All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

 

All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

Yesterday, April 29, 2022, marked another milestone of my life, leaving behind year 43 and beginning a new with 44 (& many more on channel 44).  Over the last year of intensive trauma-related therapy, I've had what seems like an intense reflection upon all of my past occurrences, flying quickly to the fore-front of my mind in a vivid recall, both happy but moreover the unhappy, darker times of my life, where impulse control ruled and poor decisions were executed.  I recall these moments to such a fine pointed degree that I can feel the emotion beyond my reactivity, the response of those around, the end result within, and then suddenly, I am once again in the present moment, reflecting upon all that transpired that caused me to react in that past moment.  

They say when you die, you realize all of your life flash before you as you transcend upwards toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  Perhaps, though, that is a metaphor for the therapeutic recovery process one undergoes during trauma work, causing a death to the old self, a thorough understanding within, and, finally, a deeper appreciation for the simplest aspects of life and all its lovely beauty.

So, here I am at 44, experiencing the fullness of the expense of all my life at once, recognizing at last that of every season, every decision, every high, every low, made me who I am today, leading me nearer and nearer towards the fullness of myself.  This revelation came about after taking advantage of the time off brought about by Covid19 restrictions shutting us down, going deeper within myself than ever before, and doing the hard work necessary, not just upon my creative projects (however, everything done, whether inner or outer, works to achieve soul wholeness), but upon healing, to find true freedom and enjoyment of life. 

"You are so full of life," a friend said of me, "I can't imagine what age you might be."

To her, I responded, its through the patient and steady efforts of healing recovery that true joy and love of life is acquired, nothing less will suffice. 

 Not the manic self my Bipolar brain falls into at times, for that is not at all akin to true joy and peace.  Only the steady and sure steps towards fully knowing, healing, and forgiving oneself is what will garner one towards inner prosperity.

Finally, the biggest gift given to me on this birthday was, in fact, not the breast reduction I received one week and a day before (although that was quite substantial, pun not intended), but the most vital gift of such healthy and fulfilling connections with true friends that uplift and finally give love towards me that is without conditions.  In so much of my life, I have quoted the message of my favorite movie, "The Wizard Of Oz", that being, "There is no place like home and home is of the heart", but truly the fullness of that was never realized until I took the painful but necessary steps to separate myself from that which was toxic, energy draining, the 'friends' that were more 'frenemy', and allowed the fullness of true friendship and pure love to surround and overwhelm.  From that well, I dove deep into my own self-love, continuously finding healing and strength to persevere, to once again, trust, and find the pure joy of living.

As I set forth on this first day of 44, wondering what experiences will become vivid memories in the years that tumble forth, hoping that it will be that which is the simple, the enjoying laughter of my trusted loved ones celebrating with me yesterday and last night, the taste of the three yummy coffee drinks I received for my day, the beautiful walk I took this morning with the few, soft drops of rain falling onto my hair, my cheek, my coffee down my long driveway of which I love to walk, but hate to drive upon in my small blue Kia that hits every bump dramatically no matter how slow and meticulously I drive, falling asleep mid-morning in bed reading with my beloved fur-daughter, Tansy, near by, such simple bliss will come in the days to come as well as those with more grandeur, but each I will take with the steady steps of one filled with love within and surrounded by the blessing of pure, unconditional without. 

Nothin' you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All You Need Is Love

Pondering Gabby **Content Warning: Domestic Violence/Intimate Partner Violence**

 

This is the story of a girl,
Who cried a river and drowned the whole world!
And while she looked so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love her,
When she smiles...

Absolutely(Story Of A Girl)

Over the last several weeks, like the rest of America, I have been enthralled with the case of lost girl, Gabby Petito and her fiance', Brian Laundrie.  I have restrained myself from commenting, from making assumptions about what happened and why, merely for my own safety and sanity, because I was afraid to look back, remember, and reveal to myself and others just what I experienced specifically in intimate partner violence, as a survivor of domestic abuse.  In truth that has become a label that I carry with me as a token of understanding and solidarity with the wonderful friends I have connected with in my journey of healing, however, rarely do I take the time to truly remember the nightmare itself.  

Looking at the above picture these last few weeks have left me feeling stymied, as I know truly and personally the overwhelming craziness of which Gabby is in in that specific moment.  I have sought to block it out, to not think about it.  In truth, I thought of posting another photo of her, one of a happier moment, in fact, throughout this entry, I shall scatter a couple throughout of happier moments of Gabby, but I needed to post the above as the entry photo because I, personally, needed to look, to remind, to recall, and in that, to continue my healing journey, see the vastness of strength of myself and others who are victims of DV, feel gratitude for their companionship and support, and, finally,  help others.

