I have often taken the time in recent entries to reflect on the changing tides of life, both personally and collectively, within the confines of 2020 and beyond. However, we could not have had such without the years previous. For me, the year that stood out as full of tumultous life change was that of 2019.
In numerology, the year 2019 adds up to 12, then ends up as a 3 and a 3 year is one that emphasizes creative self expression and emotional sensitivity. In an article written at the beginning of 2019,(https://astrostyle.com/2019-numerology/) it states that the intention of the year was to 'speak one's truth' without lessening the truth of another. For me personally, in retrospect, I see now how that 3 energy affected the external outcomes of my internal reality, long buried in need of overflowing outpouring, affecting my decisions that influenced my relationship and circumstance shifts. I clearly see and understand now, but at the time the element of tumult was such a heavy influence that it left a degree of shaky unease, reflecting in a marked degree of secrecy and codependency.
In my former life of 'fundaze', aka fundamentalist Christianity, we were often taught about the refining fire of God's cleansing. Truth be told, this is a point of teaching that is not singular to any branch of Christianity alone, but is taught within all variety of spirituality and life itself. The basic premise being that in times of tumult, as in walking through our own 'fiery furnace', we are refined like silver, cleansed from the draught, that which we need to release, that which no longer serves, so that we can move forward unto our truest and most divine self, whole, complete, who we were always forever meant to be.
Looking back, it is easy to write poetically about such a time of my life. A time when I had bravely stood up to friendships that were proving toxic for all involved, but mostly for me, and dealt with the backlash of anger, resentment, heartbreak, my own as well as the friends' and family departed. My financial situation was in dangerous precarity due to ultimately my bad decision making, planning poorly executed, as well as lack of self worth within. In addition, my beloved sonic lost its engine and power due to a bad mechanic job I did myself.
Thus, like the fire of refinement, many aspects of my life that I had held as some sort of security blanket and normacly, were being stripped away. Desperately I clung to that which was fading away, which had ceased to serve, but still I desired to remain, somewhat fearful of who I would be without, what was to come of me without.
But, at last, I relented.
Seemingly, left abandoned by those of which my love remains, feeling empty and desperate, I surrendered to the inevitable. In that place of humility, I began anew, not clinging to the hope of an external savior, but discovering my innermost strength to merely not to survive, but to thrive beyond circumstance. The cleansing fires allowed that which was toxic to dissipate and be vanquished, leaving my eyes clear with renewed vision of who and what truly matters, that had always been there, shining beacons of love, inspiration, and dedication, guiding me to persevere and truly discover my confidence and worthiness within.
With that, I stood back up, steadied myself on shaky feet, and continued forth the climb. On that plane of my own destruction, I rose again like the phoenix, rebuilding my own life in a way more beautiful than ever imagined, that which is becoming clearer, more whole and healthy, more truly me.
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