Journaling Through The Years Episode 7: Content Warning: Sh*t gets real! Corrected! Full length!

Journaling Through The Years Episode 9! Trippy Story Time!

 

CNAs? Lazy, Stupid? A Life Unused? I Don’t Think So!

By K. Jacqueline Pollock

The late former Florida State University Head Football Coach Bobby Bowden said “Don’t go to the grave with life unused.” There’s a country song “Holdin’ on to Something that Keeps Lettin’ Me Go” (both Jeff Carson & John Michael Montgomery did a version of that song and that’s the song’s title too). Regular readers of this column know that I am in the healthcare field full-time and work with a Community Radio Station as the Marketing & Special Events Director as well. Right now you’re wondering where are you going with this, Jacqueline? Well, I never write about my professional healthcare experiences, HIPPA and all that rot you understand, because well who wants to hear from a 16 year off and on Certified Nursing Assistant? Probably no one, but now you’re going to hear from one. Oh and a side note, I’ve been a professional driver before too. I begin being trained on tractor-trailers AND have driven Paratransit and School Bus for employment.

CNAs are treated as if we’re nothing more than glorified butt wipers, babysitters, adult daycare employees, and more. That’s not true. We have to be trained, we have to be certified, we have to learn new procedures, we have to learn new ways of doing our jobs. Professional Drivers are treated as if we’re idiots that only drive big vehicles and really don’t need to know anything or be smart at all. We have to learn drive something that’s way larger than a car, pickup, or minivan, and we have to have specific skills tests such as Pre-Trip Inspection testing, Air Brake Testing, and more.

Right about now you’re thinking, "Okay, Jacqueline, get to the point!" Here’s the point those jobs you think are for “stupid & uneducated people, who are too lazy to do anything else” are usually the backbone of their professions. CNAs are the backbone of the nursing field and professional drivers are the backbone of the transportation industry. Neither get any love, except from young children, and disdain from adults.

A lot of times when your Senior loved one moves into a Long-Term Care Facility, they’re lonely, they’re scared, they’re going through a lot of emotions including the emotions that are usually associated with mourning loss: anger, acceptance, bargaining, depression (not in complete order). Professional Drivers live a lonely existence, especially if they can’t take a pet, their spouse/partner/significant other with them every once in a while.

Today, I’m talking about Certified Nursing Assistants (also known as CNAs). CNAS are there for your loved one when no one else is; they hold their hand, they cry with them, they assist them with a lot of their activities of daily living: bathing, dressing, eating, walking, going to the bathroom, changing soiled disposable underwear. CNAs talk to them (at least I do), they try to get to know them (again at least I do). We do the dirty jobs that LPNs & RNs don’t want to do and some will say “Go ask the CNA!” or “Go tell the CNA” or my favorite “Let me get the CNA she/he yes there are male CNAs in a female dominated profession folks. Before I forget, "Hey Mike Rowe, are you listening?" 

Anyway, CNAs go through classroom & clinical training. Back in 2005 when I originally became a CNA it was a minimum requirement of 85 hours of training and California had the most required hours of training at 105. I understand today that the minimum requirement of training hours is 75 classroom and clinical AND Oregon has the most required hours of 155. A lot of the skills we learn in the classroom like taking vital signs, usually Blood Pressure, Temperature, Pulse Rate (how much your heart is beating per minute), and Respiration Rate (how many breaths you take per minute), making beds “hospital style,” and more gives you the basic training to do the job. 

However, it never teaches you how to avoid such pitfalls as: a favorite patient/resident passing away (oh you’re always told “Never get attached” sorry you’re getting attached because you learn about them, they become like family, even those who don’t have any family left), dealing with an agitated resident/patient (think about how you’re feeling when you’re hurting and not feeling well at all), and more. It doesn’t teach you how to deal with the modern generations (if you’re over a certain age you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about), it doesn’t teach you how to deal with the Director of Nursing’s/Floor Manager’s/Floor Supervisor’s pets that brown nose all the time.

CNAs are more stressed out than Nurses, Doctors, Physical Therapists, well anybody in the medical field because we’re treated like we’re idiots and second class citizens. Sorry we’re not; we’re on the front lines.  We are the NCOs of the medical field while all the Senior NCOs, Junior Officers, Mid-grade Officers, and Senior Officers are “shining a seat with their ass” dictating to us HOW we’re going to do something. When in reality they’re just spouting off, threatening you with being written up because they don’t like something you did, male CNAs fearing the female CNAs turning them in for garbage they had no idea about and female CNAs being catty, bitching, and moaning about stuff that’s none of their business and yet make it their business.

