Me & Kate: Okay To Not Be Okay!

 

First off, I want to clear the air and let you all know, no, I'm not strangling my kitty in this photo.  This is my childhood kitty-cat, Jamocha Almond Fudge, with me around age 13.  She was attempting to get a way while my friend was snapping a photo of us, so thus I have this historically misrepresented photo of my life as a cat strangler, which I am not.   

The magazine photos of Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth do reflect the validity of my unending adoration and fandom for all things Beverly Hills, 90210.  

Okay, so that's out of the way, now onto the meat of the message.  Why am I sharing this bizarre photo of my younger self?  Well, to continue the thread of the Eponine deep dive, by highlighting my early adolescent years and the pre-pubescent desires that emerge at that time, spear-headed on by a lifetime absorbing Hollywood and Disney films of unending romance and approval gained only in connection to another.  In so diving into this, I want to utilize the 14 year old character, Kate, I play as part of the OHSU simulated patient gigs I do.  

So, Kate Williams is 14 years old, having recently moved from West Virginia to Oregon to live with her paternal grandparents because her father has recently been deployed.  Thus, her whole family and life is uprooted, which includes her, her mother, and her little 10 year old brat of a brother, Drew, at the tender onset of her adolescence.  Added to this stress, her mother's instability begins to show, she is a frequent no-show in the new family home arrangement, in fact, doesn't really live there at all.  On top of all that, she is now starting her first year of high school, new school, new environment, no friends....Sound familiar? First Day Of School!

So, all of this is pretty heavy, right? Kate seems to manage it all fairly well.  Into her new life comes Jamie, a fellow freshmen boy who loves the same things Kate does.  As Jamie and Kate forge a platonic friendship held with the mutual love of gaming and texting, Kate begins to develop deeper feelings for him.  However, it is not meant to be as Jamie is currently in a relationship to another girl.   Ah, there's the rub, the classic unrequited love we all have learned to deal with and more so fancy in our tragic Eponine years.  Perhaps, this longing for what we cannot attain and connect with has to deal more with our unconscious belief of our unworthiness of love and that love is not real if its not fought for.  After all, didn't Pat Benatar tell us that "Love Is A Battlefield"? 

So, yeah this is what we are taught, force-fed through the media and our cohorts in the early life journey of romance.  Ultimately, it infuses in us that others' approval and acceptance is what is needed to accept and approve of ourselves.  The need for external validation begins early in life, thus which makes it difficult to unravel as we continue forward in our evolution.  However, through a lot of hard emotional work, it is possible, I guarantee it.  I Guarantee It!

But healing and emotional growth takes time, but all can be mended and we learn from each circumstance we encounter, each relationship begun and ended in whatever fashion is a vessel for our own strengthening if we only would allow it.  When I was attached to the Fundie church, they used to tell us how living the pure life was what was needed to ensure a healthy marriage and that by dating around, meaning promiscuity, we were, in effect, shedding pieces of our heart that were rightfully meant for our future spouses.  However, I do not in all truth believe that because I can say with a marked certainty that every relationship and connection, whether platonic or romantic, has only deepened my sense of self and helped to enlarge my heart, not weaken it.  (A side note: all the church succeeded in doing with thus was heighten my already sense of shame and disconnect with my body and heart. Nicely done, I say sarcastically. )

Here's the thing, going through the struggles of our Eponine existence, the rejection and heartbreak of unrequited love, can, if we allow it, be the catalyst that helps strengthen and develop our own sense of self worth, innermost strength, and self acceptance.  Thus, those we choose to give our hearts, whether accepted fully or not, even if these connections end in gut-wrenching despair, are the lessons needed to guide us deeper into a true stability of self resolve.  

The biggest lesson I have learned from playing Kate, as I dwell within the drama of her current world, that of the minor issues of being a fourteen year old as well as the major issues with her family and home life, I recognize her immense strength she has in perseverance and staying positive.  However, the take away for me, for my younger self, for Kate, and for you, gentle reader, is that "It's okay to not be okay."

