Thrive In Covid

 

Somedays

Now, I'll admit that the above image is very much a click bait tactic,because I wholeheartedly do not believe in flipping off a year.  Time and our means of constructing it is just that, a construct of our mind.  That said, what comes forth from our sense of time is simply just a fact of life, not a personal attack against us, individually or as a whole.  That said, I do not mean to lessen or shame any who are suffering or have experienced loss due to the extremities of this past year's sufferings.  But, in all of my life, I have been one that has experienced the depths of the lows and the joys of the highs, dealt with chronic depression, suicidal ideation, body dysmorphia and anorexia, suffered from the intensity of a myriad of abusers, found myself for many a year beneath the poverty level with mounting debt and wondering if I will ever rise above....so I get it, I feel your pain and struggle, and experience it thoroughly with you at this time.

However, the reality of Covid-19 and the results of having to effectively quarantine has shaped furthermore how I define and frame my life purpose and achievements.  The word of the year for me personally, the one that set me forth in the wee small hours of 2020, was 'health'.  How ironic if you look at where we are now globally, am I right?  But, this was, at the most, meant to be a personal grounding point, was and is still at this moment.  

With that overall intention of health spanned the whole dynamic of what it means to live and be fully healthy, not just the physical but mentally, emotionally, creatively, career-wise, financially, and, yes, spiritually.  Like spokes of a wheel, if one area sputters off balance, the rest of a soul will be off kilter.  So, with this theme, I began my 2020 and the words that arose to assist in this were:

Focus.  Simplify.  Heal.  

Like a mathematical equation, perhaps:  Focus + Simplify = Heal.

With that commenced my 2020 and it remained despite the overwhelming circumstances of negative that arose.  Armed with my ability to persevere and endure based on the plethora of painful experience of my past, I squared my shoulders and pushed forward, despite the scary reality of lock-down, pandemic, and a shaky economy.  From my past experiences with difficulty, trauma, and pain, I have realized that life is more than just the material and by making the active choice to continue and thrive, I can and I will, and I have in 2020.  The lockdown caused the most important turning point of my life, it forced me to slow down, to stop the running, striving, seeking to please, and evaluate my priorities which enabled me to move forward with true progress and mindfulness.

I did not, nor have in many a year, limited myself in the means of employment or making money.  I allowed myself to be flexible and creative in order to reach my goals.  With the stable income-base and hard work to achieve it, I found balance, peace, and stability in other aspects of my life.  Focus I was able to do as I moved forward with my business, Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, discovering at last my brand, (Thriving Artists), learning new aspects of the trade of both film-maker and producer, as well as continuing my love of creating art in all its aspects.  

This year I have purposely chosen to create monthly vision intention boards, not just for the year, and hung them on my front door so I actively view frequently throughout the day.  Because of this, I have reached many a goal, small and somewhat large, and am actively working at reaching more.  For the first time in a very long time, I have an ample money supply, enough to feel safe and secure within the constraints of the financial.  I have learned not only to budget, but have paid off debt,  not only helped raise my credit score but now understand just what a credit score is, pay the majority of my bills early, have not one but two savings accounts (okay, one is for the business), am actively raising money from my personal income for a short film trilogy, and have a special 'mad money' tin with wads of cash stored away.  In addition, for the first time in my life, I have full coverage insurance, have been able at last to see a therapist regularly and really start working on my trauma related issues, but also will start seeing a psychiatrist, a dentist, and will soon start the process of working towards a breast reduction.  Lastly, from all of this, I have finally and fully developed an appreciation for myself, realized my worth and the enormity of my ability, and am actively choosing to align myself with the positive both relationally with others externally and internally with my dialogue and inner true self.  This affords me the ability and space to examine all of me, without as much judgment as I can muster, both the negative and the positive, not to dwell but to realize that despite the bad choices I have made in my past, I am still, at heart, a good person.  Most heart-warming of all, I have been able to purchase and create gifts for many of my loved ones, without financial worry.

I could go on and on about this sense of abundance I have acquired this year, this sense of peace and inner joy I have, that is not based on external, but I don't mean to sound boastful or to make others angry or despise me.  This blog is not about that.  This is about the how I have found my way to thrive despite external circumstance and hopefully help others to do just that.