To talk about my own personal experience I do have to tell you for those who don’t personally know me I am six feet tall, obese, with a husky voice & a bad hormonal imbalance that causes me to take hormone medications. I get called he/him, sir, etc., and I’m a woman for crying out loud. Assumptions are made about me and I get treated like I’m the most worthless CNA in the world by other employees. Yet a resident of the facility I currently work in told me this: 

“(she named five other residents) and I think you’re one of the very best ones here you (and insert them two co-workers’ names this resident mentioned here). If you ever leave or get fired we’ll be extremely sorry to see you go. You take time with us, you talk to us, and you treat us like we’re grown people and respect us for our ages, you do not treat us like imbeciles, idiots, or morons.” 

 So you think that CNAs aren’t stressed, overworked, & underpaid? Think we’re glorified butt wipers and glorified babysitters? Think we don’t deserve to be treated as professionals? Think we’re nothing more than “stupid, lazy people?” Think that we’re worthless? Think again, because we’re NOT! 

Even after sixteen years I’m thinking about walking away from the field, doing something else, quit “holdin’ on to somethin’ that keeps lettin’ me go” because I want to make sure, that I, like Coach Bowden said “don’t go to the grave with a life unused.”

CNA Training Source: http://phinational.org/advocacy/nurse-aide-training-requirements-state-2016/

K. Jacqueline Pollock is a frequent guest author for The Thriving Artist.  She currently resides in Macomb, Illinois with her three kitties and works as a CNA, while volunteering at her local radio station.

What Being A Fundie Taught Me

Often in this blog, I have discussed the journey I took deconstructing from being a fundamentalist Christian and have detailed the negative effects upon me while I was one and for years afterwards.  However, it occurs to me, that I have never stopped to openly reflect on the ways that that time of my life in that worldview positively influenced me.  Moreover, this has been a common thread floating through my brain waves in the past few months.  So, today I would like to take some time to reflect and share these positive attributes I learned and acquired by being a "Fundie".

1.) Every religion that is organized or not so organized, such as a spiritual walk of any sort, has similar ways of defining their path, similar structures to follow and guidelines to achieve spiritual peace.  However, this doesn't make me want to reject all belief in any sense of divinity but rather affirms the truthfulness in this quest that all humanity finds themselve seeking and thus I continue forward, in my own way now, although different from what it was as a fundamentalist Christian but still influenced by it.

2.) During my time as a "fundie", I actually read the Bible, indepth and cover to cover over and over again.  For a book nerd such as myself, that is pretty cool indeed.

3.) The Bible is A spiritual text, among many, and thus has had and continues to have intrinsic value for myself, regardless of how it has been weaponized.  It is not its fault, it's just a book after all.  Furthermore, the Bible having value for me personally does not mean it will have such for others, nor will I try to enforce others to accept it in this fashion.

4.) The importance of a morning quiet time, or rather a time to be still and attend to one's self each day, whatever time and whether it be reading a spiritual text, a self help book, a topic I find of interest, yoga, long walks, or meditation.  This time I take each day looks different from what it was then and is overall more open than it was but the same principle from my fundaze times remains.

5.) Understanding of the true meaning of Jesus' teaching, as well as other spiritual teachers, and find value in that alone while rejecting the ways their followers have intrepreted and practiced in ways toxic and harmful.

6.) The truth that spirituality of any variety is a powerful and dynamic tool for one's recovery.

7.) Eternal gratitude for the positive memories with and the lessons learned amongst those of my former fundie friends.   The love abides even though the relationships have shifted, which has given me the understanding in the truth that there are seasons of every relationships.  My frustration with fundamentalism was intensely personal from those who were never of that particular worldview.  It was born out of a deep pain and heartbreak of loss and stimulated by overwhelming desire to save those from being saved.  However, this has changed because of the words of a very dear sister friend who assured me with thus, "Their path is theirs alone, not yours to determine."  

8.) An unique understanding of why fundies behave they way they do towards outsiders which provides me the ability to see how they think their actions are informed by what they believe to be is love, however, false they do not realize.  Yet, I see the goodness deep within and extend grace, forgiveness, and act as a compassionate bridge amongst the divisiveness.  

9.) I understand the reasons behind why people find themselves in a cult world, like form of drug-like escape that provides some comfort and security, and the pain when realizing the harm this has caused, and the hard, hard journey of deconstruction. 