It is a way too prevalent reality in society that we hide our true feelings and are not honest with our emotions.  Just in the very automatic question of "How are you?" is the equally responded "Fine", without true consideration of how we really are.  This reality is false and a detriment to our individual as well as collective souls.  I believe a large part of the evil in our society is due to the disease caused by burying our emotions and hiding our mental impairments in shame.  This is a lesson we learn very early in our lives, almost as soon as we emerge from the womb. 

Step into the light, come out of the shadows.  Let's all admit openly our pain, our flaws, our weaknesses, and so doing find comfort in our mutual brokenness, building one another up to a renewed wholeness full of non-judgment and inner acceptance.  

For those of you in the throes of your Eponine struggles, this may be difficult to surmise, but for someone on the verge of moving beyond, I can attest that the heart break and pain I endured has passed and has provided me with an inner strength, peace, and self acceptance I could not have developed if it weren't for those struggles.  Thus, the years spent as Eponine are crucial to becoming a whole person, not just in romantic connection outward but also for our own inner relationship with self.

And, finally trust yourself in the process, feel your feelings, and know this as truth:

 "It's Okay To Not Be Okay!"

So, what are your thoughts on this? Comment below.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc.  Find out more  at: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com and support at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

11/2 Gratitude

 Morning Gratitude Affirmations

1.) Healthy food, like celery with peanut butter and raisins, aka "Ants on a log" and avocado---because they fuel me and not weigh me down

2.) Beverly Hills, 90210 because it makes me happy and fully me.

3.) Adam Sandler.  See Above For Reasons.  I have no shame in both loves.

4.) The fact that I can openly express my love for numbers 3 and 4, regardless of people's disdain, but can openly enjoy and be true to myself, is very uplifting, healing, and empowering. 

5.) My imagination and the ability I have always had to daydream and let that fuel my creative output

6.) Being an empath, though often draining, the ability to intuit the unseen feelings or emotional states of others, which affords me the uncanny ability to have correct knowledge of why, which is often not wanted

7.) Strong women role models that are mis-represented, devalued, even vilified, such as Shannen Doherty, Eva Peron, and Bettie Page!

8.) Realizing the gratitude in my time as Eponine, the lessons learned, strength of self developed, and how it has afforded me the peace of being comfortable in my own skin, so that finally I can embody all that is Cosette, accept who she is, see her value, without mockery or jealousy

On My Own

On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone

I walk with him till morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver

All the lights are misty in the river

In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight

And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind

That I'm talking to myself and not to him

And although I know that he is blind

Still I say, there's a way for us

9.) Finding my brand, my niche, as an actor, writer, overall artist, letting that fuel my creativity and watching it unfold its own time

10.) The fact that I am a Brenda.  I am like Shannen Doherty.  Shannen Doherty is to Hollywood as I am to the Rogue Valley theatre and film world.  I own that and am 100 percent all right with that.

11.) My wonderful little mobile home, the first place where I feel I have deep roots into my life as a grown up.

Tag! You are it!!  Share your gratitude list below! I would love to hear it.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media company with the sole purpose of helping artists of all variety discover their thrive.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

The View From 42

"Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything"

As the years come and go, and age creeps itself up, I ponder each year, the meaning of not just life, the universe, and everything, but in fact this whole age thing and what my role is in this life here bestowed to me on earth.  

One thing for sure is pause to think about what is age actually.  A few years back as I was winding my way through the not so flirty thirties, it dawned on me that I wasn't the "it" age any longer.  You know, the age that the media markets itself to in order to earn its buck.  This was surprising because in my youthful roaring twenties I never gave much thought but all of sudden when I wasn't the "target majority", I was like, "Hey, hold it right there, I'm still relevant, buster!"