I married him in 2011, he came back into my life in a whirlwind in 2010, I met him in 2003 at a small and infamous to my heart, cafe in my college town, wherein I spent a year with him and several other ragtag friends being young, carefree, exploring the far regions of our souls together.  He, not knowing what the hard reality of my battle with mental illness I had been through the years we were apart, the heartbreak of losing my youthful hope and idealism shattered with the truth of my dysfunction, and he, never keeping his own demons very much a secret yet only revealing that which he could use for a tool of manipulation, came back into my life in full force of love-bombing.  Although I had learned a lot in those early days of my recovery, I still had a journey to come in dealing with my issues related to traumatic abuse throughout my life, relationship addiction, and such still, at 30, romanticized love as the end-all be all, the American Dream of the Hollywood and Disney combined, to rescue me out of my darkness.

Our relationship lasted for just under a year before we decided to get married during which we spent much of it long distance, I was swept away by the idealistic love story, the one I believed him to be, us reuniting after several years of distance.  The first few months of our marriage seemed to be awash in wedded bliss of the newly married.  All things seemed to abruptly change, almost over night, in August of 2011, when after due to his paranoid delusions of undiagnosed and untreated possible schizophrenia, he had been convincing me that the world as we knew it was set to end on August 2 with a full government take-over.  And I, having spent the last several years in a fundamentalist Christian church that heavily taught the end times theology, was easily deceived.  But, when I woke up on August 2nd, ready to see what happened, with nothing occuring, I questioned him about this.  He, being caught in his own lie, used the tactic of gas-lighting to say, "I said it might, it might, I didn't say it actually would".  (A side note: he was completely convinced it was to happen.)  Thus, my first step in not believing him, that reality of what really happened or did not happen, on August 2, 2011, was the moment when the magic ended and the darker side of his persona was finally revealed.  (In a way, that day in August, a month I have had bad memories with, was my first step away from toxicity, a first alarm attempting to wake me up.)

It is important to note that domestic violence and abuse comes in a myriad of forms, not just singular to that of physical violence or even intimate partner.  Furthermore, it is a cold reality that women are not always the victim and men the abuser, it is at times the other way around yet it appears differently and male victims have a much harder time proving their abuse.  In addition, abusers can be from all forms of life, for my part, I have experienced abuse from church leaders, colleagues, friends, lovers, and more.  Today, though, in pondering Gabby, I wish to reflect upon the horrors I experienced while marriage, though I must admit that my ex-husband was not the only abusive partner I have experienced in my past.

After that fateful August 2nd, the abusive control steadily ramped up.  There were long days wherein he yelled at me for hours, accusing me of such atrocities like poisoning him, of being incapable, of being crazy.  These days I would sit frozen while his anger showered over me, cowering against the wall, sobbing for him to 'please stop', evading the various objects he threw about.  And, finally, as hours past, I was weakened to the place of complete passivity, he would hold my hand as we sat outside, him smoking, me feeling as if I was more at fault than I was for the days long rampage.  Other times, I would watch him sit, days and nights on end, barely moving to shower or eat, at his computer, diligently working on some random project or scouring the internet over and over for proof of his conspiracy which only ramped up the flood of abuse he would rage against me and others.  Moments of bliss were few and far between, and sadly at times, I reveled when he turned his rage against another, those times were rare but I was then his allie again, his support against the world, a reminder of what our love and promises we had shared in happier times, times of ignorant bliss.  There were times too still and all too quiet, the energy in the house so thick with the waiting...times when in discussion he would calmly state, "when I yell at you," as if it was just normal, once again something I had caused.  The happier times grew fewer and farther between.  Unlike Gabby, I, thankfully,did not have much physical abuse, if you don't count the times he threw items at me that caused bruising, both physical and emotional, although it was quickly increasing towards that.  I have a memory of him yelling at me in the kitchen, I turned around, and a hand fell hard on my back, I turned back to him and demanded to know what was that, he frightened claimed his hand just slipped...a time when his back to our room-mate, my reaching for him in tears over the loss of my grandfather, he pretending as if he lost his balance stumbling back but swiping his hand near me barely missing, yet somehow it looked as if I had pushed him...him pinning me down on the bed claiming that my comfort towards him was suffocating and thus he had to show me...then me, running to my neighbor's house, seemingly day or night, fleeing from him but seeing him stalking by out the window while I sobbed inside...him blaming me completely for his cat's death...I could go on...

The nights after I had kicked him out, my poor room-mate (not the same one mentioned previous) would often comfort me from nightmares where I would scream or cry out in my sleep, "it's okay," she would whisper, gently reaching over and touching my arm.  

All this is very real demonstration of the manipulative tactics I have experienced from my ex-husband as well as the myriad of other abusers who have come into my life.  I wonder if they study these or if its just a fact of their brain and thus psychologists have come up with these based on studies.   Nevertheless, each of these I have experienced in my marriage and in the variety of other relationships.   

