Sex.

 

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

All right, I got your attention with the title, so let me explain why it's not for me, at least, not right now. 

I came of age in a world where AIDS was the BIG illness, not Covid19, condoms were the mask to protect, abstinence was preached in my public school health classes, as a viable option in deterring any STDs or pregnancy mishaps.  The basics of how to prevent such alongside a brief description of adolescent changes were all that were given, while Hollywood and Disney spoon fed the illusion of the perfect romantic union.  Sex was then something to be both feared yet a very real necessity for romantic relationship.  As I watched Dylan woo Brenda on Beverly Hills, 90210, then later Donna give it up to David in a romantic rose petal strewn bedroom complete with the safe sex moment, I longed for, imagined almost to the detail, my own perfect moment. 

What I got, time and time again, was, although at times beautifully fulfilling and special, was also, at other times, sorely lacking and besought with devastation.  

Okay, don't get me wrong, I am not gonna launch into an article on why the purity culture is pretty darn amazing and we all should become born-again fundie virgins...no, that time of my life is way far behind me and as much as I can say that the idealism of longed-for romantic sex unrequited broke me, the toxicity of purity culture helped not either.  Actually, becoming a fundie born-again virgin, rather abstaining from sex, was the only part of that mindset that was acceptable by me, a demi-grey-sexual, who doesn't require or desire sex on the regular anyway.  The devastating part of purity culture, rather, was the overly emphasis on the female need to cover in modesty her body in order to assist the male's need not to stumble, the male who could not resist his natural urges, thus it was the female's fault for his stumbling, purity culture equal rape culture!

Thus, during my time as a fundie-Christian and the years of deconstruction, I suffered with extreme body dysmorphia, hatred, and shame for any part of my physical that represented sexuality or seemed alluring.  Moreover,  carrying into my chosen path of fundie christianity days was the shame of not truly 'waiting', of giving it up before I 'said the sinner's prayer'.  Despite the pulpit's championing that being a 'born-again virgin' was good enough, it never truly was, I remained always 'damaged goods', more shame poured upon by an already controlling organization.  ("Get outta my uterus!" my current self screams to them on behalf of my younger self.)

Alongside this, there are the years previous to fundamentalist, then the years after, relationships that turned sexual, in one way or another, that left me lacking, to say the least.  The physical exoticness' of the event overall was enjoyable but the act itself at times left me empty, causing more of an increase of my love addiction brain to further desire the intimacy, the closeness, yet never to be received fully.  Sex, in all its dimensions, seems only transactional, two bodies, at least for me, coming together for the sole purpose of the physical, leaving me feeling addled.  

Furthermore, in an allosexual world, I have felt increasingly lonely in my lack of sexual desire, not feeling understood until finally finding my place upon the asexual spectrum.  Demi-Sapio-Sexual, baby, and proud!  But, this loneliness also extends to the emotional intimacy and romantic intention lacking in past sexual experiences, (not all, mind you, current or former partners who may be reading this), that which wounded either due to not fulfilling my dream being modeled to me on the set of "Beverly Hills, 90210" and the like, or even the male partner's intention to just get down to brass tacks, with no sensuality whatsoever.  

Thus, all of this included with my first year of recovery from love addiction, leads me to the open decision to currently abstain for a season, not forever, such that I focus on the establishment of true, healthy intimacy with a romantic partner in the daily life as well as special events, while fully healing, becoming to understand and express my core values, my needs as well as red flags in a relationship of any sort, and laying down the boundary of self-respect overall.

I don't want to play this game no more 

I don't wanna play it 

I don't want to stay 'round here no more

 I don't wanna stay here Like rain on a Monday morning 

Like pain that just keeps on going on 

Look at all the hate they keep on showing 

I don't want to see that 

Look at all the stones they keep on throwing

 I don't want to feel that Like Sun that will keep on burning

 I used to be so discerning, 

oh In my recovery 

I’m a soldier at war 

I have broken down walls 

I defined

 I designed

 My recovery

James Arthur - Recovery (Lyrics)

Home Is Of Ashland, Oregon #homeisoftheheart #homesicknomore

 

It's only recently that I have felt truly comfortable 'within my own skin' enhancing the empowering sense of finally being home without.  For the majority of my life, of which reasoning I now see to be trauma related, I have felt lost, swimming frantically searching for, a life boat, a stretch of land of peace and stability, endlessly seeking approval never fully granted.  The real meaning of the word 'homesick' a part of my inner being lifelong. 