All kidding aside.  Relevancy within the constructs of society is not an achievement, although my approval hungry low self esteem would warrant it, I am increasingly learning to be at home with myself.  And, that is the place I find myself in today, the day after my 42nd birthday.  Here I am, in the middle of my life, perhaps, with friends who have years I have yet to reach and friends behind whose time on this planet I have surpassed.   Perhaps I am not really in middle age, but with the aforementioned reasoning, it feels a little bit like that.  My friends with more life experience call me young, the ones with less shudder to use the O-word.  I smile graciously at both.  Age is increasingly becoming a mere number, life is more and more about the wisdom I am receiving and the overall health of mind I am daily coming upon.  

Basically, I feel the healthiest and best I have ever felt in my life, in fact, I feel the youngest.  It's this feeling of more and more comfortable and at home with myself, that causes this inner peace to vibrate outwards.  The journey still continues, I still have yet a lot of healing and growth to come as my journal entries reflect, but this thought does not dismay me, because I have a sense of profound calm in the journey, that despite the highs and lows of self-discovery, I shall prevail and arise stronger.

My goals for a better life will be attained, if I take each day as it comes.  Yet, I am learning to enjoy the moment I have now, falling in love with who I am today, instead of waiting for some far off perfection that may never arrive itself.   Because our hopes and dreams have a way of shifting as we follow the path, becoming better than we ever imagined.  I always dreamed of becoming a famous movie star, instead I am doing more than just working as an actor but pursuing the calling of the role of film producer and learning all that it means to run a successful business (from the ground up, baby.)

Increasingly more in my life, I desire balance and calm stability in my life.  Even in moments of exhilaration, like the fun of rehearsals, being on a late night set filming a movie, opening night of a play, I want the steady focus that comes from self care.  As a woman with bipolar, falling into the madness of mania may have its appeal in the moment but afterwards leaves me with an element of shame.  I want, in the end, to maintain the steadiness of both feet planted firmly on the earth, steps focused, heel to toe, touching the ground as I move along my path.  For it is in that place that I find my most creative expression guaranteed and satisfied, not in the place of exhilarating mania where I awaken with the embarrassment of uncertainty, causing my self esteem to spiral back downwards.   

So, I follow my routines daily, sometimes they alter in some ways based on the goals I need to accomplish in that day, but others are fixed, like my daily reading and journaling, my exercise and yoga practices, practicing my healthy ketogenic diet, and ensuring that I acquire the sufficient 8 hours of sleep needed to maintain that desired stability.  

And, in this path, I am viewing the idea of success from a different lens, not merely that of popularity and wealth (although having the upward climb of financial security gives a certain calm), but of an overall spiritual and/or emotional state of being.  The art of creating for me, whether it be acting, writing, working on and editing a web-series project, putting together a vision board collage, or even painting rocks (the list could go on, I know) is not merely for the increase of financial gain and the upward rising of my business but an uplift to my soul and, I hope, for those that partake.  More and more, I no longer worry about the quantity, the numbers that are viewing, but focus more on the quality, does this creative outlet inspire me, make me smile, laugh, and feel more at one with myself? If so, then true success has been reached and outwards it goes to those others that will find it inspiring, making them smile, laugh, and feel more at one with themselves.  A worthy goal for all, I believe and one that is a life-long achievement.

As my dear friend, Corinne, once told me in my youthfully naive twenties, "recovery is life-long".  And, its true.  We rise from ashes to ashes, as it were, phoenixes ever being improved and transformed.  With one release of a struggle, we are healed and able to climb another mountain, to heal another wound, to forgive, and become more of who we were meant to be.  

At times, I look back with shame at the choices of my life, even as soon as 2019, and want to hang my head.  However, if I hadn't made those errors, I wouldn't be where I am today.  I am discovering that there are no failures in life, but lessons to help us to grow and deepen our connection with self and source (Divine, God, Goddess, Universe, choose your title).  