Many, many years ago, in the far away 90's, I attended a weekend Christian teen camp called "Feb Camp".  Why did I attend this? I was not nor would be a Christian for several years to come at that point.  No, I attended because my best friend from high school, known to all to you merely as "MLE" (as she is), attended the summer camp version.  (Side note: MLE was not a Christian per se but she enjoyed the camaraderie and friendship gained from that particular summer camp experience.)  I, being obsessed with camp in my high school youth (have I told you about my summer HS experience as a YMCA camp counselor?) eagerly agreed to attend.  MLE had already come to many a shindig at my house where I reunited with my camp friends and enjoyed the experience readily so it was more than fitting that I attend her experience.  I look back on it with fondness, not because of the Christian element, but of the time spent with MLE, the friends she had told me about, the jokes we all shared (I still cannot listen to Bob Marley's "No Woman No Cry" without giggling), but a lesson from the Bible, I had yet to read at that point, did stick.  No...don't know the words...

What was that lesson, you ask? Well, I will tell you.  The leaders of the church gathered us all together one late Saturday night in some small chapel room and as we sat around, he read to us from the book of Job.  Have you read that or heard that story? Job is a guy that God really digs but Satan says, yeah, well everything is going good for ol' Job, let me mess with him, and he will curse you.  So, God says, all right, let's do this, and Satan does, but Job never curses God despite all the hardship, loss of home, family, career, that befall him.  The lesson the teachers taught that weekend was "bad things happen to good people, good things happen to bad people".  

That has stuck with me all these years later, random I know, but entirely helpful for a person that has suffered to the extremity that I have, well, extremity accordingly afforded to being Cis-Gender, White, in the United States, sorta kinda, first world nation. 

But, it has helped me remain buoyant, to persevere, despite hardship and to recognize that no matter how dire things may seem, they will eventually work themselves out seemingly miraculously and better than I could ever ever imagine.  Is there this invisible force at work or is it all my doing? Who can say, and that really doesn't matter.  

Being able to thrive does not have any backbone in financial wealth alone, though there is no shame in material abundance.  It is found in the active choice to not be a victim of life circumstance.  It is so much much more than okay to feel anger and sadness over a trial and difficult situation, yes, but to point fingers, blame, feel put upon, will not help learn the lessons needed to persevere, rise, and move onwards.  

The take-away from this year 2020, as well as other hard times, is that life is built of the good and bad and that all are meant for our spiritual and/or emotional evolution, personally as well as corporately.  If we look at the natural world and its cycles, we can realize that all of life, ours as well, behaves in cycles.  We are meant to learn and evolve, achieve and grow, different things based on those cycles.  We are all on our individual paths and the external effects us all in different ways based on the lessons needed to be learned.  I challenge you, my dear friend, to not look at the craziness of this past year, the scariness that you and many feel, in the viewpoint of a victim, but ask what can be learned and acquired from this.  For I have found that its in choosing to not be a victim that we begin to truly thrive. 

Turn!Turn!Turn!

A time to be born, a time to die

A time to plant, a time to reap

A time to kill, a time to heal

A time to laugh, a time to weep

To everything (turn, turn, turn)

There is a season (turn, turn, turn)

And a time to every purpose, under heaven

A time to build up, a time to break down

A time to dance, a time to mourn

I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts about what you just read.  I welcome differing viewpoints.  Please comment below and I will respond!

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions,Inc, a film and media company with the emphasis of helping the world to become a better place.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

One Step Closer

One Step Closer...

The start of my production company, Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, was formed through the stepping forth into bringing my literal dream of a Doctor Who Fan-Fiction webseries to life.  In that, my character, Jane Smyth, comes to terms with her real self that of the time lady, Romana, and reunites with her friend, The Doctor.  More to the point, I spent a great deal of time during the writing, re-writing, filming, and basically living of the character and her story listening to this song on repeat during the summers and times it was in production and then post-production.  I heard it so much that it just infused itself in the very fibre of my being, as characters are wont to do to us actors, so that even to this day it remains a song that can rekindle itself at a moment's notice or at the most minute of reminders.

I will be brave

I will not let anything, take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer

And there it is, the essential line of the chorus that repeats itself in my mind as I go about my day, a gentle urging that steadies me and buoys me up with hope: One Step Closer.  We all have goals, ambitions, dreams that we hope to attain, whatever they may be.  Along the course of life, it doesn't always happen in leaps, bounds, but most assuredly slow and steady, one baby step at a time.  Sometimes, the pathway to achieving can seem so gradual as if to seem as if we are falling backwards, when in fact the mere stumbling is not a failure but part of the process of moving forward.  

