Sharing Is Caring #recovery #authentichealing #healingtothriving

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath 
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
 So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I am a strange one.  Perhaps its the long unfolding journey of recovery I have been on since 2006 when diagnosed with Bipolar, wherein the years unfolding I found myself in a myriad of support group and therapy sessions and found the healing value of authentic sharing.  Truly, Sharing is Caring! Since then, I have never ceased to find value in true, meaningful, and lasting connection with others who have walked a path of tumult similar to mine.  From NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support groups, to reaching out to my ex-husband's other ex-wife whom I had never met when I was traveling the difficult process of separating, filing a restraining order, from him, to creating a variety of Facebook groups around 'religious trauma, emotional abuse, mental illness, women growing older, to finding value in re-connecting with old friends leaving the church I was in, I have discovered that this is not necessarily the course of action that others follow.

Many, it would appear, when leaving a stressful situation, deal with the conflict in the moment, set themselves free, perhaps attend some one on one therapy, and move forward with life.  Yet, for me, in my own personal experience, there is so much more value in authentic openness and sharing with other survivors.  There is laughter, holding space in attentive listening, bringing about this immense relief and power of freedom in one's recovery.

I guess that I forgot I had a choice 
I let you push me past the breaking point 
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

It is such that I have embarked on weekly recording myself reading through the journals I have written in since 'I was old enough to hold a pen or pencil', (See: Journaling Through The Years) while maintaining the privacy of others mentioned throughout, I dive deep into my inner psyche throughout every stage of my life and reveal, finding that in bringing to the light the darkness truly does lose its power.  This is done not without a sense of shame or remorse, but with the desire to be free from such so that I may continue my life with a lightness of being.

It is with that in mind I continue forward, becoming a facilitator for NAMI's Connection Recovery Support Group, wherein a group of individuals living with mental health conditions of every sort, will gather together each week to find support and hope in their journeys, a family of sorts will be built.  As well, my preparations for the Cafe-Girl Thriving Artists "Artist Soul Coaching & Workshops" where artists of every variety will work upon themselves through the dynamic healing power of all artistic forms, developing true community, and freedom within. (For more: www.cafegirlproductionsinc.com)

Coming alongside you, I invite you to embrace the freedom and healing power found within sharing, being truly heard, and finding the pain of the darkness dissipating, fading away.

You held me down, but I got up (hey) 
Already brushing off the dust 
You hear my voice, you hear that sound 
Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

Katy Perry - Roar(Lyrics) | P!nk...

 

What About Mental Illness? #erasestigma

As I have mentioned previous, I am a human with not one, but two mental health conditions.  My specific diagnoses are Bipolar Disorder Type 1 and Complex-Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder.  In addition, I have Celiac Disease, known since 2011, and have now been given the diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome.  I was first given the diagnosis of Bipolar in 2007, after years of struggling with a variety of mental health and physical health related issues, yet not cared for or acknowledged.  The years spent as undiagnosed were one of tumultuous, lonely pain.  In truth, in high school, I had been given the labels "Attention Deficit Disorder" and "Depression" of which I was told to 'take my medicines' and all will be good, nothing more was done or talked about in the regard of my mental health...until it could no longer be ignored.  

Julia Michaels - ANXIETY (Lyrics) ft. Selena Gomez

In the first shaky years of my diagnoses, I struggled with accepting myself as a human with a major mental health condition, figuring out my identity as a human as well as manage to figure out the career and life path of others that many do in their late twenties.  Because of my inability to cope and function, I felt a failure, both professionally and personally, adding to the already debilitating depression, anxiety, and trauma.  With the support and unending love of some dear, dear friends as well as my own inner guidance and strength, I slowly began peeling away the layers of traumatic pain and making my way through life.  Through many stops and starts, falling down, climbing back up, then a disastrous abusive husband, reclaiming myself after leaving an abusive church, bad friend break-ups, I discovered my strength and daily celebrate the victory that is my life.  

What I have learned along the way is that mental health is intrinsically tied to physical, as well as other aspects of human-ness.  I live my life as a fierce advocate for raising awareness, support, and the erasure of stigma of mental health related issues and those that struggle with such.  

bipolar girl live

Although there have been many advances in awareness and acceptance of mental health (Thank you, Pete Davidson), I still notice certain tactics in society surrounding health that I find troubling.

