No FU!

           

September sad and softly
Leaves are starting to fall
I recall, last time you were here
Your laughter a melody that lingers still

There's a hole in my heart and I'll carry it wherever I go
Like a treasure that travels with me down every road
There's this longing lonesome ending kind of bitter, kind of sweet
There's a hole in my heart in the shape of you

It has become an all too frequent reality that whenever someone or the collective have a particularly hard year, as we all have been through many in the last several years, it is the thing to proclaim "FU" to the year itself.  And, as it were, this year I could proclaim thus.  

On April 23 of this year, I lost one of best friends, Catherine Hansen, due to cancer.  Also, this year I lost Charles Robinson, who played Mac Robinson on my all time favorite TV show, Night Court, on July 12th.  Then, only a few weeks later, another beloved from the aforementioned TV show, Markie Post, last her battle with cancer on August 7th, 2021.  

It was August 8th, 2021, the day that it was reported of Markie's death, that I found on my mind quickly passing to my lips, "Well FU 2021".  But I quickly stopped myself, before falling into that trap of a mindset, as I have been able to do in years recently past.

Markie, Catherine, and Charles were deeply loved by beloved family, close friends, and doting fans alike.  They were able in their lives to thrive creatively and bring much light and love to the world.  They will surely be missed and the absence is already felt.  

In the wake of this loss, do I have the right to bemoan the year as the worst yet?  Some might say I could.  However, I choose not to, but instead to learn and evolve through the pain, heart-ache, and struggle.  I can remember fondly the beautiful memories created alongside Catherine and the lessons of strength and endurance she passed onto myself and to so many.  By looking at Markie and Charles, as well as Harry Anderson's demise in 2018, I can reflect on, although I did not know that personally, their presence in my life through the TV screen was necessary for me in my early days of life, during which the traumatic experience was newly beginning and fresh.  With that, I can understand that in their deaths coinciding with my intense dive into healing from PTSD is a rebirth for their souls as it is for mine.  Their leaving this plane of existence unto whatever comes next relates to my healing and evolving forward past the pain of my childhood.  Thus, each of these beloved souls are now healers and teachers in their leaving much as they were when they stood with me in the flesh of this life.

The life we lead is built on the joys and the heart-ache, the highs and the lows.  It is not normal or healthy to want to be, always strive to be comfortable, for you never shall and so desiring that will only lead to more discomfort.  I often sarcastically quip that the nickname for my fellow citizens should be "WAB" short for "Whiny American Babies".  Yes, the whiny baby mentality may not be merely only an American thing, but despite my learned background and travels about the world I still only really know myself and my culture as a frame of reference.  

A podcaster I listen to frequently, Stephanie Powers, of the Lightworkers Lounge often says that 'Rejection is just projection in another direction'.  Taken this further, we can begin to view our struggles not as reason to whine, bemoan, nor should we stay locked in an eternal place of suffering for thus we shall never truly escape, but we can begin to realize that in the struggles and heart-ache growth will arrive, true evolution of the soul will continue forward, out of the ashes arrives beauty.

Even though my heart aches
There's a smile on my face
Just like a window to heaven
There's a light shining through

Hear more about these self discoveries of mine in my podcast, the FanGirl Hour, https://anchor.fm/fangirling/episodes/The-bearing-of-my-soul-e15l8nh