Breakaway

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed (I would pray)
I could breakaway
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes 'til I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk, take a chance, make a change
And breakaway

 Check out these amazing two ladie's Youtube channels.  Jen, an atheist, has only recently rocketed to Youtube fame, but it coudn't have happen to a more sweeter, non-judgmental, empathic human.  Become a "Jenonite" at: Fundie Fridays

With grace and humility, Elly of Ex-Fundie Diaries shares her journey from the traumatic religious upbringing and shows how true healing is possible. 

Get Out Of Jail Free Card?

 

In many of my entries, I have referred to this notion of the 'Get Out Of Jail Free" card when it comes to one's mental health and their operation in society.  It occurred to me that perhaps my usage of this phrase is confusing or my meaning not fully grasped.  Therefore, I decided to take the time to arrange my thoughts in a fashion that would help clarify as well as edify.

Throughout the time that I have been birthing my business, Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, I have had the opportunity to work with a plethora of creative types, actors and crew, through a variety of media projects.  In this assortment of human, I have come face to face with a reckoning of how different people handle or even mishandle their mental health problems.  A very few are aware of their troubles and actively work on themselves, behaving in a fashion that is both authentic and ethical.  Others have not chosen to seek out adequate help and thus their dysfunctions rise up negatively effecting their wellbeing as well as interactions with those closest to them, personally and professionally.  In this instance of my both personal and professional life, it becomes both and I have had to make the difficult decision to step back from those that have yet to prioritize seeking therapeutic help for their dysfunctions but instead to live as if the issue is not their own, but the fault of the external.  

How this shows up in the realm of a project, either mine own or in a theatre world, is that a person signs up for the project with much enthusiasm.  Yet, not caring for themselves regularly, their troubles build up and overtake, on a day when their presence is necessary for the play or on set, and being unable to regulate their emotional state, having not done adequate care along the way, their reaction is to run away, causing havoc in their wake as those they are abandoning scramble to cover their unnecessary absence.  Although this momentarily may alleviate their un-ease, however, it does not heal their dis-ease, as it causes a rift to build between them and those they have neglected, as a lack of trust begins to form.  They have two choices, then, to admit they were at fault and seek care for their mental health issues or blame those they are working with for the cause, and I have found it is usually the latter rather than the former.  Or even, the former is used as a means to manipulate further for sympathy and to perhaps win the wronged back over.

In the end, the relationship is torn, trust shall need to be rebuilt, and even more so, this person does not heal and evolve past their emotional and mental dysfunction, but remains stagnant, the pain increasing with every 'get out of jail free' card used to not attend to the issue but instead to flee.  Thus, the mental health is not healed, the soul does not find true peace, and the issue remains.

Furthermore, this 'get out of jail free' card mentality darkens the already dark stigma of mental illness as it is now freeily tossed around in mis-use and detracts from those who truly suffer, who cannot truly cope with the mainstream, who truly need and are seeking the help.  

So, this then, is what is meant when I refer to the 'get out of jail free' card.  I do not mean to negate anyone's struggles with mental health but do insist that adequate treatment be sought after and given for those in need and I believe all could use some love to the realm of the mental and emotional.  But to use it as a manipulative ploy is not the answer, it will not help the afflicted in the long run nor will it help to maintain healthy relations that will influence one to seek professional help and achieve true and lasting peace, freedom from the pain and dysfunction. 

If you or someone you love suffer with a mental health condition, please know that support and assistance is available.  Please contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): https://www.nami.org/Home

Journaling Through The Years Ep 8: The B**tch is in heat!

Coffee Chat & Book Review: earthshine: To reflect is in our nature

No FU!

           

September sad and softly
Leaves are starting to fall
I recall, last time you were here
Your laughter a melody that lingers still

There's a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome ending kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you

It has become an all too frequent reality that whenever someone or the collective have a particularly hard year, as we all have been through many in the last several years, it is the thing to proclaim "FU" to the year itself.  And, as it were, this year I could proclaim thus.  

On April 23 of this year, I lost one of best friends, Catherine Hansen, due to cancer.  Also, this year I lost Charles Robinson, who played Mac Robinson on my all time favorite TV show, Night Court, on July 12th.  Then, only a few weeks later, another beloved from the aforementioned TV show, Markie Post, last her battle with cancer on August 7th, 2021.  

