Wokeism: The New Fundamentalism #woke #gotwoke #fundamentalism #fundie #fundamentalist

 

Full transparency, I am, what would be considered by many, a woke feminist (fun fact: a guy I was seeing once referred to me chidingly as a 'feminist', even more fun, I stayed linked to him for three more years...yikes, enough about MY SHAME!).  Overall, I find the original context of woke to be powerful and meaningful in living an empowered, authentic, forward moving life.  

Originating from African American Vernacular English since the 1930s, woke found resurgence in the 2010s, used as a means of encouragement to awaken to the injustices everywhere with the hopes that speaking out would impact change.  Such has been the positive influence of the term, "woke" within the last decade, such as the rise of awareness of mistreatment of Black Americans and police brutality, the uprising and seemingly approval of white supremacy by certain government leaders, to the 2020 election of Biden v. Trump, among many.  Thus, woke, in its original meaning, is powerful and one of which I will continue to practice with pride.  I will, in fact, work to 'Stay Woke'.

However, as in anything positive, a darker side has emerged, such that seems to be nearing a similarity with the organized religion it claims to disagree.  It would seem that woke has become misinterpreted and misused in order to shame into silence those who may not follow the acceptable status quo of who and what is in and who is out (see: cancelled) and use the appropriate lingo and language depicted by society.  Those who would seem to speak out against this new version of "woke" are chastised, chided, cancelled, just look at Dave Chapelle and Ricky Gervais as an example.  Liking or viewing that which has spoken against, used the wrong terminology, thus been cancelled and called 'anti-woke bigots' are attacked as a kin to such.  This inability to listen to one's intent over the correct word usage and terminology, lack of critical thinking skills, and increased focus on substituting individuality over conformity is startling me into recognizing the traits of this new woke with that of Fundamentalism, specifically that of Christian from my own personal experience.

Once again, I spent 7, maybe 8 years, of my life as what I now deem a fundamentalist Christian, what society and active believers describe as 'evangelical Christian'.  Yet with the meaning behind evangelical to be 'sharing of good news', I would rather not give such term to a fundamentalist Christian, or any fundamentalist, as such there does not appear to be any sort of good news or good energy being shared, contrary to what they would think.  That said, as a Fundie, I found myself falling into the trap of those around me of using select words and phrases, Christianeze, not understandable to those outside.  However relatable this is to an enclosed, exclusive, controlling worldview such as present day conservative Christians, what is more insidious is the damage within.  If one within the church's confines does not use the correctly prescribed word, phrase, or description of scripture, he or she is met with a declaration negative and made to feel shame, that said, the intent of what is being said is not being heard.  (Sound familiar?) Personally, I recall an experience where I shared with a friend what I had learned during a bible study from a pastor of the same denomination whose description of scripture differed from the status quo, of which was declared incorrect, no discussion granted, and the friend quickly exited the conversation.  Furthermore, this hyper-fixation on one's prescribed literal translation lends itself to disagreement, downplaying, and even strife between other conservative Christian churches, although their basic doctrine and belief in Jesus would appear the same.

It is important now to state that I have no issue with organized religion, Christianity, or the Woke culture if such is done within the true nature and purpose of its origins.  However, to me, my past history as a fundie Christian, seems increasingly more apparent within the woke culture of which has now become ridicule from the Christian Right and governmental leadership seeking to destroy.  The ironic reality is that fundamentalist Christians and the Woke-ists are following the same standards within the context of their own inner beliefs, yet both blinded by what their own exclusivity.  

The answer then for either the Woke or the Christian is to look within, understanding one's own benefits and biases, working through one's own struggles and using such as a foundation to impact change without, not wanting others to conform but seeking healing and individuality for all.  Basically, seeking all to be awakened, rather woke, to themselves first, then to the rights and needs of society.  For healing within is what guides to true peace without.

I Have a Dream speech by Martin Luther King .Jr HD (subtitled)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woke

This article is more than 2 years old We need to discuss the word ‘woke’

Purity Culture Survivor to Life Model Thriver #exvangelical #exfundie #purityculture #artmodel

 

First, I find it important to express that the society of the United States has long been one governed by a patriarchal and even a puritanical worldview, stemming from the country's origins and history.  It is a battle continuously fought against this day by feminist and allies alike.  However, this underlying theme has influenced one of the most popular of world religions to manifest in ways, although on the surface seem positive, hold a controlling element of demeaning toxicity.  I speak that of the Fundamentalist Christian or Mainstream Christian Right's emphasis on 'purity' in all things, such as modesty in clothing and attire, guarding one's virginity towards marriage, and remaining pure in one's overall conduct so as to be 'above reproach'.  