During the time of which I speak

It was hard to turn the other cheek

To the blows of insecurity

However, the antidote to that, has been a long journey of discovery and recovery starting in late 2006 with the diagnosis of Bipolar.  For this catapulted me into the various formats of therapy, support groups, and psychological testing, that led me deeper within than I had ever imagined or wanted to travel.  Scary to begin with, but as I continued thus, the terrain became a little less treacherous, even in times of painful struggle, the overcoming seemed less insurmountable.  With each hurdle, each secret unraveled, each victory proclaimed, a calmness overtook me, I found at once a peace bubbling upwards over inside of  me.  I was coming home within again and again.

Oh, how I wish I were a trinity

So if I lost a part of me

I'd still have two of the same to live

But nobody gets a lifetime rehearsal

As specks of dust, we're universal

Yet, with all this continued soul-searching and discovery, I still felt an inner restless, seeking outward with hopeful dreams that perhaps I shall attain, an almost FOMO for what I do not have, all the while the inner fantasy of what could have been an ever distant impossibility.  What these fantasies afforded me, specifically that of the childhood idealization of Night Court and Harry Anderson, was the dream of that which I always deserved, unconditional love, encouragement, and support for my entire self as I am.  That fantasy impossible to become real left a bit of my inner self still broken, still lonely. 

But despite this empty broken-heart within, the journey of recovery still continued, this restlessness always lead me to never to give in, give up.  Along the way, these travels inner and outer coincided with my residing in Ashland, Oregon.  Try as I might to kindle some attachment or connection to another place permanently, Ashland continued to have her hold upon me.  No matter the changes that transform this city for the positive or negative, it's the inner work within myself that is enhanced by living in such a beautiful, transcendence of a place.  Since my first arrival in Ashland at the tender age of 15, dragged here one spring break by my parents, when I instantly fell in love, I knew, then, transferring into Southern Oregon University at the age of 21 because I knew, despite all the hardship therein and that to come, the different phases of my life, from Miss, to Mrs, to Ms, student, teacher, wife, actor, model, entrepreneur, the one constant of this journey has been the loving embrace of this beautiful city, Mother Ashland.  

As I walk her streets now, I am filled with the memory of others history alongside, as well as my own, the different parts of me healed by my strength upon strength, I embrace each and all, vividly with each moment, alive with the fullness of real love of self, finally and continually home within.  Truly, truly, Home is of the heart, Home is of Ashland, Oregon.

Though it's stormy now I feel safe within the arms

Of love's discovery

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

Demi/Grey/Sapio--ACE! #asexualpride #asexualcomingout

 

14 Asexual Spectrum Identities | Different Ways to Be Ace

Along my journey of recovery, I am continously in awe of the personal soul growth and realizations of inner self.  As I begin to embrace the feeling of wholeness and true health, I recognize how that which I discover that defines not just who I am becoming, but who I always was.  Thus, in these discoveries, I find healing for the pain carried with me from every phase of my life.  

As I unravel the history of traumatic abuse, I face the truth of my toxic past relations and through examination begin to learn how healthy interaction looks and feels.  This path guides me to the realization of my forever relational inclinations, mentioned before, such as always being polyamorous even though trying to hide and conform. (Coming out. #truecolors)

Deepening that, I come to realize the inner workings of my heart and how it engages without.  The various labels of today, mere words on paper, however, when one discovers that one that signfies an answer to the longheld inner confusion, a light dawns upon the darkness and a feeling of acceptance warms within.  That is what happened when I discovered the terms 'demi-sexual/romantic', 'grey-sexual/romantic', and 'sapio-sexual/romantic'.  

All of my life in this  modern age of romance, I thought I was a strange duck, hever quite seeming to fit in or now how to interact appropriately.  I have never logged onto the variety of dating sites nor connected with someone through those, in fact, I have never desired or needed such interaction.  The majority of my goings-on in life I am in no need of any sort of physical sexual encounter, unless in the throes of new relationship energy, whether it be limerence or infatuation.  Recognizing this helps me understand why the required abstinence of the purity culture in my fundie years worked just fine with me (however, I reject the basic premise of purity culture and now see that as blatant control, shame, and abuse.) Without making any effort or outward proclamation, I can happily live a life of abstinence, as I find myself so energized by the sensual act of creativity in my various projects.  I must add here, that romantic or platonic relation is distinct here from the physical, as for much of my life, I craved the addictive high of new relationship as a means of escape from myself and the drudgery, however, that mindset is dysfunctional and has no connection to healthy interaction, whether physical or emotional.