It was August 8th, 2021, the day that it was reported of Markie's death, that I found on my mind quickly passing to my lips, "Well FU 2021".  But I quickly stopped myself, before falling into that trap of a mindset, as I have been able to do in years recently past.

Markie, Catherine, and Charles were deeply loved by beloved family, close friends, and doting fans alike.  They were able in their lives to thrive creatively and bring much light and love to the world.  They will surely be missed and the absence is already felt.  

In the wake of this loss, do I have the right to bemoan the year as the worst yet?  Some might say I could.  However, I choose not to, but instead to learn and evolve through the pain, heart-ache, and struggle.  I can remember fondly the beautiful memories created alongside Catherine and the lessons of strength and endurance she passed onto myself and to so many.  By looking at Markie and Charles, as well as Harry Anderson's demise in 2018, I can reflect on, although I did not know that personally, their presence in my life through the TV screen was necessary for me in my early days of life, during which the traumatic experience was newly beginning and fresh.  With that, I can understand that in their deaths coinciding with my intense dive into healing from PTSD is a rebirth for their souls as it is for mine.  Their leaving this plane of existence unto whatever comes next relates to my healing and evolving forward past the pain of my childhood.  Thus, each of these beloved souls are now healers and teachers in their leaving much as they were when they stood with me in the flesh of this life.

The life we lead is built on the joys and the heart-ache, the highs and the lows.  It is not normal or healthy to want to be, always strive to be comfortable, for you never shall and so desiring that will only lead to more discomfort.  I often sarcastically quip that the nickname for my fellow citizens should be "WAB" short for "Whiny American Babies".  Yes, the whiny baby mentality may not be merely only an American thing, but despite my learned background and travels about the world I still only really know myself and my culture as a frame of reference.  

A podcaster I listen to frequently, Stephanie Powers, of the Lightworkers Lounge often says that 'Rejection is just projection in another direction'.  Taken this further, we can begin to view our struggles not as reason to whine, bemoan, nor should we stay locked in an eternal place of suffering for thus we shall never truly escape, but we can begin to realize that in the struggles and heart-ache growth will arrive, true evolution of the soul will continue forward, out of the ashes arrives beauty.

Even though my heart aches
There's a smile on my face
Just like a window to heaven
There's a light shining through

Hear more about these self discoveries of mine in my podcast, the FanGirl Hour, https://anchor.fm/fangirling/episodes/The-bearing-of-my-soul-e15l8nh

                                          

 

What Being Poly Means To Me

 I recently wrote a blog entitled  Poly Girl Living In A Mono World, of which is my official coming out as polyamorous, a lover of many.  Today I wanted to dive in a little deeper and explain further what that means to me.  First, I must confess that I still am relatively new and exploring my inbuilt natural tendency towards love and relationship, ie that of living openly a polyamorous lifestyle, I would tend to see myself somewhere in the tween years of my relationship leanings.  Thus, like everything in life, my beliefs and understandings will evolve as I grow deeper in my personal life story.

1.) Polyamory equates lots of sexual partners, sleeping around, down to party whenever with whoever.

No, not for me, perhaps for some.  I tend to lean more towards the idea of lover of many aspect as well as find myself in the range of demi and sapio sexual.  Demisexual is only feeling sexually attracted to someone when I have an emotional connection as well sapiosexual is being attracted to intelligence.  Furthermore, I do not have the time or the interest in multiple sexual affairs.  There are times I can go months, even years, without sexual encounters, yet feel very sensually and romantically fulfilled.  I do not feel any connection with asexuality, but rather I can find sensuality in a good deep conversation with a loved one, heart to heart connection with dear friends, regardless of the relationship style, working in my garden, writing, walking in nature, reading, watching a deliciously good movie, revisiting a favorite old TV show, celebrating good friends' successes with their creative projects as well as my own.  

I do not mean to negate or condemn those that may practice their relationship styles, whether it be non-monogamy, polyamory, or something else, differently than I, to each their own.  I am merely expressing myself fully in the earnestness of being authentic and open.

2.) I don't believe in commitment.

Another false statement for me as I, a steady Taurus, have a fierce loyalty to those I care for, whether friendship, chosen family, kitty cat, or significant other.  However, what I do not believe and am coming to realize more fully, is that being in a relationship with anyone does not bind them to me or I to them.  We all have our journeys and seasons per which we are meant to be in one another's lives, meaning that the relationship held today may shift to the extent that we may depart from each other for a season or even forever.  As painful as that is, I am learning I do not hold control over another and, in fact, trying to control another is in no way a form of love, but rather is abusive.  

