"Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything"
As the years come and go, and age creeps itself up, I ponder each year, the meaning of not just life, the universe, and everything, but in fact this whole age thing and what my role is in this life here bestowed to me on earth.
One thing for sure is pause to think about what is age actually. A few years back as I was winding my way through the not so flirty thirties, it dawned on me that I wasn't the "it" age any longer. You know, the age that the media markets itself to in order to earn its buck. This was surprising because in my youthful roaring twenties I never gave much thought but all of sudden when I wasn't the "target majority", I was like, "Hey, hold it right there, I'm still relevant, buster!"
All kidding aside. Relevancy within the constructs of society is not an achievement, although my approval hungry low self esteem would warrant it, I am increasingly learning to be at home with myself. And, that is the place I find myself in today, the day after my 42nd birthday. Here I am, in the middle of my life, perhaps, with friends who have years I have yet to reach and friends behind whose time on this planet I have surpassed. Perhaps I am not really in middle age, but with the aforementioned reasoning, it feels a little bit like that. My friends with more life experience call me young, the ones with less shudder to use the O-word. I smile graciously at both. Age is increasingly becoming a mere number, life is more and more about the wisdom I am receiving and the overall health of mind I am daily coming upon.
Basically, I feel the healthiest and best I have ever felt in my life, in fact, I feel the youngest. It's this feeling of more and more comfortable and at home with myself, that causes this inner peace to vibrate outwards. The journey still continues, I still have yet a lot of healing and growth to come as my journal entries reflect, but this thought does not dismay me, because I have a sense of profound calm in the journey, that despite the highs and lows of self-discovery, I shall prevail and arise stronger.
My goals for a better life will be attained, if I take each day as it comes. Yet, I am learning to enjoy the moment I have now, falling in love with who I am today, instead of waiting for some far off perfection that may never arrive itself. Because our hopes and dreams have a way of shifting as we follow the path, becoming better than we ever imagined. I always dreamed of becoming a famous movie star, instead I am doing more than just working as an actor but pursuing the calling of the role of film producer and learning all that it means to run a successful business (from the ground up, baby.)
Increasingly more in my life, I desire balance and calm stability in my life. Even in moments of exhilaration, like the fun of rehearsals, being on a late night set filming a movie, opening night of a play, I want the steady focus that comes from self care. As a woman with bipolar, falling into the madness of mania may have its appeal in the moment but afterwards leaves me with an element of shame. I want, in the end, to maintain the steadiness of both feet planted firmly on the earth, steps focused, heel to toe, touching the ground as I move along my path. For it is in that place that I find my most creative expression guaranteed and satisfied, not in the place of exhilarating mania where I awaken with the embarrassment of uncertainty, causing my self esteem to spiral back downwards.
So, I follow my routines daily, sometimes they alter in some ways based on the goals I need to accomplish in that day, but others are fixed, like my daily reading and journaling, my exercise and yoga practices, practicing my healthy ketogenic diet, and ensuring that I acquire the sufficient 8 hours of sleep needed to maintain that desired stability.
And, in this path, I am viewing the idea of success from a different lens, not merely that of popularity and wealth (although having the upward climb of financial security gives a certain calm), but of an overall spiritual and/or emotional state of being. The art of creating for me, whether it be acting, writing, working on and editing a web-series project, putting together a vision board collage, or even painting rocks (the list could go on, I know) is not merely for the increase of financial gain and the upward rising of my business but an uplift to my soul and, I hope, for those that partake. More and more, I no longer worry about the quantity, the numbers that are viewing, but focus more on the quality, does this creative outlet inspire me, make me smile, laugh, and feel more at one with myself? If so, then true success has been reached and outwards it goes to those others that will find it inspiring, making them smile, laugh, and feel more at one with themselves. A worthy goal for all, I believe and one that is a life-long achievement.
As my dear friend, Corinne, once told me in my youthfully naive twenties, "recovery is life-long". And, its true. We rise from ashes to ashes, as it were, phoenixes ever being improved and transformed. With one release of a struggle, we are healed and able to climb another mountain, to heal another wound, to forgive, and become more of who we were meant to be.
At times, I look back with shame at the choices of my life, even as soon as 2019, and want to hang my head. However, if I hadn't made those errors, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am discovering that there are no failures in life, but lessons to help us to grow and deepen our connection with self and source (Divine, God, Goddess, Universe, choose your title).
Life has an interesting way of taking us seemingly backwards and thus at times this seems to be a way to teach us the most essential lesson needed in that particular instance. I found myself once more with the above actress, Shannen Doherty, in the foreground of my mind and viewing. I believe pop culture has its place within the realm of our spiritual and emotional healing. That said, way, way back in the far off nineties, Shannen was the star of "Beverly Hills, 90210", and she was my role model, of sorts, I deeply admired and loved her. On the other hand, there were those that held hatred in their hearts in as much degree as I loved. I find that interesting that there are individuals whatever the career or degree that cause that intense of emotions, whether positive or negative, and I feel its a facet to not just admire, but ponder. For whatever reason, Shannen is one of those individuals that has been equally loved and hated at an intense level. A goddess I call her, but whatever she be or not, she has proven herself to be strong, able to persevere, and stay true to herself. This is the true reason I admired her then, although as an awkward teen struggling to figure out how to fit in and define myself, I would not have described it that way. "She's so pretty," I would say, but inwardly I admired the confidence.
Yes, she was and is brave. She maintained working as an actress after being fired from two popular tv shows for alleged bad behavior, being slandered with the 'bitch' title during the shaky women's rights of the nineties, and then more recently fought the battle of breast cancer (and basically won.) So, it was with excitement and gratitude that I saw her return to her roots on last summer's reboot, BH90210, and as I was pleased with the version of herself she played (and basically only watched for her), I was more impressed with her red carpet and publicity shots. From the girl who used to dash about in such outfits as the above photo displays, along came Shannen in cute slacks, a fitted t-shirt, a leather jacket, and flat soled shoes, or some variety of sorts similar to that. While the other actresses, Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth, smiled in front of the camera in their cute dresses and heels, Shannen strutted herself proudly, without any awkward worry about how she looked, laughing with her friends. And, even though she wore these clothes, she looked beautiful, classy, and, dare I say, even sexy. But, she wasn't trying...that's big here....she wasn't trying. That's what impressed me the most. The most sexiest and appealing thing about her today is that she is and isn't afraid to show it.
So, thus in recent months, I have been following her lead. It's funny to me that at 42 and her 49 I am still taking dress advice (or now rather life advice) but as I said before, she's special. From what I see of her through her social media posts and interviews, she is teaching me more than who to date and what to wear as she once did, but more about how to be at peace with yourself, which battles to fight and which ones to let go, and how to live (and die, yes, I'll say it, she has terminal cancer) with grace.
Which is basically the view I see it now from 42, the meaning of life for me is more about me and in that I feel an authentic love for those that come along my path. I desire to help them find, love, and appreciate themselves as I seek mine.
When I say that I'm okay, well they look at me kinda strange
"Surely, you're not happy now, you no longer play the game"
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The Thriving Artist is a subset of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, a film and media production company with the intent to raise awareness through quality entertainment meant to enlighten, uplift, heal, and inspire. Support us at: www.patreon.com/cafegirlproductions
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