My Life, My Choice

 

My Life--Dido

What I choose to do is of no concern to you and your friends

Where I lay my hat may not be my home, but I will last on my own

'Cause it's me, and my life, it's my life, it's my life

Oh the world has sat in the palm of my hand not that you'd see

And I'm tired and bored of waiting for you and all those things you never do

'Cause it's me, and my life, it's my life, it's my life.

I fully recognize how this year 2020 has been one of the most trying for all of us, not just in the United States but throughout the whole world.  I get it, but I also believe that it can inspire a mindshift that is possible to bring about a reality change, both personally and globally.  

That said, in the very early hours of 2020, I set an intention for the year, a goal as it were, that this would be a year of health and clarity, vision.  Setting that intention allowed me the freedom to be flexible as the changing tides of the crazy set in last March and I remained in that place of stability and security despite the upheaval that continued in its enormity this year.  

Being forced to slow down and step back from the daily grind and rat race that I was prone to in the years prior to 2020 gave me the ability to prioritize and set clear intentions for my life personally, my mental wellness, as well as my career and business ventures.  Taking this time to slow down allowed me to find balance which enabled me to find security, stability, and my sense of self worth and validation increasingly within and not without. This afforded me to not only find healing and freedom from past toxic relationships but openly and continually evaluate what I want and value in an interpersonal connection.

That said, there is a tendency in today's society to view relationship as a means to increase our value personally without realizing the importance another person has for themselves.  We, as a whole, tend to look outward from a variety of purposes, for acceptance and a sense of self worth.  Connecting with another becomes less about truly finding union and more about what can I gain from another in order to feel secure within and without.  Yes, relationships are transactional, a give and take, as it were, but too many times I feel we focus on the take and give in order to take more.  This year I have been focusing my energy on giving where it is indeed received freely and not necessarily for my own gain if only for the benefit of maintaining a true and definite soul connection with that other person, seeing their face light up with the fullness of being treasured in their heart by another is truly a gift worthy.

Too many times in recent years, I have witnessed this degree of anxiety in myself that I am not doing enough to win the approval of another.  This year I have realized that the connections that enforce this sense of duty upon me are not truly friends, not deserving of my energy or time for there will never be any real reciprocation of true soul connection, and, in the true fullness of the word, are, in fact, toxic. 

Without pointing fingers, I have realized this in an element of my personal community, that of my local theatre scene.  There is a high propensity in recent years in the theatre community that goes beyond the competitive and political, and is venturing increasingly into the arena of toxic manipulation and abuse.  Too much of the connection is based on what another can gain from me and not an enduring soul connection.  A quid pro pro, I give so I can take, not truly from a lasting place of wanting to freely give and connect.  I realize that this may stem from all of our inner feelings of lack of self worth and needing to find that validation outward to increase our inner calm and reduce the sense of dis-ease.  Regardless, it is a toxic way of life that is no longer beneficial. 

In years prior to 2020, before the slowing down and stepping back of quarantine, I have felt increasing anxiety of never feeling 'good enough' or 'worthy' based on this heightened abusive transactional relationship.  It has increased in me the fears of relationship, abandonment and avoidance issues, and brought further into my consciousness that of my past trauma issues.  This time of stepping back has allowed me to realize the nature of the outward connection, how it relates to my inner tranquility or lack thereof, and what a true soul connection truly means.

That said, I have decided hereto that I will no longer engage either directly or indirectly with those connections which are toxic and know wholeheartedly this will not affect me on a negative level, whether personally or in a career fashion, but know that it will and has brought about a peace of mind, enabled me to strengthen my sense of self worth, and infused me with a new degree of wanting to freely give where I know it will be received without judgment.  

For those that I step back from, please know this is not an attack on you personally and know that I do care deeply for you, your inner self.  This is an attack on a practice, that of toxicity and abuse, that are no longer service to myself, to you, or to the community and world.  I hope for all of us that this year has been more than just outwardly yelling the "Fuck You 2020" but a time of change and re-evaluation of what is indeed important and finding the healing to increase our sense of worth without looking outward.

I don't need you to worry for me 'cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home

I don't care what you say anymore this is my life

Go ahead with your own life leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance

I never said I was a victim of circumstance

I still belong

Don't get me wrong

And you can speak your mind

But not on my time

My Life--Billy Joel

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Blaming Won't Help Anything!