For these reasons, I never fully resonated with the term 'asexual' for in my limited understanding of such term, I felt quite sure I was, in fact, a sexual being.  Even during the fundie years, when made to feel shame for my past sexual encounters, I felt sure I was flawed because of my illicit (but not really) sexual cravings.  In recent years, with the dawn of the openness of body and sex positivity and recovery found in deconstruction, I've been able to explore the true defintions of a variety of terms and have learned that there is a spectrum of asexuality.

asexual: not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; non-sexual. (of a person) having no sexual feelings or desires, or not sexually attracted to anyone. (of reproduction) not involving the fusion of gametes. without sex or sexual organs.

The spectrum of asexual identity was an awe-inspiring, eye-opening revelation which led me feeling more self aware and comfortable within.  For my personal self understanding, I add 'romantic' to the above terminology because for me, a proud demi-sexual first and foremost, romance and the physical are interlinked and never separated.  

That said, the foremost term that defines all of me is that of the demisexual, the first on this list followed very closely by greysexual, then lastly, up comes a newer term, sapiosexual.  For me, this reveals itself to me in not desiring or seeming to need a romantic engagement unless under specific circumstance and once a tight bond has formed.  

The majority of this bond is formed through emotional connection, as my soul leads itself overall towards emotional intelligence first.  In the quest for knowledge, I do find myself hungering for all, both intellectual and emotional, but personally always fall back on the latter.  In any encounter, I detest the mere pitter patter of small talk and crave the deep interactions of truly knowing another on the soul level. 

At last, I find myself wrapped up within all of these.  Labels alone can only go so far and one will find themselves within the context of a variety.  Thus, the use of labels is not to rigidly define, but to find truth in the fluidity of self with the intention to remain open to the evolution of the soul's journey towards healing and wholeness.  Find what rings truest to oneself and let the rest dissappiate, for knowing one's self is the true path to empowerment. 

Love's Recovery~Indigo Girls

Here I am in younger days star gazing
Painting picture perfect maps
Of how my life and love would be
Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection
My compass: faith in love's perfection
I missed ten million miles of road I should've seen

The Meaning Of Equinox #daffodils

 

 

Though its stormy now I feel safe
Within the arms of love's discovery.

To begin with, the spring equinox represents the time of year when the sun is directly above the equator, providing the length of time for both sunlight and daylight to be equal.  Furthermore, this also  marks the time when the Sun's pathway, the eliptic, intersects with the celestial equator intersect. The celestial equator can be thought of as a great circle dividing Earth's sky into the two different hemispheres of North and South, this imaginary line above Earth's equator.  During the vernal equinox, the sun crosses into the Northern Hemisphere, as mentioned above, thus the start of spring and warmer climates while the Southern hemisphere begins to lose the daylight, heading into the cooler climates of fall and winter.  

If one were to board a spaceship and head into the great beyond, peering downwards at earth today, the earth's Northern and Southern Hemisphere's trade places in the receiving of direct sunlight.

For the deeper power significance of Spring Equinox, we must reflect on the time of year it re-emerges coupled with all that has transpired directly before, both personally and collectively.  

As the world enters Spring, it is as an awakening.  For many months before, starting in September, the earth has appeared to have nestled into a deep slumber, all things in nature become bare, such that even our souls dig deeper within.  With the dawn of Spring, nature seems to re-emerge from its long sleep, new life becomes to bud all around, so to our souls' begin to awaken, newfound energy bursts forth driven from the long rest of the winter repose.  Such then, is the spiritual learning of the spring equinox, a time to awaken our creative desires, to focus our hearts on the abundance of what may come.  

Eleven years ago, on this day, I was getting married, in a ramshackle thrown together ceremony, so duped by the manipulations of my ex, using me for a solid foundation, and my need to escape into the hope of true love without.  Thus, this weekend and day always brings about an emotional tumult for myself, as all can relate to those specific anniversarsies marking a turning point in our lives, never to be forgotten even throughout the growth and changing tides of our souls' evolution.  ( Ex: on the collective, September 11th and, most recently, January 6th.)

On this day, eleven years ago, I was not who I am today, having recently left my childhood home under the control of my father once more, as well also recently left the controlling aspect of fundamentalism yet still trying to cling to the moniker of Christian, I was, in a very real sense, far less awake and aware of my whole self than I am, increasingly, today.  Added to that, the stress of being in the presence of toxic energy vampires on the regular made it extremely impossible for me to have any energy to think on myself.  Therefore, I was unable at the time to truly understand the meaning and power of the spring equinox and the new life it was, thus, starting me towards, not of wedded happily ever after bliss, but that of peace ever after within.