First, as its been more acceptable to be open about your mental health and need for self care, I feel that many use such as a 'get out of jail free card', put it more specifically, 'get out of work/life free card', because they are struggling with mental health related issues, such as anxiety or depression.  Yet, beyond the need to step back from a project, sometimes last minute leaving others scrambling and with no apology ever given, these persons hardly ever if at all seek professional mental health treatment or guidance to help overcome their anxiety and depression issues, appearing such as a 'crutch' or even a 'weapon'.  As such, I feel this tactic detracts the forward movement of erasing stigma and acceptance, painting those with mental health issues in a negative light once again.

Another tactic, however, is to disregard any option that a mental health condition is apparent in one's health concerns.  Recently, I received a correspondence from a friend explaining their recent health struggles, then after explaining how their doctor could not understand the physical cause, went on to express how this physical dis-ease was the causation for any mental health related symptoms.  My thought and reaction therein was, why could there not be both physical and mental health condition coinciding?  

As one who has a major mental illness, dual diagnoses, I can attest that both the ramifications from my physical intestinal health issues as well as other physical stresses, such as lack of sleep or food, has and still does cause an effect on my mental health.  Also, my mental health issues have, in the past, affected my physical health, specifically around the areas of eating healthily or at all.  (I have recovered from Anorexia Nervosa in the past.) 

With all that, I ask, what is so scarily wrong and hard to admit in 2023 that one might have a mental health condition, not just that of anxiety or depression, but one that may be considered a "major mental illness"?  

Demi Lovato Warrior Lyrics

National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24 hours): 18002738255

Text Home to: 741741

If you are struggling with your mental health, you and your life matter.

                               Contact NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) at:  nami.org

Ally #support #liftup #standfor

 

Taylor Swift - You Need To Calm Down (Lyrics)

You are somebody that we don't know
But you're comin' at my friends like a missile
Why are you mad when you could be GLAAD? (You could be GLAAD)
Sunshine on the street at the parade
But you would rather be in the dark ages
Makin' that sign must've taken all night

I am an ally, it means more than you think.

I am a person that stands up for and with my beloved LGBTQAI friends, of which I align myself with the "A" portion, as a matter of truth.  I honor all gender identities and allow others to live their truth authentically and freely.  Furthermore, I will continue to offer assistance in anyway so that they may continue in this freedom. 

I stand against racism and bigotry of any form.  I am completely against hatred and the infliction of violence on another based on the difference of ethnic background and color of the skin. 

As a person with a dual mental illness diagnosis and physical health issues, I act as an ongoing volunteer advocate for those unable to speak up or be heard for whatever reason or cause.  I believe that our illnesses are not disempowering but are vessels to guide us towards our utmost capability to thrive.  Mental illness, therefore, is an illness like no other and I will continue to fight to erase all stigma.

But, wait there's more!  

As a former Christian fundamentalist with less years in than out, I stand in the gap for those coming out of such life-style, am a proud Ex-Fundie Safety Zone, and hold space during the emotionally fraught process of deconstruction.  

As a survivor of domestic abuse and intimate partner violence from a myriad of sources, I align myself with other survivors whether within my circle of friends or without for the express purpose that together we may help each other heal, overcome, reign victorious, and truly thrive.

Katy Perry - Roar (Lyrics)

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (Hey)

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, your hear that sound

Like thunder, gonna shake the ground

You held me down, but I got up (Hey)

Get ready cause I had enough

Proceeds from the sales of this merchandise will benefit The Trevor Project & NAMI-Southern Oregon.

https://www.bonfire.com/jesus-lt3-queer/

https://www.bonfire.com/recovery-sexy/

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/

https://namisouthernoregon.org/

Happiest Time? CW: depression, seasonal affective disorder, self harm, suicidal ideation

#LetsTalkAboutIt: How to Cope with Seasonal Depression

 

Walking through the mall, holiday music piped through, busy shoppers rushing by, all ages enjoying the seasonal festivities with enthusiasm, yet you find yourself drained and as if carrying a huge weight upon your entire frame.  

Have you experienced this?  If you have, fear not.  You are not alone.  The above is only one scenario among a myriad wherein the effects of seasonal depression or a heightening of a clinical mental health condition is a struggle.  