Although a long held belief by Christian Extremists, the Purity Culture truly took root and began to flourish in the 1990s.  With the backdrop of the AIDs epidemic, Christian leaders and parents saw that as an opportunity to sharply condemn sex outside of marriage as a reasoning for the reality of sin's destruction.  As I type, I find myself wanting to share something positive about the overall Purity Culture, in order to not to seem bias.  Yet, all I can recognize is that the need to protect one's children from the horrors of disease or other outside troubles is at its core understandably noble in its own way.  But, as the years went by, the AIDs epidemic became less of a threat, yet the Purity Culture and the Christian leadership ramped up its vitriolic control, in the guise of love, the effect of which left those taught with an ample supply of body and sexual fear, shame, and guilt.  

And, thus was I.  This is my story.

I wasn't raised Christian, or of any faith, for that matter.  Although in my early years of childhood, I had some belief of 'God', like the cartoons pictured him in a long white bearded dude, in a white gown, floating around in the clouds.  Later on, in high school, I spent summers pouring through books on Buddhism and most notably Wiccan and Paganism.  My pathway towards Christianity was marked with an overall interest in being a seeker of 'something else' coupled with an increasing degree of unresolved pain from lifelong abuse and feelings of neglect.  Constantly seeking outside for some connection, a savior to rescue whether a boyfriend or something else, I found myself falling into the organized religion of Christianity in the brand of my college's town local branch of 'Calvary Chapel'.  On par with my need for outward protection and love, my not good at all college boyfriend dragged me to the church and then proudly proclaimed how he 'led me to the lord' to all we knew.  I don't want to give an overall 'testimony' of the highs and lows of my journey through Calvary's form of Christianity and its effects, I have done so in previous blog entries, but I do feel it of import for this entry to state that as much as I sought outwardly for some rescuer, I pushed all authentic connection far from me out of my own fearful insecurities of letting others into an already damaged heart.

In short, I was ripe for the teachings of the 'purity culture'  and its weaponized usage of the teachings of Jesus.  And, thus it did.  When I became a Christian at age 22, give or take, I had already committed the act of premarital sex a few times, rather, I was not a virgin.  Indeed, the not good at all college boyfriend and I continued to have a sex during the time while he professed outward purity to his Christian friends, in addition to his rampant alcohol and drug abuse, inability to hold a job, manipulation, emotional abuse and control, etc, etc, etc.  Furthermore, my dress was that of what was popular in society at the time for young ladies my age, not over all sexual or immodest, but short shirts, shorts, skirts that showed just the slightest bit of skin or even cleavage and was hitherto seen as scandalous.  I must add, that since the development of puberty my body has always been that of 'Barbie-Doll like', large breasts, no waist, nothing else.  Increasingly, I was taught that my body was a trap for men and boys, that I had to be responsible for their weakness, and that they could  not control themselves.

A few years into this, I attended a Purity Conference with a high/middle school youth group of which I was a counselor.  At one point, the boys were ushered off to another room while the girls and women were lectured by a twentysomething junior pastor about why they should dress modestly, comparing our cleavage to a boy's loose pants signifiying how his butt crack seemingly would be as distracting as our revealing shirts.  We all laughed together as much as I cringe today.  Later, back together, we all bowed in prayer, asking God for help to remain pure for ourselves but mostly for others.  As the years tumbled forth and I became deeper in my mental health woes, my body felt like a weapon against my battle to remain pure, I at fault for every time a man 'stumbled' into sexual sin or lust.  As I progressed I developed body dysmorphia and anorexia, I began dieting and exercising excessively with the attempt to stem off the pain and reduce my body to a size more like a child then a sexual object, for my protection as well as the men of whom I had become a Jezebel.

Added to that, I continuously found myself engaging in relationships with men that were controlling, thus enter my husband, he of the worst of abusive past relationships.  Breaking up with him, kicking him out of my life, was the first brick to crumble away from those that sought to minimize and control.  During my marriage and then increasingly after, I began my long held dream of 'nude modeling'.  It was a dare at first, could I do it?

In the early days of modeling, I faced a bit of a backlash, not just from the former Fundie world I had newly emerged, but from society at large.  Nudity and posing nude in our society at large is likened to 'sex-work', although being an art model is so far removed from anything related to sex that they are all barely in the same category.  The reality that a 'nude' art model whether for fine art or photography is seen as sexual or even scandalous is a mark against this country.  With the Hollywood enforced ideal 'beauty', shame is felt for those who don't measure up, whether realized outward or felt inward, and thus the inability to feel comfortable in one's skin, let alone nude in front of an artist and random assortment of strangers in an art class.  (I ask you, how do you think the women in the paintings you love to view at a museum even got there, did they just come out of the painter's imagination?)