Gas-lighting: This is a type of emotional abuse wherein an abuser lies or downplays the impact of an event or something they say. It could include phrases like “It’s not that bad” or “you’re over-reacting” or even, “I never said that”. All of this can create doubt in your mind, and the end goal is to ensure that you’re the “crazy” one for ever questioning his behaviour.

Isolation: Not only controlling where you goes and who you talks to, but controlling what you read, listen too, and watch on TV or online.
Over-Protection: Like refusing to let you go anywhere or do certain things because he’s “worried” for your safety.
Blaming Others: This is a classic abuse tactic. Perpetrators rarely take responsibility for their actions – often placing the blame on you for causing the way they acted.
Separation Abuse: This could include forms of stalking, especially after the relationship has ended. The perpetrator will continually send flowers, gifts, or other trinkets, which shows that he can always find her. This can be a particularly effective tactic, because from the outside, the gestures seem kind and caring.
Manipulation of Social Systems: Such as court systems or CAS. This is a way of wielding systemic power over you, and the consequences are dire (such as custody of children).
Emotional Manipulation: Being on a “roller-coaster” emotionally with him. One moment he’s loving, kind and caring; the next he’s angry and aggressive. Women often say they feel like their “walking on eggshells” in their own home, to keep from trying to set off the abuser. This could also include things like degradation and undercutting your achievements, making you feel bad about yourself.
Threats: Making threats to harm your family, friends, and pets (this is extremely common, and is a huge barrier for women trying to leave the relationship).
Financial Abuse: Making sure you have zero control, knowledge or access to finances. Also a large barrier for women leaving the relationship. Often women must choose to stay, and live in violence, or leave and live in poverty.
Cyber Abuse and Cyber Stalking: This is such a wide topic, and has many different ways of appearing. It can include things like abusers posting your personal information online (address, phone number, etc), spreading rumours or photos, creating fake email addresses so you can’t block him, etc. All of these tactics are designed to humiliate, as well as take away your sense of security and privacy. Cyber abuse can also include hacking, stealing passwords, reading emails, forcing her to be available to him at all times, telling her who she can and can’t interact with through social media. (https://speakoutloud.net/intimate-partner-abuse/cyber-bullying ) It’s important to know that it’s impossible to keep yourself safe online. However, there are some things you can do to mitigate risk. If you are experiencing any of these types of abuse, please give us a call and we’ll support you in whatever way you need.

Taken from the website article: https://wrrcsa.org/education/how-to-hide-your-tracks-online/

Several of these, such as gas-lighting, isolation, blaming, and emotional manipulation, my ex-husband used to control me. Others have been used to some degree in other abusive relationships. Admittedly, I do see these used in Gabby's relationship with her abuser, most notably is that of isolation, continuously separating her from her loved ones whether it be to Florida or the van life. The saddest thing to note in this is that Gabby never got herself out, she never escaped. She will never know the true joy in life of healing from such horror, seeing the beauty of life in the simplicity of every day, of the connections made through the recovery journey through facebook and social media groups, connections with those walking the path out, and, for me, the dear sweet connection I have with my friend, my co-ex-wife (my partner's first wife), and his ex-girlfriend. There is such power in connecting with someone who knows almost completely what you experienced.

In the last few weeks I have been thinking upon my journey out of domestic abuse and that of those who have recovered with me and helped in my healing process. I have thought about my co-ex-wife and how she was of the same age range Gabby was when she got away from our mutual ex-husband. I think about the reasons she was able to do so was that she had this great source of love given to her by those around that developed in her an inner strength and resolve that helped her break free, and still does to this day. Not just her, but many, at whatever age that have broken free from the confines of abuse whatever it may be, it's the real love that may not be readily seen that provides the strength to be free. It's with such sadness that Gabby was never able to realize that and her death brings to mind the truth that myself, my co-ex-wife, my mutual ex-boyfriend friend, the many others who I have met through social media support groups, and so many could suffer the similar fate of Gabby Petito.

Upon writing this, I ask myself, why? why was I freed when she was not? Whatever you believe about life and what comes next, one source of some comfort comes in the notion that we choose a soul contract, a purpose for this life. I look at my relationship with my ex-husband beginning with our wild days at the cafe along side some other dear souls, including that of my other crush, the red-headed barista. At that time, I almost chose to go down the path of romance with the barista and often ponder how my life would have differed if I had. But I believe that my soul had a contract with my ex-husband, that his demons were refuge for me to hide from my own, and by being united with him for a time, I was able to discover that which I was afraid to look at and find the strength to heal and break free. It is only now that my light shines bright after years and years of recovery from trauma (with more to follow) that I am able to sit with the light of the red-head, to be able to explore those feelings I ran from for so long, in this little poly hinge triad situation we find ourselves within. What is the soul contract I have with him is something far more positive than the ex-husband and yet still to be known.