The American Psychological Association found in their studies that 38% of Americans suffer with increased stress levels during the December holidays.  The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) stated that 64% of those with mental health conditions shared the effects of depression worsened during these holidays.  There are many root causes as to why one suffers more with depression during the december holidays, from the stressors of social interactions, financial strain, societal expectations, feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities, memories of past trauma during holiday gatherings, as well the lack of light in the shorter days can affect the body's natural rhythms and nuerochemical balance affecting your perspective.   The heavy weight of depression can lead to self destructive thoughts and behaviors, such as changes in sleep pattern,  increasing or decreasing,  changes in diet (increasing or decreasing), over-indulging in activities such as addictive substances, such as alcohol, drugs, or even sugar, as a means of coping.  Lastly, this darkness of mood can lead to more peril with self-harm and suicidal ideation.  

Relief can be found in the reality that we are not alone in our sufferings of low mood disorder during the holiday season.  And, when one is in this heightened emotional state, it is difficult to feel anything but alone and lonely.  But, as reported 38% suffer with lowness of mood during the season and those with mental health diagnoses who admit their symptoms worsen during the holidays reaches 64% of the population. 

Secondly, relief arrives not just in knowing you aren't alone but also in admitting that you are suffering for that is the first step towards doing what is needed to combat the low mood disorder.  The methods of self care include maintaining you regular sleep schedule, exercise, limiting mood enhancing beverages and substances, eating healthy, and surrounding yourself with other positive influences.  These techniques are even more important during the blues of the Holidays and should be even more enhanced and adhered.  It can be tempting during the festivities to change or skip something in the realm of self care, but one detraction that can cause dysregulation in one's moods heightening the depression.

Finally, if you find yourself struggling with depression, I am including information for reaching out to those who can help.  Please don't hesitate to do so, you are not alone and people do care.

National Alliance on Mental Illness

Crisis hotlines and resources

Crisis Text Line

Articles used in this entry:

Dealing with depression during the holidays

Stress management

Holiday Depression & Stress

How to Cope With Holiday Stress and Depression

Christmas Blues: Why the “most wonderful” time of the year is sometimes the saddest

Winter, the holidays and depression

5 Ways to Cope With Depression During the Holiday Season

Johnny Depp/Amber Heard, Part Two: My Thoughts CW: mental illness, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder

 

Beauty queen of only eighteen, she had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her, she always belonged to someone else

For starters, I am "Team Johnny" but I am not anti Team Amber Heard, as if the issues of domestic abuse, destructive relationships, and mental illness should be relegated to that of 'teams'.  As a victim of domestic violence as well as a friend of male victims, I felt strongly for support of Johnny Depp, still do, and am very grateful that the truth has won out at last.  (Please see the Part One of this series: https://artistthriving.blogspot.com/2022/06/johnny-deppamber-heard-part-one-my.html). To my discredit, in full honesty, I was one that jumped on the bandwagon of "Amber Heard is a narcissist", even while understanding somewhat the vast differences between calling someone a 'narcissist' and the diagnosis of 'narcissist personality disorder'.  I did not know that those who I was allying myself in this regard and able to attend the trials were booing and hissing at Ms. Heard as she entered and exited the courtroom.  As a victim of intimate personal violence, I have learned that the best way to have victory over an abuser is to move forward into a successful, thriving life and not to attack in kind.  (See: Success is the best revenge!)  This includes not engaging in like abusive fashion towards the abuser, for that is allowing that person to become as a victim and feel a sense of victory.  

Then, the legal team of Johnny Depp (please notice the clarification difference in teams) brought forth a psychiatrist who had examined Amber Heard and found the dual diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder.  Thus, my thoughts on Amber's abusive actions and reasoning behind shifted a bit.  I have made clearly known that I am a person living with Bipolar Disorder and CPTSD.  In the early years of my recovery, I hungrily read through several books on mental illness of many a variety and studied books on psychology.  I even picked up and read through the recent edition of the DSM (See: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders).  At one point in my journey, I was misdiagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in conjunction with Bipolar Disorder which started my journey on devouring all things personality disorders.  It is important to note here the similarities and overlap between these two diagnoses as well as others in the DSM.  All too frequently, those diagnosed with one disorder also have a comorbidity with another.  (I also want to add that it was later reported that I did not have BPD, but in fact have CPTSD and Bipolar which often can resemble BPD and will share this discovery in a later entry.)