How do I mean? Well, what I have discovered in my path is that failures are successes in that they are lessons learned to help better us and motivate us forward on our journey.  More than that, success, prosperity,  abundance are simply not of the financial realm, but an overall mindset.  Although it has helped me to feel more secure by having the knowledge of financial wellness becoming more and more achieved, more to the point it has given me the balance needed to focus on my overall goals while not having to worry about the life factors of the 3d world.  

So, right now, in this time of the Covid-19 pandemic, as I await the stimulus check, the various online work I am acquiring and building, the unemployment funds to roll in, I have to remind myself to take a breath when the worry seeps in, when the tendency to scream out "Why me? Why does the Universe hate me? I struggle along, seemingly one step closer to getting ahead only to fall back", and stopping to ask myself, "What is the lesson here?"  I admit there is still a lag time between those thoughts yet it is getting swifter.  

 Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

(screams the Universe back to me)

So, what is the lesson then? Is it of having patience in the waiting? Trusting that some higher power has got me? Well, yes but more than that, I am learning to measure my abundance not in the financial but to continually look at what I do have, in this moment and recognize how far I have come in my path.  

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

So, what do I have? I have created a sizable hole in my debt that has left me with a bit of a safety net in times of woe.  This month I have paid off the majority of my bills, utilities and debt included, which places me in a position not to worry.  I know that I have the finances coming from different sources so that my basic living expenses (like a roof over my head) will be covered so that when the above mentioned finances roll in (stimulus check, etc) I can make the necessary payments needed to move even further forward.

All of my doubt, suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

But, the real lesson here is that, now that I have a handle on the whole notion of money (Look, $, you work for me, bitch, not me struggling for you), I can finally start recognizing my worth outside of the dollar I receive.  Yes, it feels good and helps boost my self-worth when I receive the financial for my artistic endeavors and I whole-heartedly accept and believe it is essential, but as I grow deeper in my analysis of self acceptance and love, I see now that the belief in myself in achieving abundance and success is not merely measured by the material but in my outlook on life.  

So, the setbacks will come, financial or otherwise, and I can choose to make them pitfalls of failure, endlessly falling to my own despair or I can realize that they are not to push me down, but the next mountain to climb, discover, and overcome.  They are the pathway to truly appreciating and understanding myself.  I recognize that life should not be lived in the someday, but in the now, that if I continuously plan for the glorious future happiness, I will miss out on the joys of the moment and will never fully be able to achieve the happiness I seek.  

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything, take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hrM-Bkm4c_I

Hey, hey, you like what you read and have something to say, comment below.  Don't like what you read but still want to say something, toss in your thoughts below.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company focusing on bringing awareness to a variety of social issues to effect real change.  Want to support us? Head over to: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

Thoughts From A Burgeoning Producer

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www.cafegirlproductions.com

Now, I know that I'm new at this whole film and media producer, running your own business type of thing, (like only 3 years) as well as working as a or towards being a professional actor, of sorts (like only 7 years).  BUT!  But, I have read a lot of books, observed a lot of the greats,ie the professionals in my local area, and spent a fair amount of time in and out of the audition circuit to understand how this whole thing works.  AND!  And, I know that all situations and circumstances are different, people have differing views on the right and wrong ways to do things, and that I still have a lot of learn (well, don't we all?)

But, here's the thing...

We recently held a casting call for our feature film, Guilt, to be filmed next summer.  At the call, we had an assortment of the usual fair of talent in my local area, mostly young twenty-something female actors, as the main cast is made up of just that.  However, we did have a smattering of male actors show up to audition for some of the smaller yet supporting parts.  Underline "supporting" because there are no small parts, as they say, only small actors.  All parts included in a screenplay should have some value and as I learned in my acting classes every character, whether the lead to the supporting, has an interesting, valuable inner life that colors his or her experience in the story.  

So, we had one male actor make a snide remark in front of the director about the role he was reading for, that the part didn't have a name, etc.  It left a bad taste in my mouth towards that particular actor.  