It was with that that perhaps Gabby had a soul contract alongside her fiance' to be a source of awakening, a chain breaker, an alarm clock finally ringing.  It is my hope that her life and the bright light she shone forth will not be in vain, that she will raise awareness for the many other women, men, and children gone missing in that region and beyond, as well she will become the face of domestic violence awareness, perhaps helping someone trapped in a similar relationship see that what occured for Gabby is highly probable for them.  

Let It Be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree

There will be an answer, let it be

For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see

There will be an answer, let it be

National Domestic Violence Hotline

National Missing & Unidentified Persons System

https://gabbypetitofoundation.org/

Endings Are Inevitable.

… And if we get to see tomorrow

I hope it's worth all the wait

It's hard to say goodbye to yesterday

… And I'll take with me the memories

To be my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday

It's So Hard To Say GoodBye To Yesterday

These past few days I have been reflecting upon the endings of events, both in my life personally and universally.  Throughout the last year, the world has been in shutdown due to a global pandemic for which the majority of time many wondered when it would finally have its ending and life could go back to normal.  What we call normal life though being is really a fallacy of our own making, a means to define and structure our lives to fit comfortably within our internal and external peace of mind and is truly fleeting in its stability.  Such as the 'Before Times' as referred to the Pre-Pandemic Era of 2020 have had its ending and will not return.  Thus, we have learned that what we deem normal is fleeting, irrelevant, and not truly, in fact, real.  And now, we can even see the light at the end of the tunnel of this Covid19 reality, at least, what it was we experienced before is now ending and turning into a different reality of such.

Everything has an ending so much as everything has its beginning.  I have experienced this first hand throughout my life as I live the bliss of the magical moments of togetherness in a variety of situation and thus also suffer the extremity of pain when that time of my life comes to its fruition and those that peopled that time of my life move forward as I do as well.  There is, then, a bitter heart break in that finality, one that should we reunite in whatever fashion, upon we realize that that moment has passed, is mere memory to be relived fondly, but never to come again. 

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

Turn! Turn! Turn!

In fact, the construct of this linear time that is our reality is truly always passing away, each second dissappearing into the ether as truly as we live.  Truthfully, each word I type is part of that mere seconds of time that soar by as my fingers spill over the keyboard, the thoughts flowing from my mind, expressing the profundity of the lesson to be learned and impacted into our psyches.

If, then, time is fleeting and the present only a momentary reality, if everything that begins has its ending, the best way to live is to enjoy the moment in itself, not agonizing over the good-bye, longing for the hello.  Yes, mourning the heart-break in saying farewell is a necessary part of life, grieving is a part of healing and all of our evolutionary process.  However, if stayed there too long, space is not created to make way for the new beginning yet to come.  It is true that in every beginning there is an ending, but similarily in every ending there is a new beginning, and onwards we go.

So, thus, the true power of living a joyful life is to practice the mindfulness of presence, of being in the moment, spoken widely by the wise ones of all the world religions and spiritual practices.  Yes, this is hard for all to truly embody but nonetheless something vital to strive ever towards in our personal journeys.  

For in living in the moment today, we build the fabric of the memory to uphold and treasure as we progress forward in our lives upward evolutionary movement towards our highest self and ultimate goal of pure soul identity.

There are places I'll remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

In My Life

Place

 

"It's the 'Place' of Oregon that means the most.  We must, first and foremost, cherish the 'Place'. All other good things will follow if we recognize the special beauty of Oregon first in our planning, if we revere the magic, if we protect the quality."--Tom McCall, 1970

Throughout my life, certain places have been a highlight of particular seasons of my life.  In recent times, within the last ten years or so, I have experienced fore-shadowing, of such, of the significance of certain places whose experience I have yet to behold. 

One such place is a little winery in Ruch, Oregon called LongSword Winery.  

The Story Of My Life

You're the story of my life

And every word is true

Each chapter sings your name

Each page begins with you

It's the story of our times

And never letting go

And if I die today

I wanted you to know

When I had only recently returned to life in Oregon in 2011, as a fresh bride and newly-wed with high hopes of wedded bliss and the happily ever after,  my husband would drive me out to the Applegate region of Southern Oregon to visit some ne-er-do-well type friends of his of whom we'd spend the night in secretive revelry.  Our journeys would take us past this winery and I would, for reasons unbeknownst to myself at the time, make a mental note of its place.

As time unfolded through my not so wedded bliss life, I would find in my husband one such of extremity of toxic abuse stemming from his undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenia that my dreams of living the socially acceptable life of the husband, the 2.5 kids, and white picket fence would all to swiftly be smashed in the ruins of my own daily struggles against his railed abuses.  Even before walking down the aisle towards life with him, I had spent years within the confines of a church not unlike a cult in some ways, as well as with others in my life, whose constant presence in my life did its best to devalue and destroy my inner sense of trust of my own ability and self worth.  Thus, I was prime fodder for my husband's destruction of my soul.

So, back then when I traveled past Longsword and other places which would hitherto become essential to my evolution, as a timid shell of a human looking out at the world with diminishing hope and an increasing lack of self worth, I could never imagine that the slight steps I was then taking, auditioning for a few plays, would lead me forward on a journey towards freedom from the abuse, healing through the divorce into relationships that would uplift, not destroy.  Through these strengthening me, I would increase, not decrease.

The journey would lead me to the year 2018 where I would audition for a play directed by my friend, Madeline DeCourcey, who at the time our connection had been minimal but would thereafter deepen in the ascending years to follow.  And, that audition would lead to the casting that would put me in contact with friend, Jae Unker, whose presence in my life would invite me to join her in the building up of a new theatre (Wanderlust Theatre Company) in the Applegate Valley, located at none other than Longsword Winery.

Once arriving at Longsword Winery, it would take some time before I recalled that frightened child of a woman traveling by making a mental note but once done I marveled at the journey and the realization of the Universe's guidance towards this place.  

In this place, this winery, I would become a lost boy, flying about with this new colorful family through the adventure of Neverland and beyond, beyond into the increasing development of my self worth.  

Throughout the separation of the great quarantine of 2020, their presence would remain albeit removed, not to detract, destroy, but to be an ever present reminder of the true purpose of real friendship, one's chosen family.

In this photo seen above, I sit at the read-thru of the next production of Wanderlust Theatre Company's showcases, Dracula.  I am not attending as an actor, as I have stepped back from that, a reality that seems at once strange yet natural to my growth as human and artist.  No, instead I am present as a documentarian, something my heart has longed to showcase in every play I have been a part of, and as I sit there, cross-legged, masked to protection, camera at the ready, marveling at the building up of chosen family to uplift, empower, and with that, I send the message of promise to my younger frightened self of 2011.  She will be freed and increasingly so, both external and internal, and the places she is led will be the catapult to define her soul's journey and evolution. 

In My Life

There are places I'll remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

Adulting Ain't Hard!

Somewhere Only We Know

"Hashtag Adulting" reads the meme above.  It's a popular turn of phrase about the inter-webs and in various conversations these days.  The idea of having to do the day to day life struggles in a manner that fits the image of what an adult would be all the while pining to return once more to childhood.  It is an oddity that we spend a great deal of our youthful childhood in the naive state of "when I grow up" and yet when we reach the stage of "grown-up-ness", we simply want to propel ourselves back to our younger days.  Perhaps, it is humanity's deeper issue of always wishing for, longing for what we do not have, looking outward rather than inward, and glorifying the past as somehow simpler and easier, not quite recalling the struggles that were so real in those times.  Because the truest statement is that all times of our lives have their struggles and their joys, the journey is in finding the peace within whatever state we find ourselves in and the gratitude to live a life full of inner joy despite the external circumstances.  For to be in a state of happiness is not solely based on outward reality, but when the internal maintains a state of peace despite the outward storms that may rage and rampage.

Increasingly, I have stopped viewing "adulting" in terms of being a grown-up but more as the notion of growing up.  Life is a journey of which we never fully arrive, there is always more to learn, more 'growing up' to do along the course of our existence on this blue marble we call our home.  Turning our view point not to the chores of the daily tasks, stepping back from being an "a-dult", but rather to see the journey in life in the act of being, the process of growing up.  In that way, I have found, the day to day tasks and toils do not become something to be dreaded but an adventure, a joy to discover, a puzzle to figure out, a step forward in the next phase of our evolution.  

In my life, I have started making daily lists of tasks both personal and professional to cross off as I accomplish, not needing to finish all but knowing the end goal for my days, weeks, months, and so forth.  In this way, not only do I feel a sense of accomplishment for reaching even the smaller goals each day and find myself daily moving towards fulfilling the larger ones, but the joy in living as a 'grown-up' is present as well.  It has become a little game as it were, even the details of managing my money inward and outward flow, paying the bills, is seen in that way.  

Life has become a joy and so even in times of turmoil, I find a sense of inner calm and centered awareness.  The routine of my life is one that I actively choose and ordain for myself.  I do my best to be mindful of all aspects of what I consume, both physical and spiritual, to spend time each day reading and journaling, exercise, yoga, meditation, getting out in nature (thankfully I am a dog-walker so my survival job affords me the ability to play outside, paid hiking as it were), which gives me the sense of balance needed to have sustainable focus from day to day. 