Once again, I am a person that loves many and must have an emotional and intellectual connection with whoever I am in relationship.

3.) You are just looking for a chance to cheat and get away with it.

In my baby baby first steps of realizing I have a propensity towards polyamory, whilst in the throes of the magical infatuation stage of new relationship energy (NRE), it may have appeared as such.  But, once the magical cloud fairy love dust and the mania of my bipolar brain subsided, I returned to my stability with the mess I had created in the wake of my craziness and sought to redeem and heal the wounds I had inflicted.  Thus, I turned to the podcast, Multiamory, and ran to my local library, checking out book after book on the subject.  My favorite being, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy.  (That's a recommend right there, guys!)  What I have gleaned from this study as well as my personal journey in my recovery from relationship addictions and CPTSD, is that the best way to live amongst those we love and work is to be ethically mindful.  

So, armed with that knowledge and with an inbuilt sense of wanting to do what is right, to heal the wounds I caused on those I love, I am fully making steps towards living the life of one that is ethically mindful in my intimate romantic partnerships as well as in friendships and with colleagues.

4.) You are against monogamy. 

Not in the least.  In fact, I am coming to see and believe increasingly that love is love and is full of nuance, like everything in life.  Relationships of any sort have their phases.  As of today, my overall understanding of self is one that is more polyamorous, however, that does not mean that one day I cannot ever return to a relationship that is monogamous.  

5.) So, you, like, don't ever get jealous?

You know, that's what I was thinking before I opened myself up to the life of polyamory as being a part of me.  Yeah, how do you deal with jealousy or do you just not feel it?  The short answer, yeah, I do and others do too.  Feelings are a part of our human nature but its how we deal that is the power of our personal growth and strength.  All too often, we allow our emotions to sway our thoughts and actions without realizing that feelings are just feelings, not facts.  Feelings, then, if allowed to exist do not have to rule us.  The trick is in not judging them as good or bad, fact or fiction, but allowing ourselves to feel whatever the emotion at the time, watching as it approaches, lives, and then fades away. 

You recall, I am a woman with a mood disorder, relationship addictions/codependency, as well as CPTSD.  I'm a wash with overwhelming emotions of highs and lows, as well as traumatic pain that sways my thinking.  But, this relates to a dysfunction to be worked on throughout my recovery journey and is not based on any of my romantic preferences.  Rather, if I were purely monogamous or purely polyamorous, I would experience these regardless.  

Thus, the emotional disorders are a pathological dysfunction that I work on in order to improve my overall health throughout my recovery journey which affords a more positive experience in all of my relationship styles.  

That being said, the key here is honesty within self and with others.  Sitting down and self-examining and taking the time to connect with your partners and friends through deep discussion that helps support others process towards healing and authenticity individually as well as collectively. 

6.) You are a sinner and have strayed from the Righteous Christian Path.

Aw, hello there, my fundie friends of old.  How are you doing? Thank you for your concern for me and my wellbeing.  I need not try to prove to you that I am at peace and quite happy, in fact am more so than when I fellowshipped along side you, although those times remain very cherished within my heart, as I know that I cannot due to where you are at in your life journey's evolution.  

What I do believe at present, both about love and spirituality, is that it is not easily defined or controlled.  Looking over my life in my past relationships, I see now that by falling in love with one, then to feel the pain of heartbreak, did not wreck me entirely, leaving me in shambles, rather with every gift of love I gave and received, including the break-ups and good-byes, my heart grew larger, fuller, more able to love others that came into my path.

At this moment, that is the extent of the answers I can give to bring more clarity to the new stage of my life awareness.  This discovery is new for me but as I increasingly become more comfortable being open and honest, I feel more grounded and complete, comfortable within my own skin.  Furthermore, I do not have the desire to seek out salvation from another or external source, but find that fullness and security within, which affords me to truthfully see and love those brought into my path.

Love

Defining Bravery

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words doWhen they settle 'neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

It is a very heartwarming that the reality of mental illness within us all is now becoming more acceptable to speak upon, yet sometimes at the extent of using for one's own personal gain.  I have seen this in my life and friendships, using one's mental health as a 'get out of jail free' card when it comes to set obligations.  