I have found that it is increasingly true that our thoughts control our reality.  What I mean by that is that our thoughts form our emotions and perceptions.  This, then, shapes how we orient in the world.  This allows our actions and reactions based on circumstances to determine the path we take to attain or not our goals.  It is true then that if we examine our thinking and work to effect the inward change, our perception of life will benefit, our focus and outlook will shift our overall journey and the degree of satisfaction we find therein.

I witness a lot of my friends, on social media and other ways, complaining about their lots in life, whether on a personal or global level.  The need to blame others is universally accepted and seems to be the norm.  But while it feels like we find connection through our mutual victim mentality, we actually become increasingly alienated.  Although we all fall into the pattern of blaming and claiming victim-hood, no one really wants to listen to another's victim story on repeat.  Perhaps this is because we each do not want to spend the time self-examining ourselves in order to impact change, thus seeing another's inner repetitive struggle only puts the mirror up to our own weaknesses.  That may be part of it, but that's a theme for another time.  

Today I want to focus on the reality that blaming others puts us in the endless cycle of victim-hood.  This victim mentality becomes as a drug that deepens our weakness and our ability to change for the better.  However, like any drug, we can overcome.

However, overcoming and relieving ourselves from the dependency on this drug takes a lot of inner work to change the dependency and habit.  I know, because I am personally on that path and have been doing so hardcore since the start of 2020, and somewhat before.  For this reason, the quarantine is a beneficial time for me to slow down with the minimal distractions that allow me to stagnate and truly examine myself, the warts and all, rather the sides of myself I don't like, and allow myself to truly heal and recover.  

It takes work, a lot of work, daily, even minutely, to change the tape recorder in my head.  The one of complaining, blaming, the voices in my head that plays on repeat  trains of thought that lead me in the downward spiral towards depression and despondency.  

I have spent a good deal of time this year, especially within the last forty days or so of COVID-19, digging deep into a wide assortment of spiritual and self-help style books, podcasts, as well as journaling and phone calls with my new therapist.  What I am learning is that it takes active work in order to re-wire the thought processes that can be train wrecks of the mind and soul.  

But, thus I persevere.  Or as Elizabeth Warren, so do I: Nevertheless, she persisted.  Because it does take a lot of work and a lot of energy...no wonder I am so drained and exhausted by the end of the day and why even in this time of social distancing and slowing down, I still feel as if I have a lot to do...its not the physical labor of working for a living or living to work, but rather the mental re-programming necessary for truly beginning to thrive inwardly, then outwardly.

The steps thus far I have taken may seem slight but I have noticed vast improvement in my overall demeanor, mood, and outlook.  From the active choice of eliminating the toxic element, such as stepping back from intense interaction from abusive relationships or over-indulgence in certain life-style behaviors, has helped with the overall improvement of re-framing my thinking.  As well as the variety of self-help, spiritual texts and the like, I have been able to see that the world and all the inhabitants therein are not truly out to get me.  This is true, for all of us, if even in the dark times it may feel true, it really isn't.  

By making the choices I have made thus far, my perspective on circumstances, events, and relationships, both positive and negative, have shifted closer to the positive.  What if those that seem to knock me down was really a decision on a soul level, basically the cause is not to destroy but to uplift and overcome our weaknesses, our pain?  Have you ever noticed how you seem to come across the same types of struggles, even if it appears in the face of different individuals or circumstances? I have, for myself.  There is a reason for that, I have found, in that if I choose to blame or suffer in the victim mentality, the struggle will continue and repeat itself in a different variety until....until I surrender, learn from the issue, change my perception, and release.  

I'm not trying to be holier than thou, but I am truly showing tried and true methods that I have used and am using to change my thinking and thus my world.  My focus on my career, my personal relationships, and myself is shifting continuously towards the positive.  And, yes, I still struggle, I still fall down into the wallowing pits of despair, but I can see now that it is becoming far easier and easier to shift the perspective even in those darker moments.  

In short, my life is far better and is increasingly getting even more so because of this daily self work.  Life is a choice, whether to blame and maintain the victim-hood or to shift into a positive higher vibration.  The choice is yours, my friend, and I help you do so wisely.  

Whatever you choose, know that the connection I hold with you, is a gift to myself that has and is shaping my inner growth and healing.  Thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpAEncw-H5Q

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

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The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions,Inc a film and media company with the focus of bringing positive social change.  To support us, head over to: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions