Dreams Don't Just Happen: Night Court Of Life Lessons Chapter Eight

Hard Work Pays Off, Just Ask Dan

Say what you want about him, love him or hate him or even both, Dan Fielding is a hard worker, diligently doing what he has to elevate his position.  Along the way, it may appear as if his soul has been lost but it's only momentarily mired in the mud of the endless pursuit, for when it is necessary, once again it emerges prevailing doing what's right.

As we learn throughout the seasons, Dan is a self-made man, building himself by his own blood, sweat, and tears having literally come up from being dirt poor.  That's right, his father was a dirt farmer, who never could really amount to anything or get anything growing on his property.  However, unsuccessful his parents were at running a farm, they were successful at child-rearing because they gave all they had to help start Dan out, from there every gain he has received has been with every effort of his own.  Yet, with such focus he found great success and gain.

It's an old trope, "hard work pays off" especially in western cultures, that of hard work is rewarded and laziness is considered a weakness leading to failure.  "You never fail if you just try", another quips.  Furthermore, dreams don't come true merely by imagining, but those imaginings are what propel us ever forward to take each step necessary to reach our ambitions.  At times, the road seems fraught with peril and we are want to throw in the towel, feeling as if no end is in sight to reach our desired destinations.

Currently, I find myself in that frame of mind, having sat here at this computer, working steadily on various content projects feeling as if I can never quite move forward far enough, yet at the same time that my intentions seem not so far off simultanously it feels as if they keep moving just a little bit farther the closer I get to it.  Maddeningly at times, truly.  

Yet, as I write this, hilariously I am finding strength by looking at the character of Dan Fielding, who came up from dirt and pulled himself by his own bootstraps to pursue his career ambitions.  So, too, I could look at John Larroquette, the man who has inspired my acting ambitions, has worked steadily for over forty years, pursuing his dreams as an actor, one job after the next, successfully killing it along the way (sometimes not, remember the talk show debacle).  

So, my friend, when you find yourself downtrodden, discouraged, turn on Night Court season one and episode one, follow Dan Fieldings  journey throughout the years and see how a lot of striving and scheming was truly driven by an unwavering belief in reaching his desired destination.

Every step I'm taking

Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction

My faith is shaking

But I, I gotta keep trying

Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain

I'm always gonna wanna make it move

Always gonna be an uphill battle

Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's the climb

The Climb

Blaming Won't Help Anything!

I have found that it is increasingly true that our thoughts control our reality.  What I mean by that is that our thoughts form our emotions and perceptions.  This, then, shapes how we orient in the world.  This allows our actions and reactions based on circumstances to determine the path we take to attain or not our goals.  It is true then that if we examine our thinking and work to effect the inward change, our perception of life will benefit, our focus and outlook will shift our overall journey and the degree of satisfaction we find therein.

I witness a lot of my friends, on social media and other ways, complaining about their lots in life, whether on a personal or global level.  The need to blame others is universally accepted and seems to be the norm.  But while it feels like we find connection through our mutual victim mentality, we actually become increasingly alienated.  Although we all fall into the pattern of blaming and claiming victim-hood, no one really wants to listen to another's victim story on repeat.  Perhaps this is because we each do not want to spend the time self-examining ourselves in order to impact change, thus seeing another's inner repetitive struggle only puts the mirror up to our own weaknesses.  That may be part of it, but that's a theme for another time.  

Today I want to focus on the reality that blaming others puts us in the endless cycle of victim-hood.  This victim mentality becomes as a drug that deepens our weakness and our ability to change for the better.  However, like any drug, we can overcome.

However, overcoming and relieving ourselves from the dependency on this drug takes a lot of inner work to change the dependency and habit.  I know, because I am personally on that path and have been doing so hardcore since the start of 2020, and somewhat before.  For this reason, the quarantine is a beneficial time for me to slow down with the minimal distractions that allow me to stagnate and truly examine myself, the warts and all, rather the sides of myself I don't like, and allow myself to truly heal and recover.  

It takes work, a lot of work, daily, even minutely, to change the tape recorder in my head.  The one of complaining, blaming, the voices in my head that plays on repeat  trains of thought that lead me in the downward spiral towards depression and despondency.  

I have spent a good deal of time this year, especially within the last forty days or so of COVID-19, digging deep into a wide assortment of spiritual and self-help style books, podcasts, as well as journaling and phone calls with my new therapist.  What I am learning is that it takes active work in order to re-wire the thought processes that can be train wrecks of the mind and soul.  

But, thus I persevere.  Or as Elizabeth Warren, so do I: Nevertheless, she persisted.  Because it does take a lot of work and a lot of energy...no wonder I am so drained and exhausted by the end of the day and why even in this time of social distancing and slowing down, I still feel as if I have a lot to do...its not the physical labor of working for a living or living to work, but rather the mental re-programming necessary for truly beginning to thrive inwardly, then outwardly.

The steps thus far I have taken may seem slight but I have noticed vast improvement in my overall demeanor, mood, and outlook.  From the active choice of eliminating the toxic element, such as stepping back from intense interaction from abusive relationships or over-indulgence in certain life-style behaviors, has helped with the overall improvement of re-framing my thinking.  As well as the variety of self-help, spiritual texts and the like, I have been able to see that the world and all the inhabitants therein are not truly out to get me.  This is true, for all of us, if even in the dark times it may feel true, it really isn't.  

By making the choices I have made thus far, my perspective on circumstances, events, and relationships, both positive and negative, have shifted closer to the positive.  What if those that seem to knock me down was really a decision on a soul level, basically the cause is not to destroy but to uplift and overcome our weaknesses, our pain?  Have you ever noticed how you seem to come across the same types of struggles, even if it appears in the face of different individuals or circumstances? I have, for myself.  There is a reason for that, I have found, in that if I choose to blame or suffer in the victim mentality, the struggle will continue and repeat itself in a different variety until....until I surrender, learn from the issue, change my perception, and release.  

I'm not trying to be holier than thou, but I am truly showing tried and true methods that I have used and am using to change my thinking and thus my world.  My focus on my career, my personal relationships, and myself is shifting continuously towards the positive.  And, yes, I still struggle, I still fall down into the wallowing pits of despair, but I can see now that it is becoming far easier and easier to shift the perspective even in those darker moments.  

In short, my life is far better and is increasingly getting even more so because of this daily self work.  Life is a choice, whether to blame and maintain the victim-hood or to shift into a positive higher vibration.  The choice is yours, my friend, and I help you do so wisely.  

Whatever you choose, know that the connection I hold with you, is a gift to myself that has and is shaping my inner growth and healing.  Thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpAEncw-H5Q

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

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Make Your Own Night Court

"You are making your own Night Court."

This was a message I heard loud and clear while filming scenes for season one of Nate & Laura & How They Met, my production company's original webseries.  A childhood idol, fatherly role model, Harry Anderson, had recently passed, a few days previous.  I was raw from the loss and feeling the empty hole within my heart.  

I felt a closeness with him as never before.  He had always held a vivid connection in my heart.  He was such a magical force, full of energy and love, onscreen.  I was drawn to him, captivated by the warmth of his loving blue eyes, that seemed to penetrate through the TV screen right into my heart, giving me a sense of peace and hope.  As a small, lonely child, I felt as if someone cared for me, as if I had a family, far, far away, living a life I could only dream of and hope to attain.

Through the reality of life, I seemingly forgot about his magic pull, pushed it towards the back of my mind, distracted by the highs and lows of growing up.  But the need for a strong fatherly love and acceptance, as well as the desire to perform, burnt ever inside me and became a driving force throughout my life in what I would allow to captivate me.  Its one of the main reasons I fell hook, line, and sinker for the wiles of the fundamentalist lifestyle.

In 2012, through my own life's journey, I re-entered the theatre world, consequently openly pursued the life of an actor, suddenly realizing my true calling in life.  Nothing would stop me, I had found my home.  

Throughout the years, I would return to Night Court, watching re-runs on DVD with friends.  My heart would fall back to those early years of childhood adoration, respect, admiration for Harry and the cast and I developed a new appreciation for the show as an adult, the acting and writing specifically.  (It was an amazing show that was under appreciated in its time and I say that not as a fan, but as someone who knows their shit when it comes to writing, there I said it. Now go watch it!)