I cannot claim to be an expert at "hashtag adulting" or even that I have officially grown-up, as it were.  I am in the process of growth, the journey onward.  I still have days of weakness, where I find myself screaming "Why?" at the universe when all things feel desperate.  But focusing on mindfulness daily helps me return to that sense of inner peace which is a guide to help navigate forward despite the pitfalls which may seem to hinder my path.

We would sing and dance around
Because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden in the shade

We would shout and swim about
The coral that lies beneath the waves
(Lies beneath the ocean waves)
Oh what joy for every girl and boy
Knowing they're happy and they're safe
(Happy and they're safe)

We would be so happy you and me
No one there to tell us what to do
I'd like to be under the sea
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you
In an octopus's garden with you

Octopus's Garden

Did you find this article interesting? Have a response, comment below.  I do my best to respond to all comments and welcome all points of view, as long as they are not inflammatory.

The Thriving Artist blog is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company striving to raise awareness for  a variety of social issues and to effect real change.  Support Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions 

Hope For Humanity

We are now in the thick of the election season and as per the usual in recent times, the fear arises.  Will my candidate win or will he lose? Will the already corrupt government system remain or will we finally prevail as "We the People?"  And I, for one, am not immune to this fear.  This concern not just for the welfare of my life, but for the future of my country for those I love and particularly my nieces, nephew, and children in my life, as well as for our Mother Earth.  

But, in days frequent, I have stepped back from the media hype that invades my electronic devices with propaganda trying to make me believe it is news, and instead seek to center myself and re-focus.  In addition, I have been reading the book, "Radical Forgiveness: Making Room For The Miracle" by Colin C. Tipping and its given me pause to reflect upon the reason behind the current political and, dare I say, spiritual upheaval in the country and my world.

This text, and my growing belief, states that the emotional turmoil that is we believe is caused by what we see is external but in fact is actually a lesson to help us grow and heal from the wounds we carry.  These wounds are most likely those we try to hide or, at least, try not to look at too closely, but try as we might to run, our pain will catch us up and overwhelm.  And, overwhelm they will, no matter how hard we try to push down.  So, what is seemingly an external irritant is in fact a beloved teacher meant to heal and transform. 

Here's the thing.  We as individuals, a country, a world, cannot run from ourselves.  We will continually be confronted with our own pain, our own issues, brought to us in the lesson of different individuals and circumstances until we surrender to the divine, listen, learn, heal, and release.  I believe wholeheartedly that not only do we need to do this on an individual level but more and more that this is the reasoning behind current national upheaval as well as the world pains and issues.

So, what then do we do?  Yes, I do what I can for my country, my world.  I vote, I stay aware, I recycle, I give...but it all starts for me from the place of self care, personal growth, and self awareness.  Without that centering, I can become off-kilter and quickly fly into the place not just of anger but scape-goating, victimhood, and blame of which will never bring healing and resolution.

Our one recourse for a better nation and world starts with us personally.  There is a deeper reason behind Senator Sanders, "Not Me, Us" slogan and it has nothing to do with politics, but the spiritual, emotional, psychology.   Visualization for a victory of a better world is important but coming from a place free of fear and anger begins with our own healing.  We will continue to be confronted with our own demons in the guise of people and circumstances both on a individual, local, national, and global level until we can learn to surrender, listen, learn, and heal from the lesson given.  It is only then that true evolution and victory will arise.

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

And I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter

Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun

And I say it's all right

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc1ta1UMGeo

www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Nate & Laura & How They Met

Act Two, scene Two

Exterior: Farmer's Market

(Samantha and Laura are jogging on the street.)

SAMANTHA

Oh, the market! Let's stop here a minute.

LAURA

You just want to see your Nate!

SAMANTHA

Do you blame me?

(The girls move into the market and head to Nate2's booth.)

Interior: Nate2's Vegetable Booth.

NATE2

Hey there, its you!

SAMANTHA

Its me! How are you?

NATE2

Good. Did you get my text?

SAMANTHA

I got your text.  I sent you one back, did you get it?

NATE2

I don't think so.  Damn technology. So? You want anything?

SAMANTHA

Definitely.

(Laura spots Nate a few booths over.  She tugs on Samantha's sleeve, Samantha looks at her, Laura motions towards Nate, and Samantha spots Nate at the other booth.)

NATE2

So, you free later? Want to hang out? Coffee?

SAMANTHA

Yes!

(to Nate at the other booth.)

Hey Nate!

(Laura cringes.)

NATE2

Nate?

(Nate looks up and sees Laura and Samantha, he smiles sheepishly but doesn't move.)

SAMANTHA

Come over here, Nate.

(Nate cautiously makes his way over to Laura and Samantha.)

Nate, this is...uh...Nate.

NATE2

Hey.

NATE

Hi! How are you?

SAMANTHA

Uh, Nate is Laura's...friend.

(Laura grabs Samantha and pulls her aside.)

