Sex.

 

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

All right, I got your attention with the title, so let me explain why it's not for me, at least, not right now. 

I came of age in a world where AIDS was the BIG illness, not Covid19, condoms were the mask to protect, abstinence was preached in my public school health classes, as a viable option in deterring any STDs or pregnancy mishaps.  The basics of how to prevent such alongside a brief description of adolescent changes were all that were given, while Hollywood and Disney spoon fed the illusion of the perfect romantic union.  Sex was then something to be both feared yet a very real necessity for romantic relationship.  As I watched Dylan woo Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210, then later Donna give it up to David in a romantic rose petal strewn bedroom complete with the safe sex moment, I longed for, imagined almost to the detail, my own perfect moment. 

What I got, time and time again, was, although at times beautifully fulfilling and special, was also, at other times, sorely lacking and besought with devastation.  

Okay, don't get me wrong, I am not gonna launch into an article on why the purity culture is pretty darn amazing and we all should become born-again fundie virgins...no, that time of my life is way far behind me and as much as I can say that the idealism of longed-for romantic sex unrequited broke me, the toxicity of purity culture helped not either.  Actually, becoming a fundie born-again virgin, rather abstaining from sex, was the only part of that mindset that was acceptable by me, a demi-grey-sexual, who doesn't require or desire sex on the regular anyway.  The devastating part of purity culture, rather, was the overly emphasis on the female need to cover in modesty her body in order to assist the male's need not to stumble, the male who could not resist his natural urges, thus it was the female's fault for his stumbling, purity culture equal rape culture!

Thus, during my time as a fundie-Christian and the years of deconstruction, I suffered with extreme body dysmorphia, hatred, and shame for any part of my physical that represented sexuality or seemed alluring.  Moreover,  carrying into my chosen path of fundie christianity days was the shame of not truly 'waiting', of giving it up before I 'said the sinner's prayer'.  Despite the pulpit's championing that being a 'born-again virgin' was good enough, it never truly was, I remained always 'damaged goods', more shame poured upon by an already controlling organization.  ("Get outta my uterus!" my current self screams to them on behalf of my younger self.)

Alongside this, there are the years previous to fundamentalist, then the years after, relationships that turned sexual, in one way or another, that left me lacking, to say the least.  The physical exoticness' of the event overall was enjoyable but the act itself at times left me empty, causing more of an increase of my love addiction brain to further desire the intimacy, the closeness, yet never to be received fully.  Sex, in all its dimensions, seems only transactional, two bodies, at least for me, coming together for the sole purpose of the physical, leaving me feeling addled.  

Furthermore, in an allosexual world, I have felt increasingly lonely in my lack of sexual desire, not feeling understood until finally finding my place upon the asexual spectrum.  Demi-Sapio-Sexual, baby, and proud!  But, this loneliness also extends to the emotional intimacy and romantic intention lacking in past sexual experiences, (not all, mind you, current or former partners who may be reading this), that which wounded either due to not fulfilling my dream being modeled to me on the set of "Beverly Hills, 90210" and the like, or even the male partner's intention to just get down to brass tacks, with no sensuality whatsoever.  

Thus, all of this included with my first year of recovery from love addiction, leads me to the open decision to currently abstain for a season, not forever, such that I focus on the establishment of true, healthy intimacy with a romantic partner in the daily life as well as special events, while fully healing, becoming to understand and express my core values, my needs as well as red flags in a relationship of any sort, and laying down the boundary of self-respect overall.

I don't want to play this game no more 

I don't wanna play it 

I don't want to stay 'round here no more

 I don't wanna stay here Like rain on a Monday morning 

Like pain that just keeps on going on 

Look at all the hate they keep on showing 

I don't want to see that 

Look at all the stones they keep on throwing

 I don't want to feel that Like Sun that will keep on burning

 I used to be so discerning, 

oh In my recovery 

I’m a soldier at war 

I have broken down walls 

I defined

 I designed

 My recovery

James Arthur - Recovery (Lyrics)

Demi/Grey/Sapio--ACE! #asexualpride #asexualcomingout

 

14 Asexual Spectrum Identities | Different Ways to Be Ace

Along my journey of recovery, I am continously in awe of the personal soul growth and realizations of inner self.  As I begin to embrace the feeling of wholeness and true health, I recognize how that which I discover that defines not just who I am becoming, but who I always was.  Thus, in these discoveries, I find healing for the pain carried with me from every phase of my life.  

As I unravel the history of traumatic abuse, I face the truth of my toxic past relations and through examination begin to learn how healthy interaction looks and feels.  This path guides me to the realization of my forever relational inclinations, mentioned before, such as always being polyamorous even though trying to hide and conform. (Coming out. #truecolors)

Deepening that, I come to realize the inner workings of my heart and how it engages without.  The various labels of today, mere words on paper, however, when one discovers that one that signfies an answer to the longheld inner confusion, a light dawns upon the darkness and a feeling of acceptance warms within.  That is what happened when I discovered the terms 'demi-sexual/romantic', 'grey-sexual/romantic', and 'sapio-sexual/romantic'.  