Comorbidity refers to having more than one chronic illness at once. Of all the people who experience mental disorders in the U.S. (roughly one in five), 45% of them meet the criteria for two or more disorders. That's almost one in ten people who may be dealing with simultaneous mental illnesses

Thus, from my studies, I want to express the differences between that of someone struggling with borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder (or both simultanously), and that of the other cluster B diagnoses.  First, I must state that I am not a certified psychiatrist, psychologist, therapist or mental health practitioner, only one with a hunger to understand as an empathic advocate as another with a mental health condition.  Thus, the essential difference between that of APD/NPD and BPD/HPD, from my research, is that of level of conscience, the former being a lack thereof (especially with Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) and the latter having an understanding of right and wrong.

 

The fact of conscience as well as the symptoms of both Borderline Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder changes the reasoning behind Amber Heard's actions in her relationship with Johnny Depp as well as that reported in other relationships.  If these diagnoses be correct (and often times in one's recovery there can be many a misdiagnosis), then Amber Heard does feel a semblance of guilt and remorse over her actions.  From my research in the past and during the writing of this, a person with BPD has a maladaptive way of thinking that they believe to be correct based on the emotional upheaval and trauma throughout their lives.

Borderline personality disorder is a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes self-image issues, difficulty managing emotions and behavior, and a pattern of unstable relationships.

It is true that I have spent less time with Histrionic Personality Disorder but I have done some bit of research for this article as well as in the past.  From those studies, I have found that the need to be the center of attention with one who struggles with HPD is based on a need for validation and escape from a feeling of emptiness.

A histrionic personality disorder, or commonly known as a dramatic personality disorder, is a psychiatric disorder distinguished by a pattern of exaggerated emotionality and attention-seeking behaviors. A histrionic personality disorder is categorized within the "Cluster B" of personality disorders.

Thus, Amber Heard's instability in her interpersonal relationships, if these diagnoses be accurate, is based on past trauma undealt with that has formed her frame of thinking increasing her need to find security, validation, and escape from the inner turmoil and pain within.  This does not mean she is not guilty of defamation and needs to be held accountable for her actions.  In the contrary, I believe she does and that this may be the reckoning that brings about a realization of her need for healing.  From this, then, it is another important reason why lashing out at her in kind is not helpful for the situation without or within.  In addition, I feel strong consideration and care should be taken for the safety of her daughter until which time that Amber Heard takes her treatment and recovery seriously.  I do not believe that the child should be taken from her entirely, but rather believe wholeheartedly in the ability for a person with BPD and HPD to live a healthy and fulfilling life.  It takes time and a lot of work to unravel the thought processes and the trauma damages that brought about the reactions of her actions, but through the efforts of recovery one can live a meaningful life.  And, if these diagnoses of Amber are correct, she, too can have this life, it may not be what she hoped for as a Hollywood actress, but her life can be joyful and peaceful if she commits to her recovery and mental health journey.

Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay a while
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

She Will Be Loved

If you or someone you love is suffering with symptoms of mental illness, please contact: www.nami.org

Get Out Of Jail Free Card?

 

In many of my entries, I have referred to this notion of the 'Get Out Of Jail Free" card when it comes to one's mental health and their operation in society.  It occurred to me that perhaps my usage of this phrase is confusing or my meaning not fully grasped.  Therefore, I decided to take the time to arrange my thoughts in a fashion that would help clarify as well as edify.

Throughout the time that I have been birthing my business, Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, I have had the opportunity to work with a plethora of creative types, actors and crew, through a variety of media projects.  In this assortment of human, I have come face to face with a reckoning of how different people handle or even mishandle their mental health problems.  A very few are aware of their troubles and actively work on themselves, behaving in a fashion that is both authentic and ethical.  Others have not chosen to seek out adequate help and thus their dysfunctions rise up negatively effecting their wellbeing as well as interactions with those closest to them, personally and professionally.  In this instance of my both personal and professional life, it becomes both and I have had to make the difficult decision to step back from those that have yet to prioritize seeking therapeutic help for their dysfunctions but instead to live as if the issue is not their own, but the fault of the external.  

How this shows up in the realm of a project, either mine own or in a theatre world, is that a person signs up for the project with much enthusiasm.  Yet, not caring for themselves regularly, their troubles build up and overtake, on a day when their presence is necessary for the play or on set, and being unable to regulate their emotional state, having not done adequate care along the way, their reaction is to run away, causing havoc in their wake as those they are abandoning scramble to cover their unnecessary absence.  Although this momentarily may alleviate their un-ease, however, it does not heal their dis-ease, as it causes a rift to build between them and those they have neglected, as a lack of trust begins to form.  They have two choices, then, to admit they were at fault and seek care for their mental health issues or blame those they are working with for the cause, and I have found it is usually the latter rather than the former.  Or even, the former is used as a means to manipulate further for sympathy and to perhaps win the wronged back over.

In the end, the relationship is torn, trust shall need to be rebuilt, and even more so, this person does not heal and evolve past their emotional and mental dysfunction, but remains stagnant, the pain increasing with every 'get out of jail free' card used to not attend to the issue but instead to flee.  Thus, the mental health is not healed, the soul does not find true peace, and the issue remains.

Furthermore, this 'get out of jail free' card mentality darkens the already dark stigma of mental illness as it is now freeily tossed around in mis-use and detracts from those who truly suffer, who cannot truly cope with the mainstream, who truly need and are seeking the help.  

So, this then, is what is meant when I refer to the 'get out of jail free' card.  I do not mean to negate anyone's struggles with mental health but do insist that adequate treatment be sought after and given for those in need and I believe all could use some love to the realm of the mental and emotional.  But to use it as a manipulative ploy is not the answer, it will not help the afflicted in the long run nor will it help to maintain healthy relations that will influence one to seek professional help and achieve true and lasting peace, freedom from the pain and dysfunction. 

If you or someone you love suffer with a mental health condition, please know that support and assistance is available.  Please contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): https://www.nami.org/Home

Mental Illness Ain't No Excuse!

"I'm sorry, my anxiety is too much for me, I can't make it!"

"But, I need this for my mental health, so I can't make it."

Its been twelve years since I received my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder Type 1, ten years since I found the magnet with the phrase, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail", and said to myself, I'd get better.  And, thus the journey began.

Throughout this journey, its been an adventure full of many highs and many lows.  I have learned how to face and fight against the stigma that comes from misunderstanding mental illness and wanting to keep it in the dark.  I have faced the the judgment of being an openly mentally ill individual, one who is increasingly living well as a person with bipolar disorder.  

I have learned to make healthy choices and set appropriate boundaries to maintain balance, stability, and positive health goals.  I have studied in many different ways and aspects to constantly improve and navigate what it means to be healthy, from therapy of all forms, learning about proper nutrition and exercise, actively promoting sufficient sleep patterns for myself, managing my time to ensure I have proper self-care, and reading ample amount of books on a variety of self-help focus, from spiritual to psychological, it runs the gamut.  

It hasn't always been easy.  I've gone for years where I felt lost, I've allowed toxic people and groups to over-run, control, and silence me.  I've had to experience my voice drowning out in the despair of abuse.  And, then despite these difficulties and the mood instability, I've broken free and grown better.  

I have learned, specifically in this last year, that I have developed, for a myriad of reasons, the ability to doubt and reject the love given to me.  Yes, I am a person that loves freely and gives it abundantly, but I have grown used to in years previous having my love taken for granted, smashed brutally on the rocky terrain of abuse, leaving my soul shattered in a wasteland of tragic depression.

But, I rise.  I get up through some force not fully known to me.  I keep on the focus, knowing I'm meant for more.  I continually study and analyze myself, learning to value and strengthen my self worth and ability to receive love.  

I do all this while not only pursuing my artistic ambitions, or rather, my true calling in life, but also by maintaining the various survival occupations I do in order to live, pay my bills, while waiting the next acting related opportunity or audition.  Do I complain? I try my hardest not to.  In contrary, I have learned to balance my life so as not to spread myself too thin and to communicate openly my needs in an honest, straightforward, non-manipulative fashion.

This has been my life for the last twelve years and will continue to be.  I will grow more and more comfortable and able to thrive, not merely survive, I know this.  Why am I saying this, writing this for all to read? Not to garner sympathy or to endeavor to create a victim mentality for myself, I assure you.  But, because as an actor and now a producer, I have witnessed many, mostly, younger actors expressing the excuse to not come to rehearsal or a film shoot because of their anxiety, they need to take the day off.

Now, I am not meaning to seem like I have a lack of compassion or understanding, because believe me I know all too well the effects of anxiety.  I do know how it feels to work tirelessly at a low paying job while trying to live a happy life, barely scraping by feeling like you are falling more and more into the perilous poverty line, sacrificing your dreams merely to exist.  I know the stress caused by having to go without.  I get it, I do. 

However...

