"I'm sorry, my anxiety is too much for me, I can't make it!"
"But, I need this for my mental health, so I can't make it."
Its been twelve years since I received my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder Type 1, ten years since I found the magnet with the phrase, "What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail", and said to myself, I'd get better. And, thus the journey began.
Throughout this journey, its been an adventure full of many highs and many lows. I have learned how to face and fight against the stigma that comes from misunderstanding mental illness and wanting to keep it in the dark. I have faced the the judgment of being an openly mentally ill individual, one who is increasingly living well as a person with bipolar disorder.
I have learned to make healthy choices and set appropriate boundaries to maintain balance, stability, and positive health goals. I have studied in many different ways and aspects to constantly improve and navigate what it means to be healthy, from therapy of all forms, learning about proper nutrition and exercise, actively promoting sufficient sleep patterns for myself, managing my time to ensure I have proper self-care, and reading ample amount of books on a variety of self-help focus, from spiritual to psychological, it runs the gamut.
It hasn't always been easy. I've gone for years where I felt lost, I've allowed toxic people and groups to over-run, control, and silence me. I've had to experience my voice drowning out in the despair of abuse. And, then despite these difficulties and the mood instability, I've broken free and grown better.
I have learned, specifically in this last year, that I have developed, for a myriad of reasons, the ability to doubt and reject the love given to me. Yes, I am a person that loves freely and gives it abundantly, but I have grown used to in years previous having my love taken for granted, smashed brutally on the rocky terrain of abuse, leaving my soul shattered in a wasteland of tragic depression.
But, I rise. I get up through some force not fully known to me. I keep on the focus, knowing I'm meant for more. I continually study and analyze myself, learning to value and strengthen my self worth and ability to receive love.
I do all this while not only pursuing my artistic ambitions, or rather, my true calling in life, but also by maintaining the various survival occupations I do in order to live, pay my bills, while waiting the next acting related opportunity or audition. Do I complain? I try my hardest not to. In contrary, I have learned to balance my life so as not to spread myself too thin and to communicate openly my needs in an honest, straightforward, non-manipulative fashion.
This has been my life for the last twelve years and will continue to be. I will grow more and more comfortable and able to thrive, not merely survive, I know this. Why am I saying this, writing this for all to read? Not to garner sympathy or to endeavor to create a victim mentality for myself, I assure you. But, because as an actor and now a producer, I have witnessed many, mostly, younger actors expressing the excuse to not come to rehearsal or a film shoot because of their anxiety, they need to take the day off.
Now, I am not meaning to seem like I have a lack of compassion or understanding, because believe me I know all too well the effects of anxiety. I do know how it feels to work tirelessly at a low paying job while trying to live a happy life, barely scraping by feeling like you are falling more and more into the perilous poverty line, sacrificing your dreams merely to exist. I know the stress caused by having to go without. I get it, I do.
However...
Recall 2007? A very infamous pop star known as Britney Spears had a very public break-down and the word "Bipolar" was carelessly tossed around to describe her. Whether she has that diagnosis has never publicly been proclaimed but it would appear to be appropriate, however, I will not label her as such. Only to say that at the time of her emotional struggles, I was in the throes of my intense period of emotional struggle. It felt as if there was no end in sight. Despite not ever really being a fan of Britney, I hungrily devoured any information I could find about her at that time. I felt a kinship with her like never before.
What was the public reaction to Britney's break at the time? Was it to come around her and empower her to make the choice to recover and heal? No. It was mockery, shame, tabloid photos of her in all sorts of unflattering position, resulting in more of her unstable moments. I feel for her now, I've been there. Here was a woman, who from a very early age, had been subject to the stress of overwork and constant public exposure, having to maintain the right image while most likely hiding the increasing debilitation of her emotional struggles, until the heartbreak of the loss of her husband caused her the break that made her spiral out of control, until rock bottom occurred.
At the same token, I was finding my way into an organization called NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) and meeting with friends who like me had mental health conditions, as it were. At that time, one of the topics we would discuss in our support groups was the stigma surrounding our illnesses in society. "Mental Illness is an Illness like none other," we'd quote, in our diligence to fight against this debilitating reality. But, constantly we'd express how when applying for a job, we could never explain long stretches of unemployment, having to give some excuse as "just couldn't find a job" and never "I took some time off to heal from a mental health break". We could never call in to work because of "anxiety" without the recourse of losing our job or facing the judgment of boss and co-workers alike. We'd have to happily take very part-time jobs, 2 or 3 hours a day, without explaining why so we could focus the rest of the time on our mental health and self care. We could only express and be open about our mental health conditions with others who struggled and lived as such.
Knowing this, what are my friends and even Ms. Spears doing in our day to day lives. Are we using our mental illness as an excuse and a crutch to not fulfill our responsibilities? No, we are merely living our lives day to day, with a quiet determination to pursue our best lives and create our most healthy selves. We are not bragging or emphasizing our mental health discrepancies, we are simply living well with them. They are not our identity, merely a part of us.
Now, I know that some of this is still true today and that, despite advances in acceptance of mental illness, stigma still lives and we still have a fight ahead of us. Yet, I am very elated by the advancements in the movements to overcome the injustices and biases, such as the Black Lives Movement, #metoo movement, and the semi-colon movement. All of these have given individuals the ability to openly express themselves, their struggles and insecurities.
In this, I fear that the backlash has been an overuse of the buzz words as an excuse to get out of jail free card. And, I want to express to these individuals the pathway that got us here and even more-so the detriment that applies when this reasoning is given. For starters, by using this excuse and not honoring your own needs before committing to a project, you continually perpetuate your own suffering, for if you are always succeeding at the "getting out of jail free card" without any recourse, you won't be able to truly overcome. Secondly, the stress that is caused when you don't show up for rehearsal, work, or what may be, on the rest of those involved causes a strain on their mental health. This, then, returns back to you causing your anxiety to increase.
Please understand now that I truly do empathize and also does society. But, from what I have learned, the best lesson in life is experience. Before committing fully to a project, look over your life, your needs and what you can do, examine these times of the past when you have over-committed and had to back out, recall how it made you feel and made others feel, and do the right thing, if you need to, and openly back out. I promise you that in the long run more respect will be given to you and relationships will remain fully intact. Not only that, but through this process of self-examination, you will develop a healthier life-style, one of which will enable you to overcome your difficulties and continue to help the fight to reduce the effects of stigma.
The saying goes, honesty is the best policy and its true, in life and in our mental health. By doing so, we can come together to achieve a better world for ourselves and for future generations.
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