Use Your Words

I am committed to writing once a week but this week I had a surge of thoughts that fueled the need for my creativity in the blog-world. 

I've been thinking a lot about words and how we use them for our benefit and our detriment.  (Funny enough, I'm a writer so this is a good thing.)

Often times, I hear people say "I'll worry about that later" in a casual way referring to a certain act or duty that they can focus on later.  But when you think about it, the word that stands out to me is, well, worry.  Are you truly going to "worry" about that later? Are you planning to have a major anxiety attack when such and such occurs where you have to finish that task?

That's what I'm saying.  The meaning behind worry is that of anxiousness, fretting, despair. We use it in such a casual way without thought.  But I think words have power in our psyche and those around us.  How about changing that sentence to, "I'll focus on that later".  Try it.  I have and I have found definitely more peace of mind in my daily activities.

Which brings me to another more important usage of wordings, one that is far more prevalent to my way of being personally and closely attached to a cause I feel strongly about.  I have been open about my mental health condition, that of Bipolar 2 and the journey therein.  This year I have once again joined forces with my local NAMI chapter, (NAMI-SO), and am an IOOV (In Our Own Voice) presenter, traveling from location to location sharing about my journey through recovery and that of finding myself.

Chances are, you have read or heard me express this statement, "I have Bipolar Type 2".  This is significant in that I do not say "I am Bipolar".  One wouldn't say "I am cancer" or "I am diabetes".  An individual is not their diagnosis, mental or physical.  My identity lies in who I am and how I choose to define myself.  My mental health condition is just one facet of who I am, not the whole picture.

The other key factor I'd like to express in the usage of words is the prevalence in our society today to blatantly misuse the diagnoses of mental health conditions as adjectives.  We hear frequently, "I'm being so OCD" or "She is so bipolar", or "its very schizophrenic of me".  Its hard to express how very wrong this is to someone without a mental health diagnosis of any variety.  How insulting and belittling it can be.  But, I will try.

Once again, we do not use the words of physical illnesses in this way. And, yes, I know that physical illnesses do not generally attempt to describe characteristics as mental illnesses do, but the same rules apply as above.  For reasons due to stigma, fear, and ignorance, society has separated mental illnesses from other illnesses entirely, even to go so far as to not consider it an actual illness.

Society has come so far.  Usages of words that were casually tossed around in my youth and before, such as comments based on sexual orientation, race, have been given the red mark of approval and a person who uses those in a flippant fashion is marked as bigot.  But, the wordings around mental illness remains very much alive.  Its the last frontier in finding true equality in my mind.

Here's my challenge: when you find yourself about to use a mental health condition, such as the ones listed above or others, stop yourself and think: Can I really imagine what it is like to be a person suffering with such a disorder? Would I want to hear my diagnosis passed around with such disregard if I were a person with such condition? and more so, What if there is someone in my surroundings that has this condition or another who is afraid to come out about it and this would lessen their recovery journey even more?

Questions to ponder.  I hope this blog gives you pause to think and that you begin to, in fact, use your words.

Ain't I A Woman?

With the onslaught of the transgender movement, both in the public eye and in my personal life with many of my friends (of whom I fully support), I've been doing a lot of thinking about the nature of gender, traditional, societal, and natural.  I recently learned of a new term called "cis-gender".  Looking it up, I learned it was a term referring to one's understanding of self as pertaining to the gender they were born with, the sex they were given at birth.

In college, I had a lot of classes that touched on this, discussions about whether gender and sex are purely biological or that of roles enforced by society, or even both.  I've come to the conclusion of the latter, even with the openness of the trans-movement, mostly pertaining to who I am as a woman and a human being, where I fall into place in society and, more importantly, as a sense of understanding of myself.

I've fought long and hard with being a woman and wanting to assert myself in this world.  I've felt ashamed of my femininity in past, thinking that showing this part of me was somehow a sign of weakness.  Yet, I realized recently that this is what I am, I am 100% girl, naturally, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and yet this no way takes away from my strength and abilities.  In fact, this adds to it.

I think an attack of feminism now comes in the idea that one cannot be a feminist if one falls into the categories of femininity enforced by society, or rather what we view as societal womanly roles and actions.  Yet, I feel completely comfortable and even whole dressing up, making myself pretty and girly.  I also feel completely comfortable in sweatpants, jeans, t-shirt, no make-up.

The point is, being a girly-girl in the exterior in no way takes away from my strength and ability to fight for women's rights inwardly.  In fact, being the way I am is another way I can help to bring equality for woman everywhere, by saying, I'm pretty and sexy, yes, but I also have brains, talent, a sense of humor and I'd rather use those to assert myself than anything else.

So, the answer to the question on the title is: Yes, I am a woman.  And proud.