Recall 2007? A very infamous pop star known as Britney Spears had a very public break-down and the word "Bipolar" was carelessly tossed around to describe her.  Whether she has that diagnosis has never publicly been proclaimed but it would appear to be appropriate, however, I will not label her as such.   Only to say that at the time of her emotional struggles, I was in the throes of my intense period of emotional struggle.  It felt as if there was no end in sight.  Despite not ever really being a fan of Britney, I hungrily devoured any information I could find about her at that time.  I felt a kinship with her like never before.  

What was the public reaction to Britney's break at the time?  Was it to come around her and empower her to make the choice to recover and heal? No.  It was mockery, shame, tabloid photos of her in all sorts of unflattering position, resulting in more of her unstable moments.  I feel for her now, I've been there.  Here was a woman, who from a very early age, had been subject to the stress of overwork and constant public exposure, having to maintain the right image while most likely hiding the increasing debilitation of her emotional struggles, until the heartbreak of the loss of her husband caused her the break that made her spiral out of control, until rock bottom occurred.

At the same token, I was finding my way into an organization called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and meeting with friends who like me had mental health conditions, as it were.  At that time, one of the topics we would discuss in our support groups was the stigma surrounding our illnesses in society.  "Mental Illness is an Illness like none other," we'd quote, in our diligence to fight against this debilitating reality.  But, constantly we'd express how when applying for a job, we could never explain long stretches of unemployment, having to give some excuse as "just couldn't find a job" and never "I took some time off to heal from a mental health break".  We could never call in to work because of "anxiety" without the recourse of losing our job or facing the judgment of boss and co-workers alike.  We'd have to happily take very part-time jobs, 2 or 3 hours a day, without explaining why so we could focus the rest of the time on our mental health and self care.  We could only express and be open about our mental health conditions with others who struggled and lived as such.

Knowing this, what are my friends and even Ms. Spears doing in our day to day lives.  Are we using our mental illness as an excuse and a crutch to not fulfill our responsibilities? No, we are merely living our lives day to day, with a quiet determination to pursue our best lives and create our most healthy selves.  We are not bragging or emphasizing our mental health discrepancies, we are simply living well with them.  They are not our identity, merely a part of us. 

Now, I know that some of this is still true today and that, despite advances in acceptance of mental illness, stigma still lives and we still have a fight ahead of us.  Yet, I am very elated by the advancements in the movements to overcome the injustices and biases, such as the Black Lives Movement, #metoo movement, and the semi-colon movement.  All of these have given individuals the ability to openly express themselves, their struggles and insecurities.

In this, I fear that the backlash has been an overuse of the buzz words as an excuse to get out of jail free card.  And, I want to express to these individuals the pathway that got us here and even more-so the detriment that applies when this reasoning is given.  For starters, by using this excuse and not honoring your own needs before committing to a project, you continually perpetuate your own suffering, for if you are always succeeding at the "getting out of jail free card" without any recourse, you won't be able to truly overcome.  Secondly, the stress that is caused when you don't show up for rehearsal, work, or what may be, on the rest of those involved causes a strain on their mental health.  This, then, returns back to you causing your anxiety to increase.  

Please understand now that I truly do empathize and also does society.  But, from what I have learned, the best lesson in life is experience.  Before committing fully to a project, look over your life, your needs and what you can do, examine these times of the past when you have over-committed and had to back out, recall how it made you feel and made others feel, and do the right thing, if you need to, and openly back out.  I promise you that in the long run more respect will be given to you and relationships will remain fully intact.  Not only that, but through this process of self-examination, you will develop a healthier life-style, one of which will enable you to overcome your difficulties and continue to help the fight to reduce the effects of stigma.

The saying goes, honesty is the best policy and its true, in life and in our mental health.  By doing so, we can come together to achieve a better world for ourselves and for future generations.  

The Way I am

Don't Recover In Isolation

This past year I have had an abundant chance to sit back and ponder myself, to once again dig deep into the depths of my psyche, and uproot some toxic elements in my life internally and then externally.

Over the course of this last week, I have been down for the count with what I thought was the end all be all of flus, but rather turned out to be a really bad head and chest cold.  But, why judge and label a physical illness? I was sick, I took to my bed, and slept day in and day out. I stepped back from the outside world to fall deep into the covers and allow my body to shake, shake, shake in the fits of fever until the germs infecting my body were eliminated.  And, eliminate they did, through my sweat glances, my nasal passages, even going to the bathroom and expelling #2.  (I gifted you just then with a lovely image for your day to ruminate on, don't say I never gave you anything, okay?)

