartfelt prayers and good laughs.

Happy Easter and happy spring to all.  And, no matter where you are or what you believe, may blessings and love fall upon you.

Instant Karma

Girlhood Crush!

A little about me:  My name is Jill Summerfield, I'm 29 years old, newly married, and has just achieved my dream of running my own law firm.  Its small but its just beginning, who knows what the future will bring?

My husband, David, is my childhood sweetheart (well, one of them) and the man who got me started thinking seriously about law as a career.  I remain still fairly close with my best friend from high school, Debbie, or as she likes to be called these days, Wind-Passer or no, wait, Wind-Dancer.  (I think that's right.)  We are as close as can be expected with the fact that she lives across the Pacific in Hawaii and I live and work in the beautiful San Francisco.  She works for money in a restaurant and paints, smokes, and who knows what else by night.  I believe she is very talented and just wish she would do more with her life...this is a source of major contention and disagreement between both of us as to what "more in life" really means, and basically, has been since we were teenagers!

When all is said and done, I feel as if Debbie is more a sister than a friend and her involvement in my life is without question.

Debbie and I bonded when we were girls together over our mutual love of music, especially The Beatles.  She patiently stood by while I gushed over the amazing John Lennon and, for that matter, still have the same adoring affections for the man to this day.  Although my obsession has tamed a bit since my youth, I still find myself pulling out my old records and listening to such favorites as "All You Need is Love", "Yesterday", and "Because" especially during moments of stress.

All You Need Is Love

Although the divorce and subsequent marriage of John Lennon to Yoko Ono was shocking, to say the least, I really admire and believe in their message of "Give Peace a Chance" and "Make Love, Not War".  I see these truths as vital to the change we need to make in the world, starting with ourselves first and then allowing that to move outwards.

And, then the shocking news came....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwPI_aalZ8Q

Jill Summerfield is a character from the play, "Loving John Lennon" written by Darlene Ensor which will be read at Paschal Winery on February 28th and March 1st at 7 pm.  The play is directed by Michael Meyer and stars Brittany Bosworth, McKenzie Baratta, Lia Dugal, Kristen Lorange, Diane Nichols, and Becky Durango.  The show includes musical guest, Chiron O'Keefe.  Ten Dollars admission fee at the door.

Loving John Lennon Event Invite

http://www.paschalwinery.com/