So, to all of my women-kind out there, whether you are cis, or trans, or tomboy, love yourself, be proud of who you are both inside and out, because its in that way we make a difference, its in that way we fight inequality, continue the quest for gender equality, and, in fact, win.  By truly knowing ourselves and having pride in who we are, we finally win!

This PSA brought to you by Lia Rose Dugal, Inc.

Being An Empath Is Not All Its Cracked Up To Be!

All my life, I had this strange ability to feel what others were feeling without them saying anything. At times, I could even know their thoughts.  However, others' thoughts were never as clear to me as their emotional state, as in their was always doubts within that realm but oddly enough never with the emotional content.  Many times in my life this got me into trouble because, knowing what I knew intuitively, I felt this urge to help others, often turning into an accidental confrontation that led to a the friend striking back in defense, denial, and with them calling me "crazy" with a time of silence to follow.  Almost always, I was misunderstood and left feeling hurt, alone, and confused.  Yet, I always knew I was somehow right, even if I had nearly always handled it wrong.

Psychics, or rather false ones, and other sudo-new age false teachers, give this kind of connection or ability a strong discredit, using it for their own gain and not for the benefit of others.  This, inevitably, leads to downplaying the gift, as mere "sympathy" or worse over sensitivity on my part, or even worse, lies from the devil.  

It wasn't until a few years back when someone mentioned the word "empath" that I finally found some hope, some understanding for the way I was made, the gift I was given.

em·path

ˈempaTH/

noun

1. (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

A light of joy went on!   I finally understand why I was the way I was and finally knew how to deal with all of it, and at last had a community, however unseen, that I could relate to and feel not so very alone.

Finally, I understood that I didn't have to "save anybody" but could trust in the power of prayers and intentions for others' wellbeing and end result of their issue.  This freed me to finally enjoy this emotional and very beautiful gift.  

I have since met people who brag about "being an empath" with an air of pride and ego, yet I find some uncertainty in this.  Being an empath, for me, has been a very long, confusing journey.  As one with this gift, it is not something that has caused pride, at times.  But, at last finding understanding of myself, I accept this role, this divine gift (for it is that) with humility and gratitude.

"When I was 11 years old, I said I wanted to be a famous actress when I grew up and I also said that I wanted to be called 'Lia'."

"Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you strove with God and with men, and prevailed."--Genesis 32:28-29

I recently watched a video on facebook of a young man transitioned from a woman speak about his transformation and noting that the girl he was would never have the life she had thought was hers to have.  It made me think of my own transformation over this past year.

When people that knew me before the change ask me why I changed my name, as if it was merely a few letters that changed and not a whole sense of self, I tell them this:

"When I was 11 years old, I said I wanted to be a famous actress when I grew up and I also said that I wanted to be called 'Lia'."

That seems to appease a few, others that have known me for years still truly can't comprehend, its those I give a pass.  Even when I explain to them that the Julia they knew was different than the Julia I felt inside, the former one more positive and the latter one more negative, still they can't truly understand and I am beginning to realize that is okay.  Because, ultimately the positive aspect they saw of me then was merely a small part of who I really am and allowing myself to fully become.  They saw that gem inside then and, in a very real sense, helped me to become who I was meant to be, even then, without my knowing it or wanting to admit it, to myself mostly.

Truly, I feel very akin to the transgender community, the idea of changing one's identity,  reinvention of self, based on who you really are on the inside, releasing yourself from the bondage of your past.  For me the girl, Julia, trapped in a world of oppression, of shoulds and should nots, the life of people-pleasing, codependencies, jealousies, competition, all that is released.

As Leah of the Bible, Jacob's first wife, gave birth to three male children with the dearest of hopes with each that at last her husband would love her before she finally surrendered to the realization that he would not and with Judah concluded that it was not man's love to endlessly seek out, and be ultimately denied, but the love of the divine, where true satisfaction and peace are found, so to, myself becoming Lia, I can rest in the knowledge in that love as well.

I need not fear the fact that I will pick up the mantle of jealousy, for example, nor do I have shame in that, as I realize I am still 'human' after all, and, in that, I find forgiveness of self for my weaknesses, in the past, present, and future.  Furthermore, in that forgiveness, I cannot allow those momentary afflictions of conscience to overpower me but can trust in the healing process, the life-long journey of recovery to truly become 'Lia'.

Truly, I am the 'Lia', or Leah, that realizes there is no need to endlessly secure the love of man, or the acceptance of people, or hope for that alone, but trust and be thankful for the blessings already given and will be given from the divine.

Ultimately, I am thankful for the love that is faithful, pure, and true always offering acceptance for who I really am, with open arms.

So, the Julia that was and that still is apart of me (and always will be) shall never have the life that she thought was hers to have, but through the sacrifice of what could have been, Lia will achieve all that is meant for her, her destiny, her dreams, of being the 'famous actress'.

"When I was 11 years old, I said I wanted to be a famous actress when I grew up and I also said that I wanted to be called 'Lia'."