Thus, in the early days of my modeling career alongside my deconstructing from fundamentalist Christianity and the effects of such, I doubled down against those who scandalized and sexualized art modeling.  Buying clothing that were too revealing or sexual, for no other reason, than both that I liked it and that it could be possibly used for this career, the latter having no use for such attire.  Yet, as I continued to work, I began to find joy in hearing how the art is crafted, see the similarity of a fine artist preparation and that of an actor or writer, and along the way I built some special connections and friendships between the students and the teachers.  

Re-entering therapy during the time of quarantine, I began taking the space to heal, to prioritize, and found myself diving deep into my own art therapy journey.  Purchasing all sorts of paints, crafts, brushes, markers, crayons, colored pencils, a sketch book, and canvases, I began playing around with art for my own self.  Additionally, the modeling work began to flourish as my loyalty to the job had paid off in my relationship with the teachers.  Exercising and eating right became not about striving towards some unattainable perfection but more about being able to have stamina and longtivity in holding positions, as well as a myriad of other health benefits.  In class, I began to listen intently to the ways art was taught and think about how I could apply it in my own learning.  I started thinking about past models in history, who where they, and why weren't there any art history classes about models.  This led to a web search wherein a plethora of art models from the 1800s onward came flooding into my life, followed by reading book after book about them and their lives.  

Through all of this, I have realized that in and of itself nudity is not scandalous or sexual and that art is necessary for healing and connection for us all.  My desire to try out 'nude modeling' led me into the career I was meant to occupy, which led to my deepest of healing from the damages of toxic purity culture and society's implied beauty rules to feeling healthy and secure, positive about who I am within and without.

For A Friend Becoming #Fundie

 

The Cult We Grew Up In - Calvary Chapel w/ Musician GayFesh

I have shared often through this blog as well on other facets of social media and in my personal life about my past experience involved with what I believe to be a fundamentalist church (cult-lite), Calvary Chapel, how and why I left, and the ways I found myself deconstructing from the effects of spiritual abuse and manipulation.  When I left in 2010, (See: https://artistthriving.blogspot.com/2016/08/on-day-i-left-calvary-chapel.html), I had a lot of pain and anger to sift through, waylaid by my falling headfirst into another disastrous toxic relationship with my now ex-husband, followed by years of toxic friendships to disentangle, but within all of that timeframe, after 6 years of being 'out and away' from the clutching control of Calvary Chapel, I felt my mind becoming fully free.  No longer did I fear the condemnation if I was not attending regularly the multitude of weekly services of Calvary, studying the Bible, the word as they refer to it, based on their teachings, and maintaining an identity that confirms to their will.  Even so much as my morning quiet time, devotionals as its called, if I had failed to do such, even after 6 years of leaving, if something occurred wrong, something as simple as a car break-down, would at one point derail me into fears of what I should have done to prevent.  

I recall the day of an actual car breakdown, the moment I finally felt free from the clutches.  It was another bad experience with the PT Cruiser, which I now unlovingly refer to as a "Piece Of Crapper", and upon returning after a dog walk and trying to start, it would not.  Anger at first at the once again of a regularly repeated occurrence, then the heart sinking feeling of the prescribed fear base teachings whispering "if only you had been obedient" came rushing upwards.  But, this time, at that particular moment, reason took over brought in by the love of other former fundie friends whose laughter had brought healing and the lack of not being a part of the control for then 6 years made it also possible, to fully and finally achieve grace.  Looking down in the car console, I saw my friend's toy sonic screwdriver left there from a few days ago filming.  Happily, I picked it up and gleefully sat playing with it while waiting for the tow truck.  On that moment, I was fully and finally free from the fundamentalist toxic control of Calvary Chapel.

As the days and years progressed, there were other avenues and connections of abuse to disentangle and heal, but my religious abuse was relieved.  No longer did I feel the anger, the heart-break, the need to rescue those still involved.  Instead, I felt the warmth of gratitude for their season in my life and the overall experience, both positive and negative, it taught me in my soul's evolution.  No longer do I feel the need to comment to correct or am triggered by something they post that no longer aligns with my socio-political or spiritual beliefs.  If I feel the need to address something, I reach out to them privately.  I no longer feel the need to 'save the saved from being saved'.  

In my spirituality now, as born-again wiccan (I lightly practiced such in high school and college) and agnostic, I no longer feel this pressing need to convert anyone to any ways of my personal thought or belief (unless it pertains to Night Court being the best TV show ever, obviously I am compelled to do that).  