Here's why: as an actor myself, I have always read and experienced that the notion of being nice and respectful goes further in an audition setting than anything else.  The protocol at an audition, that I have witnessed personally, is to go in, smile, slate your name, do the reading, answer any questions that are asked, say thank you, and walk out the door, not knowing whether the part will be offered or not.  Furthermore, even if the part isn't offered this time around, the high likelihood of being offered another role based on this audition experience is ensured if one facet occurs: were you a nice person?

Its really that simple.  Did you act like a jack-ass and appear entitled or were you just all around a nice guy/girl/nonbinary human?

Over the last year, what I have experienced in my life is an influence of the toxic element of humanity that has at times left me running for the hills, or rather, the comfort of my own abode and/or those individuals whose love I have assured I can trust.  These experiences have not only left a sore spot in my heart but have left me leery in my interactions, not just personally, but also in a business mindset.  

So, what's the take away here? How can you win favor with not just me but also those you are applying for a job or auditioning for a role?

Be a nice human.  Its just that easy.  Try it sometime. 

www.cafegirlproductions.com

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Life On My Own Terms

Photo Credit: Laura Irene

So this is me now: I am an actress, writer, model, and film producer.  I took a risk and auditioned for a play in 2012 and was offered a part, an experience which awakened me to my truest purpose and calling.  For years before, I had been floundering, feeling that I was meant for more than the 9-5,  the "American Dream", you know, the job, the house, the two kids, and the two car garage.  No, deep down it was always clear to me that whole thing was not my jive.   And, try as I meant to conform and try to merge with the status quo, it never worked but always left a deep dissatisfaction within my soul.

 So, I took a risk and went against the status quo, against the standard of normalcy and appropriate life goals, in short, I reached for my highest ambitions and as I stretch, my faith and love for myself increases, I leap forward.  No matter the setback, its momentary as I keep moving forward.  

I started Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc after tipping my toe into producing a script I had written, loosely based on a Doctor Who Fan Fiction web-series entitled "HomeSick".  But, it was the previous summer, while on set working as a production assistant, that a friend sat down with me and said, "I think you would make a good producer, Lia."  I thought he was crazy and had no clue as to where he was getting that idea or why he even thought that.  Turns out though, he was right, I mean, he's a pretty smart guy, he is my friend after all.   Throughout those early days of HomeSick, I discovered he was right, I did have skill in setting up locations, gathering props, crew, actors, food, filming, and then editing the short youtube video episodes.  Not only could I begin something like that, I could and did finish it.  It was on set filming HomeSick that I asked the cast and crew, what do you think of Cafe-Girl Productions?  "I like it," said my friend, Susie, with an encouraging smile.  And, that was all the confirmation I needed.

However, the term "Cafe-Girl" did not just appear out of nowhere.  No, it most certainly did not.  The phrase originated with me, coming from a year way back when I spent way too much time at a cafe, which you can guess it, was populated by way too many boys and scant amount of girls.  In fact, at times I was the only girl amidst those boys.  But that one year set me on a course of life that would color and define the rest of life, truly helping me to finally discover who I am and what is my highest purpose.  Ultimately, that purpose is to be true to myself as a human, in my art, and to help other people to find that truth in themselves and to be able to create art that fulfills them.  That is my personal reasoning for starting and continuing Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc. 

There are a myriad of productions both in theatre and film that have been notable and life-affirming for my growth as an actor and artist.  One that stands out that was somewhat difficult while doing a production of "A Christmas Carol" at a local community theatre.  During the show, in the dead of winter, the roof was leaking and we were rehearsing, performing during a major rain and snow storm.  However, the cast and crew, including myself, chose not to complain against these harsh conditions.  In actuality, we were happy and that joy warmed our hearts.  We joked, in our 19th Century English garb, how we were method actors truly understanding the reality of life in the 1800s.  In fact, at one point during a big song and dance number, I slipped, graciously sliding to my knees, never missing a beat, and getting up continuing on with the dance.  It was that togetherness and determination to create art that made audiences love our show and the theatre.  It was that experience that has shaped my determination to continue and persevere no matter the challenge or hardship that arises.  