LAURA

OMG! What are you doing?

SAMANTHA

What? My Nate thought that Your Nate was My Nate too so I had to...he is your Nate, sort of, isn't he?

LAURA

I just haven't talked to him since...

SAMANTHA

So, now's your chance.

LAURA

Its just awkward.

SAMANTHA

It doesn't have to be.

(Samantha puts her arm around Laura and leads her back to the Nates.)

So, coffee later? I'd love that.

NATE2

Downtown grounds? 2 pm?

SAMANTHA

I'll be there.

NATE

Hey there, Laura.

LAURA

Um, hi.

(They start to walk away slowly.)

NATE

How've you been?

LAURA

Good. I'm sorry I've been so...distant. This isn't easy for me.

NATE

This?

LAURA

This....thing.  Dating...relationships...Love.  Its hard.

NATE

Oh I see.

LAURA

Trust issues, you know?

NATE

Yeah, I know.

(Their eyes meet, they walk in silence for a moment.)

LAURA

Bell ringing for you?

NATE

Loudly, yes.

LAURA

Mine too.

NATE

You have a bell too?

LAURA

Oh yeah.

NATE

I guess that explains the ringtone.

LAURA

Oh yeah.  I tried to smother it because...

NATE

Yeah.

LAURA

Because I'm weird.

NATE

Yeah.

LAURA

Hey!

NATE

I'm kidding.

LAURA

When I let the bell just be...a bell...its so easy. To talk to you.

NATE

Be with you.

LAURA

Yeah, no explanation needed.  Just is what it is.

NATE

Yeah.  Coffee?

LAURA

I'd like that.

(They head to the coffee booth.)

BARISTA

Hi there! What can I get for you? Oh, its you guys again!

NATE

Yeah, its us.  How are you?

BARISTA

Doing well.  Where's the little one?

NATE

With his grandma.

BARISTA

How are you?

NATE

Doing wonderful.  We're letting bells be bells.

(He reaches for Laura's hand, she takes it.  They smile at each other and stand there holding hands.)

BARISTA

Ah, I see.  So, what do you want then?

NATE

Um, two lattes please?

LAURA

Yeah, I'd love a latte.

(Nate hands the barista his debit card, she takes it.)

BARISTA

Right. I'll get right on that.

(Barista starts preparing drinks. Nate turns to Laura.  He smiles at her, she smiles at him.)

Fade INTO:

(Ashley, in drug store, pushing cart down aisle.  She stops and surveys shelves before her.)

POV: Ashley, shelves filled with pregnancy tests, Condoms, etc.

Camera Pans Into One Pregnancy Test, Ashley picks it up

CLOSE UP: Ashley's face, she sighs.

Fade into: Farmer's Market

(Nate and Laura walking hand in hand, carrying lattes, smiling at each other, talking happily.)

Till There Was You

Nate & Laura & How They Met

Act Two, Scene One

Interior: Bar, Nate standing at table with Kiyah & Laura.

NATE

Do you remember me?

LAURA

Yeah, um, the car, right?

NATE

Yeah, that's right.

LAURA

Did you ever get that fixed or...?

NATE

Its in the shop right now.

KIYAH

Have a seat, Nate!

(She moves so he can sit next to her.  Nate sits across from Laura.)

LAURA

It's not Benjamin's shop, is it?

NATE

A friend of Lucy's--

LAURA

Ugh, Benjamin!

NATE

Yeah, he seems like quite the guy.

(Door opens. Ashley, a small twenty-something Asian American, enters.)

ASHLEY

Hi guys!!!!

KIYAH

Ashley's here!

LAURA

Hi Ashley!

ASHLEY

Guess who just aced her math test?

KIYAH AND LAURA

Congratulations!

KIYAH

This calls for celebration.  Drinks all around!

(Kiyah and Ashley head to the bar to order.)

LAURA

You want something?

NATE

Yeah, I could do that. You?

LAURA

Kiyah's buying for me, this round.  Thanks.

(Nate stands, starts to leave, then stops.)

NATE

Laura, I saw you...

LAURA

Saw me?

NATE

Earlier today with...never mind.

(He leaves to get a drink.  Kiyah and Ashley come back with drinks in hand.  Kiyah carries two rum and cokes, Ashley carries one.  Kiyah sets in front of Laura.  Laura glances over her shoulder at Nate, ordering.  She looks at Kiyah, eyebrows raised.)

KIYAH

Oh, I know.  I know.  Lucy lucked out in the manny selection.

LAURA

Wonder how Eddie feels about that!

ASHLEY

Wait, what are you guys talking about?

KIYAH

That's Nate.  Lucy's new manny.

ASHLEY

Manny?

KIYAH

Male nanny?

(Laura stands with drink and crosses over to Nate.)

Exterior: Nate and Laura at the bar.

