No FU!

           

September sad and softly
Leaves are starting to fall
I recall, last time you were here
Your laughter a melody that lingers still

There's a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome ending kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you

It has become an all too frequent reality that whenever someone or the collective have a particularly hard year, as we all have been through many in the last several years, it is the thing to proclaim "FU" to the year itself.  And, as it were, this year I could proclaim thus.  

On April 23 of this year, I lost one of best friends, Catherine Hansen, due to cancer.  Also, this year I lost Charles Robinson, who played Mac Robinson on my all time favorite TV show, Night Court, on July 12th.  Then, only a few weeks later, another beloved from the aforementioned TV show, Markie Post, last her battle with cancer on August 7th, 2021.  

It was August 8th, 2021, the day that it was reported of Markie's death, that I found on my mind quickly passing to my lips, "Well FU 2021".  But I quickly stopped myself, before falling into that trap of a mindset, as I have been able to do in years recently past.

Markie, Catherine, and Charles were deeply loved by beloved family, close friends, and doting fans alike.  They were able in their lives to thrive creatively and bring much light and love to the world.  They will surely be missed and the absence is already felt.  

In the wake of this loss, do I have the right to bemoan the year as the worst yet?  Some might say I could.  However, I choose not to, but instead to learn and evolve through the pain, heart-ache, and struggle.  I can remember fondly the beautiful memories created alongside Catherine and the lessons of strength and endurance she passed onto myself and to so many.  By looking at Markie and Charles, as well as Harry Anderson's demise in 2018, I can reflect on, although I did not know that personally, their presence in my life through the TV screen was necessary for me in my early days of life, during which the traumatic experience was newly beginning and fresh.  With that, I can understand that in their deaths coinciding with my intense dive into healing from PTSD is a rebirth for their souls as it is for mine.  Their leaving this plane of existence unto whatever comes next relates to my healing and evolving forward past the pain of my childhood.  Thus, each of these beloved souls are now healers and teachers in their leaving much as they were when they stood with me in the flesh of this life.

The life we lead is built on the joys and the heart-ache, the highs and the lows.  It is not normal or healthy to want to be, always strive to be comfortable, for you never shall and so desiring that will only lead to more discomfort.  I often sarcastically quip that the nickname for my fellow citizens should be "WAB" short for "Whiny American Babies".  Yes, the whiny baby mentality may not be merely only an American thing, but despite my learned background and travels about the world I still only really know myself and my culture as a frame of reference.  

A podcaster I listen to frequently, Stephanie Powers, of the Lightworkers Lounge often says that 'Rejection is just projection in another direction'.  Taken this further, we can begin to view our struggles not as reason to whine, bemoan, nor should we stay locked in an eternal place of suffering for thus we shall never truly escape, but we can begin to realize that in the struggles and heart-ache growth will arrive, true evolution of the soul will continue forward, out of the ashes arrives beauty.

Even though my heart aches
There's a smile on my face
Just like a window to heaven
There's a light shining through

Hear more about these self discoveries of mine in my podcast, the FanGirl Hour, https://anchor.fm/fangirling/episodes/The-bearing-of-my-soul-e15l8nh

                                          

 

In Memory #harryanderson #charlesrobinson #lukeperry #valerieharper #cat...

Remembering Catherine Hansen #memorial

Romana Honors Her Rani

The Shape Of You

There's a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go

Like a treasure that travels with me down every road

Having studied theatre in college due to my anxiety I never quite attained that dream, until I was cast in my first play in 2012, ten years after undergraduate graduation; "Working: The Musical".  It was through that amazing experience that I finally found my home, my calling assured, and, most importantly, in this entry, where I met my good friend, Catherine.  I cannot recall what our first conversation was, only that there was a time when she wasn't in my life, then there was a time when she was.  

When she met me, I was only a year into an abusive marriage and through the next few unfolding years, her steady presence, non-judgmental love, and delicious humor would brighten my life and give me the strength to 'kick the bastard to the curb'.  She was one of the first people I turned to and told that I had removed him from my life as well I was one of the first that she confided in about her first diagnosis with the big C.  

Like me, she was long-suffering in her approach to others, offering the benefit of the doubt according the nature of humanity.  She had her fair share of discomforts with certain types and shared them with me, asking for my thoughts on such with no sense of judgment and truly honoring my opinions.  She shared with me tales of her love affairs and woes, and I, in turn. 

In the times when I did not believe in my ability or my self worth, which was, in fact, the bulk of the entirety of our friendship, she never wavered in her belief in me, to achieve, heal, and thrive.  That belief and undying love moved me from strength upon strength and remains undying in this moment, although the situation of our connection has changed.  In the truest sense of love, I do not know where I would be if it weren't for Catherine.