At last, that is where I sit today, more and more, happily at home within, falling more and more in love with myself.  So, on this day, as I reflect on where I was once, I am thankful for the lows and the highs that brought me out of the storms, away from those that wish to destroy, and awakened furthermore into my true power, full awareness, and destiny.  

Today, I am thankful not only for the strength of myself and the true power of  self love, but that of the love of friendship that was officially started upon this day eleven years ago.  Started when, my now soul-sister, Katy, driving down i5 and stopping on the side, to retrieve beautiful, golden daffodils for mine and my maid of honor's bouquet.  From that start, the meaning of the daffodil is not lost on me today:

"Daffodil flowers begin to pop up when winter ends. They're a symbol of spring and symbolise new beginnings and rebirth. They're a positive, life-affirming symbol, with a bright and joyful yellow colour. Daffodils are strong, resilient flowers that pop up year after year."

It was because of her dedication on that day, that it was made special, and thus as the spring awakens to new life, the friendship between us blossomed like an ever flowering daffodil itself.  Throughout the years of my marriage and what unfolded afterwards, Katy was a strong supporter and listener in my fight to recover and thrive.  As the years continued forth, our friendship grew away from that of our connection with a man-boy but of the truest of soul sisters, a deep, knowing and understanding life-long.  From that, not only did I acquire a soul-sisterhood with her, but many more would come about, including a deeper connection to those I had been close for years before. Most notably, I found my path finally connecting with that of the first ex-wife of my former spouse.  Into my life she came, and bringing with her, peace in a time of upset and tumult, from that foundation burst forth love uplifting always.

Thus, that spring equinox and the many that followed, including today, represents to my heart the true power of sisterhood, of chosen family, and in that  birth of new life, empowered relationship with self and others, abundance overflowing, such as the daffodil.  

On this day, I know not truly what will unfold on the tomorrows to come, but my promise to self and others is to remain open to the highs and the lows, to listen within and be guided, to be ever transparent with those I love and those I shall meet along my pathway of soul's evolution. 

Though its stormy now I feel safe
Within the arms of love's discovery.

Love's Recovery

My Coming Out!

I cannot truly remember a time when I was not spiritual.  A fact I have come to fully realize and embrace after years of time spent worrying over my eternal soul's destination and salvation through rigorous spiritual and somewhat meaningless activities in the cul--I mean, church.

The church and those associated with it had me believe that if I wasn't reading my Bible every morning and attending church 7 days a week, practically always there, I was somehow going to fall into everlasting sin and eternal damnation and peril.  They would have me to believe that if I didn't do these aforementioned activities, I would lose all focus and desire for any spiritual connections.  Maybe this is true for them, but not so for me.

I have ultimately found this to not be the truth and in fact have discovered quite the contrary.  Without spending countless hours logging in my church attendance, I have found a more heightened diligence in pursuing my own spiritual desires.  My day doesn't seem complete without some form of spiritual motivating factor and study.

Which leads me to the conclusion, based on this and the reflections of my past, that I am basically a very spiritual person.  I do not say this to shame others spiritual journeys in anyway but just as an honest admittance of my own self.  I cannot help but seek out that which is spiritual and beyond our limited understanding.  For my entire life, since before the rambling years of Christianeze, I have sought different pathways of spirituality, with much satisfaction therein.  (And, yes, the time spent within the walls of the church brought some satisfaction as well!)  Perhaps, its my identity as an empath that has strengthened this desire, with the giving out of so much of my energy for others' wellbeing, I need to draw on the wellspring of the Divine for refreshment.  Most likely that's what it is.

I do believe that all people have an innate ability towards the spiritual and I believe wholeheartedly that it is my mission to help others find that.  (No, I don't plan on running out and studying theology or anything.)  I just want to live my life and give out love and healing energy to those brought along my path, in so doing,  help them to discover their own sense of spirituality and divinity.  Yeah, that's my mission.

Closer to Fine

How will I accomplish this? No other way than with my creativity, my art, my life as an actress, writer, singer, dancer, and whatever else comes my way.  It is for that reason I have been called to that profession.

http://www.gofundme.com/katys-medical-bills                        http://www.gofundme.com/kipxhs