As I look back over my life, I'm amazed that my life has been a constant stream of beginnings and endings, death of the old and the dawn of the new life, as it were. From entering preschool to the day I graduated high school or college, to the day I walked into Calvary Chapel, to the time I walked out of Calvary Chapel, my wedding day and that fateful day I received my final divorce papers, and on and on it goes.
A particular crushing beginning and ending is the moment I was officially diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. Looking back at myself during that time, it felt more like the end of it all rather than any sort of beginning. The end of my career, the end of so many friendships, the end of my sense of self, and almost the end of my life; however today I realize it was, in fact, the dawn of a new sense of self.
A nearby Jewish temple has a "tree of life" stained glass window at the front of their sanctuary. During the times that I have gone to this temple, for whatever reason, I always find myself transfixed by this image. The Tree of Life is a design similar to a DNA strand, the bottom part being the beginning and the top part the final resolution. It's the middle part that really fascinates me. The middle part being the times of our lives when we struggle to persevere, work our way through hard times, and once we find our way out, find that by working through all of it, our new lives, our real selves, emerge.
Today there is a new trend called the "semicolon" movement. This thrills me completely. The thought that this ; can signify a person's need to take a break for their mental health is a victory in my eyes. For I have long sense seen myself as one who goes before, a role model as it were to future generations. During my time of struggling with my mental illness, there was no such thing as the 'semicolon' movement. My friends and I who were diagnosed and struggling during that time had to deal with the disapproval of family, friends, and society for having to pause from life. In addition to dealing with debilitating depression, the rapid mood swings, the suicidal ideation, and sometimes the high highs, we had to face the societal stigma of mental illness.
So, what did we do? We fought. We stood up and were open and honest with ourselves and the world around at us. We did it for our own health, our own happiness, and our own futures. We fought against the backlash of stigma. And, in the end, we stand victorious with those struggling now showing that they too can overcome. We stand as beacons of hope, those who have gone through it and survived, and even more so, are thriving.
So, the endings in my life are not always that. They are also beginnings.
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