She lost her battle with stage 4 cancer on April 23, 2021.  We all celebrated 60 years of her, relishing in her glory before us, on her birthday of February 24.  

What can I say, Catherine's loyalty and dedication was something I had come to rely on and only in the void of its absence due I realize the true import of it.  Throughout this last month, I have been pondering my time connected to Catherine, coming up with off-color jokes at her expense, finding myself wanting to apologize, then realizing, almost hearing, her deep, hearty laughter.  Because that was her, full of laughter, mirth, the warmth of love, but also tenderness, commitment, loyalty, and dedication never failing.

Never once did she complain during her years of suffering her illness, perhaps she did privately or with her family, but seemd to take all of life in stride with the gentle graceful acceptance of her good humor and wit.

In 2016, when I started into the world of film producing, she joined forces alongside me as the time lady, The Rani, a villian against my Romana and The Doctor, played by Nick Walker.  Once again, the dedication and thrill of performing was true to Catherine at every turn, in every film shoot or promotional photo call, with true humility and an authentic honesty.  She would also portray the ill-fated, Lady MacDuff, and would drive through Burger King after filming with her neck stab wound make-up in place, insisting to the employees that indeed she was "really in need of protein, look!"

Knowing Catherine off screen, the gentle-hearted, quick witted, honest, soulful woman was direct contrast to the evil, conniving Time Lady, but she did so divinely, effortlessly slipping into character when needed, then back to her joyous self.  On set, we laughed a lot, I gave her the freedom to adapt the script to help fulfill her character to the fullest.  She had more than her fair share of one-liners that are still deliciously quoted until this day, the best being, "We ain't got no God Damn live stock, Russ", from which was written, "We don't have any livestock, Russ!"  She put her original twist upon it giving it more life.  

A joke around set was that the spin-off sitcom series was that my character, Romana, and Susan (played by Q Gabumpa) would be the friends living in a New York apartment and The Rani would be the nosy next door neighbor that we loved to hate but never hated to love.  The three male time lords, The Doctor, The Master (played by Roy Rains), and The Lackey (of our creation, played by Russell Mitchell) would be the guys we put up with for good sport. 

I do not know the origin of the choosing of the title, The Rani, perhaps the original played Rani (Kate O'Mara) and the writer that created her story know such, but I do know the meaning of the Rani, "Queen".  To describe The Rani, driven and determined to have power and glory, defines that of a type of royalty, however, I believe Catherine held similar traits, although more altruistic.  She was driven and determined, but in the sense of fierce loyalty and dedication to those she loved and that which she loved most to do.  Once more, she was tender, creative, giving of herself, easy to be with, a good listener and advice giver, the true embodiment of positive royalty.  Like Lady Macduff who was more deserving of queendom than Lady Macbeth, Catherine was and is deserving of loving praises. 

Thus, forever after, Catherine will remain the Queen of Cafe-Girl Productions.

Reel of Catherine

Behind your eyes Are endless blue skies You travel places i want to come, too Each breath that you breathe Is a brush stroke that leads me to you So sleep Fall into nights indigo hue Believe me, its true There's nothing that I would not do For my dream is sweet dreams for you It seems far away But there once was a day It was grey in a world without you To this heart like a dove from above The miracle of your love found me

Sweet Dreams

 

Announcement: Catherine Hansen Video Production

 

Catherine Hansen Video Production 

Catherine Hansen was an actress, singer, writer, and most importantly, a good friend.  In 2021, she lost her long hard fought battle with cancer.  Among many facets of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc, Catherine spear-headed the mock movie trailer genre with her Dreamcast at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WCM1EZgh9X0&list=PLGOU8yQsa5RFs01_4JHsBQ-BpB97YoLod&index=4&t=14s

As Catherine was a faithful friend and ally, this facet of Cafe-Girl Productions, Inc is forever forward named in her honor.  In this, the Catherine Hansen Video Production teams up with local artists to promote their artistic vision, product, or business.  For example, featured in this playlist is Catherine Hansen's Dreamcast starring Ella Rose Shaeffer and Ruth Wire's The Nightbirds Sing starring Brittany Bosworth. Cost is $100 day per production, including all pre-planning, production, and post-production.  Most importantly, 50% of the profits will go towards Breastcancer.org, to help fund research for the cure.  For more information, go to: https://www.breastcancer.org

Contact cafegirlproductions@gmail.com if interested in creating a video for your business. 