Recently, Olympic athlete, Simone Biles, was lauded for her bravery of stepping back from competing due to her mental health issues. While I agree that speaking out about one's issues in a culture that until recently has stigmatized, silenced, and pushed back into darkness that of mental illness, is an act of bravery, I see her decision to return to compete and stand up holding the bronze as even more brave.  Because despite her suffering, she did not quit, she did not use the 'mental health get of jail free' card, but persevered onward.  That will be more vital to her mental health recovery as well as to that of others in the world in the erasure of stigma and encouragement of others to bravely perserevere in their recovery journeys. 

That said, recently in my local area, another individual stepped forward in a very brave way that, in my opinion, advanced the cause of the erasing stigma and raising awareness for mental health advocacy.  A young 24 year old man, Kristopher Clay, who worked as a janitor at a local high school and was already suffering with a mental health condition, took himself to the police station before committing a heinous crime.

It is the fact of our present day reality that mass-shootings are a common horror, including that at our schools, ranging from elementary through university.  Kristopher Clay was, as he put it, having 'homicidal thoughts' and had made plans and stockpiled weapons to commit this heinous crime at his place of employment.  However, it was obstructed and did not occur, why, because he stepped forward, destraught with immense fear of his own inner demons, nonetheless he bravely fought against.  

Now, I do not want to equate homicide with that of athletic competition, but the fact of the matter is, mental illness is a varied package, from mere anxiety to delusional thinking, and yet all are under the umbrella of psychological disorder.  

Therefore, before others may seek to downplay the step that Clay took and want to label him as 'crazy', which is no doubt understandable due to his thoughts and plans, I assert the positive step he took, in his own act of bravery, to halt the duranged thoughts in his mind, to seek help not just for himself but for those threatened.  

For very personal reasons, I know fully how difficult it is to fight against the darkness of  your own mind and demonic thoughts, to not give in, but strive each day for wholeness and health.  For this reason, I applaud Kristopher Clay as brave.  He will and is facing consequences of the preparation for the crime, but it will be not as drastic as what could have been had he succumbed to his weakness.  Not only that, in addition, he will be able to continue his journey toward recovery and, in that, this moment of his life will be a beacon of light shining out of the darkness that mental illness no longer shall be hidden or perceived scary and that recovery is possible.

Brave

Nothing's gonna hurt you the way that words do

When they settle 'neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Speaking Thru Prose: Journaling Through The Years Episode Six

How We Thrive: Artists Sharing Their Journeys! Episode One: Be!

Always You.

The other day I was at the recycling center here in my small town and leaning against the back gate, set apart from all the bins and containers, was this.  Ever the romantic, it spoke to my heart and gave me pause to reflect on one of my current squeezes as I continue to grow in my relationship discoveries, am I really poly? Perhaps this sign is a sign that this person is, has been, always 'the one'.  

So, after conferring with the worker at the recycling center, I picked up this sign and stuck it in my back seat and as I drove homewards, I started to think.

Truthfully speaking, do I believe in the one? I'm not speaking in terms of polyamory, but rather the notion that there is one soul mate out there made just for each of us.  From the looks of it, going over all my history of romantic connection, I feel now as if there is not.  Rather, I  believe that throughout our lives, we encounter a plethora of soul mates brought into our lives at certain  moments to help guide us to our destiny of full soul evolution.  Furthermore, these soul mates do not have to be of the amorous variety, or even any one we 'sleep' with, a platonic friendship can also be that of a soul mate in its divine purpose within our journeys.

As I pulled into my driveway, I pulled this sign out of my backseat and carried it over to this little table in front of my patio, wherein I placed it atop to rest and proclaim its message to all who should read, which for the most part, is me.  

Everytime I am working outside (which right now is plowing away at the terrain of my acreage to set up an above ground pool), I walk by and look at this sign.  The meaning has shifted from what could be its intended purpose.

Overall the world over is inundated with the Hollywood ideal of romance, whether it be in film, tv show, or song, as well as going backwards through history we can find plenty of novels detailing the love story motif.  Thus, we have developed in our understanding that "it was always you" is the promise given to another that we were waiting, this is destiny.  

But, what if the YOU isn't another, but ourselves?  For the only one we can truly have a say over our thoughts, actions, and emotions is us.  The ultimate truth to the journey of life is not to seek salvation in another, or even something external, but to seek within for the firmest of foundations.  Thus, it is each of our very own selves that is the destiny of which we were always waiting. 

Therefore, "It was always me" and as well, "It was always you."

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

The Reason Is You

Interview with actor, Jonathan Oles

Journaling Through The Years: Welcome To Depression (Content Warning!)