The Effects of Purity Culture #purityculture #fundamentalism #christianity

When I was a preteen, I went to Bible camps because my single dad got me a scholarship and it was free babysitting for a week each summer. At the end of every Bible camp, they would ask if anyone wanted to“give their life to the Lord.” At 13, I made this decision. My dad didn’t go to church, but my mom and my new stepdad did, so I got baptized at their church.

Fast forward through my teen years, where I was hanging out with friends older than myself and going to concerts and parties. I was 18 when I met my (now ex-) husband and we were married when I was only 19 years old. The honeymoon quickly faded revealing him to be very controlling and told me I needed to stop hanging out with my friends. He also insisted I get rid of my music, my life at the time. He was not a good person to me but I was blind to his controlling nature. He was a textbook narcissist. 

During our marriage, I was abused emotional, sexually, and religiously. He used the Bible to control me for his pleasure, condoned by the teachings of the church which states their belief that the husband is head of the household. I became increasingly more depressed through our 12 year marriage, and  developed many chronic pain and health conditions. I felt alone as I was alienated by my health added to the reality that I did not have close friends in the church to truly check on or help me.  This was a reality I was unaware of at the time but would eventually make itself apparent.

When we finally went to marriage counseling, it was suggested that I go to a counseling center out of state for my depressione. While there, I realized the spell I was under by my narcissistic husband and was slowly able to begin the process of breaking free from him, enough to kick him out of the house (that I was paying for!) not long after I came back.

Since then, I have gone to many different counselors to work through the abuse and to heal. I am still in counseling a decade later. I’m scared to go to church because everyone sided with my ex during our divorce, revealing the truth that they were never really my friends. Thus, I decided to start new in another state closer to my family. However, I still won’t attend church for many reasons, but that’s a whole other story I can explain later. I do try to date, but my health is still a hardship making it difficult to leave the house.

Yes, I do still believe in God, but my struggle is with Bible itself. Today,  I consider myself “spiritual” instead of religious. I am open to remarrying if I ever meet the right person, but I have a lot to work through first. I hope my story can help others who are trapped in an abusive marriage to consider a change.

Jess Hart is an artist, rescues cats, and enjoys punk music. She lives in West Texas.

Jess Hart https://linktr.ee/thisisjesshart