All that to say, recently a sweet friend started posting about her conversion experience to Christianity.  In her early twenties, this dear friend found her way into the confines of a local Calvary Chapel in recent years, seems to become heavily to lightly to then heavily involved, seemingly based around personal life troubles and adjustments.  Her story and connection to Calvary Chapel is all too familiar to mine.  Like her, I discovered Calvary Chapel's brand of Christianity in my early twenties when a boyfriend dragged me to church, the same boyfriend who was emotionally abusive and controlling, during the early days of my mental illness breakdown.  Similarly, my friend has shared with me and others her struggles with a very toxic and abusive familial upbringing.  I relate hard to this and can fully understand how on the surface, of which I, too, experienced in the early days of my Calvary life, seem in direct opposition to that of the abusive.  

But, that which will eventually become an abuser does not first come out as abusive, rather, there are tactics that are taken to instigate and ensnare, the first being that of 'love-bombing'.  What seemingly feels as authentic friendship and positive attention, and sometimes is, takes on a sinister meaning when the reasoning behind is to eventually control.  Now, I must admit that there were for me connections within Calvary that were positive, and most likely for my friend, however, there was and is an element that the purposes for overwhelming positive attention falls into a area increasingly more toxic.  Coming from a shaky place of instability of emotion, trauma in early life and mental illness, makes one more susceptible to anything that appears, at least, on the surface to be an antithesis of that.

All this to say, I cannot openly and directly share this with my friend or anyone else involved with Calvary or another high control religious organization, nor do I desire to spend my time trying to convince, for it will fall on deaf ears and be meant with an offense.  Furthermore, I hold no anger towards belief in any form of spirituality.  Rather, everyone has their path to lead in life, their journey to take, for the reasons based on the circumstances and lessons to be learned.  Furthermore, in the early stages of the love-bombing within any toxic relationship, the abused will not have the ability to see the flaws, the cracks, the disturbances that will eventually lead to despair.  

But, for my friend as well as others involved, I can continue to be present when needed as a friend, to offer a listening ear sans judgment, advice if wanted.  I can show that authenticity of love and friendship does exist outside of the confines of the church.  And, I can make myself available when and if this person needs to make the traumatic decision to break away, as I did, and hold space as they navigate the painful process of deconstruction.

7 Tips for Helping Someone Out of a Cult

The Effects of Purity Culture #purityculture #fundamentalism #christianity

When I was a preteen, I went to Bible camps because my single dad got me a scholarship and it was free babysitting for a week each summer. At the end of every Bible camp, they would ask if anyone wanted to“give their life to the Lord.” At 13, I made this decision. My dad didn’t go to church, but my mom and my new stepdad did, so I got baptized at their church.

Fast forward through my teen years, where I was hanging out with friends older than myself and going to concerts and parties. I was 18 when I met my (now ex-) husband and we were married when I was only 19 years old. The honeymoon quickly faded revealing him to be very controlling and told me I needed to stop hanging out with my friends. He also insisted I get rid of my music, my life at the time. He was not a good person to me but I was blind to his controlling nature. He was a textbook narcissist. 

During our marriage, I was abused emotional, sexually, and religiously. He used the Bible to control me for his pleasure, condoned by the teachings of the church which states their belief that the husband is head of the household. I became increasingly more depressed through our 12 year marriage, and  developed many chronic pain and health conditions. I felt alone as I was alienated by my health added to the reality that I did not have close friends in the church to truly check on or help me.  This was a reality I was unaware of at the time but would eventually make itself apparent.

When we finally went to marriage counseling, it was suggested that I go to a counseling center out of state for my depressione. While there, I realized the spell I was under by my narcissistic husband and was slowly able to begin the process of breaking free from him, enough to kick him out of the house (that I was paying for!) not long after I came back.

Since then, I have gone to many different counselors to work through the abuse and to heal. I am still in counseling a decade later. I’m scared to go to church because everyone sided with my ex during our divorce, revealing the truth that they were never really my friends. Thus, I decided to start new in another state closer to my family. However, I still won’t attend church for many reasons, but that’s a whole other story I can explain later. I do try to date, but my health is still a hardship making it difficult to leave the house.

Yes, I do still believe in God, but my struggle is with Bible itself. Today,  I consider myself “spiritual” instead of religious. I am open to remarrying if I ever meet the right person, but I have a lot to work through first. I hope my story can help others who are trapped in an abusive marriage to consider a change.

Jess Hart is an artist, rescues cats, and enjoys punk music. She lives in West Texas.

Jess Hart https://linktr.ee/thisisjesshart

Reclaim Christmas #holydays #birthdayforjesus

SILENT NIGHT by SISSEL

Today is the day, December 25, 2022, Christmas day.  I awoke from my slumber and busied myself with the preparations of coffee and mimosas before my partner and I settled down to open our presents from each other and family alike.  We had a lovely breakfast of bacon and eggs, then he scurried off for a few hours of work and leisurely I read on the couch, sprawled out, with my reader glasses pouring through The Odyssey, then lightly cleaning and organizing the living room.  As I spent this day in relaxation, laying aside all thought of work until the morn of the next, my mind pondered the true meaning and history of Christmas.