Life has an interesting way of taking us seemingly backwards and thus at times this seems to be a way to teach us the most essential lesson needed in that particular instance.  I found myself once more with the above actress, Shannen Doherty, in the foreground of my mind and viewing.  I believe pop culture has its place within the realm of our spiritual and emotional healing.  That said, way, way back in the far off nineties, Shannen was the star of "Beverly Hills, 90210", and she was my role model, of sorts, I deeply admired and loved her.  On the other hand, there were those that held hatred in their hearts in as much degree as I loved.  I find that interesting that there are individuals whatever the career or degree that cause that intense of emotions, whether positive or negative, and I feel its a facet to not just admire, but ponder.  For whatever reason, Shannen is one of those individuals that has been equally loved and hated at an intense level.  A goddess I call her, but whatever she be or not, she has proven herself to be strong, able to persevere, and stay true to herself.  This is the true reason I admired her then, although as an awkward teen struggling to figure out how to fit in and define myself, I would not have described it that way.  "She's so pretty," I would say, but inwardly I admired the confidence.  

Yes, she was and is brave.  She maintained working as an actress after being fired from two popular tv shows for alleged bad behavior, being slandered with the 'bitch' title during the shaky women's rights of the nineties, and then more recently fought the battle of breast cancer (and basically won.)  So, it was with excitement and gratitude that I saw her return to her roots on last summer's reboot, BH90210, and as I was pleased with the version of herself she played (and basically only watched for her), I was more impressed with her red carpet and publicity shots.  From the girl who used to dash about in such outfits as the above photo displays, along came Shannen in cute slacks, a fitted t-shirt, a leather jacket, and flat soled shoes, or some variety of sorts similar to that.  While the other actresses, Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth, smiled in front of the camera in their cute dresses and heels, Shannen strutted herself proudly, without any awkward worry about how she looked, laughing with her friends.  And, even though she wore these clothes, she looked beautiful, classy, and, dare I say, even sexy.  But, she wasn't trying...that's big here....she wasn't trying.  That's what impressed me the most.  The most sexiest and appealing thing about her today is that she is and isn't afraid to show it.  

So, thus in recent months, I have been following her lead.  It's funny to me that at 42 and her 49 I am still taking dress advice (or now rather life advice) but as I said before, she's special.  From what I see of her through her social media posts and interviews, she is teaching me more than who to date and what to wear as she once did, but more about how to be at peace with yourself, which battles to fight and which ones to let go, and how to live (and die, yes, I'll say it, she has terminal cancer) with grace.  

Which is basically the view I see it now from 42, the meaning of life for me is more about me and in that I feel an authentic love for those that come along my path.  I desire to help them find, love, and appreciate themselves as I seek mine.

When I say that I'm okay, well they look at me kinda strange

"Surely, you're not happy now, you no longer play the game"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6YnizK2LZs

Got something to say? Comment below.  I would love to hear your thoughts.

The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media production company with the intent to raise awareness through quality entertainment meant to enlighten, uplift, heal, and inspire.  Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions

What I learned from #BH90210, then & now

"Maybe going back is just what we need to move forward."--Tori Spelling

I look at the above photo and I am instantly transported back in my mind to a simpler time, when I could look out at the world and dream of how I wanted my life to be, before it had really begun.  I was a young, impressionable, very naive teenager living in the backwoods of the Northern California wine country.  Despite my parents' efforts to expose me to the wider world through travel, trips to the city to visit museums and see professional theater, I still had a very inexperienced view of the world about me.  A lot of it came from my taking in the current television shows and pop culture available to me at the time.  Back then, we didn't have cable or a wide access to as many stations as there are today, we only had about 5 channels to view, unless you count the grainy barely able to come in channel 11, which sometimes played the same shows as channel 7 congruently, then we had six channels.  But I digress...