So, on that day on set, when I heard that message, my heart was still raw from the loss and the reality that I had never told him what he meant for me while he was on this plain of existence...but things were starting to change in my heart.  The reality of it was that I was feeling a closeness with him like never before.  I was beginning to see the connections throughout our lives even if we had never known each other.  We had walked similar paths and yet had never known it.  Our souls were linked on a higher level, even if we had never met face to face in this time period.  

Since his passing this year, I have walked through the stages of grief and letting go, learning to appreciate and understand just what he meant for me.  When I heard that line, "You are making your own Night Court", I barely understand what it meant but found it reassuring anyway.  I felt as if it was his voice, coming through to my soul, a strong fatherly presence that would be with me directly moving forward.  No longer would I have to feel the lack and the distance between this person, he was and always would be with me, watching over me.

As the year went on and I worked through my heart-ache, I would find more quotes and hear more messages from him that would strengthen and help me to persevere.  As the months moved on, I found my focus shifting.  No longer did I have this incessant need to keep myself updated on all the latest episodes of whatever TV show was popular and as a self-proclaimed whovian, I still haven't finished the 12th's doctor reign and yet already one season of the 13th doctor has completed.  I found this odd at first and wondered why this was now increasingly my reality.

Then, I suddenly got it.  I am now 'making my own Night Court".  I have moved this year, especially in recent months, more and more to work for myself as far as "survival jobs" so as to have more time to focus on the production company needs and my own creative pursuits, acting and writing mainly.  I solidified my vision in who I am as an artist and what I want to achieve, also what success truly means to be.  All this brought on the realization that those who have made it, found success as actors, writers, artists in any sense, have sacrificed much time and energy in these pursuits, have had drive and focus put into working hard to make their dreams a reality.  

So, in a sense, my focus in 'making my own Night Court' is making my dreams a reality, letting nothing distract from that ambition and letting the small daily goals be the impetus to reach the final outcome.  

The Climb by Miley Cyrus

Begin/End

As I look back over my life, I'm amazed that my life has been a constant stream of beginnings and endings, death of the old and the dawn of the new life, as it were.  From entering preschool to the day I graduated high school or college, to the day I walked into Calvary Chapel, to the time I walked out of Calvary Chapel, my wedding day and that fateful day I received my final divorce papers, and on and on it goes.

A particular crushing beginning and ending is the moment I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.   Looking back at myself during that time,  it felt more like the end of it all rather than any sort of beginning.  The end of my career, the end of so many friendships, the end of my sense of self, and almost the end of my life; however today I realize it was, in fact, the dawn of a new sense of self.

A nearby Jewish temple has a "tree of life" stained glass window at the front of their sanctuary.  During the times that I have gone to this temple, for whatever reason, I always find myself transfixed by this image.  The Tree of Life is a design similar to a DNA strand, the bottom part being the beginning and the top part the final resolution.  It's the middle part that really fascinates me.  The middle part being the times of our lives when we struggle to persevere, work our way through hard times, and once we find our way out, find that by working through all of it, our new lives, our real selves, emerge.

The Climb

Today there is a new trend called the "semicolon" movement.  This thrills me completely.  The thought that this ; can signify a person's need to take a break for their mental health is a victory in my eyes.  For I have long sense seen myself as one who goes before, a role model as it were to future generations.  During my time of struggling with my mental illness, there was no such thing as the 'semicolon' movement.   My friends and I who were diagnosed and struggling during that time had to deal with the disapproval of family, friends, and society for having to pause from life.  In addition to dealing with debilitating depression, the rapid mood swings, the suicidal ideation, and sometimes the high highs, we had to face the societal stigma of mental illness.

So, what did we do? We fought.  We stood up and were open and honest with ourselves and the world around at us.  We did it for our own health, our own happiness, and our own futures.  We fought against the backlash of stigma.  And, in the end, we stand victorious with those struggling now showing that they too can overcome.  We stand as beacons of hope, those who have gone through it and survived, and even more so, are thriving.

So, the endings in my life are not always that.  They are also beginnings.

The Story of My Life