In the Western culture of America, Europe, as well throughout the world, Christmas is seen as a Christian holiday, the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.  

This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”

 

Historical and anecdotal evidence would show that the birth of Jesus, were it actually known, would not be in the middle of December, most likely sometime in late Spring or early Summer.  Yes, even the Bible does not declare a date of his birth, but does recount the story we have grown accustomed to hearing even if we have don't affiliate with Christianity.  For many a year until the 4th Century, only Easter was celebrated in reverence to the death and resurrection of Jesus.  Then, in the 4th Century, the religious leaders decreed that a special holiday be set forth in honor of their Savior's birth.  But, why in the midst of cold December?

For a myriad of centuries before this proclamation, a variety of other spiritual faiths honored their gods and traditions during the month of December, such as Winter Solstice, Saturnalia, and others. (See: Winter Solstice: The Coming Light #saturnalia #feastofjuul #dongzhi #albanarthan) What, then, was the reasoning for celebrating the birth of the Christian Savior in the midst of these already established holidays?  Take a guess, why don't you?

As the rule of the land swiftly declared Christianity the one true religion and law of the land, that dominance brought the destruction of other beliefs and peoples, leading to the Christian rulers wrapping up the original 'Pagan' holiday practices into a nice little package of Christmas with a bow to be passed down through the ages.  Did you catch that?  The Christian rulers incorporated the practices of the so-called "Pagan religious holidays" within the context of their 'Christmas' in order to sway the non-believer to be converted to their ways.  

This gives me pause to reflect, do Christians, in fact, have the right to fight against the supposed war on Christmas when it was their faith that arrested and vanquished the holy days away and declared theirs the victor?  Nay, those whose celebrations and spiritual beliefs were persecuted against and made to convert or face death have the right to declare this war, yet they do not.

Still, it was not the early Christians, and especially not Jesus himself, that declared any war on Christmas due to the belief that the secular world wishes to destroy Christianity.  This even in the times when to be outside the law of the land even in belief was persecuted unto death, hence, the whole crucifixion of Jesus thing.  Yes, even as he was being led to the slaughter, he did not cry down vengeance or scream persecution, a reflection of, you know, the whole 'turn the other cheek, lay down your lives' decree.  This appears to be quite a different way of being from the contemporary Christian fundamentalist who march in front of Planned Parenthood or boycott bakeries baking cakes for same sex marriages.  Even in the days of recent past, (is it just in the past?), when those in the South dressed in white robes violently approached a neighbor's yard burning a cross merely because they did not like the color of their skin.  None of these seem to me to match with the teachings of non-judgment and unconditional love of the one they claim to 'trust and obey'.  

No, none of this and more, reflects the true nature and teachings of Jesus, if it is believed he lived, whether he be man, God, or both.  Nor do I think those that practice such horrors in the name of Christ truly know him.   

Yet I, on the other side of deconstruction from fundamentalist Christianity, do admire the teachings of Jesus and the book that speaks of him, the Holy Bible, as a spiritual leader and a spiritual holy book.  Thus, is the crux of the need to reclaim Christmas from those who insist their religion is being persecuted because of a 'red cup', from those who march preaching bigotry pretending it to be love, who fight to remove the rights of others, who alone are causing this war with their self-righteously spewed hatred.  

Yes, our part in this battle is to reclaim Jesus, the story of his birth, and Christmas, not to lift it higher or make it seemingly better than the other December holy-days, but to allow the small babe of Jesus himself to rest in his manger bed alongside the other days.  

This is the unity of love and pure undefiled religion.  This, I believe, Jesus himself and God above would truly dig.

Evidence of Jesus' Birth Revealed | Full Episode

(It must also be shared that the story of Jesus, a miraculous birth, a sacrificial death and resurrection, is a story all too familiar found in religions previous to the usage of it in Christianity.)

Articles used as research:

History of Christmas

Christmas

The Christmas Story in the Bible

What's the History of Christmas? What to Know About Your Most Joyful Traditions

What is the Christmas story? The real meaning behind Christmas and why we celebrate it on 25th December

The Real Story of Christmas

Birth of Jesus - Nativity Bible Story

Demi/Grey/Sapio--ACE! #asexualpride #asexualcomingout

 

14 Asexual Spectrum Identities | Different Ways to Be Ace

Along my journey of recovery, I am continously in awe of the personal soul growth and realizations of inner self.  As I begin to embrace the feeling of wholeness and true health, I recognize how that which I discover that defines not just who I am becoming, but who I always was.  Thus, in these discoveries, I find healing for the pain carried with me from every phase of my life.  

