All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

 

All Of Me At Once & Many More On Channel 44!

Yesterday, April 29, 2022, marked another milestone of my life, leaving behind year 43 and beginning a new with 44 (& many more on channel 44).  Over the last year of intensive trauma-related therapy, I've had what seems like an intense reflection upon all of my past occurrences, flying quickly to the fore-front of my mind in a vivid recall, both happy but moreover the unhappy, darker times of my life, where impulse control ruled and poor decisions were executed.  I recall these moments to such a fine pointed degree that I can feel the emotion beyond my reactivity, the response of those around, the end result within, and then suddenly, I am once again in the present moment, reflecting upon all that transpired that caused me to react in that past moment.  

They say when you die, you realize all of your life flash before you as you transcend upwards toward the light at the end of the tunnel.  Perhaps, though, that is a metaphor for the therapeutic recovery process one undergoes during trauma work, causing a death to the old self, a thorough understanding within, and, finally, a deeper appreciation for the simplest aspects of life and all its lovely beauty.

So, here I am at 44, experiencing the fullness of the expense of all my life at once, recognizing at last that of every season, every decision, every high, every low, made me who I am today, leading me nearer and nearer towards the fullness of myself.  This revelation came about after taking advantage of the time off brought about by Covid19 restrictions shutting us down, going deeper within myself than ever before, and doing the hard work necessary, not just upon my creative projects (however, everything done, whether inner or outer, works to achieve soul wholeness), but upon healing, to find true freedom and enjoyment of life. 

"You are so full of life," a friend said of me, "I can't imagine what age you might be."

To her, I responded, its through the patient and steady efforts of healing recovery that true joy and love of life is acquired, nothing less will suffice. 

 Not the manic self my Bipolar brain falls into at times, for that is not at all akin to true joy and peace.  Only the steady and sure steps towards fully knowing, healing, and forgiving oneself is what will garner one towards inner prosperity.

Finally, the biggest gift given to me on this birthday was, in fact, not the breast reduction I received one week and a day before (although that was quite substantial, pun not intended), but the most vital gift of such healthy and fulfilling connections with true friends that uplift and finally give love towards me that is without conditions.  In so much of my life, I have quoted the message of my favorite movie, "The Wizard Of Oz", that being, "There is no place like home and home is of the heart", but truly the fullness of that was never realized until I took the painful but necessary steps to separate myself from that which was toxic, energy draining, the 'friends' that were more 'frenemy', and allowed the fullness of true friendship and pure love to surround and overwhelm.  From that well, I dove deep into my own self-love, continuously finding healing and strength to persevere, to once again, trust, and find the pure joy of living.

As I set forth on this first day of 44, wondering what experiences will become vivid memories in the years that tumble forth, hoping that it will be that which is the simple, the enjoying laughter of my trusted loved ones celebrating with me yesterday and last night, the taste of the three yummy coffee drinks I received for my day, the beautiful walk I took this morning with the few, soft drops of rain falling onto my hair, my cheek, my coffee down my long driveway of which I love to walk, but hate to drive upon in my small blue Kia that hits every bump dramatically no matter how slow and meticulously I drive, falling asleep mid-morning in bed reading with my beloved fur-daughter, Tansy, near by, such simple bliss will come in the days to come as well as those with more grandeur, but each I will take with the steady steps of one filled with love within and surrounded by the blessing of pure, unconditional without. 

Nothin' you can do, but you can learn how to be you in time
It's easy

All You Need Is Love

All Laid Bare

Recently, on my social media, I began sharing the darker side of my soul. It came to me that many may think this is me bragging or not taking responsibility. Nothing could be further from the truth. I take full responsibility for my past actions, abuses, and behaviors, and know fully the harm they caused for myself personally and others.

The reality of it all is that we, humans, are a people of nuance, not just light or dark, but a mixture of both. In society, and increasingly with the advent of social media, we seek to hide our not so nice moments in the dark, hoping that they shall never reach the light of day. We then plaster our social media pages with pictures of the happiness of our life, perhaps hoping to prove to ourselves as well as to others.

Now, I am very pro-being thankful and having a gratitude list, as it is valuable, but what when the positive is all we care to reveal, all we care ourselves to look at. We are hiding truths from ourselves, a dis-service to ourselves as well as to others, as we are not living in full authenticity.

What if we shared all of ourselves? What then? What if we lived in full authenticity, our thoughts, behaviors, actions from past and the present shared for all to see...

During the 2000s, I had my first real breakdown which led to my initial diagnosis. It was during this time that I spun out of control with my anger and hurt a lot of people I truly care about with my words and actions.

I can never take back what I did to those individuals as well as to others I hurt throughout my lives. I am constantly in awe of the friendships that have remained throughout my life, holding those so dear with such gratitude. I wonder why so many have stayed who have seen such of my darkness...

All I can do for those whose presence in my life has long since ended because of my behavior is to send love backwards to all of them, thank them profusely for the purpose they proved in my life, and realize the greatness of what purpose it caused in me.

It led to my recovery, my healing, to where I am today. Finally, on the other side, whole, complete, centered, positive relationships only, little to no drama. I made it.

And, as I sit here on the other side of yesterday, I see now another purpose lighting my vision. I am one who has forayed into the utmost darkness of my own soul as well as others, who has come out the other side, into the light, with gratitude, and become more whole.

My purpose then is to be fully & truthfully authentic, to bear the light of healing for others, so as they may fully & truthfully live in their authentic selves.

Thank you for all of those who came across my path. I cherish our times together & the love you gave.