In Search of "Dream Cast"

Climb Ev'ry Mountain

"Dreamcast" (written by my good friend, Catherine Hansen) read like a novel version of the film, "Waiting For Guffman".  Yet, I find the characters in this novel to be more highly developed than that of the aforementioned film.  Could that be, perhaps, because in novels authors can go into more depth of character than in films?  Who knows? For this reason, I would love to see "Dreamcast" adapted into a play format or even a screenplay.  

It's a laugh out loud funny story, as we follow the characters through the ins and outs of putting on a community theatre production, something Hansen knows of quite well.  Even more that I know her personally, her sense of humor comes alive through these pages, just as she is in life, genuine and personable.  

As an actress who has done a bit of community theatre, I felt as if I knew the characters personally, as if I have worked with them myself.  

As the story opens on auditions for the cast of thousands musical, "The Sound of Music", the reader sees the highs and lows of the production unfold, from the lives of the under-paid (or not at all) community theatre professionals, the politics therein, and the various thoughts on the nature of good community theatre.   (Does musical theatre count?) 

A must summer read!  Thoroughly enjoyable from start to finish!

Purchase Dreamcast here! 

Tansy's Trek

...Or How I Found Myself...

My name is Tansy Mae Winters.  I am 15 years old and I live in the swampy backwoods of the Louisiana Bayou with the shadowy figure of Jacques Devereaux.  He has some secret past that he is hiding from, I pay no mind to this, after all don't we all have something to hide? He gives me place to live while I help run errands for him.

One day while exploring and playing in the Bayou with my bird, Marigold, I come across some outsiders.  At first, I am instantly fearful of being discovered, made fun of, or worse, rescued and put into a foster home.   I like my life the way it is because it is my choice to live this way, and with my past history of abuse, I'd rather make my own way.  (Ultimately, I'm afraid of change and being hurt, but aren't we all?)

But then I see Jason and have a Miranda experience, a la The Tempest, "O Brave New World that have such creatures in it'---

In fact, in a very real way, I am a mixture of Miranda and Caliban.  In a sense, most of the other characters see me as the latter but to Jason I am Miranda and that is all that matters.  To be fully seen as beautiful and special is what changes me and helps me to accept the person I am inside and meant to become.  Even, in a sense, my relationship with Jacques, albeit abusive at times, is a lot like that of Prospero and Miranda.

The other people that come into the Bayou for the trek and that I meet later on are Beau Douville, Karen Moore, Tina McCourt, and Bobby Robiere.  At first, I am scared of each of them, especially Tina because I am sure she will make fun of me.  Beau and Karen may decide they have this "pressing need" to rescue me, so that makes me weary.  Of all of them, Bobby seems the most benign and thus the most trustworthy.

Through the meeting of each of these people, I discover my equality with others and even though I appear different I can still be one of them, am like them, and can help them 'save the day'.  In the end, I find my own personal power and pursue my destiny.

After the trek comes to a close, not only do I stay together with Jason but Tina and I become friends and she helps me to fit better with society and I help her become more comfortable with her true self, not worried about the opinions or judgments of others.  For example, she helps me learn about hair-care and other beautifying tips and I open her eyes to a world outside herself, a world more focused on the spiritual not the temporal.

Even though Jason and I stay in the Bayou, like he says, we still spend a lot of time in the town.  We both enroll in the local high school and get part time jobs.  He starts working at a garage where he learns about the trade of being a mechanic.  I get a job at a drugstore and soda pop shop.  In addition, I get a tutor to help bring myself up to grade level.

We stay in touch with Bobby, who with Beau's help, finally gets to be on the football and track team.  Tina becomes my pen-pal and after graduation when I receive a full scholarship to NYU, the two of us become room-mates.

At NYU, I study literature and English and hope to become a writer.  My first novel is about my experiences living in the Bayou, with an absent mother, and life with the infamous Jacques Devereau. Later on, I attend graduate school and receive my Ph'D in English literature.

Jason and I initially break up when I leave for college but years later while in my first year as a professor, we reunite, fall back in love, and marry.  We now have one son and another on the way.

Trek of the Catahoola Kids is a radio play written and produced by Ruth Wire.  It is currently in production but will aired later this year on a local Jackson County radio station.  It is co-directed by Jonathan Pratt and Michael Meyer, with Joshua Hendrickson as assistant director.  The play also stars Michael Meyer as Jacques Devereau, Christopher Horton as Beau Douville, Ceara Hays as Karen Moore, Tim Kee as Jason Meredith, Krystal Brewer as Tina McCourt, Jesse Lawson as Bobby Robiere, Catherine Hansen as both Mrs. Meredith and Mrs. McCourt, and Joshua Hendrickson as Mr. Robiere and my bird, Marigold.