As I unravel the history of traumatic abuse, I face the truth of my toxic past relations and through examination begin to learn how healthy interaction looks and feels.  This path guides me to the realization of my forever relational inclinations, mentioned before, such as always being polyamorous even though trying to hide and conform. (Coming out. #truecolors)

Deepening that, I come to realize the inner workings of my heart and how it engages without.  The various labels of today, mere words on paper, however, when one discovers that one that signfies an answer to the longheld inner confusion, a light dawns upon the darkness and a feeling of acceptance warms within.  That is what happened when I discovered the terms 'demi-sexual/romantic', 'grey-sexual/romantic', and 'sapio-sexual/romantic'.  

All of my life in this  modern age of romance, I thought I was a strange duck, hever quite seeming to fit in or now how to interact appropriately.  I have never logged onto the variety of dating sites nor connected with someone through those, in fact, I have never desired or needed such interaction.  The majority of my goings-on in life I am in no need of any sort of physical sexual encounter, unless in the throes of new relationship energy, whether it be limerence or infatuation.  Recognizing this helps me understand why the required abstinence of the purity culture in my fundie years worked just fine with me (however, I reject the basic premise of purity culture and now see that as blatant control, shame, and abuse.) Without making any effort or outward proclamation, I can happily live a life of abstinence, as I find myself so energized by the sensual act of creativity in my various projects.  I must add here, that romantic or platonic relation is distinct here from the physical, as for much of my life, I craved the addictive high of new relationship as a means of escape from myself and the drudgery, however, that mindset is dysfunctional and has no connection to healthy interaction, whether physical or emotional.

For these reasons, I never fully resonated with the term 'asexual' for in my limited understanding of such term, I felt quite sure I was, in fact, a sexual being.  Even during the fundie years, when made to feel shame for my past sexual encounters, I felt sure I was flawed because of my illicit (but not really) sexual cravings.  In recent years, with the dawn of the openness of body and sex positivity and recovery found in deconstruction, I've been able to explore the true defintions of a variety of terms and have learned that there is a spectrum of asexuality.

asexual: not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; non-sexual. (of a person) having no sexual feelings or desires, or not sexually attracted to anyone. (of reproduction) not involving the fusion of gametes. without sex or sexual organs.

The spectrum of asexual identity was an awe-inspiring, eye-opening revelation which led me feeling more self aware and comfortable within.  For my personal self understanding, I add 'romantic' to the above terminology because for me, a proud demi-sexual first and foremost, romance and the physical are interlinked and never separated.  

That said, the foremost term that defines all of me is that of the demisexual, the first on this list followed very closely by greysexual, then lastly, up comes a newer term, sapiosexual.  For me, this reveals itself to me in not desiring or seeming to need a romantic engagement unless under specific circumstance and once a tight bond has formed.  

The majority of this bond is formed through emotional connection, as my soul leads itself overall towards emotional intelligence first.  In the quest for knowledge, I do find myself hungering for all, both intellectual and emotional, but personally always fall back on the latter.  In any encounter, I detest the mere pitter patter of small talk and crave the deep interactions of truly knowing another on the soul level. 

At last, I find myself wrapped up within all of these.  Labels alone can only go so far and one will find themselves within the context of a variety.  Thus, the use of labels is not to rigidly define, but to find truth in the fluidity of self with the intention to remain open to the evolution of the soul's journey towards healing and wholeness.  Find what rings truest to oneself and let the rest dissappiate, for knowing one's self is the true path to empowerment. 

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

Here I am in younger days star gazing
Painting picture perfect maps
Of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass: faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should've seen

My Love Journey #relationshipaddiction #polyamory

In honor of the V-Day weekend, I share my journey coming to love myself and love others, having healthy and intentional relationships, both with romantic partners and others.

Blessed Uncertainty

 

Embrace

For starters, I hope you aren't thinking that this is going to be some blog about religion and how finding certainty in the LORD is the antitode for all the craziness of life.  No, those days for me are long since passed, even though the process of deconstruction, which gets less and less difficult through the years, still is a process lifelong.

No, I wish to reflect on the nature of our union, national, world-wide, personal, and universal.  Here we find ourselves in these crazy 2020s, amidst an ongoing pandemic, political and social upheaval rampant with racism and a variety of other isms we wished were non-existant, too afraid and asleep we were to admit, financial situation precarious for all, and in these times we as a collective wish to cling to some form of certainty.

These days everyone, regardless of political or religious affiliation, has their factual information about the current state of affairs of which they believe wholeheartedly to be valid.  Often times, these beliefs can become so rigid that one fails to express compassion needed in these shaky times.  That alone is another coping strategy to find certainty in times where there is none.   It appears then that even if one does not promote themselves a Christian or Muslim Conservative, as it were, they still can attribute facets of fundamentalism in their rigid beliefs. 

What I believe wholeheartedly is that there is no certainty.   I believe in being informed and educated, yet with the bias of all news stations, networks, and informative devices, it is difficult to truly know what is accurate and what is commercialized.   Furthermore, some news reported can be both fact and conjecture, somewhere in the shades of grey of partial truth as it were.  

What, then, is the answer? Cling to some form of knowing, whether it be proven or not, as some means of regulating one's peace of mind, one way of seeking certainty and solid ground, especially if one has not a belief in a god or of a higher power (which is okay, recall I'm no longer a fundie christian).  

The answer, solely, lies in embracing the blessed uncertainty in life.  One valuable lesson I have gained from these last couple years is the full reality of that truth, life is ever changing, the future never known.   Finding the grace within myself to embrace that truth has allowed me the freedom to release clinging to some form of rigidity in my mental structure, allowing the personal discovery of enjoying life in child-like fashion, the wonderment of all unfolding becomes magical and with a purpose perhaps not yet known but more powerful than any I could conceive or control.

So, dear one, take a breathe, in and out, find stillness in the craziness, look within, and embrace that which is not known, embrace the blessed uncertainty, for then comes upon a sense of calm bringing back a stability within, able to face whatever the bends and turns of life brings. 

What in the world are we going to do?

Look at what everybody's going through

What kind of world do you want it to be?

Am I the future or the history?

'Cause everyone hurts

Everyone cries

Everyone tells each other all kinds of lies

Everyone falls

Everybody dreams and doubts

Got to keep dancing when the lights go out

Everyday Life

Funda-MENTAL-ist: Not Just For Religion Anymore

 "Words, words, words," William Shakespeare proclaimed through his character, Hamlet.  And, indeed, words have such power and such nuance as the definition of such are not always exact, but often based on the world view and experiences of the speaker.  Merely, examining the specific definitions of words in a dictionary shapes our perspective on self, others', and the circumstances we find ourselves therein.  

A Fundamentalist is described as "a person who believes in the strict, literal interpretation of scripture in a religion" whereas an evangelist is defined as "zealous advocacy of a cause."  Because of the behavior and vocal presence of contemporary conservative Christianity, the two are often inter-mixed and mis-used.  However, I would venture to insist that both these words need not be utilized singularly in the realm of religion but can be recognized in other arenas, such as political whether one may profess to be on the side of red or on the side of blue.  

From what I see whether one portrays themselves as an overly zealous progressive left or a hyper-infused conservative right, all religious or spiritual practice aside, their political and social beliefs can find themselves careening into the negative when the dysfuntions of their mind, the undealt with darkness of their souls, takes the reign.

If the word "evangelism" taken by itself with no religious or idealism imposed means to express something positive with the message of bringing hope, ie those who loved a political leader such as Barack Obama or Donald Trump were such evangelists for their cause, the word's meaning alone does not impact the end result caused by the one importing the message.  Someone with the expressed intent of evangelizing can become fundamentalist, nay possibly militant, in their cause when the root of anger and control, the dysfunctional soul, takes ahold.  

In my life, I have friends and acquaintances, those I love and cherish, on both sides of the spectrum of fundamentalism.  Friends that consider themselves evangelistic Christians whose method is increasingly becoming fundamentalist in approach as they are infused more with fearful rhetoric of the world's supposed hatred towards them.  Then, on the left, I have friends who proclaim freedom in opposition towards what those on the right project, yet underneath a marked degree of hatred for what is opposite takes root and spurs on a fundamentalist mindset. Neither side is aware of this, however, as the lack of critical thinking and an over-saturation with media images and an inundation of readily available news has inspired an emotional outcry leaving the masses unable to slow down, ponder, before spewing out a reaction that results in a backlash of anger further and further deepening the divide, plunging each side harder into their own rigid mindsets.

On both sides, whether you be a political progressive, a conservative, a fundamentalist Christian or Muslim, the wordings used are seemingly more important that the intention.  Taking a view at the recent release of Dave Chapelle's latest special, he is found guilty of bigotry towards the transgender community yet without listening to his intentions rather only hearing the incorrect wordings he is vilified.  

Furthermore, during my time of FundaMENTALism, one aspect that led me to leave and reject that chosen path of spirituality, was the emphasis on using the right wordings to express one's faith, mostly led by the wordings the male senior pastor was using at the time, and if one's wordings strayed from that one's walk with God was called into question.  

Neither worldview is aware truly of this lack, getting lost in the outcry of their own voices rather than silencing themselves long enough to truly listen.  The result causes a separation, not just politically, socially, or idealogically, but from each other.  Isolation becomes the norm as each individual presses their face further into the screen, not grasping the nuance of the speaker on the other side, feeling depressed but unable to express and receive adequate help, anger ensues and continues unabatedly.