NATE

Hi...

LAURA

So...

NATE

So?

LAURA

You said, you saw me?

NATE

Yeah, with--

(Bartender approaches hands drink to Nate, Nate takes it, thanks him.)

You want to go find a place to talk, in private?

LAURA

Yeah, sure, I'd like that.

Interior: Backroom of bar.  Nate and Laura sit together on couch.

So, you saw me?

NATE

Yeah, you were with that guy, your boyfriend--

LAURA

Ex.

NATE

You broke up?

LAURA

Just.

NATE

Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.

LAURA

Really?

NATE

Okay, from what I saw today, maybe I'm not.

LAURA

Yeah, that's what everyone is saying.

NATE

So, what now?

LAURA

I don't know, move in with Kiyah, I guess.  Be by myself, learn to love myself, appreciate being alone, you know the drill.

NATE

The drill?

LAURA

The drill.  Every time you break up with someone its always, "I am just going to be by myself for awhile" and all that crap.  I mean, you mean well but then something happens, someone comes along and there you are right back at the beginning.

NATE

Right back at the beginning.

LAURA

Yeah, that.

(Their eyes meet.)

So, about Nate?

NATE

About me?

LAURA

What's your story?

NATE

My story? I just moved here, new job, new life, new...beginning.

(Laura laughs.)

LAURA

Really? New beginning?

NATE

Oh yeah, really.

LAURA

You left someone behind?

NATE

No, she left me.  Now she wants me back.

LAURA

Oh, lame.  I feel you, man.

(She raises her glass to his, they toast.)

To dumping the assholes!

(They toast.  Nate takes a sip of his drink, ponders.)

NATE

Yeah.  I wouldn't call her an asshole...just confused.  I mean, she's just 24, but has never had a boyfriend before so I can't really blame her for...you know, cheating on me.  I mean, she hasn't had time to explore, I guess...

CLOSE UP:Laura's face, listening.

MEDIUM: Laura listening to Nate talking.

(A bell is heart ringing.  Laura looks around, sees a bell medium sized on the floor before her.  She looks around, Nate continues talking inaudibly, no one else notices bell.  She looks at Nate.  It rings louder and louder and louder.  She gasps, shakes her head violently. She gets up, tries to pick bell up but it is too heavy.  She starts kicking it, she hurts her foot.  She starts shoving pillows inside of it.  Finally the bell becomes muffled. She sits back down on couch and everything returns to normal around her.)

NATE

So, you know, I guess I'm just trying to figure out life right now, what I want, who I am.  You know, the drill.

LAURA

Yeah.

(Laura gulps down a big sip of her drink.)

The drill.

Till There Was You

Girlhood Crush!

A little about me:  My name is Jill Summerfield, I'm 29 years old, newly married, and has just achieved my dream of running my own law firm.  Its small but its just beginning, who knows what the future will bring?

My husband, David, is my childhood sweetheart (well, one of them) and the man who got me started thinking seriously about law as a career.  I remain still fairly close with my best friend from high school, Debbie, or as she likes to be called these days, Wind-Passer or no, wait, Wind-Dancer.  (I think that's right.)  We are as close as can be expected with the fact that she lives across the Pacific in Hawaii and I live and work in the beautiful San Francisco.  She works for money in a restaurant and paints, smokes, and who knows what else by night.  I believe she is very talented and just wish she would do more with her life...this is a source of major contention and disagreement between both of us as to what "more in life" really means, and basically, has been since we were teenagers!

When all is said and done, I feel as if Debbie is more a sister than a friend and her involvement in my life is without question.

Debbie and I bonded when we were girls together over our mutual love of music, especially The Beatles.  She patiently stood by while I gushed over the amazing John Lennon and, for that matter, still have the same adoring affections for the man to this day.  Although my obsession has tamed a bit since my youth, I still find myself pulling out my old records and listening to such favorites as "All You Need is Love", "Yesterday", and "Because" especially during moments of stress.

All You Need Is Love

Although the divorce and subsequent marriage of John Lennon to Yoko Ono was shocking, to say the least, I really admire and believe in their message of "Give Peace a Chance" and "Make Love, Not War".  I see these truths as vital to the change we need to make in the world, starting with ourselves first and then allowing that to move outwards.

And, then the shocking news came....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uwPI_aalZ8Q

Jill Summerfield is a character from the play, "Loving John Lennon" written by Darlene Ensor which will be read at Paschal Winery on February 28th and March 1st at 7 pm.  The play is directed by Michael Meyer and stars Brittany Bosworth, McKenzie Baratta, Lia Dugal, Kristen Lorange, Diane Nichols, and Becky Durango.  The show includes musical guest, Chiron O'Keefe.  Ten Dollars admission fee at the door.

Loving John Lennon Event Invite

http://www.paschalwinery.com/