To start out, I don't want to sound to preachy or to Christian with this edition of my blog. I am just reading these amazing books. I have been busy with interviews and auditions and such; so I took extra time to read three spiritual books I have been reading, plus the bible, plus worshipping through song, and plus a time in my prayer journal. So, in this entry, I will attempt to impart the jewels that I am gleaning from each of these books. For starters, two of these books are not, shall we say, necessarily Christian books, one of them is, and, of course, the Bible is what it is.
In an earlier blog, I wrote about standing up for what is right and fighting in my own quiet way for a better America. To further this point, I read in 1 Timothy this morning, "I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we lead a peaceful and quiet life"...before I start to ramble about the various conspiracy theories, that I believe in fact are true about our government, I hope that I can drop to my knees in prayer for those in authority above us, that they will change their ways and commit themselves to the mighty hand of God, and come what may accept what he (or she) doles out to them. Next, it goes on to say that living in this quiet, prayerful way is "good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth". Before you get your panties in a bunch you nonChristians, I must share what I read in "Love without Conditions" (not necessarily of a Christian background but simply professing to be of Christ's origin) about truth: "Truth is a door that remains open. You cannot close this door. You can choose not to enter. You can walk in the opposite direction. But you can never say, "I tried to enter, but the door was closed." The door is never closed to you or anyone else."
My desire for my family, friends, and dear readers is that all may seek after something beyond this world and find that what is true to them. In my own searchings through scripture and spiritual practice, I have prayed that I will be a servant to all and I pray that as I recount to you, merely what these texts are teaching me, that I will in turn remain a servant to you. In my heart, I desire to "pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, steadfastness, gentleness. Fight the good fight of faith" to whatever capacity that I can attain while on this earth. One of which is to fall to my knees, to bow my head, and to strive to be better in my prayer life. Also, to be humble in my own understanding and discernment of others suffering; to use it as an opportunity to pray. After all, Jesus told us not to do our good works before men, but in secret.
One thing I have learned today from the book "The Feminine face of God" is that we must often leave what is comfortable to seek out deeper meaning and spiritual growth. This happened when I was forced to leave Calvary Chapel Healdsburg behind and set out to find some other way to fulfill my longing for God. As I said earlier, I was without church. I had to learn that my faith should be deeper than what I learn in a building or with others, its more than warming a spot on a pew, or memorizing a scriptures. Its when you get alone with God and realizes that deep down He is all you need. As I said before, because of the shattered pieces of my broken mind, I was like a child...but it is Christ that welcomes those to him as little children. The Feminine Face of God ends the 2nd chapter with this: "it is the need for honoring the purity and openness of a child's mind. Perhaps someday, as the Swiss psychoanalyst Alice Miller writes, we will come to "regard our children as not as creatures to manipulate or to change but rather as messengers from a world we once deeply knew but which we have long since forgotten who can reveal to us more about the true secrets of life, and also our own lives, than our parents were ever able to." It is my desire whereever I end up teaching that I see children more as teachers for my own wellbeing than my own imparting what I need to give them. That in fact, it can possibly be an open mindedness give in take between child and myself.
In closing I want to share something that speaks mostly to me, which might turn readers away from this blog, for all intense and purposes I mean not for that to happen. This writing today is only to share what spoke to me in the various books I spent almost four hours reading and studying and praying over. About a month ago, I wandered into a local bookstore and found this book with a simple cover that read "The Cost of Discipleship". Because of its simplicity, it spoke to me and also because it was 6 bucks I bought it. What I put here is merely for my benefit as I develop in my faith and I apologize if it does in fact convict you. I am truly deeply engrossed in this book and there is so much insight there that it is hard to pick and choose what to share.
First, I must insist that it is a book about following and obeying Christ; that obeying is the essense of true faith. As Bonhoeffer writes, "this situation is therefore not the consequence of our obedience, but the gift of him who commands obedience. Unless we are prepared to enter into that situation, our faith will be unreal, and we shall deceive ourselves. We cannot avoid that situation for our supreme concern is with a right faith in Jesus Christ and our objective is, and always will be faith, and faith alone." Furthermore, "Only those who believe obey" is what we say to that part of a believer's soul which obeys, and "only those who obey believe" is what we say to the part of the obedient which believes."
What I want to share that is for my own personal development as a believer in Christ that goes beyond that of cheap, superficial faith is something that is so convicting that it may turn away all readers, I hope not. Give me the benefit of the doubt, this is is more for me, than for you and yet it may speak to you, that is not my intention. But, at the risk of losing your friendship and support, I include:
"You are disobedient, you are trying to keep some part of your life under your own control. That is what is preventing you from listening to Christ and believing in his grace. You cannot bear Christ because you are wilfully disobedient. Somewhere in your heart you are refusing to listen to his call. Your difficulty is your sins."
In other words, as it says in Love without Conditions, ""You are all masters at taking the truth and inverting it. You have the creative ability to make anything mean what you want it to mean. You can take yes and make it no, wrong and make it right. That is how strong your beliefs are."
My intention of this blog was not to step on any toes but merely to show what these books, in their own ways, have speaking to me. Please glean from then what you will and let the rest fall by the wayside.
Here are the books I am reading:
Love Without Conditions by Paul Ferrini
The Cost of Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer
The Feminine Face of God by Sherry Ruth Anderson and Patricia Hopkins
Remember, my beloved friends and readers, you are in my heart. If you need prayer, don't hesitate to ask. I love you all and thank you for your support. Whatever you decide to do, if you turn away from these words because I appear to Christian ( I cannot hide my true faith), then I hope all will work out for you in your path. If you decide to continue to read, I can only pray that my words will continue to heal, to inspire, and to bring hope.
With endless love, I close this entry.
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