This lack of true connection leads to always needing to be right and moreover to be better than the other.  Yet perfection for any whatever the belief of such can never be attained.  A person with a left mindset will never fully reach their true perfection if that is what they are seeking rather than allowing themselves to revel in the highs and lows of the journey of their soul's purpose and evolution.  Thus, on the side of the right religious, the same occurs with a rampant fear of expressing one's failures and such deepens the separation.  

Recently, in my local region, a well-to-do church was besought with a scandal that I believe was caused by this needing to be perfect, to fall in line, and consequential division.  The Senior Pastor faced a result of his isolation and lack of authenticity with self by his extramaritial dalliances being exposed forcing his position within the framework of the church to be changed.  In my past, during my deconstruction, I would be angered by this hypocricy and want to use it as fodder to fuel others to leave said church.  However, as I read the article, I found myself feeling an expressed degree of sadness for those attending the church, the pastor's wife and children, the other woman involved if that be the case, and, moreover, for the pastor himself.  For each involved were never allowed to truly discover, choose, and express the fullness of who they are rather had to fall in line with that which was imposed on them by a fundamentalist system.

This illness is not something subject only to the Conservative Christian with the other side immune in their supposed enlightenment.  No, indeed, rather any belief structure that becomes rigid in its enforcement and wordings loses its freedoms and causes those that believe such to lose their ability to discover their true selves and pathways. 

In Retrospect: 2019; Refining Fire Cleansing Towards Wholeness

 

I have often taken the time in recent entries to reflect on the changing tides of life, both personally and collectively, within the confines of 2020 and beyond.  However, we could not have had such without the years previous.  For me, the year that stood out as full of tumultous life change was that of 2019.

In numerology, the year 2019 adds up to 12, then ends up as a 3 and a 3 year is one that emphasizes creative self expression and emotional sensitivity.  In an article written at the beginning of 2019,(https://astrostyle.com/2019-numerology/) it states that the intention of the year was to 'speak one's truth' without lessening the truth of another.  For me personally, in retrospect, I see now how that 3 energy affected the external outcomes of my internal reality, long buried in need of overflowing outpouring, affecting my decisions that influenced my relationship and circumstance shifts.  I clearly see and understand now, but at the time the element of tumult was such a heavy influence that it left a degree of shaky unease, reflecting in a marked degree of secrecy and codependency.

In my former life of 'fundaze', aka fundamentalist Christianity, we were often taught about the refining fire of God's cleansing.  Truth be told, this is a point of teaching that is not singular to any branch of Christianity alone, but is taught within all variety of spirituality and life itself.  The basic premise being that in times of tumult, as in walking through our own 'fiery furnace', we are refined like silver, cleansed from the draught, that which we need to release, that which no longer serves, so that we can move forward unto our truest and most divine self, whole, complete, who we were always forever meant to be.

Looking back, it is easy to write poetically about such a time of my life.  A time when I had bravely stood up to friendships that were proving toxic for all involved, but mostly for me, and dealt with the backlash of anger, resentment, heartbreak, my own as well as the friends' and family departed.  My financial situation was in dangerous precarity due to ultimately my bad decision making, planning poorly executed, as well as lack of self worth within.  In addition, my beloved sonic lost its engine and power due to a bad mechanic job I did myself.  

Thus, like the fire of refinement, many aspects of my life that I had held as some sort of security blanket and normacly, were being stripped away.  Desperately I clung to that which was fading away, which had ceased to serve, but still I desired to remain, somewhat fearful of who I would be without, what was to come of me without.  

But, at last, I relented.  

Seemingly, left abandoned by those of which my love remains, feeling empty and desperate, I surrendered to the inevitable.  In that place of humility, I began anew, not clinging to the hope of an external savior, but discovering my innermost strength to merely not to survive, but to thrive beyond circumstance.  The cleansing fires allowed that which was toxic to dissipate and be vanquished, leaving my eyes clear with renewed vision of who and what truly matters, that had always been there, shining beacons of love, inspiration, and dedication, guiding me to persevere and truly discover my confidence and worthiness within.

With that, I stood back up, steadied myself on shaky feet, and continued forth the climb.  On that plane of my own destruction, I rose again like the phoenix, rebuilding my own life in a way more beautiful than ever imagined, that which is becoming clearer, more whole and healthy, more truly me.

Sunrise, Norah Jones

Sunrise, sunrise

Looks like mornin' in your eyes

But the clock's held 9:15 for hours

Sunrise, sunrise

Couldn't tempt us if it tried

'Cause the afternoon's already come and gone

Surprise, surprise

Couldn't find it in your eyes

But I'm sure it's written all over my face

Surprise, surprise

Never something I could hide

When I see we made it through another day