This past year I have had an abundant chance to sit back and ponder myself, to once again dig deep into the depths of my psyche, and uproot some toxic elements in my life internally and then externally.
Over the course of this last week, I have been down for the count with what I thought was the end all be all of flus, but rather turned out to be a really bad head and chest cold. But, why judge and label a physical illness? I was sick, I took to my bed, and slept day in and day out. I stepped back from the outside world to fall deep into the covers and allow my body to shake, shake, shake in the fits of fever until the germs infecting my body were eliminated. And, eliminate they did, through my sweat glances, my nasal passages, even going to the bathroom and expelling #2. (I gifted you just then with a lovely image for your day to ruminate on, don't say I never gave you anything, okay?)
So, I texted my various clients I work for, mostly dog walking, with the words, "I have the flu, I'm dying", minus the latter, and they waived me off with "Get better, see you next week". It was that simple.
But, for some reason, a person stepping back from the world to dig deep into the inner sanctum of their mind, to find healing and refreshment for the soul, is looked down upon as weak. We victimize the mental illness component because it is invisible and thus scary. This reinforces that delightful little social construct called "stigma". Stigma, the word, that forces us all back into the darkness, to hide, and even worse, to buck up and keep moving forward. But, we can't do that. Because one way or another that pain will find itself outwards and we will need to retreat, rest, recuperate.
And, we should NOT feel less of a person because of this. Or be MADE to feel less of a person or devalued because of this. Know yourself enough to value yourself, do what's right for yourself, because when you do, you truly do what is right for the world.
So, this year I have had the chance to retreat while doing my daily activities that bring in the dough or some how cultivate my livelihood. I have not run the rat race or been the busybody of times past or allowed myself to dive too deep into the madness of the social life. In that, I have found a sense of peace in the midst of life's storms and in that peace a steady calm emerges that leads me to accomplish what I need and want to achieve. That's right. Its truly a 'slow and steady' wins the race. Taking the time each day, each moment, of the year to focus both in small ways and large ways on your own mental and emotional health brings a degree of calm that helps to elongate the productivity of the physical. Moreover, there is an inward joy that is present regardless of the outward accomplishments and circumstances. Meanwhile, if I don't get it all done, I still am content with what I did finish for the day and am inwardly motivated to continue thus forward.
I honestly feel that if we want to make the world a better place, the first place to start is not without in angry violent attempts to enforce the values we see as right, but by inwardly cleansing to the very center of our soul. This is truly not a popular choice to make and one that takes a bit of time and sacrifice. For my part, I have taken the time to be by myself. I have read up to twenty books this year, truly read, not for the number count but to digest and let the words cleanse. These books contain three genre at a time, that's right, I'm a book nerd, what of it? The genres include a variety of spiritual (whatever I am led to), a business-related book which can be either some form of acting related theme or something to do with my business, marketing, producing, and a fun book. In addition to this, I have tried my darnedest to journal daily, I've taken up yoga, and am slowly attempting to teach my guitar. Lastly, I have adapted my eating habits to the ketogenic diet and not just as a fad. I have read up to three books on this lifestyle choice and am working through a fourth. I have started another blog to reflect these findings and this journey. Check it out: http://my-keto-me.com (Become a follower, you know you want too!)
In all of this, I have learned that the most important take-away in whatever variety of health-seeking activities is the component of removing the toxic element. Through the discovery of some toxic relationships and connections this year, I have discovered that not only can I stand up for myself, say no with graceful empowerment, but I can survive the anguish of grieving the loss of friendship and the abuse thrown at me. I can persevere and continue forward with my goals and ambitions for my life. Does this removal process get easier? In a sense, yes. I have learned that when the toxicity of individuals is cast my way, it generally has little to do with me. And, so like the school yard chant, the 'words do not stick to me', I'm rubber, they're glue, so to speak.
There is grieving and healing needed, a time of inward reflection to find the grace to continue and grow in further awareness of self. But, I have learned and continue to learn that I cannot allow myself to be held back by the abuses of others' insults, jealousies, methods of control. I spent too much of my past being tied down and silenced by that. More so, it is the realization that I am on the right path when the arrows fly towards me in envious attempts to wound me.
So, I persevere both my ambitions and my mental health needs. And, an amazing discovery happens. When I make the active choice to rid myself of toxicity, the positive rushes in with abundance, both for my personal health and in my relationships. More and more when I move away from the toxic interpersonal element in whatever variety it presents itself, I find myself inwardly growing stronger, more present and aware of myself, and am thus surrounded by the light of positive love around me.
Thus we come to the title of this blog, "Don't Recover In Isolation" for which I am much thankful. Yes, there is a component to recovery that can only be found with self but in that time of self-care there is to be found like-minded individuals who can facilitate the growth. This is why AA groups and such are beneficial. I have come into contact with a variety of different such groups in my recovery walk and in this year specifically. I was reunited with my NAMI family, but this time new faces same organization and I am utterly grateful for their presence. Within these relationships, I find the joy of truly being honest with myself, my weaknesses, and my needs which brings freedom and joy. Over the last few years and even more this year, I have come into close contact with a social media collection of souls through our mutual love of the podcast, "Drunk Ex-Pastors" and through such interaction I have found further healing from the past church abuse. To be honest, I do not think that I would have as much peace with that whole business if it were not for that group. And, by having the strength to eliminate the toxic element in my own business and personal life, I have found like-minded friends, both new and old, that have come alongside to help me achieve my ambitions, goals, and wildest dreams.
Pretty nifty, huh? So then, invest in the time for your own mental health as you would your physical, and moreover, don't recover in isolation.
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