I recall the summer I spent in Eugene, Oregon acting as one of the leads in "In Her Blood", a low-budget independent film.  All of my life, I have felt this inward unworthiness and disbelief that anyone could love me.  As I was on set, I'd look around at the cast and crew, full of love and admiration, but truly doubt the validity of their affection for me, believing that they were just tolerating me for the sake of the project.  That turned out to be false and it was their involvement in my life during that time, creating and seeing the final product together, that helped me realize my worthiness of love.   During that summer, I also spent the majority of my time at work within my own production company filming the next installments of the Doctor Who Fan-Fiction webseries, this time with Hearts-Sick & Homesick.  I had never felt that I had successfully fulfilled the ultimate vision for HomeSick when we filmed it previously and so this gave me the opportunity and ultimately the lesson to 'never settle' for myself and for my art.  Furthermore, it also helped me to realize my worth as a human and as an artist as I developed deeper friendships with the cast and crew, feeling their love, respect, and appreciation.

In addition to all this, there have been some very dark times.  Times where I have felt severely betrayed and wounded, where I felt like throwing in the towel of Cafe-Girl Productions and even my life.  One time was in the end of 2016, when working on the production of "Daggers In Men's Smiles".  I initially tried to do as a play but felt the backlash and wounding of many of the actors, as well as director and stage manager with the ultimate betrayal of breaking up with me, backstabbing me, and walking away from not only the production but from me.  After that wounding, I hit pause for a week, examined myself thoroughly, and once I had re-set myself, I got back up and decided to continue forward with this project as a film.  My heart will ever be grateful to the cast and small crew that joined me in helping to bring my vision to fruition, under at times harsh winter conditions or while under the weather they stayed true to me and to the film.  I had a similar experience with the first season of "Nate & Laura & How They Met" with the first attempt at filming.  I had hired a very green, new director and director of photography who proved to be extremely manipulative and abusive.  It shattered me horrificly and almost led to my removing myself from this planet, if it hadn't been for the love and belief I had from the previous cast and crew of Cafe-Girl, my ongoing family.  But, beauty from ashes, I watched as the majority of the cast and crew of Nate & Laura stayed with me and along the way new faces began flocking to me, faces that I now call family.  With this cast and crew, I have witnessed the most professional and hard-working bunch which has set the standard for productions moving forward with Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.

Starting out, I feel the foundation for Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc that has been laid and which I am truly grateful for, is that of self-care and compassion, building one another up to help each other see their strengths, total teamwork as we work together focusing on our mutual end goals of creating beautiful, meaningful productions, lifting each other up and holding space for those of us that struggle in whatever way without casting judgment.  These components have long since been my core values for myself and for others, it fills me with warmth that it has extended forward into my business and all my professional dealings.  In addition, to our passion projects, our film and media productions, we give out these values in our dealings with the community, by helping to film quality audition videos for up and coming talent, in addition to headshots, and working with local businesses to film educational videos raising awareness about their company.  In addition, we look forward to renting out our equipment to other local film companies and producers.  We also are excited about other future community based products and services such as film reels for actors, directors, and more, acting classes, fun merchandise items that will bring a smile to many, and are excited about our newest media venture, The Raccy Podcast Network.  With the podcast, we will engage the audiences with fun radio theatre style plays, interesting interviews, and more.  Furthermore, as always I, as well as my colleagues, and those who work for Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc are committed to bringing forth productions that truly benefit society by raising awareness of a variety of social issues, such as mental health, #MeToo movement and women's rights, and political and environmental concerns.  

I believe that my history as a professional actress in theatre and film, but also as a person with a mental health condition can influence Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc in a positive manner by not only moving the business forward productively but by keeping the focus on the relationship.  For it is in relationship that we heal, create, and thrive!

Audition Video Commercial

For more information on me, check out my facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/liarosedugal/

Also, find out more about Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc at:

www.cafegirlproductions.com

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What I learned from #BH90210, then & now

"Maybe going back is just what we need to move forward."--Tori Spelling

I look at the above photo and I am instantly transported back in my mind to a simpler time, when I could look out at the world and dream of how I wanted my life to be, before it had really begun.  I was a young, impressionable, very naive teenager living in the backwoods of the Northern California wine country.  Despite my parents' efforts to expose me to the wider world through travel, trips to the city to visit museums and see professional theater, I still had a very inexperienced view of the world about me.  A lot of it came from my taking in the current television shows and pop culture available to me at the time.  Back then, we didn't have cable or a wide access to as many stations as there are today, we only had about 5 channels to view, unless you count the grainy barely able to come in channel 11, which sometimes played the same shows as channel 7 congruently, then we had six channels.  But I digress...

Also, the Internet had yet to truly take off, so as I said above our scant access to TV, magazines, radio, the daily paper were our guide to navigate how to live in the culture of the day. 