Also, the Internet had yet to truly take off, so as I said above our scant access to TV, magazines, radio, the daily paper were our guide to navigate how to live in the culture of the day. 

All this to say, that we all have the tendency to look back with fondness at our past experiences.  After the hardships and wounds from the bitter slings of arrow have healed to become forgotten, we only have in our mind the happier times, the old jokes come back and make us laugh until tears spring to our eyes.  We want to reach out, re-connect with the old faces that peopled those times.

This year I have had the fortunate experience of revisiting with different facets of my past selves and for a variety of reasons been able to heal myself at those different ages, learn from them, release their wound, and travel forward with a new lightness of being.  Through different circumstances that I was brought into this year, I have visited with my 27 year old self, my 23 year old self, and my 15 year old self.  At each level, they have expressed a degree of hardship as I truly relive those painful times of doubt, insecurity, nonacceptance of who I am by being surrounded by those that do not allow me to truly be myself. 

However, the most heartbreaking was sitting with my 15 year old self after the passing of Luke Perry last March.  Luke Perry, for those who are unaware, played Dylan McKay on the nineties smash hit TV show, Beverly Hills, 90210.  Like many a fan girl of the era, I loved, adored, and crushed on him, plastering my walls with his face, vacillating between making him my object of worship or turning my attention to that of Jason Priestly.  (Ultimately, the pendulum always swung back to Luke, as I am and always have been a sucker for the bad boy.)

His loss was a major blow that felt as if a piece of my childhood had died, gone forever.  A bit of that naive outlook at life forever vanquished due to the reality of life's fragility and ultimate end.  Even though we know death is inevitable, when faced with the reality of it through the loss of someone dear, however the level of attachment, it still stings like a bitch!

So, I sat with my 15 year old self, watching the tears stream down her face, her body wracked with sobs.  She was not as easy to resolve as the 23 year old self who merely wanted to hang out with a boy she used to date of which the church had forbade or the 27 year old self who was comfortable to sit in the cafe by herself, healing the wounds of neglect from that time period.  My 15 year old was still very much a child, with no real understanding of the duties of life, unlike the twenty something selves who had experiences being a grown up. 

I've written in a previous blog from last March about my experience bringing healing to my 15 year old self, so I won't go any further with that story line.  What I do want to focus on is the desire we all have to look back with fondness and the lessons we can glean from doing just that. 

When expressing my excitement about the reboot of #BH90210 over the last few months, I have experienced some judgment from others based on the cast 'going back' and even my own fascination with the past.  But, if we were all to be truly honest with ourselves, we all look back with rose-colored glasses and all experience the same judgment from others.  This judgment is not necessarily a bad thing as a true friend can remind us of the negativity of that time period that our happy hindsight blinds us to forget. 

So, its as Tori Spelling said in the first episode of the reboot, "Maybe going back is just what we need to move forward."  In going back, we can examine every aspect of our past and find the healing to begin again. 

Its in that that I express the reasoning behind my excitement of #BH90210.  For many years, I expressed shame over my teenage obsession with Beverly Hills, 90210, to my own detriment.  I was not honoring my 15 year old self, not honoring all of who I was and ultimately who I am.  By doing so now, by proudly displaying a revised section of my closet with magazine cutouts of the cast, I am allowing a part of me, once hidden, to come forth.  And, this is not only reserved for the part of me that fixated on '90210, but all of me, warts and all, as they say. 

I accept all of it, with pride.  I accept the hard years of depression, outbursts of anger, and the happy years of celebration.  Its all made me who I am today and continually shapes how I define my path towards my destiny.  By looking back, I find the ability to not only heal, let go, but have complete pride in myself.

To quote Kelly Taylor from the original series of 90210, when faced with the choice of either Dylan or Brandon (as reflection of many a fan girl including me), she smiled with strength upon them and said,

I choose me!

Like Kelly Taylor, I do the same.  I choose me.  All of me, of all time, forever.  I choose me.

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