All of my life in this  modern age of romance, I thought I was a strange duck, hever quite seeming to fit in or now how to interact appropriately.  I have never logged onto the variety of dating sites nor connected with someone through those, in fact, I have never desired or needed such interaction.  The majority of my goings-on in life I am in no need of any sort of physical sexual encounter, unless in the throes of new relationship energy, whether it be limerence or infatuation.  Recognizing this helps me understand why the required abstinence of the purity culture in my fundie years worked just fine with me (however, I reject the basic premise of purity culture and now see that as blatant control, shame, and abuse.) Without making any effort or outward proclamation, I can happily live a life of abstinence, as I find myself so energized by the sensual act of creativity in my various projects.  I must add here, that romantic or platonic relation is distinct here from the physical, as for much of my life, I craved the addictive high of new relationship as a means of escape from myself and the drudgery, however, that mindset is dysfunctional and has no connection to healthy interaction, whether physical or emotional.

For these reasons, I never fully resonated with the term 'asexual' for in my limited understanding of such term, I felt quite sure I was, in fact, a sexual being.  Even during the fundie years, when made to feel shame for my past sexual encounters, I felt sure I was flawed because of my illicit (but not really) sexual cravings.  In recent years, with the dawn of the openness of body and sex positivity and recovery found in deconstruction, I've been able to explore the true defintions of a variety of terms and have learned that there is a spectrum of asexuality.

asexual: not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; non-sexual. (of a person) having no sexual feelings or desires, or not sexually attracted to anyone. (of reproduction) not involving the fusion of gametes. without sex or sexual organs.

The spectrum of asexual identity was an awe-inspiring, eye-opening revelation which led me feeling more self aware and comfortable within.  For my personal self understanding, I add 'romantic' to the above terminology because for me, a proud demi-sexual first and foremost, romance and the physical are interlinked and never separated.  

That said, the foremost term that defines all of me is that of the demisexual, the first on this list followed very closely by greysexual, then lastly, up comes a newer term, sapiosexual.  For me, this reveals itself to me in not desiring or seeming to need a romantic engagement unless under specific circumstance and once a tight bond has formed.  

The majority of this bond is formed through emotional connection, as my soul leads itself overall towards emotional intelligence first.  In the quest for knowledge, I do find myself hungering for all, both intellectual and emotional, but personally always fall back on the latter.  In any encounter, I detest the mere pitter patter of small talk and crave the deep interactions of truly knowing another on the soul level. 

At last, I find myself wrapped up within all of these.  Labels alone can only go so far and one will find themselves within the context of a variety.  Thus, the use of labels is not to rigidly define, but to find truth in the fluidity of self with the intention to remain open to the evolution of the soul's journey towards healing and wholeness.  Find what rings truest to oneself and let the rest dissappiate, for knowing one's self is the true path to empowerment. 

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

Here I am in younger days star gazing
Painting picture perfect maps
Of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass: faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should've seen

Coming out. #truecolors

 True Colors

And I see your true colors

Shining through

I see your true colors

And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid (don't be afraid)

To let them show your true colors

True colors are beautiful (you're beautiful, oh)

Like a rainbow

Last Saturday, I, oh so casually, came out to two friends at a local theatre event.  For those familiar with my blog and my world, you know that I have written about my journey in discovering my relationship preferences, as seen in these past entries: Poly Girl Living In A Mono World and What Being Poly Means To Me.  Yet even though I have blogged and vlogged about being polyamorous, (My Love Journey #relationshipaddiction #polyamory), I have yet, until last weekend, said it verbally aloud eyeball to eyeball with another human.  This experience happened so casually and matter of factually that I didn't realize I had actually "come out" until a few days later.  I didn't truly understand the impact of what I had just expressed, as it happened, so naturally and organically.  

A few years back, when in the throes of new relationship energy, I found myself caught up in a whirlwind of romance with a past love, to the effect of hurting my beloved nesting partner, which caused him to be very expressive about his feelings and pain on facebook.  This many years and a pandemic lockdown later, two mutual friends of ours, who haven't seen either of us, approached me and asked how we were doing, aren't we having some relationship strife?  We had had, I began to explain, due to my actions, but I have been on a healing, exploratory journey of which I have realized I struggle with relationship addictions as well as realize that I am polyamorous, but moreover believe that the best and healthiest way to interact romantically and platonically is by being intentional.  These individuals registered a bit of shock when I admitted thus, but from neither did I experience judgment.  From what I am experiencing on my relationship health journey is that the nature of polyamory is still one with marked stigma and misunderstanding, as the social norms construct monogamy as right no matter the sexual preference.

In continuing my choice of 'coming out' based on sexual and relationship preferences, I must again share that I experience myself as both a sapiosexual and demisexual.  A person that is sapiosexual is:

A demisexual, located on the asexual spectrum, is:

However, I believe the process of coming out is something all must do as they continue through their soul's journey, regardless of sexual preference or gender identity.  Not that one has to make an announcement if they orient as straight or cis, but rather, it's the deeper realization of proclaiming one's identity and living out loud in a way that feels truly authentic.  For example, in my early days of diagnosis with Bipolar, I felt shame over fear of admittance, but once I met others with similar struggles and mental health conditions, I learned the true power of 'coming out' as one with Bipolar as well as (now) C-PTSD.  

As one travels through the course of life hopefully one journeys through a path of healing and soul awareness, lending the opportunity to develop a deeper appreciation and understanding of self.  It is natural, then, to reveal the presence of one's truest self both verbally and non-verbally.  Saying thus, I do not mean to lessen the significance of those whose identity and preferences are alternate to the status quo of society, only to insist, that coming out as one's truest self is a process for all. 

I've got to show the world

All that I want to be

And all my abilities

There's so much more to me

Somehow, I'll have to make them

Just understand

I got it well in hand

And, oh, how I've planned

I'm spreadin' love

There is no need to fear

And I just feel so good

Every time I hear

I'm coming out

I'm coming out