So, I texted my various clients I work for, mostly dog walking, with the words, "I have the flu, I'm dying", minus the latter, and they waived me off with "Get better, see you next week".  It was that simple.

But, for some reason, a person stepping back from the world to dig deep into the inner sanctum of their mind, to find healing and refreshment for the soul, is looked down upon as weak.  We victimize the mental illness component because it is invisible and thus scary.  This reinforces that delightful little social construct called "stigma".  Stigma, the word, that forces us all back into the darkness, to hide, and even worse, to buck up and keep moving forward.  But, we can't do that.  Because one way or another that pain will find itself outwards and we will need to retreat, rest, recuperate.

And, we should NOT feel less of a person because of this.  Or be MADE to feel less of a person or devalued because of this.  Know yourself enough to value yourself, do what's right for yourself, because when you do, you truly do what is right for the world.

So, this year I have had the chance to retreat while doing my daily activities that bring in the dough or some how cultivate my livelihood. I have not run the rat race or been the busybody of times past or allowed myself to dive too deep into the madness of the social life.  In that, I have found a sense of peace in the midst of life's storms and in that peace a steady calm emerges that leads me to accomplish what I need and want to achieve.  That's right.  Its truly a 'slow and steady' wins the race.  Taking the time each day, each moment, of the year to focus both in small ways and large ways on your own mental and emotional health brings a degree of calm that helps to elongate the productivity of the physical.  Moreover, there is an inward joy that is present regardless of the outward accomplishments and circumstances.  Meanwhile, if I don't get it all done, I still am content with what I did finish for the day and am inwardly motivated to continue thus forward.

I honestly feel that if we want to make the world a better place, the first place to start is not without in angry violent attempts to enforce the values we see as right, but by inwardly cleansing to the very center of our soul.  This is truly not a popular choice to make and one that takes a bit of time and sacrifice.  For my part, I have taken the time to be by myself. I have read up to twenty books this year, truly read, not for the number count but to digest and let the words cleanse.  These books contain three genre at a time, that's right, I'm a book nerd, what of it? The genres include a variety of spiritual (whatever I am led to), a business-related book which can be either some form of acting related theme or something to do with my business, marketing, producing, and a fun book.  In addition to this, I have tried my darnedest to journal daily, I've taken up yoga, and am slowly attempting to teach my guitar.  Lastly, I have adapted my eating habits to the ketogenic diet and not just as a fad.  I have read up to three books on this lifestyle choice and am working through a fourth.  I have started another blog to reflect these findings and this journey.  Check it out: http://my-keto-me.com (Become a follower, you know you want too!)

In all of this, I have learned that the most important take-away in whatever variety of health-seeking activities is the component of removing the toxic element.  Through the discovery of some toxic relationships and connections this year, I have discovered that not only can I stand up for myself, say no with graceful empowerment, but I can survive the anguish of grieving the loss of friendship and the abuse thrown at me.  I can persevere and continue forward with my goals and ambitions for my life.  Does this removal process get easier? In a sense, yes.  I have learned that when the toxicity of individuals is cast my way, it generally has little to do with me.  And, so like the school yard chant, the 'words do not stick to me', I'm rubber, they're glue, so to speak.

There is grieving and healing needed, a time of inward reflection to find the grace to continue and grow in further awareness of self.  But, I have learned and continue to learn that I cannot allow myself to be held back by the abuses of others' insults, jealousies, methods of control.  I spent too much of my past being tied down and silenced by that.  More so, it is the realization that I am on the right path when the arrows fly towards me in envious attempts to wound me.

Comes The Dawn

So, I persevere both my ambitions and my mental health needs.  And, an amazing discovery happens.  When I make the active choice to rid myself of toxicity, the positive rushes in with abundance, both for my personal health and in my relationships.  More and more when I move away from the toxic interpersonal element in whatever variety it presents itself, I find myself inwardly growing stronger, more present and aware of myself, and am thus surrounded by the light of positive love around me.