All this to say, that we all have the tendency to look back with fondness at our past experiences.  After the hardships and wounds from the bitter slings of arrow have healed to become forgotten, we only have in our mind the happier times, the old jokes come back and make us laugh until tears spring to our eyes.  We want to reach out, re-connect with the old faces that peopled those times.

This year I have had the fortunate experience of revisiting with different facets of my past selves and for a variety of reasons been able to heal myself at those different ages, learn from them, release their wound, and travel forward with a new lightness of being.  Through different circumstances that I was brought into this year, I have visited with my 27 year old self, my 23 year old self, and my 15 year old self.  At each level, they have expressed a degree of hardship as I truly relive those painful times of doubt, insecurity, nonacceptance of who I am by being surrounded by those that do not allow me to truly be myself. 

However, the most heartbreaking was sitting with my 15 year old self after the passing of Luke Perry last March.  Luke Perry, for those who are unaware, played Dylan McKay on the nineties smash hit TV show, Beverly Hills, 90210.  Like many a fan girl of the era, I loved, adored, and crushed on him, plastering my walls with his face, vacillating between making him my object of worship or turning my attention to that of Jason Priestly.  (Ultimately, the pendulum always swung back to Luke, as I am and always have been a sucker for the bad boy.)

His loss was a major blow that felt as if a piece of my childhood had died, gone forever.  A bit of that naive outlook at life forever vanquished due to the reality of life's fragility and ultimate end.  Even though we know death is inevitable, when faced with the reality of it through the loss of someone dear, however the level of attachment, it still stings like a bitch!

So, I sat with my 15 year old self, watching the tears stream down her face, her body wracked with sobs.  She was not as easy to resolve as the 23 year old self who merely wanted to hang out with a boy she used to date of which the church had forbade or the 27 year old self who was comfortable to sit in the cafe by herself, healing the wounds of neglect from that time period.  My 15 year old was still very much a child, with no real understanding of the duties of life, unlike the twenty something selves who had experiences being a grown up. 

I've written in a previous blog from last March about my experience bringing healing to my 15 year old self, so I won't go any further with that story line.  What I do want to focus on is the desire we all have to look back with fondness and the lessons we can glean from doing just that. 

When expressing my excitement about the reboot of #BH90210 over the last few months, I have experienced some judgment from others based on the cast 'going back' and even my own fascination with the past.  But, if we were all to be truly honest with ourselves, we all look back with rose-colored glasses and all experience the same judgment from others.  This judgment is not necessarily a bad thing as a true friend can remind us of the negativity of that time period that our happy hindsight blinds us to forget. 

So, its as Tori Spelling said in the first episode of the reboot, "Maybe going back is just what we need to move forward."  In going back, we can examine every aspect of our past and find the healing to begin again. 

Its in that that I express the reasoning behind my excitement of #BH90210.  For many years, I expressed shame over my teenage obsession with Beverly Hills, 90210, to my own detriment.  I was not honoring my 15 year old self, not honoring all of who I was and ultimately who I am.  By doing so now, by proudly displaying a revised section of my closet with magazine cutouts of the cast, I am allowing a part of me, once hidden, to come forth.  And, this is not only reserved for the part of me that fixated on '90210, but all of me, warts and all, as they say. 

I accept all of it, with pride.  I accept the hard years of depression, outbursts of anger, and the happy years of celebration.  Its all made me who I am today and continually shapes how I define my path towards my destiny.  By looking back, I find the ability to not only heal, let go, but have complete pride in myself.

To quote Kelly Taylor from the original series of 90210, when faced with the choice of either Dylan or Brandon (as reflection of many a fan girl including me), she smiled with strength upon them and said,

I choose me!

Like Kelly Taylor, I do the same.  I choose me.  All of me, of all time, forever.  I choose me.

Check out our website at: www.cafegirlproductions.com

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What is Professionalism?

Okay, first of all, I'm no expert at this thing called life.  I'm still just mucking about trying to figure it all out, enjoying the ride of this journey, learning, growing, expanding as I go.  This pertains to my career path, as I am still, in the strictest of definitions, an amateur.  I haven't gotten paid, as in a living, sustainable income that allows me to say, "Fuck off to all the surviving jobs" (not that I have anything against them, hey, fine art teachers, you rock!) and my rising in the ranks production company has more rising debt than available cash flow. 

But, from watching and interacting with those that have traveled further in this world of self-employment and entertainment industry as well as from a myriad of books and other resources (I'm a podcast listening queen), I have gathered some understanding about what it truly means to be professional. 

Professionalism, from what I gather, does not mean you have the most posh theatre space, drive the fancy cars, have the biggest, best home, or even that you are starring on Broadway six nights a week.  Those things are nice to have and truly can be a form of satisfaction, but the fact of the matter is, they are fleeting. 

What truly matters is your inner-most belief structure that allows you a moral compass, a guide, in how you treat yourself, believe in your abilities, and the way in fact you treat those around you.  In my opinion, if you have the fanciest place but do not treat others with any modicum of respect, whether visible to all or no, you have no degree of professionalism.

Yes, those of my friends that have acquired some success and truly deserve the label of "professional" are those that carry with them a sense of gratitude and heartfelt extend warmth, encouragement, and respect for all they meet no matter at what level they play the game.

Thus, professionalism is an inner guide, more about respect and how you treat others than any form of external reality. 

What 2018 taught me

"Home is where the heart," my character, Romana, from my production company's Doctor Who fan fiction web-series quoted to the Doctor upon re-uniting with him.  Truth be told, this is a long-standing held belief of mine, and no wonder my character said it, I wrote the screenplay. 

However, this year the sentiment has become all the more vivid in the core of my being.  I started this year with the loss of not just a survival job but having a dear friend move away.  A friend whose dogs I had walked, whose house had become a second home dear to me, as I had house-sat there, filmed many a scene there for our modern day Macbeth, Daggers In Men's Smiles.  So, not only was I losing a source of income, but losing a place familiar to my heart and the constant connection of a dear friend. 

Another friend told me about the dog-walking site, Rover.com, and I joined.  Thus, my survival job as a dog-walker/dog sitter grew in leaps and bounds; I have house-sat in many places around the valley this year.   Because of this, I could take you all over the valley, from Ashland to Medford, pointing out various places where I have lived and for a time, a week or more, called home. 

On top of that, my boyfriend and I had to spend a week out of our apartment due to bathroom repairs, thus lived for a bit over a week in a local, lovely, motel called the Manor Inn.  (FYI: the staff was lovely, considerate, kind, and I strongly recommend the place!)  Thus, there is another place I can point to in my travels around town.  '

In April, we were given a no-cause termination notice on our apartment, but were very fortunate enough to move into a lovely three bedroom home outside of Ashland.  Its been a dream come true.

Added to that, there are the places I frequented, the places I once resided, worked at, from years of old that are still homes within my heart.  There have been the frequent travels north, back to Eugene and Portland, where I re-visited the familiar haunts in those places.  Thus, I can truly say that the notion of "home being of the heart", not a mere location, has become an even clearer reality. 

Which leads me to the next lesson of 2018:  Community.  Or as I like to think of it, Common Unity.  In today's world, there appears to be a lack of what is a vital need for our souls.  Thus, if we are not of the religious mindset, we lack a sense of community and without knowing any real place to discover it, to fulfill that need.  What I have discovered this year is that we need to empower ourselves to seek out and design that community for ourselves, looking back at the true meaning of the word, that is, as mentioned above, common unity.  For my part, I have found and reclaimed my own community, common unity, through various means, theatre, film, my own business being able to marry the ideas of work with relationships.  Because, in the end, all of life is just that: relationships.  In these relationships and common unity, I have been able to find the honesty to fully encounter my heart's home, finding peace, strength, and solace within which gives me the bold determination to do the like for my own created community, common unity, relationships.

Lastly, the connection of home within my heart, a state of being, and the true meaning of community has given me the strength to face myself, to stand up to the detrimental effects of hatred and bullying, to those that wish to hinder my way and those of my dearest kindred spirits, and through this empowered new life focus to find the healing release of the wounds of past emotional abuse. 

Through this healing, my own sense of community within the home in my heart has given me a peace that surpasses the external reality of my life, whatever it may be good or bad, with a renewed focus, clearly described and designed, leading me higher and higher into achieving my destiny.

In 2019, I do so hope that not only will I continue to thrive, to heal, to connect more deeply with my center, but I wish the same for you, gentle reader.  Go forth into the world and seek to know, to understand, to truly see and be seen, to connect, and to arrive home within your heart, finally, at peace.

My Heart Your Home