Thus we come to the title of this blog, "Don't Recover In Isolation" for which I am much thankful.  Yes, there is a component to recovery that can only be found with self but in that time of self-care there is to be found like-minded individuals who can facilitate the growth.  This is why AA groups and such are beneficial.  I have come into contact with a variety of different such groups in my recovery walk and in this year specifically.  I was reunited with my NAMI family, but this time new faces same organization and I am utterly grateful for their presence.  Within these relationships, I find the joy of truly being honest with myself, my weaknesses, and my needs which brings freedom and joy.  Over the last few years and even more this year, I have come into close contact with a social media collection of souls through our mutual love of the podcast, "Drunk Ex-Pastors" and through such interaction I have found further healing from the past church abuse.  To be honest, I do not think that I would have as much peace with that whole business if it were not for that group.  And, by having the strength to eliminate the toxic element in my own business and personal life, I have found like-minded friends, both new and old, that have come alongside to help me achieve my ambitions, goals, and wildest dreams.

Pretty nifty, huh? So then, invest in the time for your own mental health as you would your physical, and moreover, don't recover in isolation.

Begin/End

As I look back over my life, I'm amazed that my life has been a constant stream of beginnings and endings, death of the old and the dawn of the new life, as it were.  From entering preschool to the day I graduated high school or college, to the day I walked into Calvary Chapel, to the time I walked out of Calvary Chapel, my wedding day and that fateful day I received my final divorce papers, and on and on it goes.

A particular crushing beginning and ending is the moment I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.   Looking back at myself during that time,  it felt more like the end of it all rather than any sort of beginning.  The end of my career, the end of so many friendships, the end of my sense of self, and almost the end of my life; however today I realize it was, in fact, the dawn of a new sense of self.

A nearby Jewish temple has a "tree of life" stained glass window at the front of their sanctuary.  During the times that I have gone to this temple, for whatever reason, I always find myself transfixed by this image.  The Tree of Life is a design similar to a DNA strand, the bottom part being the beginning and the top part the final resolution.  It's the middle part that really fascinates me.  The middle part being the times of our lives when we struggle to persevere, work our way through hard times, and once we find our way out, find that by working through all of it, our new lives, our real selves, emerge.

The Climb

Today there is a new trend called the "semicolon" movement.  This thrills me completely.  The thought that this ; can signify a person's need to take a break for their mental health is a victory in my eyes.  For I have long sense seen myself as one who goes before, a role model as it were to future generations.  During my time of struggling with my mental illness, there was no such thing as the 'semicolon' movement.   My friends and I who were diagnosed and struggling during that time had to deal with the disapproval of family, friends, and society for having to pause from life.  In addition to dealing with debilitating depression, the rapid mood swings, the suicidal ideation, and sometimes the high highs, we had to face the societal stigma of mental illness.

So, what did we do? We fought.  We stood up and were open and honest with ourselves and the world around at us.  We did it for our own health, our own happiness, and our own futures.  We fought against the backlash of stigma.  And, in the end, we stand victorious with those struggling now showing that they too can overcome.  We stand as beacons of hope, those who have gone through it and survived, and even more so, are thriving.

So, the endings in my life are not always that.  They are also beginnings.

The Story of My Life

We are the Alphas!

Alphas Theme Song

My boyfriend, Michael, recently got me into the TV show, Alphas, which I readily complied to do, as I continue my quest to become savvy in all things pop culture.

Alphas tells the story of 5 individuals with exceptional mental powers that makes them different than the general population and shows how they came to accept, control, and maintain these powers for the good of mankind.  With them for support both career-wise and therapeutically is their psychiatrist who runs the operation, as they seek to work as crime-fighters dealing with others of their kind out in the world who don't understand who they are or how to control their powers.

Watching it, I couldn't help find the comparison to a real life mental issues as well as struggles, those individuals, like myself, with documented and all too frequently undocumented mental illnesses.  Throughout my life, and those of my closest friends, we have struggled to understand why we are they we were, trying to fit into the mainstream society with the awkward and failed attempts to control our issues which all too soon resulted in 'the breakdown'.  But this breakdown, although hard and painful, became a blessing in disguise, as we learned gratefully that we are not alone and learned to appreciate our weaknesses and develop them as strengths for the betterment of the world.

One way we do this is by support and advocacy of those less fortunate than us, those in the throes of their illnesses, struggling to be set free as we have become.

A few years back, my friends and I gathered every Thursday around noon in a beautiful garden setting under leafing trees with sunlight spilling forth to discuss our lives, our struggles, and find healing.  Along the way, life-long friendships developed with the mutual life-purpose and understanding that we are, indeed, uniquely endowed with special gifts.

In that, I profess to you that my friends and I are truly...

The Alphas!

NAMI